| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 9:37:43 AM | I always believed in waiting to introduce my son to anyone but he is three and will not remember much later on..
I had two guys which came back and met my son - one wanted to and the other just happened to say: I will give you a ride in the morning and I will drive you to work and drop of you son at the sitter.
Everyone loves my son as he is so cute...is there wrong in that...I think if they have deep feelings for you - they will have feelings for your son | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 11:07:54 AM | Because of the nature of my work in past years (Fire/EMS) my son has seen me hanging around alot of different men......but not in the romantic sense.
We also have 'friends' that are just that, and nothing more....and never have been......
BUT if I was crossing the line, I would refrain from introducing my son to anyone until I had things figured out......there's no sense in him wondering about, or possibly becoming attached to someone 'hanging around' when there's the chance that it may not work.
My 'friends' (as stated up above) have been in our lives for years, and I can't see that changing.......I don't think it's healthy to include a bunch of different people that 'come and go'......
As an afterthought, my Mother used to bring home scores of different men that she was dating, and they 'hung out' with us.....I hated that....I felt second rate to these men, and couldn't keep up with all of them (can't even remember all of their names). There was no sense in me getting to know these men, because I knew that eventually, more would come along and these ones would disappear.
I think that 'home' should be your safe haven...for you and your son. There's nothing worse than waking up and wondering who the guy is in the kitchen.....Just my thoughts.....
In 7 years of dating, I think my son has met......3 people........ | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 11:21:29 AM | Very well said Hottie!
Same here...from the age of 3, my mother had a revolving door of boyfriends swooping in and out of our lives. I had no contact with my father, and when I was very young, would grow attached to a few of these men (the ones who bothered to pay attention to me). Then poof! They were gone, and another strange man would appear. I would ask..."where is David?" She'd shush me and put her attention right back on the man of the moment. By age 4 or 5, I didn't trust my mother to put me ahead of a date, by age 14 I learned to ignore all of them.
She's married now and has been for 14 years. My stepdad always loves to tell the story about his first meeting me. How I barely said hello, how I rolled my eyes, how my demeanor screamed at him..."you're just another one...don't even pretend to be interested in me...and I will hurt you if you hurt my mother".
Same as Hottie, I have male friends that are neighbors, or guys I worked with, that will come over to visit. My son knows them and clearly they are "friends of the family". As far as dates go....no way, not for a long, long time. In the 10 years I've been divorced, he's met 2 of them.
I don't see a problem with your "guy friends" being around your child, but men you are getting to know on a dating basis....I think it's a bad idea until you really know them and they have earned the priviledge of meeting your child.
-sparkle | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 11:25:15 AM | My ex and I have different thoughts on this subject. For me, I waited about 2 months into my current relationship to introduce my kids to him. For all the reasons Cdn Hottie was mentioning.
My ex on the other hand, introduced my kids to a girl his second time seeing her. I don't agree with that at all. Life is hard enough trying to figure out when your parents are seperated, let alone wondering who this new man/woman is that's hanging around. Plus, why let them get attached if they aren't going to be around long? You never know that in the beginning...right? | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 11:48:27 AM | | I'm not introducing people to my kids, no way. It's fine if they're just friends - but no way will I have some random dates come through my kids' lives. I don't want them to get attached to people and then it doesn't work out and they're hurt. Before my kids meet someone, it's going to be someone who I feel will be in their lives for a long time, not just a few dates. | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:08:48 PM | most of our kids are great. that doesn't mean we should let anyone that wants to meet them do it. three is an impressionable age. actually, every year from birth 'til they're out of the nest is impressionable.
I don't want for my kids what I have. I want for them healthy, happy marriages and lifestyles. as they get older, a revolving relationship door leaves the impression that it is okay....and it's not. | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:23:23 PM | I have a life and I have needs also here and there...and while my son sleeps I have my date over but it just happened that my friends stayed over and Daniel met him in the morning as he was in my bedroom....opss...but I did not mean to and I if you obey all the rules...where is the fun in that...I do not want to settle down with anyone at the moment in my life I just want to have fun and enjoy my life but does that mean that I cannot be happy with a once in a while same guy that my son met and them both hardly paid any attention to one another.....
What is so wrong with that. | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 12:35:25 PM | you don't THINK he was paying attention, but you never know. kids don't miss a beat.
I was just giving my perspective on things. I want to have fun and enjoy my life as well, and I do...but I do not do it at the expense of the security my children need. get a sitter, have him stay the night off at a friend or grandparent's house. kids need stability more than anything else. it's a small price to pay to ensure your child doesn't have insecurity issues later in life. | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 1:44:44 PM | Your 3 year old doesn't understand relationship dynamics. It's going to be very difficult for him to attempt to wrap his brain around why some strange guy is in your bedroom in the morning.......especially when he's never seen him before....especially if he never sees him again......AND especially if there's someone else there the week after.......
What do you want to teach him about relationships? What kind of a relationship do you want him to have? Show him that.
If you're not ready for a relationship for 'you', then you're free to do whatever you like....casual date, have fun! But my advice is....keep the little guy out of it.
Again, JMO. | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 2:53:01 PM | man oh man oh man I can hardly believe what I have read from the OP - and then we wonder why our kids are messed up. This is the first post I have seen that really makes me angry!
Yes they DO know what's going on at 3 years old - and yes they DO get attached to people, and yes it DOES affect them -
if my ex had anyone sleeping over while my kids were there - there would be some serious hell to pay...
grow up... | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 4:54:25 PM | lori, hear what you're saying about having needs and all that. But you know what? Your needs don't come first. Your kid's needs do. Having guys over - especially in your bedroom - is a huge no-no when you have kids around. You have no idea what's going on in your son's mind. He is probably utterly confused as to why there's some strange man in mommy's bedroom. Sure, he may not say anything, but only because he's too young to even understand how to frame up the questions.
Please think of your son and back off on the sleepovers and such. Doesn't mean you can't date - just need to do it when the little guy is not around. Drop him off with family, baby sitters, friends for a sleepover, whatever. But you need to put your son first in all this, really. | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 5:28:02 PM | | Life isnt about having fun after you have children. You have a right to be happy- but a child is a responsibility. Your childs best interests should certainly come ahead of your "having fun" | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/20/2005 5:43:04 PM | Sorry Lori but i have to agree with majority on this one ! ....
Kids do not need to be involved in any aspect of your dating life until you are sure you are with someone you see a on going future with ! .....
I can't say that i know this from growing up in a revolving door house like some of the other people on this site - i came from a family that managed to stick things out. However, i have kids and i have friends who have kids. I personally refrain from introducing my kids to anyone other than people i know will be part of my life for a long time to come. On the other hand i have friends who feel the same way you do. And unfortunatly i do see a difference in their kids compared to mine ! ...
it does confuse them, it does not help them develop a sense of security in life, nor is it a good idea for your dating life...
i just think that your kids are your kids ... a special gift that was given to you ! and you really should be more cautious about who you choose to share them with ! Just my opinion and all !!
Good to luck to you !!! But remember, you need to look out for the best interests of your little boy !!! | |
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| Well it could be serious....
Posted: 7/20/2005 6:29:43 PM | | me and the guy I met have seen each other more than once and about 10 or 20 times now and we get along fine and he slept over and my son saw him in the morning...it only happened this one time as we were all tired...and stayed out late this one night and believe me I did not want to sleep over anywhere else except having my son in his own bedroom. I for once am happy with having a friend man in my life and this could go for a long stretch but we are both not wanting to move in together we just want to see one another here and there. | |
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| Well it could be serious....
Posted: 7/20/2005 6:46:07 PM | well then maybe it was a bad choice of words for the thread title to say "second date" .....
still think the better bet, if you still choose to have men at your house, is to have them gone BEFORE you son wakes up..... still just my opinion, i am never one to judge !!! | |
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| Well it could be serious....
Posted: 7/20/2005 7:30:11 PM | I'm incredibly skeptical about anyone knowing anything about my kids until I feel comfortable with them because I used to work with a guy who seemed fine and all that. He started dating this woman and then one day he was not at work because he had been charged and jailed for molesting his g/f's sons. They had been dating for about 2 months. I know this isn't very common, but it's common enough for me to be extremely protective. I will not allow that to happen to my children if I can do anything to prevent it.
And I also share this sentiment completely....
I don't want them to get attached to people and then it doesn't work out and they're hurt. Before my kids meet someone, it's going to be someone who I feel will be in their lives for a long time, not just a few dates.
My mom was very careful about introducing me to any boyfriends, and in fact, I only met 3 of them. All of them she had been dating for at least 4 months first. When the first two left her life, I was hurt. The last one she married 22 years ago. | |
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| Well it could be serious....
Posted: 7/21/2005 9:47:13 AM | | my son is 10 now, and the only man besides his father..and platonic friends that he has met....to this day is the man I was with for 7 years. everyone before him ..in between him , and after him...no way. | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/21/2005 10:56:13 AM | | I am a single mother of a 7 yr old. I am also a nurse, who has worked alot in the corrections setting. Lori, I think that it is important that you realize that it is the "guy next door" that could be the next child molester. They dont have "a look". You never know, and it only takes a minute for someone to wreck your childs life. I know how hard it is to be alone sometimes, but it is better for me to be alone, go on a date here and there....when I have a sitter, than to put my childs beautiful little face in someone else's head that I dont know. | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/22/2005 8:02:31 PM | Yeah, my son is 10 now and when he was younger I guess he met quite a few and as he got older, that kind of died off. His dad didn't start seeing him till he was like 4 or 5 and then it was as if he's been in his life all along.
I met this guy Scott and started dating him. We went out for bout 16 months. He was a really great guy, hung out with me, helped me with things around the house and did more stuff with my son then his own dad did. Well, it just ended up not working out and to this dad, my son still brings him up. I mean I broke it off back in Dec of 93 and here and there my son would ask "mom, don't you wish you still liked Scott? I do...." Or he'll ask when I'm getting married and i'll tell him I don't have anyone, he'll reply back to me "you did have someone, you had Scott." Yeah, it's pretty sad when our children have to go through our relationships with us.
They aren't the one's that chose to be brought up like this and relationships are hard enough on us let alone our children. I think now my son just want's anyone who's going to play with him, hang out with him, play with him and do video games with him. | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/22/2005 8:07:10 PM | This is a question I struggle with all the time Lori. The balance between being me..being a woman and needing to be feel intimacy with another person..and the role of being mommy to two impressionable children who's emotional health I value more than anything.
So I try and find a compromise. I date when my children are with their father and when they are with me..they have me all to themselves. In 5 years they have met only one man I was dating and that was because he was staying with us from out of town. But in that time I was very conscious of how we related to each other when the children were around.
Children do benefit from seeing their parents in loving dating relationships...I dont want my kids to see me as a nun because that wouldnt be healthy or realistic either...in fact they ask me if Im dating. But everything comes in good time when Im sure that this is someone Im comfortable with an can be appropriate around my children and has already proved themselves to be a caring and respectful person.
Good luck to all those trying to find their balance! | |
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| What I cannot have male friends...
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:58:01 AM | [I have a life and I have needs also here and there]
you are an adult, and as an adult you should realize that it is your resposibility to make sure that your son's well being and peace of mind are more important than your sexual gratification. If your needs are that strong why not find a trusted sitter so you can stay at the other persons house. Children remember things from an early age, do you really want your sons first memory of his childhood to be the man mommy was in bed with? | |
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| Meeting your son on second date....two guys...have...
Posted: 7/23/2005 3:41:30 AM | To me, the second date is too soon for anyone to meet my son.
I have to really believe that I have something solid with a guy before he meets my son--that can take a long time. My son is 13, and so far he's met his bio-dad, his adoptive dad, a fiance, and my last boyfriend, because it was serious enough that we were talking about moving in together.
To me, even that is too many! He didn't get close to the last two and I don't blame him. Next time, I'll wait even longer than I did the last two times.
My mother didn't have the revolving door problem as some people here have said their own mothers did (I'm so sorry you had to go through that--it must have been awful!), but I knew a woman who did that and I felt so sorry for her little girl. The girl had trouble forming attachments and I don't doubt the parade of men had some part in that! I couldn't do that to my boy.
I don't trust a man who doesn't respect me or my child enough to give us our space. Just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm looking to form an instant family. Nothing bugs me more than strangers I've only gone out with once or twice wanting to meet my son, or worse, bringing him gifts! Fortunately, I've been able to intercept before my son knows about the gifts (except for once) and turn them down. He wasn't impressed by the one gift he got and we agreed to mail it back to the guy who left it at our place for him (my son wasn't home when the man in question left the gift behind--and told me about it after the fact!) Not that there was anything wrong with the gift itself but my son had it right: "Why would he give me presents? He doesn't know me, or what I like. I don't even know him!"
I have to add one more thing:
Just because a lot of people can't remember an event doesn't mean it has no impact. There's a misconception that if it fades out of memory, it doesn't count. It all counts. Subconscious, unconscious--they affect us as much as the conscious do. I may not remember every detail I learned on the driving exam I took when I was fourteen, but I'm a good driver, so conscious or not, it obviously affected me. | |
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