| | Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | Ok...long story in condensed form here. About a year ago my wife and I called it quits on our relationship. We are still technically married and we still live together with our 2 kids but that's really just because it's easier this way. Neither one of us is really in a financial position to be out on our own and we don't want to put the kids through any more than we already have. Besides, we're best friends despite the HORRIBLE relationship we had and we function well as room mates / co-parents. This brings me to my current situation. I posted a profile on here thinking, "eh, why not...see what happens", and I recived some emails from people that interest me. How should I go about all this? Tell the ex I met people on here and use the joint checking account for a date? Keep a secret stash of cash and tell her ,"I have a date tomorrow, you'll have to watch the kids."? I'm stuck.
Ps...she is going to be a little bitter that I want to start dating again and ultimately have a relationship with someone but I think that a lot of that comes from the fact that she fell in love with a married guy that won't pay any attention to her now. This means she thinks she's doomed to be alone while everyone else moves on and has a happy life.
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I trying to move on too soon? | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:10:51 AM | You make it sound like poor little you. Dude, get the divorce, get different places, if you go this route, you are opening a can of worms that is humongous. Also, what type of example are you giving your kids as it is right now. What type of example are you going to give them when girlfriends come in and out, of the same place that their mom lives. You just want to have your cake and eat it.
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:12:16 AM | You are not free.......you share a household and a joint checking account with your xwife and you have to ask if you can go out???????????
Finish your business, and quit taking the easy road, no woman will sign up for this, why should they? | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:14:32 AM | Most women you meet will be gone faster than a blink when they find out you are still married, still LIVING with your WIFE, and have 2 kids which I'm sure are still young?
Why can't you completely clean up your previous relationship / marriage before starting another one? And people wonder why they have so much drama in their lives, sheesh!! | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:17:29 AM | I'm reading this and I'm shaking my head, seriously this sounds like a soap opera man.
You are separated, live with your wife, you guys are best friends, you share the same bank account and please don't tell me you are sharing the same bed to keep up appearances for the kids sake.
You want to start dating, but she will be bitter, but she fell in love with a married man, that wont pay attention to her now and she thinks she will be doomed to be alone ? and you're wondering if you should have a separate bank account just in case you start dating, and this is a moral dilemma?
Did I get the gist of this?
I think im going to KFC for lunch I honestly don't know what to tell you bud, I really don't.,( and I hate KFC so im kidding) | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:28:18 AM |
Neither one of us is really in a financial position to be out on our own and we don't want to put the kids through any more than we already have. Besides, we're best friends despite the HORRIBLE relationship we had and we function well as room mates / co-parents.
Many couples stay together for the kids. Go ahead and do that, but don't think you should be out dating in the mean while... you'll screw up this arrangement you have that is WORKING FOR YOUR KIDS.
Keep your thoughts on raising those kids until they are grown and gone. They should be your top priority during this time.
After that, by all means -- go find a honey. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:31:03 AM | | As long as you're both living in the same place with your kids, you can't date. You say you want to spare your kids the trauma - dating other women will bring an extraordinary amount of tension and conflict into their home. You really can't have your cake and eat it too. | |
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oh2o
| | Joined: 5/20/2011
Msg: 8 | |
| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:31:12 AM | my idea of relationship hell...... i would never date a guy who still lived with his ex.
you are asking for all kinds of problems! | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:33:08 AM | First I commend you both as parents, to be grown up enough to be responsible parents.
Second, it might appear ,cos so many married men ,say they are seperated and are lying, to fully inform when dating, what the set up is and why it has been thought the best option ( the kids is more than a good enough reason) if you have remained friends with eachother.
Sure she may feel upset a little at the fact, you are moving on when things have not worked out for her, with this other man, and you may have to talk and put it on the line with her, how you wish to now date and move forward and test waters, while being sensitive to her inability to make something work with someone at this time in her life, just continue to work on this issue in the same way you have both worked on the other issues and managed to remain friends, lots of people would not be able to manage that.
If it doesnt work out and you really undo all the good work, then cross that bridge if you ever come to it.
On potential dates, SIMPLE you are seperated, but you cant afford to run TWO households, and your friends and want whats best for your children.
If a date cant handle that, then I think she is not for you, unless you wish to move out, become a visitor to your kids and struggle to pay for more rent, bills etc over this person you meet, in which case it would have to be someone to some degree you think is worth all that, then stay as you are and realise, not everything is black and white, and this is the life you have for yourself and anyone wishing to be with you, has to accept this, or not and date another person they feel is ALL theres for themselves!.
You wife is no longer your partner, so you are emotionally free to date, and you are a parent so that takes priority, and you cant afford to buy/rent somwhere else, it happens , we have lots of divorces and set ups now that were not around so much decades ago.
Some realise that, and are able to accept it, some not .
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:38:08 AM |
I think im going to KFC for lunch, I honestly don't know what to tell you bud, I really don't.
Pick me up a small fries please,iceman.......
Now,Op,you cant seriously believe ANY woman would want to get involved with you,if you're living with your ex-wife,etc.
Sort out your problems first and that may take quite a while.
But,you sound like one of those guys who cant go 5 mins without a woman  | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:43:49 AM | Ah yes, the “better option” to live vs. the “what you'de like to do”.
I think in saying the above you can come to see that it eoither has to be one or the other as if you try to do both, it will eventually blow up in your face.
Besides, how would you explain to someone who will come over who you are living with? | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:51:37 AM | "Besides, how would you explain to someone who will come over who you are living with"
My friend is in a relationship with a man who is seperated, how was it explained, its not rocket science, they managed it, and it works and is a great relationship.
Why should someone have to choose a partner over their kids, my friend has met ex wife and they happen to get on well.
This is a common set up here and can work very well with understanding and knowing that their relationship is not threatened by the lifestyle, which has no baring on the said relationship, if its strong. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:06:56 AM | As long as your finances and living arrangements do not change then you are basically a married man looking for a fling. If your Ex is your best friend then it will be cheaper and less dramatic for all if you to just put her infidelity aside and go to marriage counseling. Right now your are married in every way except there is no sex. If you can put your difference aside and be civil for the sake of the kids then it seems like you have already over come a major hurdle.
Read the laws in your state, many require 6-12 months of living apart before the idea of a divorce will be entertained in court. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:12:14 AM | OMG...this is just ONE of the many reasons I avoid separated men like the Bubonic Plague.
Why would you even consider dragging some poor innocent woman into your dysfunctional DRAMA? Good luck finding anyone who'll touch THIS mess with a 10 foot pole. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:12:08 AM |
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I trying to move on too soon?
Troll post.. Let's push that Delete Thread button while it still shows.. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:24:11 AM | In all fairness, let's say that there's a woman out there stupid enough to become your new gf, what next? What happens when the mother of your children, your current WIFE since she is not an ex yet, decides to bring a guy into the equation? Are you going to baby sit for her while the two of them have a date and great sex? How will that make you feel?
And by the way, I wouldn't delete this thread. I wouldn't let the OP get away that easy. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:32:22 AM |
Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Not really a moral dilemma.
You are just creating drama for yourself.
You don't have to date. Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't date.
And you are saying your ex is going to be bitter if you date...and you live with her and the kids.
Ever thought about the kids? Maybe you don't want to be living with a bitter woman around your kids?
How about working harder so you can afford to be on your own? Good god, couldn't do that...that's haaaard. Better to throw up a free dating profile so you aren't lonely in your house with your wife and kids?
Finalize one relationship and determine what it's going to be before looking for a replacement. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:36:04 AM | You will get most people rejecting this set up OP, mostly cos its a dating site and people have no emotional attachment to anyone, so its all about looking for red flags
First thing is to look at the issue of divorce and properly have the status of a single person, so people dont think you are the Red flag, married, fling variety.
Second, you will be rejected even then by most, because you will be living in a family environment, and most people think, no smoke without fire, even if its for the reasons (which I personally find good ones) you have stated, lack of money to move, being there for the kids.
So the pool is going to shrink to probably +1
If you want the pool to really increase, you will have to make sacrifices, Like first divorce, move out, discuss visiting rights with ex, maybe get a second job to pay for all this as you will be expected to keep 2 households going etc.
I personally , think the dating world is so fickle, Id find it difficult to motivate walking down the road, with a good chance of even having a nice date, without something being wrong with the person
Otherwise just sort out the way forward and do what is right for you, and your children and maybe meet local people through some common interest, so you can get to know people, and if something develops from it, you can start to plan or think about where you want life to take you or not from a very good starting point. | |
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Latys
| | Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 20 | |
| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:27:25 AM | This guy is only getting emails from women because he has not revealed his situation in his profile. His status is listed as "separated" not "separated/living together". So, they are not guilty women at all by emailing him. They would not know anything about the type of separation unless they ask or he is upfront.
I am glad I found this post - it never dawned on me that two people would remain living together after breaking up. I will be very cautious with separated men. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:38:19 AM | What dilemma? You're married. You live with your wife. As Yoda would say: "Married. Or married not. There is no "technically".
You get today's Golden Balls Award for calling yourself "separated". Maybe you've created the illusion of calling it "quits" on your relationship in your own head, but in the real world, that's a load of crap. You are not separated. You are not in the process of getting a divorce. You still have a joint bank account. Your wife is not your "ex".
As long as you are in this situation, you should be honest and list "married" as your marital status. If you want to start dating, do the right thing. Get a divorce, and move out.
All in all, I'd say your username "CaptainContradiction" is a very apt choice. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:42:39 AM | Wow, so these are the pickings on here now? ...really? no, really? Any woman who gets wind of this AND is in her right mind should run like hell from this type of situation. But there will be some who will take pity on you and probably will wanna date you. SMH
I think you really need to finish one situation before you move on to another one...it's only going to be more beneficial for you - mentally and probably physically (I can just picture how you wife will take, "Honey, I'm bringing home a new Fish!")
I knew there was a reason I needed to step back from this website for a minute....geesh, I hate that I've become so cynical since getting on this site! lol argh! | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:54:51 AM | Opinions? Am I trying to move on too soon?
You're a master of understatement. Get a divorce, get seperate places to live and confine your interaction with your ex to whatever is necessary for your kids. When you get to that point, then you might consider dating. On the other hand, if you like drama and you think it's a great idea to expose your kids to drama involving you, your sort-of-ex-wife and the rather questionable women who would actually date someone in your situation, keep plugging away. You'll really impress the judge at a custody hearing when you do get divorced. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:55:34 AM | You aren't really separated are you. If you are going to live in the same house, but be not together, then you need well thought out and clearly set rules. Like it's not her business if you date, but you can't bring women home with you. You shouldn't anyway, your home is where your children are, they don't need to be part of your dating life. Don't even think of involving yourself or your opinions in your wife's love life either. You both need to date outside the place where your children live and need to feel safe, loved and secure. BTW, if you think your children aren't feeling the stress and dysfunction in your home and if you think it's not damaging them, think again.
If you are still sleeping with your wife then stop pretending you are the least bit separated. If you have separate bedrooms and really are separated in everything but residence and parenting, then you wouldn't be having these problems of your wife having an effect on your dating life. Stop saying you can't move out, and start working on a plan to get out on your own, and maybe dating isn't for you until you have a workable plan. If you have to lie to your wife and your lovers, then you are obviously doing something wrong.
I'm not one who thinks separated means married, there is a big difference between not being divorced and still being involved in a marriage but cheating. From your post you are not there yet, you are just busy making cracks about your wife, while trying to find women to bed, and pretending to your children that you are still a family under one roof. I do not think you are fooling anyone. Think about the type of women who would date you under these circumstances. You need a clear cut break and rules to pull this off, and even then, when you are fully separated, whether still under one roof or not, you are going to find it hard to get anyone to take you seriously. Being separated is quite often a total deal breaker for many. | |
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| Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 10:59:25 AM | Flip the situation around. Would you get involved with someone sharing a house with an ex and their kids for fianancial sake? First red flag, you are living with an ex with whom you had kids. Second red flag you are having money problems now and would expect worse when you move out? Not the most promising starting point. As for using the joint checking account for a date. Lets see, you have money problems, thats why you are staying there together and now you want to take those limited finances (legally half of which are yours true enough) and spend it on someone else? I think your statements answer your questions. If you really need the time to get your financial house in order put the dating on the back burner or off the stove entirely till you can set up your own indpendent place then who you see and what you spend is not ones business but yours.  | |
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