| | Needs time to think?Page 1 of 1 | So I've been dating a guy from pof for 8 weeks. We probably had 20 dates and spent 3 weekends together. He did tell me in the beginning that he was afraid of getting hurt and asked if we could take things slow. Now from out of nowhere, he says he has doubts about dating me and needs time to think. He asked if I could give him a couple days so that's what I'm doing now. He wouldn't explain more, just said when he's done thinking he wants to talk. My interpretation is I know it's really bad and he's breaking up w/me. And in fact I think he's going to chicken out and I'll never hear from him again, based on how he's flaking. I'm so super sad.
But I want guys' opinions....what does this mean in guy speak? | |
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| Needs time to think?
Posted: 8/26/2011 5:22:34 PM | | Forget the guy speak. What it means in grown up talk is that you should not put any more effort or emotion into this guy and write him off. Whether he is truly done or not, he is not as into this relationship as you obviously are. If it does not end today, it will end shortly. | |
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| Needs time to think?
Posted: 8/26/2011 5:22:37 PM | ^^^ Solid advice from Canam. Personally, I'd probably move on too if I was you. Why wait for him to burst your bubble.
I'm just one guy, but I'd have to say that I think you may be right to be concerned.
Beyond that, I just don't know. He might have learned something about you that is a dealbreaker to him. He might have experienced a relationship recently that he's still trying to work out in his mind - he might not be over his previous girlfriend. It might be that he just can't commit. It might be as stupid as his wife is catching onto his cheating ways, and he needs to cut bait now. It could be anything.
He mentioned that later that he wants to talk, so I'm thinking that he may not bolt without explaining everything first. However, my gut feeling is that you're not going to like the direction his conversation is going to go.
I really hope that I am wrong, and I wish for you the best.
vvv - You are right to say we aren't exactly certain of what he is thinking - all we can do is answer from our own perspective. However, for my personal experience, If I have thought/said this while dating a woman early on in a relationship, it wasn't good for the relationship. When I have said it (it isn't often, but I'll admit to saying it once in my life), it led to a break-up initiated by me. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:29:17 PM | But I want guys' opinions....what does this mean in guy speak?
"He has doubts about dating me and needs time to think. asked if I could give him a couple days" That is all WE know for sure..
We can GUESS that he may have been feeling somewhat smothered or afraid of building expectations that he would be your next Ex..
Possibly he was worried about the reliability of your BC method.. Is having doubts about having an immediate family, or an unexpected one in about 9 months.. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:33:14 PM | I think it means he wants to see someone else or already has been.
Despite what anyone else may tell you, guys RARELY need "time to think." That is purely a female trait.
The only exceptions may be when it comes to getting married or having kids. We might need a little time to think about those things. But those are very important life decisions. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:33:46 PM | | My thought - he's also seeing someone else and now he's deciding which woman he prefers. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:35:10 PM | You really don't need any else's opinion on this.
Based on previous posts I'm guessing this is the guy you really liked. I would advise you not to let him back in though. If he calls and says he's decided to keep seeing you, he'd be way too high maintenance and too much drama. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:42:53 PM | Personally I dont like it when someone withdrawals as a form of dealing with their feelings. I like it all aired out, and someone to discuss with me, how they are feeling, and what we can do to get beyond that.
Going off somewhere after a mere 8 weeks, to have "time to think" seems a bit flaky to ME personally.
Or, then again, maybe you're just smothering the sh*t out of him? | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 5:45:33 PM | Well I would wait to see what he has to say when he talks. If you don't like the answer, probably best if you leave. If he doesn't contact you anymore, then again, I think you have your answer.
Unless he's in some complex work situation or family emergency, if he valued your "relationship", he would have told you he wanted you in his life, he loved you and he needed X week to do something he had to focus on, but would be back during Y interval.
Someone who wants to be with you acts like someone who actually wants to be with you. Is there a chance there's a good reason? Sure. Is it likely? Sorry, I doubt it. | |
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4x4fan
| | Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 10 | |
| Needs time to think?
Posted: 8/26/2011 5:59:53 PM | Why are you interested in such a pu$$? "Afraid of getting hurt"...well who isn't? At some point though you either take a chance, or you don't date anyone. I'm sorry, that's just such a crock of crap that he's spreading.
Sounds to me like he's a doesn't like to commit to anyone and is using the - afraid of getting hurt, and taking things slow - theme so that when he does get tired of you moves on you cannot get upset because he's forwarned you of his issues (but...he doesn't have any issues, he just like getting lots of different girls and laid the ground work for bailing at the get go). | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 6:19:27 PM | But I want guys' opinions....what does this mean in guy speak?
I just read your posting history about this man and your relationship.
Needing some time away doesn’t seem uncharacteristic or inexplicable to me, given his extreme caution about entering another serious love relationship after his divorce.
If I had to guess, I’d say that’s the simplest, most obvious reason he needs to take a break right now. He’s reached an impasse of sorts. He’s either got to commit to this or pull out soon.
He may be in panic-mode, knowing he’s gonna lose the best thing he’s had in a long while if he doesn’t allow it to develop. Or he might be afraid he’s going to hurt you terribly if he stays a while longer and then gives in to his fears.
He may need help to clear his head. I don’t know if it can come from you. But he’s upped the ante to excrutiating levels, he’s on the precipice of courage, there’s no way down and the only way forward is a leap into the unknown – towards you or away.
One thing you might do for him is to affirm the sincerity and depth of feeling you have for him, and the commitment you have to standing by him while he works through his wall of fear.
Another is to ask for a finite commitment from him – that is if and when he starts to speak with you again. Ask for a week. After which he can walk away or sign on for another week. And after that, another week or two.
I think he may be overwhelmed by the enormity of Committed Relationship, and it would help if he could whittle it down to size in his mind and remember you two are still relatively new in the grand scheme of things. And you're on the same side here.
Unless I’m mistaken and there’s a whole other issue on his plate, this is probably what it is. And you’re in an uncomfortable spot too, having to wait it out.
Unless I’m mistaken, this isn’t a guy-speak thing or even a guy thing. This is a skittish-as-a-colt thing and he needs to let his fears run a bit, but do so within limits you can live with as well. Don’t give up just yet. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 6:26:21 PM | Hard to say what anyone else is thinking. Again, like others have said, we can only guess. To me I am kind of wondering if he just needs a little more wiggle room. You say you have been dating now for 8 weeks, been on about 20 dates and spent 3 weekends together. That works out to being around each other every couple of days. For someone who was afraid of getting hurt and wanting to take things slow, that is a lot of time together.
Something to consider; Are you the first relationship he has been in since a long term break-up? If so, you may be the rebound girl. Rebounds generally only last a couple months.
I think your best bet would be to prepare yourself emotionally for a break up, BUT dont let it drive you nuts in waiting. Give him the time/space he is asking you for and wait and see what he has to say when he comes back around. The good thing here is that he is aware that a decision needs to be made and he is taking the time to sincerely think about what his needs/wants are and where you fit in to them. The results could be positive, not one knows but him right now. Good Luck! | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 6:40:10 PM | It could be that he is deciding between you and someone else. It could also be that your and his personality are not hitting it off.
Yes, this could be the end, he could be letting you down easy, but you won't know that until it happens. Try not to stress out about it, as you know, relationships come and go all the time.
Stiff upper lip... | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 6:44:10 PM | As a guy that isn't fluent in "guy speak" or "girl speak" or "dating speak" or any of that, it's possible that he's simply saying what he means and meaning what he says.
The negative of the situation is obvious: that he very well may not be interested in you.
The positive of this is at least he's being honest with you, and being honesty is an important factor in a relationship in my opinion. If I were you just wait a week or so and if he doesn't call you back by then, you should consider forgetting about him.
Of course, all of this is from someone that knows practically nothing about relationships. The other posters seem to be saying good things though. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 6:50:41 PM | OP, the more that I was thinking about it, really as musicsupport notes, this has little to do with "guyspeak."
Let's put it this way: If you had dated a guy for a couple of weeks (including some weekends), but then you approached a guy and said exactly what he said, what would you be thinking? What would have led you to make that statement? What would your state of mind be, and how would you be feeling about the relationship?
I think if you answer those questions, you have your answer. You see, it has nothing to do with guyspeak, does it? | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 7:31:25 PM | Feller's a salesman cici. Everything he told you was crap. No bloke says that unless he's just saying it because it sounded good.
Afraid of gettting hurt? WTF were you pointing a loaded gun at him at the time? That's girl talk, not guy talk. Blokes aren't really threatened by "emotional danger" seriously, c'mon, we were jumping off rooftops when mom bought us a superman cape at age 8. Girly feelings are funny and everything, but if we say them to you, just answer "yeah pal you're not getting laid from this wanky tale."
He said that because it got him laid. True story.
Don't be so gullible and avoid these car salesmen in future, yeah? They'll wind you up a single mom wondering how you're going to feed some little hungry mouths and whingeing about how men don't want to root you anymore.
hmm...just looking at some of the posts above it seems america loves wanky salesmen. I feel sorry for you cici, my suggestion is date euro or pacific or something :/ | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 7:40:52 PM | | This guy is not ready for a relationship...Period. It has nothing to do with you. I am in the same boat except I havent dated a girl that long as you guys were dating. To be honest both of you need to take a step back and kinda chill. To many young people try and jump into serious relationships to quickly. You dont deal with the baggage from your previous relationships and bring it into a new one. You guy is afarid of getting hurt which shows he hasn't gotten over his last breakup. What happened to dating more than one person? | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 7:45:36 PM | lol superman, are the pretty girls really scary hurty to you? this seriously gets you laid over there? Man you blokes just plain sold out. Get real. Been knifed in a back alley, that's getting hurt bud, but we keep it to ourselves, ya know? Nah, you don't.
cici, date men. Don't go for jokers. They're in it for the currency. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 8:00:37 PM | Be careful of the advice people give on the forum. I tend to believe that you can't generalize what people say. You also can't really ask other people what they think it means for numerous reasons. We all have different ways of expressing our selves for starters. So one person might beat around the bush another will just be up front and honest. It really just depends if he's an honest guy then it means exactly what he's saying "I need space and I'm having doubts" that doesn't exactly mean he is done.
Who knows why he's needing space? If you want to know then when the two of you do talk again ask him directly. He should be able to give you an honest straight answer. Maybe he's realizing he's not ready to jump into a serious relationship? Maybe he's seen some red flags and isn't sure about them. It really could numerous things. The best advice I can give you is just go with it and don't read into it. When he says he has doubts ask him what those doubts are! Don't take any of it personally and see if they are things you can work through.
If you enjoy the guys company and like him then slow it down a bit if you can and take the relationship for what it is NOW. | |
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Posted: 8/26/2011 8:46:46 PM | I have to agree with the majority, he's backing out for one reason or another... I personally wouldn't do what you say he did if I really liked you and thought it would lead to something more I'd want to spend as much time as I could with you.
When we find what we are looking for, we don't want to let go of it and we give it everything we have to keep it flowing strong... sometimes it ruins the relationship, but when its right even spending 24/7 together will work just fine. When we back away its because we have doubts... he may have just wanted sex or realized you were not what he wanted or he found someone else he liked more.
Either way, move on... or give him a little time, a couple weeks at most... the choice is yours regardless of what we advise. | |
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