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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?      Home login  
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 ForumQueen
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 1
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Met a guy, had an amazing date which turned into us seeing each other every day for several weeks. Going on amazing dates. We are having so much fun, he says he's never felt like this before, he's chosen an "our song", calls all throughout the day, we talk for hours, etc. About a week ago he started acting weird and proceeded to tell me that he wants to slow things down because he is scared that I will hurt him. He continues to say how attractive he thinks I am and he is worried that I will date someone else. He has started spending less time together, now more like 4 times a week rather than everyday. I've told him he can trust me but he says he just doesn't know me. He says he wants to get to know me better, and has no idea of us stopping seeing each other. When we are together he will say so many awesome things about how he feels, etc. I am confused. He talks like he is already in love, but then says how he wants to slow things down. Is he telling me the truth? How should I react? Is this just an excuse? Need some advice.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:01:10 PM
Every day for weeks right off the bat is a lot to take in. I'm female and I know I'd freak out after a few weeks of that and want to catch up on everything I put aside to be in this all consuming relationship. He may be one of those people that jumps in without thinking and then realizes he's over his head and needs to back out and get balance. Give him some time to adjust, and to be honest, there are probably a lot of things you haven't been paying attention to either (yourself, your friends, your job, hobbies, etc?). This would be a good time to get your balance back.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 3
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:02:15 PM
If he didn't want to see you at all...
I would say that is a line.

But as you two still date....
then believe him.
As us guys don't play the wuss card lightly.

Best advice:
Call his bluff and just see him a few times a week,
or just once and see how that goes.
Every day is extreme.

So don't over worry this.
yet.
and do what women have always done in this spot.
see him only enuff for him to beg to see more of you.
:-P

Good luck.
 GloriaRebellious
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 4
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:04:18 PM
When you ride a freight train, there's a high risk of crashing. Anyway, you should be asking him, not us. If he can't or won't give you a straightforward answer or you don't believe him, then you already know the answer....which is move on and don't let a few weeks of intense emotions make your decisions.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 5
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:10:49 PM
Define "several" as in "several weeks"????????

Ask yourself why wouldn't you believe him when he states he's scared???? Have you never heard that from a man before????? Do you know how many times in the past he's gone thru what I call the "ringer". For a lot of men, going thru that "ringer" once in a lifetime is once too many.

I'm thinking, give the guy a break.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:16:10 PM
This sounds to me to EXACTLY be what "In Love" is all about.

A drug-like "high," loss of perspective, wild, self-indulgent joy, without thought for the consequences.

Then one day, a sudden moment of clarity, realizing that this long-sought emotional high is actually NOT enough to carry a pair of people through whatever real differences they might have, and that actually LIVING "happily ever after" is WAY more complicated and subtle than being "in love" can possibly relate to.

So he panics, and wants to go back, and do the sort of pedestrian, careful laying of a proper foundation of mutual goals and methods that WILL actually make it clear that this is more than a fling.

Several things limit what an onlooker can say about this:

I can't know whether he is or isn't a "player," a moocher who knows how to perform an elaborate faking of this scenario in order to string you along.

I can't predict, as no one can, whether by chance it WILL prove to be true that you are BOTH chemically matched such that being "in love" is possible, AND that a long-term, reliable relationship is mutually possible.

I can't predict if he knows himself well enough NOT to panic further, and run away from the entire sense of "jumping off a cliff" that is entailed with actually MAKING a real commitment.

I have no idea whether or not he might, as some do, get frustrated that being realistic and careful, and being in the drug-induced high of "in love" are mutually exclusive, much like trying to BOTH behave with wild abandon, AND take care to fold clothes, drive safely, and save for the future like a smart person does.

Personally, I would say that really, your risks have not changed one bit with the episode of being wildly "in love." Just as if it never happened, you might or might not be compatible, and, as before, each of you might or might not actually be ready to make a long-term, serious commitment.
 pinkoleander
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 7
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:24:51 PM
I say, hurt him then show him he lived through it. The worst is now over and you can proceed without caution.
 Altar-Ego
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 8
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:30:21 PM
I'm with Igor here, good summary.

He may be pulling back because of fear but let me play Devil's Advocate for a moment and also say it's a classic manipulation and grooming technique.

The "come here, go away" routine is used by many types of people with dishonourable intentions.

For your sake I hope it's simple insecurity on his part which you guys can work thru.

A suggestion perhaps, how about a couple of weeks time out to see how you both feel about it?
 ForumQueen
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 9
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:33:09 PM
I like you suggestion AlterEgo. I have been just letting him decide when he wants to get together, which virtually everyday he is still wanting to hang out but I have been deliberately making it every other day. By us being apart for a day, he starts getting really anxious to get together.
 Ice_Queen_211
Joined: 11/27/2010
Msg: 10
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:59:17 PM
Talk about DYSFUNCTIONAL!
-seeing each other "every day"
-calls all throughout the day, talking for "hours"

Good Lord, how do you have time to work or care for your children? And if you see him every day, that means you've introduced him to your kids so quickly?

It's a terrible idea to get that caught up in someone new that you see them 'every day' right from the beginning, spend hours on the phone each day; where's the balance in your life? Sounds very needy and codependent. Scary.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 11
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:23:29 PM
Seeing someone every single day is a lot, especially if that person isn't used to it, or used to being in a relationship. It's a drastic change from being by yourself, then suddenly having another person in your life every day. 4 days a week is still a lot of time to spend together. A few days away gives you time to miss each other, catch up on errands, house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Things that need to get done. I wouldn't worry about it, he still wants to see you & spend time w/you, he's not ending the relationship. It's ok to give him some space, you don't want to smother him that would be a mistake.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 12
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:37:47 PM
I agree with Gloria and Ice Queen, and Cougar. The fun, zingy, intoxicating thrill of the first flash is great but it isn’t love, and isn't sustainable.
 Monike2011
Joined: 12/18/2010
Msg: 13
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:39:12 PM
Whatever the real reason is behind his pulling back, the bottom line is: he is.

Expand yourself and date other men now. He told you his feelings, you may never know if he's being truthful or not. You must respect his feelings, nevertheless. Start fishing again and have fun!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:56:16 PM
Lot's of people are addicted to the newness of someone they just met, then once they start to get to know them a little, the real person ruins their fantasy person. Or they just lose interest. Or they have issues, you aren't a therapist, so stop trying to make him believe you, if he is unable to be in a real relationship, believe him and move on. But most likely it's just his way of dumping you nicely. Don't keep seeing someone who runs hot then cold, unless you like drama. Personally I'm not looking for someone who is too scared to date, that really says a lot about a person.

On the other hand, it's only been a few weeks, if you are still interested in him then keep dating him and see if he's a nut case or not. But really, he sounds like someone who gets a lot right off the bat, uses it up, then moves on to something newer. I mean it's only been a few weeks, you don't even know each other yet, so do you really believe all his lines and seriously, how could you possibly know if you would hurt him or not, you don't know him yet, you can't keep begging and telling him you would never do that, you can't see the future. Do not make promises you have no idea if you can keep them.
 MagikMan59
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 15
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:57:32 PM
Sounds like a guy that has been hurt before, like he comes on too strong and the women start to feel he's too clingy and push him away. So maybe he's right, that after knowing him a little longer you will do the same thing to him.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 16
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 8:12:34 PM
and proceeded to tell me that he wants to slow things down because he is scared that I will hurt him.


Okay, the infatuation is beginning to wane.
His rational cognitive abilities are beginning to respond better now.
So he will slow down a bit more and check for dust under your sheets etc.


He continues to say how attractive he thinks I am


Good sign.


and he is worried that I will date someone else.


Tell him to buck up, you might, or you might not. Its only been about a month. You can go meet another guy if you "feel" like it.


He has started spending less time together, now more like 4 times a week rather than everyday.


Yes, thats fine. Infatuation, at its strongest, tends to make you do really stupid stuff, like forsake everything else in your life for this one person. He still has to go work, and grocery shop.


I've told him he can trust me but he says he just doesn't know me.


He is right. You should not have said that. The really honest will say, "You can trust that I will probably be attracted to others and investigate during this interim time".
Then tell him to man up.


He says he wants to get to know me better, and has no idea of us stopping seeing each other.


Great . Tell him to stop whining about it.


When we are together he will say so many awesome things about how he feels, etc. I am confused. He talks like he is already in love,


Some people get hit harder with infatuation [aka: Romantic love, not love]. He is basically on a natural amphetamine high. Its some chemicals the brain produces when the right person [for literally the time being ] is around.


but then says how he wants to slow things down.


Yes, its like being on a roller coaster of emotions.


Is he telling me the truth?
....Yes.


How should I react?
.....With caution. You're obviously not affected as much as he is.


Is this just an excuse?
.....Nope. Its very real.
 beenambedie
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 17
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 8:50:57 PM
I've told him he can trust me.

I would have done the same thing he did only more so. Any woman that said that to me would not be trusted because every woman that has said that to me has been a liar or f**ked me over. If you really are trustworthy you don't have to advertise it.
At the risk of being severely attacked I will tell you the advise I have given my 20 y/o son and any other man that asks. Many, let me say that again MANY women over the years have caused me to feel this way. Advise: NEVER TRUST A WOMAN WITH A PULSE.
Good luck and HAVE A NICE DAY !
 vanaheim
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 18
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 8/31/2011 11:09:32 PM
I know this one well, was a streetkid when I was little, got the living crap abused out of me in shelters but dealt with it, I'm good now. But I do know about overwhelming paranoias in personal relationships so powerful they seem like a disembodied force, yet surprisingly the human emotion is far more bulletproof than womens magazines give it credit for. Usually when someone is over the top about this stuff, particularly a bloke it's actually because they're just an idiot or they're having a big ol' wank. Sorry, no soft way to put that.

People get their legs blown off in third world countries by land mines and come through okay personality wise. Don't get sucked into a narcissistic fantasy just because some bloke wants to feel precious. There's the guts of my advice.

My instincts tell me you've got a manipulative crap artist here, from your rendition. Probably doesn't know what he's doing, but probably living in a soap opera of life filmed by his own head.

"I'm scared I'm going to get hurt," is the biggest line from a bloke. You should ask him if he's on the rag or something. Dude's just playing options. My opinion. Start treating him like a child, see how that takes.
"There there, the scary clown is just wearing makeup sweety."
 satisfeye
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 19
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:22:39 AM
First of all any man with insecurity issues is not good for long relationships. If a man isn't consitant with what he say verses how he acts is most likely playing games. After reading your post I have a question. What happened right before things changed? Did you start having sex? or did you ask him something that made him withdraw? replay the actions over in your head and you will find the answer you're looking for. Whatever happens don't invest to much of yourself until you are sure he feels the same way.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:32:43 AM

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt," is the biggest line from a bloke. You should ask him if he's on the rag or something. Dude's just playing options. My opinion. Start treating him like a child, see how that takes.
"There there, the scary clown is just wearing makeup sweety."


In other words, he should just "man up", and don't feel what he does, cause we all know men don't have feelings.
 recreator611
Joined: 1/29/2011
Msg: 21
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:37:26 AM
Sounds like he rushes things....talk to him.....find out where hes coming from bfore YOU get hurt.....good luck!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:57:15 AM
Be honest, tell him you are getting very mixed signals and do not operate that way. Let him know that you are more than happy to slow it down but until you both decide to be exclusive you are a free agent.
He sounds way too over the top for a healthy relationship. Seeing each other every day then talking multiple times as well seems really needy. Far too many bad realtionships start off acting like siamese twins when they barely know one another.
 cinnarose
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 23
He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:10:25 AM
4 times a week is still a lot of time, but to each his own. Take the pace as slowly as you are both comfortable with, and get to know each other. It's a good sign for the current relationship that you're still seeing each other.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:57:12 AM
It's little wonder so many people here are single and will be for a long time. The guy wants to do something that's normal-slow it down, not rush into things too fast, get to know each other-and everybody psycho-analyzes this to death and determine the guy is a bum, a player who's playing games, etc. They just met recently, so instead of seeing each other everyday and calling each other for hours when they're not physically together, they now see each other ONLY four times a week. The horror of it all!! Seeing each other four times a week and talking all the time on the phone for hours on end is a sure sign that the guy is not interested and is going to dump her. Give me a friggin break! Then the delusional cyber therapists here start picking apart the guy and tell OP to get rid of this guy or be prepared to get dumped.

As for the statement "He says he's scared he is gonna get hurt":
If a woman doesn't want to rush into a relationship too quickly because she's afraid of getting hurt, everybody thinks she's making a wise decision. But if a guy was to say the same thing, everybody assumes there is something wrong with the guy. How does that work? If he didn't say anything, he would be accused of hiding secrets, and if he's accused of hiding secrets, that's a sure sign in women's minds that he's sleeping with other women. It's too bad common sense isn't very common.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 25
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He says hes scared he is gonna get hurt?
Posted: 9/1/2011 3:52:40 PM

He may be pulling back because of fear but let me play Devil's Advocate for a moment and also say it's a classic manipulation and grooming technique.

The "come here, go away" routine is used by many types of people with dishonourable intentions.

This is a very good point.

It's a terrible idea to get that caught up in someone new that you see them 'every day' right from the beginning, spend hours on the phone each day; where's the balance in your life? Sounds very needy and codependent.
This too is a very good point, Idon't know as I'd go so far as to label it as "scary"-but definitey something worth thinking about.
What carolann says makes a lot of sense too.

He wants to dial back,so I think you are foolish to cajole, promise...as was pointed out-you can't KNOW you won't hurt him...you can certainly say that you truly HATE situations that give you cause to hurt or disappoint someone.

It does kinda sound like he almost becomes a PITA,and then gets hurt when the object of his affection starts getting a bit burned out.

I think YOU need to set some boundaries as to how much of your time and energy you are allowing him to take up in your life-really, you should have done so before this.

Hey, tell him that you are wanting to slow WAAY down bcause you've had too many guys us this tactic (feigning 'fear of being hurt') to manipulate you or control you. And then DO it-slow WAAY down.

It's too bad common sense isn't very common.

Yanno-I'm not sure whether it really IS all that scarce, or whether some people just can't recognize it.

I think that the OP has had a variety of theories and opinions offered to her...I don't especially see a preponderance of bashing on the guy.

A lot of the people here are single because they DID rush into something, or did get tangled up with a user or a player.

I think that this may be a case of a guy who rushes into involvements,is TOO present, and has had other women needing to try and dial HIM back-which he took as complete rejection. So now he's going to be "pre-emptive" and "pro-active"...but when a guy-or a woman comes on like gangbusters-practically velcro-ing themselves to the object of interest-THEN realizes (s)he might be coming on too strong ,and tries to dial back-that can be puzzling, even confusing to the object of interest.
I think most of us are more comfortable with something that builds UP to frequent contact-rather that a lot of contact at first,then a desire to "slow down". As another poster mentioned, the "come here/go away" behavior CAN be a classic manipulation tactic. Or it can be someone who genuinely feels they might either be rushing into something-or worried that too much contact will "sour" the object of interest.

If the guy wants to slow down, OP, there isn't much you can do to MAKE him keep coming around and calling as much as he did at first. Were I you, I'd just get on with living and enjoying your life-if it includes other social activities..." I want to slow down" is certainly not a request for exclusivity and for you to maintain maximum availability to HIS wishes. And I'm suggesting this just as a procedure of common sense, NOT a counter-manipulation tactic,or giving him a dating "schoolhousing".
Cindy O
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