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 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 1
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?Page 1 of 1    
I have been really good friends with this guy for almost a year now. We actually met here on POF back in September. At the time I was living in Arizona but was going to be moving to Wyoming, where he lives. We hit it off instantly, our long emails turned into texting throughout the day and phone calls that last for hours every day, or multiple phone calls a day. We still, to this day, 8 months later, talk constantly. Sometimes he texts me first, sometimes I do. But he is the one who calls me 95% of the time... Which is at least once a day.

We talk about everything, serious to silly to deep, to chit chat. He and I both know a lot of things about each other that no one else knows, not even eitherof our exes.

I finally moved to wyoming the end of december and had a few weeks before school started so I went and spent them with him. We hit it off instantly. We just have such a great time together, we click physically, emotionally, mentally. We entered a relationship. But then a couple weeks later he calls me, and everything is seeming fine, and just pours out his heart about hwo he truly does care for me deeply but he is still scarred and scared from his exfiance and doesn't feel ready for a relationship right now. It sucked, but I believed him.

We live a few hours apart, but we still see each other every other weekend. We still have a great time. He still initiates physical contact, and I don't just mean sex, I mean things like hugging, just finding a reason to touch me like pushing hair out of my face, kissing my forehead, putting an arm around me, playing with my hand or holding it, snuggling, touching my cheek or under my chin, stuff like that. We are still sexually intimate. He also compliments me a lot- tells me I look beautiful and am pretty, or when I'm getting ready in the morning he likes to sit on the bed and talk to me as I'm getting ready and when I'm done he'll always look at me and I say I look nice, or good, or cute, stuff like that.

He is still very protective of me, he has come down here to visit me too, and nothing has really changed except the title of relationship isn't there. His parents were visiting from michigan and he invited me up to meet them as well, which I did.

So my question really boils down to, does he have more than friendship feelings for me? Being that he is a guy and he calls me all the time and texts me all the time, meeting his parents and his friends who he apparently talks about me a lot with because whenever I see them its obvious he has filled them in on what I've been up to.

He isn't one of those jerky guys. I know all girls say this but he is truly a salt of the earth, honest, genuine guy, I believe him when he says he's scared of a elationship right now and is still tryig to piece together his life and learn to trust again after his ex... But it sure seems like we are already in a relationship. I care for him a great deal, he is my best friend and I know he cares for me... But does he care for me as more than a friend, but is still too scared to take that official step?
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 2
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:15:41 PM

does he have more than friendship feelings for me?


I think you answered that question with


we still see each other every other weekend. We still have a great time. He still initiates physical contact, and I don't just mean sex, I mean things like hugging, just finding a reason to touch me like pushing hair out of my face, kissing my forehead, putting an arm around me, playing with my hand or holding it, snuggling, touching my cheek or under my chin, stuff like that. We are still sexually intimate. He also compliments me a lot- tells me I look beautiful and am pretty, or when I'm getting ready in the morning he likes to sit on the bed and talk to me as I'm getting ready and when I'm done he'll always look at me and I say I look nice, or good, or cute, stuff like that


That is beyond the boundries of friendship in my books. Have you had the talk about being exclusive yet. Do either of you have any other "friends" of the opposite sex on the go. I will assume not.

I will guess he sees you as a girlfriend but does not want to get heavily tied up into a relationship with a lot of commitment and this is his idea of taking it slow. You really need to discuss this stuff with him and not with us. You may be exclusive friends with benifits for all I know.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 3
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:20:16 PM
But does he care for me as more than a friend, but is still too scared to take that official step?


Kudos for furthering your education, keep at it and you may actually learn more about human behavior..

Yes you apparently already have a "relationship"..
No, I don't think he has any plans to marry you this year or next..
 FMaj7
Joined: 4/24/2011
Msg: 4
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:48:40 PM

But does he care for me as more than a friend, but is still too scared to take that official step?


He told you he is too scared. Why repeat the question? Sounds like you're stuck between reality and hope. It's irrelevant if he cares for you more than a friend if he is not going to commit out of fear, and you want that official step.

When people are 'scared' they fall into the class of emotionally unavailable. It's a tough call. These situations usually end in heartache. Please don't shoot the messenger. My experience is emotionally unavailable people are best avoided. As hard and painful as that is.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 5
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:57:47 PM
The next official step???

Just look at the facts of everything you've said. You are both in a relationship without realizing it. I see that he is scarred of the title “boyfriend/girlfriend and relationship” but let's face the facts here, you met his parentsm you talk each day on the phone etc... which are things you do with your significant other :)
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 6
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:58:23 PM
OP by official step do you mean proposing marriage. If so have you determined if he is open to the idea of marriage? Some people want a committed relationship without marriage or cohabitating. It sounds like he may be happy with things as they are but you are not.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 7
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:04:42 PM
FMaj7
He told you he is too scared. Why repeat the question? Sounds like you're stuck between reality and hope. It's irrelevant if he cares for you more than a friend if he is not going to commit out of fear, and you want that official step.

When people are 'scared' they fall into the class of emotionally unavailable. It's a tough call. These situations usually end in heartache. Please don't shoot the messenger. My experience is emotionally unavailable people are best avoided. As hard and painful as that is.



I met a man who was going through a divorce because his wife cheated on him. At first he called everyday and chatted online. He took me on our 2nd date to a kid's motorcross race where I met his sister and a few other relatives. He was completely acting smitten and posted lovey dovey type things on myspace for me.lol Things were going great until I asked him if we were in a relationship. Suddenly he backed off saying I was getting too serious and he wasn't ready for a commitment. He broke up with me through an email claiming he never felt anything for me like he should and his deep feelings were still with his ex.
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 8
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:08:08 PM
I am by no means wanting to marry this guy anytime soon- I'm still finishing up school!

I guess I was just looking for some validation to what my gut instinct tells me- yes he does care about me a great deal,more than just friendship, and we have an amazing friendship already which is the key to a good relationship, and I have a feeling one of these days he will wake up and realize this and do something about it. Either way, I am going to continue being his friend and show him that he can trust me and its ok to let someone in again, someone who won't burn him.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 9
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:37:17 PM
You are more than friends, but apparently he still has some emotional issues to deal with. If you are enjoying his company, etc...then play it by ear. You're busy with school and that should be your priority.

Just keep in mind that anything can happen or not..........such is life.
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 10
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:40:37 PM
It may help to figure out what you specifically want, and start a discussion about that, instead of asking for a label. You don't know what the word "relationship" means to him.

Do you want to ...
- feel like part of a couple?
- feel like you'll not have to date anyone else, and not be lonely?
- feel like he must say yes if you get invited to a friend's wedding or something and want him along?

Do you want him to ...
- not have sex with others?
- not just withdraw contact and disappear on no news?
- anything else in your mind, a boyfriend would abide by but a friend/casual lover not?
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 11
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:26:19 PM

But does he care for me as more than a friend, but is still too scared to take that official step?


Yes and yes. It's all about timing sometimes; one's emotionally and physically available and the other isn't. He'll overcome that fear the day he realizes that his life is better with you than without you, and his fear of losing you is bigger than his fear of a relationship.
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 12
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:32:07 PM
Thank you for all the mature responses that were obviously relevant to my situation, I really appreciate it! I will just have to be patient and see what happens, only time will tell. I do believe he has strong feelings for me but is truly just gunshy because of previous experiences and once he realizes he can trust me and I genuinely care for him and that our friendship and chemistry is great, things will progress at the rate they are supposed to when we are both ready.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/11/2011 11:28:59 PM
I don't date men who are too scared to be in a relationship, I'm not their therapist. I also don't push a slow building relationship that might be going some where good. But I'm also not a booty call. Figure out what you want and decide if you are being reasonable and then decide if this guy is what you want right now, the future will flow on it's own.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/12/2011 3:48:25 AM
It sounds like 'relationship twilight zone" to me. The big danger I see, is in your handling of it.
You are making the common mistake, of having goals for the relationship that are different from the other person, and though there has been no indication of any change, you are hoping things will magically convert to what you have in mind. The most common result of that little equation, is that nothing changes for long enough that the patient one begins to resent the one they've been waiting for. In the mind of the one waiting (that's you OP), they've been PAYING INTO a relationship account, planning on a profitable return from the other person. The other person has been ACCEPTING DONATIONS, but not investing themselves. It's comfortable for the other person, so they have no reason to change, no reason to "realize he can trust....and things will progress at the rate they are supposed to."
In other words, while from your point, you are helping him to learn to trust again, and solving his anguish that way, from HIS point of view, HE is protecting himself from anguish by NOT committing or letting himself care deeply. He wont be learning to trust again, until he actually decides to risk having a real relationship again.
This doesn't mean I think he's taking advantage of you per se. His goals, however, are not to build a complete and lasting relationship, they are just to feel okay and have a good time. All of the experiences you have together will go into different "meaning slots" in his mind, than they do in yours, and so while you are building a mental future, he is on a mental merry-go-round.
The most common END to these stories I've seen, is that the person with issues DOES one day heal enough to start again, but at that point, they do what all recovering patients tend to do: they remove the "bandages" , and go back to real life. The problem is, that those "bandages" are a person: you in this case.
 johnnylange
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 15
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/12/2011 6:11:11 AM
I'm curious as to why he's afraid to get into a relationship considering he cares about you and kind of sort of treats you like a girl friend.

I say 1. Don't take things further until things are discussed as to where the relationship is going.

2. Don't put your eggs all in one basket. This guy may or may not get over his fears, may suddenly date someone else without notice. So if you see an opportunity to date someone else, go for it and don't wait on this guy.

At some point you should ask where this is going. If he runs off screaming like a little girl saying "I told you I don't want a relationship!" but wants to continue going through the motions, then you were just wasting your time.
 sukkatash
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 16
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:12:29 AM

does he have more than friendship feelings for me?

I don't know.
He might simply have more than "Friendship" desires for you, rather than feelings.
Or maybe some spark of feelings he is using to justify flaming desires.


But does he care for me as more than a friend, but is still too scared to take that official step?

I don't know about scared. Could be he's "scared."
Could be that's just part of the game.
Basically he wants the benefits of the relationship, knows he has to adopt some of the behavior, but simply has absolutely no desire for any of the scary commitment, responsibility, or change.

So basically you are a FWB. Benefits isn't solely about sex, penis into the vagina and ejaculation.
There's emotional components and social components to it as well.
Although that's getting kind of a negative reputation or association.
So it's best to be "friends" the universally worthless label.

Basically a meaningless relationship is implied to have deeper meaning than it is.
Implied so you sit there and think and think and think and think and analyze, meanwhile in the months that takes he is content he doesn't really have to do anything except enjoy you working harder.

You heard the saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"
This questioning confusion sometimes FWB type of relationships is more like (IMO) "why not get the cow to believe they are bought, that way they work harder to please their employer or master, feel content and secure, and offer up more production and flavors. Not only milk, but chocolate milk, ice cream, and it will till the fields. Why buy the cow when you can pretend you bought it and get so much more from it for free. And if they assume I am giving them something for it, then they are bad, because it was implied, not guaranteed."

And usually there is a component of "I'm not giving away milk or labor for free, I get this (that I convinced myself I am getting). Not to mention, if I don't get it they are a bad person, they are obligated to give it to me, implied is as good as guarantee, the internet people, magazines, and my friends told me so."

So basically welcome to the 21st century retarded dysfunctional relationship.
Where relationships are really "You get what you want, I get what I want, no one really has to commit or take responsibility for anything, it's guaranteed to be short term, and we can blame each other when it fails. Short term gratification, guaranteed to fail, but you're good, I'm good, everyone wins, no one gets deeply or meaningfully hurt (unless it's part of the act, where I have to blame you, to my friends, and you have to blame me, to your friends)."


He isn't one of those jerky guys. I know all girls say this

IMO this shows stupidity/naivety or delusion.
No one thinks of themselves as a jerky type. Even the jerky types that use it as an image.
Those types see themselves as a jerky type...with a nice guy (honorable, courageous, straight up, keeping it real, whatever) deep inside.

People adopt the behavior and the rationalizations to justify it to get what they want.
Mostly not realizing any of the negative things their actions do.
Simply because all behavior can be manipulated into a positive.

Look at politics and "for the children!"
You sticking around and giving them what they want, validates, justifies, and continues that behavior.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 17
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/12/2011 4:00:47 PM

I don't date men who are too scared to be in a relationship, I'm not their therapist.


I agree with this completely. Decide if this relationship, as it stands right now, is something you will be happy with if it continues the same way for perhaps many more months or years, OP. If it is? Great, no problemo. If it's not? Then decide what YOU want, or when you think the time has come to have the man shyte or get off the pot.

If you're happy with things as they are, then, cool. If you do want more eventually? Then eventually you're going to have to push the envelope if you haven't found things progressing.

Usually when men use the "too scared to be in a relationship" line though, it's so that they can come back later when one DOES seek more, and say "Hey, I told you months/years ago that I didn't want a relationship". JMO.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 18
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:44:17 AM
I don't know, OP, to me you ARE in a relationship - he's just scared of CALLING it that...how is what you have now different than any other "real" relationship, except for him not wanting to call it that word?

I'll give an example from my past. Met a great guy. Evolved to him having a key to my place. His friend says to him - a KEY? That's a RELATIONSHIP. Guy comes to me and tells me this - and asks, this isn't a RELATIONSHIP, is it???? I laughed like hell and said - of course it is...but call it what you like. He decided "kicking it" worked.

What was the difference? Not a damn thing.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 19
so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/13/2011 9:15:03 AM
Sounds like you and him are already in a relationship minus the title of "boyfriend and girlfriend"... he's probably still not emotionally ready... give it alittle more time, he may come around. If you want, ask him later down the road about the whole thing and all.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/14/2011 2:24:00 PM

I believe him when he says he's scared of a relationship right now and is still tryig to piece together his life and learn to trust again after his ex... But it sure seems like we are already in a relationship.


That's because you *are* in a relationship. Face it, even a "friendship" is a "relationship", you have a "relationship" with your family (good or bad ), you have a 'relationship' with coworkers, etc. The only difference between those and a "romantic relationship" is that sex is involved.

I'd guess he doesn't want the "label," which could be for any number of reasons... some people get a lot of 'expectations' once that label comes into play - now "they should do X, Y, and Z, because we're in a relationship." The old "woman expecting to *change* the man" thing (although both sexes can be guilty of it) - probably his last relationship (ex-fiance), or last couple perhaps, have been like that and now he's a bit 'gunshy' of the label? And, quite honestly, from the way you described him he sounds pretty committed to you, you said he's 'protective', you've met his family, what is the 'label' going to get you that you don't already have? You said yourself "nothing has really changed other than the title of relationship isn't there" - so the question is, if you are enjoying your time together and otherwise "everything you want is there", how important is that "label" to you, and why? Is that "label" worth losing him over?

Trust me, over time as you are together, his friends and family are going to start referring to you as "his girlfriend"... and you effectively are, it sounds like he's doing all the "commitment" actions, but is scared of labeling it as such. If you are otherwise happy, I'd give him time and enjoy being with him.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 21
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so, if a guy calls you every day... more than friendship?
Posted: 5/14/2011 2:40:46 PM
I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that if Cowboy Joe stooped you he wouldn't use his ex or anything else as an excuse to relegate you to a FB. He'd of told you straight up from the start his interest was more corporeal than emotional.
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