| | Settling Versus CompromisePage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I guessing most guys here have seen women's posts that have the statement: "I know what I want and I won't settle for less." And most women totally agree with this and are always preaching "Never settle. Wait for your perfect match." Settling is seen as a horrible condition that will almost always lead to a breakup.
On the same token, most people agree that in order for a relationship to work, there has to be compromises made from time to time by both people.
Which lead to the question: Is there really any difference between settling and compromising? If you're compromising, that means you're settling for something that is not your vision of ideal, but will tolerate it. Settling also means this. So why is settling seen as a horrible sin and compromising is seen as a necessity in a relationship when the end result is the same thing? | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:09:11 AM | Big difference. Settling means you are with someone that has things about them that you do not like but you are willing to put up with them so you don't have to be alone. Compromise means you didn't get everything you wanted in a partner, but there's nothing about them that sets your teeth on edge or gives you a headache or being embarrassed to be seen with them. That's how I see it anyway.
I don't care to watch football much, but I could be with a football nut as long as I'm not excepted to be right there with him watching football all the time. On the other hand, I couldn't settle for a bigot or a rude, bad tipper who thinks service workers are his maids. I couldn't live with someone, settle, if I couldn't stand them as a person, but who could possibly ever be a 'perfect fit'? Some people are just a good fit together, even though they are two different people and don't live & breathe exactly the same. I'm not looking to be with a clone, most are really looking for compatible. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:10:08 AM | | I think its a matter of your own personal perspective. If you're looking to only settled with billionaire but you compromise and settle for a millionaire instead. | |
|
| |
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:13:14 AM | Everyone settles. A perfect match is an illusion.
A gal I was with once asked me, "Do you believe in fate, as in there's one person that you're fated to be with?"
I told her No. I told her that at any one given moment there's someone out there, or a few someone's, that its possible to connect with and grow together. So in this regard, I think you can become a perfect match, but you never meet them that way. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:14:37 AM | I think it's all about core values...the rest is fluff...He's into Harleys..I'm in to Maybachs..He's into football..I'm into the Tour...He's into seafood....I'm into rice and beans...As long as your core values jive then let the good times roll....But never..EVER...change your values for someone..that only makes you less of the person you truly are..and that will cause sadness and woe..for everyone...
I like bread-n-butter..He likes toast-n-jam
Sunny | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 12:46:14 PM | I agree with Sunny...as long as your core values are compatible, I think it's fine. I actually like dating guys who have different interests/opinions about everything else...perhaps I'll learn something from them.
I am very passionate about my core values...it wouldn't make sense for me to date a man who isn't compatible in those areas. I would never be happy, therefore he would never be happy. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:02:31 PM | A little bit of daynadaze and a little bit of sunny!
Keeping your core values IE: not accepting to be abused or used.
Compromise IE: willing to let him watch all the football he wants.
 | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:24:32 PM |
So why is settling seen as a horrible sin and compromising is seen as a necessity in a relationship when the end result is the same thing?
Because when you compromise you are satisfied of what you are getting, when you settle you become resentful of what you aren't getting. Get it? lol | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:25:46 PM |
Which lead to the question: Is there really any difference between settling and compromising?
there is, and dayna gave a pretty good description-no point in me rolling out a retread.
If you have found someone with whom there is shared chemistry/compatibility,but some discrepancies or opposing schools of thought-whatever-there can be an agreement to disagree...that's compromise.
If you have found someone who has decided to "settle" for you, what exactly do you think is going to happen when/if that someone encounters somebody with whom there IS genuine chemistry? Or who gets so tired of "settling" that they decide being unpartnered is preferable.
No, it's not "just semantics", there IS a LARGE difference between "compromise" and "settling".
Cindy O | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:32:54 PM | Sylvan nailed my thought exactly. It's the RESENTMENT that kills he relationship of the folks who "settle." Compromise is a positive choice.
You COULD call it semantics, but that would only apply to how individuals define each word. That there IS a real functional difference between two possibilities is there either way. Calling it "semantics" doesn't change THAT. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:36:32 PM | | Everyone settles. The minute you take yourself "off the market" you have, in effect, settled for the best you think you can get. If you didn't believe that, you'd probably continue to look. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:49:10 PM | | I think a lot of people have lists that are actually ridiculous in the sense that the list contains things like expecting someone to have the same interests, like the same music and movies, blah, blah, blah. In other words, they're looking for a partner who also makes up for their own lack of a life, instead of someone they find attractive and compatible. Really, there are only a few things that matter enough to consider accepting someone who lacks them to be ``settling'' or a ``compromise.'' If you find someone attractive, you get along with that person and you have similar values, that ought to be the entire list. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 3:02:43 PM | Some people have really ridiculous, superficial requirements that somehow have importance to them, maybe based on perceived shortcomings in past relationships. To me, settling means being with someone who doesn't quite do it for you.
I had an ex who was perfect for me on "paper." If I'd had a stupid checklist (which I didn't) he would have ticked every box, except one: I wasn't attracted to him. Plenty of people urged me to settle: "attraction isn't so important in the long run." I'm SO glad I didn't because I found someone who truly is perfect for me, and if I'd settled, I would have missed out on him.
Compromise is what you do as far as working out everyday differences between you. I've found that if your values are very similar, you won't have to do a lot of this either. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 4:19:38 PM |
So why is settling seen as a horrible sin and compromising is seen as a necessity in a relationship when the end result is the same thing?
For me, settling occurs prior to the inception of a relationship, where compromise is called for and necessary (imo). Horrible may not be exactly as I personally would describe it, but it does indicate desparation, while compromise indicates the mature recognition that a relationship is work. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 4:38:36 PM | Oh my, my, my, more semantics.........some people will quibble about anything. They mean the same thing. Check out the dictionary meanings of settling and compromise.
I won't settle or compromise for the ridiculous.
  | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 5:58:25 PM | Sunny and Daynadaze's posts nailed it. 
there IS a LARGE difference between "compromise" and "settling".
you betcha! | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 6:11:15 PM |
Is there really any difference between settling and compromising?
HUGE difference.
If you're compromising, that means you're settling for something that is not your vision of ideal, but will tolerate it. Settling also means this. So why is settling seen as a horrible sin and compromising is seen as a necessity in a relationship when the end result is the same thing?
Settling is not a "sin." It's fear and laziness. Fear of being alone and being too lazy to seek that which you truly wish to have. And this doesn't only apply to relationships ~ it also applies to things such as education, weight, career, dreams/hopes, etc. (i.e.: someone is overweight, doesn't wish to go on a diet to lose the weight ~ so settles for the extra pounds; unhappy with their job, but are missing credits for a college degree, so they settle for their current situation rather than to finish college; dating Mr./Ms. OK so make it a relationship vs. waiting for Mr/Ms. Right For Me. All setting, not compromising.) JMO  | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 7:51:39 PM | A lot of the people that say in their profile that they will never settle, are here, and in other sites over and over again. They had something with one person, and something else with another, and now they want to have it all together in one person. And because they are good looking they can demand. Eventually it all falls apart. Some of these hot looking women are friends of mine, and while they are friends, I would never, ever date them because they have such high expectations that nobody will ever meet them. The men with the looks or the money to meet them will not put up with their shit, they can find someone else quicker.
Now on my case, I have dated incredibly good looking women. Their issues are beyond belief. Some of their issues are a part of two things, one, is that because they have gotten away with stuff they demand more stuff. But the other side is that because they have dated very strong men they have become accustomed that real men are those that put them down and keep them on their toes. Women are going to disagree with me here, and that is fine. This is my observation. Yet its a reality to a lot of women. In the one side they want men to be nice, yet they want men to take control. They do not want a controlling man, yet that is what they fall for.
So, settling or compromising. We all do a little bit of both. I wish I can date that super hot woman, but they annoy me so much that I will settle for that good looking woman that is real. And once in a relationship I am willing then to compromise so we both find what we want as a couple. What will BOTH turn us on. As opposed to just me. Or just her.
What I have noticed is that those women that were not willing to settle or even compromise end up in relationships where they had neither choice.
Welcome to real life. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 8:48:36 PM | I completely agree with the masses.....settling is a mistake one makes out of desperation.
Compromise is for keeping peace in a relationship......unless one is compromising their own ethics and morals.......which will lead to the same resentment settling does! | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 8:50:08 PM | | I agree that resentment is what kills most relationships. But I disagree that everyone looks for the best they can get, then settle for that. We don't all look for the best we can get, some do, but I know what I look for in a man isn't about is he the best, but if I like being with him. I'm not in a mode, when dating, of calculating how much better a guy could be at this or that. I either like him as is or I don't. I've dated some good looking men too, but I didn't think, wow he's hot I want to be seen with him or be with him just because I found me a looker, I don't compartmentalize men I date that way. But I haven't found that all good looking people suck, I've known drop-dead gorgeous people who didn't even know they were hot. One's looks aren't what make someone an azz or not, perfectly ugly people can have just as awful personalities. Seriously, looks/personality/attraction is totally subjective, you can't pinpoint a personality and looks as a duo like that. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:05:53 PM | I think in common conversation, they amount to the same thing. But if you want to be pedantic, "compromise" = making an accommodation in which both sides make concessions / a settlement by arbitration or mutual consent reached by concession on both sides. Synonyms include concord, cooperation, give & take etc. It's a word with positive connotations and implies agreement between parties.
"settle" can also have a positive connotation as in to settle conclusively; come to terms: "We finally settled the argument". However I think it generally has a more negative connotation, as in an acceptance despite complete satisfaction: "We settled for a lower price".
Settle has a much wider use in the vocabulary and often implies a sole decision. As others have suggested, you're settling on someone who is less than your ideal. But ideals don't exist, so you've compromised your perception of ideal and settled for the best you can find at the time . . . right? Drat! The more I try to explain, the more convoluted this is getting. Good question, OP - got the brain in a tizz and it's only Monday! 
Me, I won't settle. I have a very short list of "must haves"; after that, the rest is compromise. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/20/2011 12:38:56 PM | | I wont settle in matters such as who I would legally tie up with...but I am willing to compromise to make things work once I deduce that I have the right person in my life. There is a difference. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/20/2011 9:41:19 PM | | Compromise is something that one does with others and usually is indicative of some kind of changr, whereas settling is what you do on your own where usually change doesnt occur. There is definitely a difference. | |
|
| Settling Versus Compromise
Posted: 6/21/2011 8:10:54 PM | You are referring to two different concepts:
Settling .... most of us create our own problems, we create a fantasy of expectations and wants in what we desire in our future spouse. If that fantasy is not fulfilled due to pressure of the every day world (reality) or ones biological clock then he or she settles for less than there fantasy. We should be seeking shared principles, values, and goals that is what a long term relationship needs for a foundation. The perfect mate does not exist, it is only an image in ones mind.
Compromise....this is based upon different wants, values, or goals between two or more people. A compromise is hopefully a mutually satisfactory resolution for all parties but not exactly what anyone initially desired. | |
|
Home
login 
