| | I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | The only time I was ever not interested in someone that I actually decieded to go on a date with had to do with his hygine. So can someone explain this. I thought it takes more then just an hour or a few hours to really know someone. The only thing I can think of is a first date is being judge on appearance and maybe holding a conversation and what is chemistry isn't that the same as judging someone on appearance? | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 3:58:52 PM | You can't make someone like you.
Nor understand why they don't.
I have met attractive women who I was not attracted to.
I have had women compliment me, yet say they didn't think I was their type.
it happens.
Save your energy for the next guy.
No chemistry is not a judgement call on you.
It is simply not an attraction for him.
Leave it at that.
and let it go. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 4:31:34 PM | People can only tell what you look like. They get an idea from the photos, then meet you in person and realise you're not out for sex nor are you that hot from the photos, so they won't take it any further.
If they actually gave a toss about personality nearly every single person would make a 2nd date at least. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 4:50:42 PM | | Straycat has it right. Saying "not compatible" gives a person a way to say "I don't like him/her" without having to choose between hurtful or dishonest. There's no reason to obsess since [HOPEFULLY!?] you're not trying to find out what one guy didn't like in order to change that for the next guy. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 5:09:11 PM | Darn it, I can't edit.
Cause, darn it, there you go ^^^ with the "people who don't do it my way, are not good people."
If he rattles on about the make, model, and engine components of every car we pass after I've explicitly stated I have zero interest; gets lecherous; makes a joke denigrating a group of people; reminds me of my stepmother in both features and hairdo; is boring; shows up as other than what he represented himself as --
this could include pretending to be a nice fellow when he's actually a bitter hater who can't wipe the sneer from his eyes even when he tries
-- everything else about him might be just groovy, but I don't care -- I'm outta there. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 6:44:38 PM |
The only thing I can think of is a first date is being judge on appearance and maybe holding a conversation and what is chemistry isn't that the same as judging someone on appearance?
A picture is worth a thousand words.
Meeting someone in person is worth about a billion cajillion bajillion words.
Most of the process of rejecting or accepting someone is not done consciously.
90% of whether something works or not is based on a first impression.
You are bombarded with so much information within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone it's insane.
IMO that's why online dating is so much harder than real life.
Because (online) people form first impressions based on shitty information that's mostly their 3rd hand grapevine interpretation of information that isn't direct feedback.
People cannot help forming first impressions.
They do it despite all the things they do to stop it.
It's not done consciously.
Once a first impression is formed it is very very very very very difficult to overcome it.
Most of the time people don't even try. They don't even know they don't try. Most times they think they are trying, they really aren't.
What people do with first impressions is try to validate it. Either through their hopes and desires or their fears, sometimes a combination (related to online, what do you think is more common on here? People drawn to a medium that allows them to hide from something and control the environment IOW people drawn to a place that facilitates decisions based mostly on fear).
So if you think you can get to know someone online, then meeting someone face to face once for at least 5 minutes is a 20 year marriage in relation to that...in terms of "knowing" someone.
So yes. People can get to know you in one date. Or more accurately, people get to know you well enough they are secure in their decisions regarding continuing interaction with you.
It is based on looks. That has been the predominantly paid attention to sense for the last few thousand years or so. But it is also based on hearing, smell, taste, touch...and these things can overcome looks if a combination is great enough...but most information you take in is through your eyes. If it wasn't we wouldn't have t.v. and books for information. It would all be audio books and smellivision.
yeah I really don't get what chemistry is.
When men and women come into each others presence, and there is even the tiniest bit of attraction, their bodies prepare themselves for sex. It's just natural. Tons of chemicals and physiological changes.
Genders were created for sexual purposes. Otherwise we'd probably just be asexual fish.
The difference (at least one of them) between men and women is a mans body will affect the mans brain, his way of thinking. He doesn't just think of intercourse, but getting ready for sex makes him move closer to her personal space, want to touch her, smile more, better posture, use humor, flex or whatever.
A woman's body (when preparing for sex) does not immediately affect her brain. Women have a stop gap measure so they aren't immediately pushed towards sex. They have to almost consciously choose to listen to what their bodies are telling them.
Chemistry is when attraction and social behavior is strong enough to turn the woman's mind towards listening to what her body is automatically and naturally telling her.
To make her behavior more friendly, open, trusting, willing to violate personal space, touchy, huggy, jokey. Basically chemistry is a high enough attraction on different levels to basically turn a woman into a guy...in terms of allowing the body to affect the brain. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 8:09:39 PM | old soul-- interesting, if wordy, reply.
I agree with
Or more accurately, people get to know you well enough they are secure in their decisions regarding continuing interaction with you.
OP-- I can tell if there IS chemistry upon a first meeting, but I sometimes can't tell if there isn't. I don't think I've ever met someone from online where there was chemistry right away, but I have met a couple of men who I wanted to get to know better to see if that could develop.
I have met dozens of men IRL where there was an instant attraction that was only 50% physical -- unless you count the laughter in their eyes, or their way of conversing, or how they interacted with the people around them as being physical. And there have been a few where it's 100%, purely a physical attraction.
I think it's always one step at a time... asking myself "Do I want to know more?" until the time where the answer is either "no" or "Yes, let's invest in each other and see what goodness can come of it!" | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 9:32:42 PM | [People can only tell what you look like. They get an idea from the photos, then meet you in person and realise you're not out for sex nor are you that hot from the photos, so they won't take it any further.
If they actually gave a toss about personality nearly every single person would make a 2nd date at least.]
Hope I did the quote thing right. Guess not lol
Does it really take you two dates to learn if someone is rude, mean, arrogant, obnoxious an butt or any of many traits you may not like?
As for people talking about judging people. If some one is any of those on the first date why bother with a second. There are so many reasons not to go on a second date besides looks. People judge people on all kinds of reasons pretending thats not the way it is isn't realistic. To say you won't judge someone is just bogus. If someone killed 30 people would you make a judement or say I would go out with them any way cause you don't judge people. I think not | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/22/2011 11:25:11 PM |
I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Assuming you're talking about the first date/meet, all it tells you is whether or not you want to see the other person again. Doesn't mean you're compatible.
I thought it takes more then just an hour or a few hours to really know someone.
It can take many months/years. It's impossible to really know someone in a few hours. People are generally on their best behaviours on the first date/meet.
The only thing I can think of is a first date is being judge on appearance and maybe holding a conversation and what is chemistry isn't that the same as judging someone on appearance?
Some people define chemistry as physical attraction. Some people also factor in personality, whether they click or not. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 4:00:20 AM |
So can someone explain this. I thought it takes more then just an hour or a few hours to really know someone.
It does, but I don't have to really know a woman to know I'm not physically attracted to her or that she can't hold an intelligent conversation. If she doesn't meet both of those requirements on the first date, she still won't meet them after 100 dates.
The only thing I can think of is a first date is being judge on appearance and maybe holding a conversation and what is chemistry isn't that the same as judging someone on appearance?
No, chemistry is more than that. I really don't know how to define it (or if there's even a reasonably good scientific explanation for it), but I certainly know it when I encounter it. If there's chemistry, then we're both physically attracted to each other and the conversation flows effortlessly as if we could complete each other's sentences. My guess it has to do with mutual physical attraction, reasonably good intellectual compatability, body chemistry, i.e., some aspect related to sense of smell, (and taste, where applicable ), and other things that aren't easy to quantify. But, I'm sure there is some basis for it. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 5:10:32 AM | Okay, we must understand and give meaning to the word "compatible" to discuss this statement.
Same wavelength in thinking. Agreeing on things in our lifestyle choices. ?????
I interview people for my needs at work. I usually can figure a person out, some of their personal characteristics,work ethic,etc it less than 10 minutes of conversing. If you are aware,eyes wide open and understand what certain actions and words chosen say about people, you could probably figure certain things out in less time.
Then there are others whom are a little complex, don't follow the norm(they can really mess ya up  ) and don't act like the majority. All of a sudden I will have an interest in them,but, more to do with getting to know them just a little better. Remember, I said that theses types are of the minority, not the norm. So, with that, very few happen to get a second date. Doesn't mean I hate em, just means I an not compatible with their thinking,actions,lifestyles, or whatever.
Remember the word compatability. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 9:21:38 AM | To me chemistry makes or breaks the deal for either person on the first date or meeting with rare exceptions. I once dated a lady for a while whom I met through a friend and we had zero chemistry on first meeting but later dated. Sometimes there will be zero chemistry initially and then on future meetings this can change. But 99/100 times, the initial attraction or repulsion makes or breaks the chance that there will be a second date.
Last weekend, I met a lady from POF and there was ZERO chemistry. Thats ok- you really need to meet tons of people to reach the few with whom mutual chemistry exists. I have come to the realization that dating and meeting candidates for relationships is pure random dumb luck. Of course having godlike genetics (over 6 feet tall, a body like Adonis, zero body fat, etc.), being super famous or wealthy (NBA basketball player, rockstar, movie start) greatly increase one's chances of building instant chemistry with far more women for a guy than being short, fat, bald, poor and living with mom in a trailer park. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 9:44:07 AM | Kind of have to agree with Abelian here. Chemistry is hard to define, yet you just know it when it happens. Some people are different and don't necessarily need chemistry in order to continue dating someone. For me on the other hand, it's a requirement. I can tell within 5 minutes of meeting somebody if I have chemistry with them or not. I also believe that chemistry is not defined by good looks. I dated a guy for nine months that was downright homely as hell, but we had the most amazing chemistry. He did have an amazing brain too, so that helped. Go figure  | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 11:07:39 AM | I have probably been on over 100 first dates (back when I was dating). I have been on exactly 3 second dates.
It is pretty easy to decide right away if you like someone.
Little physical details you know you can't deal with in another person that don't show even on honest photos. We all have our quirks. Hygiene issues you can't deal with. And that is just sheer physical attraction. 99% of the guys messed it up by what they said.
Negativity is the one word I can use to sum it up. Anything and everything from hating their job to talking about their ex or mother or just other people. Complaining, moaning, whining, ect. If they are going to be like that on a first date I can't imagine what anything long term would be like with them.
So yeah, you can get a good idea about a person on a first date. If they can't stay positive, be happy, have fun and try to show the best side of themselves for an hour, imagine a lifetime. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 11:17:16 AM | I may not know after a first meeting/date whether this is the one or if after a few more dates we'll still be interested in each other but knowing that a person is not for you can take just a few minutes.
Like this one guy I met after exchanging a few emails...conversation is going smoothly, I like what I see, things are looking good and then bam... he ends a little funny story with and I quote "well you know how black people are"....and that's it, we're done. I didn't even bother responding, just smiled and told him I had to get going.
And so to him and idiots like him, it's quite possible that I fall in the category of those crazy wimmins who are too judgemental, too picky , a biitch, or whatever.
So while I agree that one meeting is not necessarily enough to see if we're compatible in all ways, it can sometimes be more than enough to see that we're not compatible at all! | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 1:13:22 PM | | It won't take you more than 1 date to find out something blatently obvious like mean or arrogant or bossy etc. But these are extreme negative personality traits. If someone is generally a decent bloke who isn't mean , they deserve a second date, but even then the girls have already decided based on looks. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 3:43:00 PM |
Save your energy for the next guy.
No chemistry is not a judgement call on you.
It is simply not an attraction for him.
Leave it at that.
and let it go.
Chemistry is just having the desire to want to be closer to someone... it doesn't mean you're compatible, only that you care enough to want to find out.
Op, here above, are 2 lovely gems[replies] of what its all about, without the usual half page of physio-babble! lol jmo
good luck | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 5:43:39 PM |
Does it really take you two dates to learn if someone is rude, mean, arrogant, obnoxious an butt or any of many traits you may not like?
yeah this has happened. I dated a guy for a bit and he seemed like a nice gentlman, but after a few dates I forgot my phone somewhere. I was talking to him on aim about it and not in person. When I told him about it he called me stupid and a dumb broad. I really think people try their best to make a good impression which makes me feel like this whole dating thing is just an act and makes it harder to figure people out. | |
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| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 10:31:55 PM | Here's your homework: Go watch every Seinfeld episode!
He covered everything from close talkers to a woman with "lighting" issues...
Personally I've found out in my 20 minute meets that some people can be so annoying or boring that 20 minutes is 18 minutes too long still. Others show up with an extra 40# and 10 years that wasn't in their photos.
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cinsav
| | Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 25 | |
| I don't get it how can someone tell if you are compatible or not after one date?
Posted: 7/23/2011 11:15:10 PM | First, understand we live in a fast-food, instant gratification society. A culture that doesn't want to wait for anything - we want it and we want it now.
The average person will spend a week researching for a new car before even going to the lot, but they think can figure out something as complicated as a human being over the course of a 20 minute cup of coffee. Sorry, the average person (you) isn't that smart.
Granted, I understand there are deal breakers. But, most of the time it isn't about deal breakers - it is about impatience.
Most people have no idea what love is. They just now if the person they're sitting across from turns them on. People live in the here and now - they don't think 5 minutes down the road. | |
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