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 dosu7611
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 1
I would like your advice on moving onPage 1 of 1    
I lost my husband of 30 years just over a year. I want to begin dating again. In your opinion, would it be something that you would not want me to talk of. Would it be an absolute turn-off. Not sure of how to proceed here on POF. I feel that to meet a man that I can share this with will help me to move on and start anew. Am I wrong?
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 2
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:05:05 PM
OP, the question that I have to ask you is this: Are you ready to move on? Have you come to terms with the death of your husband? If the answer is yes, then I think that you may be ready. However, if not, then the thing is that dating a new guy won't help you get over his death. The only person that can help you start a new chapter is yourself.

As for dating a widow, I used to be a big believer in that I would not want to be a guy that would want to hear about a deceased husband during the date. The thing is that as a guy, one of the hardest thing to deal with is dating a widow because of the fear that anything that we do as a guy will never measure up to your deceased husband. However, over the last fear years, I have lost my parents and so I understand now how important it is to move on with your own life. I also now understand that though I affectionately remember my parents, I know that there are people in my life and people not amongst me any longer, and thus it isn't wise to keep the two separate. The thing is that I can only live amongst one of those populations, and thus I should make that life the best it can be with the people that I can spend it with. Just find a guy who is of like mind and I think you will be fine in this matter.

The only thing that gives me pause is that it has been two years since the death of my last parent, and it has taken me a fair amount of that time to get over their deaths. Just make sure that you are getting back into dating on your own terms. I hope that I did not come across as too judgmental for I really am rooting for you. It is just that the last thing that I would want to see happen is that you get hurt. Life is rough enough as it is.

I wish for you the best.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 3
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:07:50 PM
TURN OFF to me.

Mark on your profile widow and let that be it until you are asked or in a relationship of SOME sort.

Sounds soon to me to get close to anyone, but go have fun and date .


Yes you are wrong in wanting a man to help you "move on".
 Basiate
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 4
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:33:25 PM
I was with one man for 25 years and he passed away 2 yrs ago. I started dating about 8 months after. Its a process to learn how to discuss it and each person is different. For me, I try to leave the topic alone unless I am asked specifically about it. Even then, I am careful to only discuss what is asked and not delve in to detail of the circumstances of his passing or our marriage. Besides, unless things become long term, there is no reason to even go in to detail over it.

The hardest obstacle for me to get past was what to call him. I found myself referring to him as "my husband" and it just sounded weird, so I now call him my ex just to make it easier when he is brought up.

It is inevitable that you will talk about him because you have 30 years of memories and experiences involving him. Just be careful how much he is entered into the conversation. Simply saying things like, "I once took my kids there" is easier to say than saying, "my husband and I use to take our kids there." With someone who is divorced, there is a clear cut label they use when talking about their ex-spouses. When you become a widow, its a bit more complicated, especially when trying to tell a story that involves them once being there.

As for when you are ready to date? That is totally up to you. My particular circumstances made the transition to dating a bit easier for me and I was ready rather soon. For someone else, it may be a bit more difficult. I went to people I was close to and my children and asked their opinions of what they thought. They all said "go for it" which only confirmed what I was already feeling.

If you decide to go out on a few dates, and come home feeling weird or uncomfy, then it is probably better to wait a little longer and try it again later down the road, but do not use dating as a tool to get over your loss. I can only see that going down hill really fast.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 5
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:33:28 PM
OP, I'm not a fan of what you're trying to do , what you're going to do is set up future heart aches and frustrations, perhaps take some time and really get over your husband of 30 years, you need to spend time on your own, do the things that make you happy, meeting someone to assuage your pain in my opinion isn't right and isn't nice thing really.

You're lonely I get it, you cant be married for 30 years and lose him to death and not be, but you don't want to rush into a new relationship either, because you might end up meeting the wrong type of fellow.

I would suggest not dating but meeting friends, join a support group, do some hobbies, hang out friends maybe the odd date no pressure type of thing.

If you cant move on , seek out therapy, defer to the experts that are trained to help people in your situation
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 6
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:41:54 PM
There are support groups for people that have lost their spouses... I would suggest that rather than trying to find a man to help you through your process.

You will make relationships (friends) with others that can relate to your situation.

My aunt did this recently and it was a great experience for her! She even met and started dating someone on a pretty serious level.
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 7
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:43:37 PM

I feel that to meet a man that I can share this with will help me to move on and start anew. Am I wrong?


To move on and start anew, dating might not be the answer. A support group might be the best answer.
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 8
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:25:41 PM
Can I take you out to dinner and talk about my former gf's/wives?

Now I understand he passed away, sorry for your loss... it must be difficult.

But you should focus on your future... if after you've been dating a while and a man asks you about him then sure its ok... but honestly you itching to talk about your late husband then you're not ready to move on yet. Stick to talking to a close friend about him so much that you let it all out of your system so you can move on.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 9
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:27:13 PM
I wouldn't bring it up in the beginning other than to say you are a widow. It's too deep to talk about in the beginning, but after some time certainly.
 kitkatathome
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 10
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:40:02 PM
Original Poster, You were part of a team , for a long time, I suggest taking alittle more time to discover yourself - solo. I'm with Cdn iceman all the way.........life is for the living.........so go have fun, if thats what you feel like doing. The last thing your heart needs is to be yanked this way and that. Let it heal, and you'll know when you're ready to date or get involved. I would think that the gentleman would want to know some of your past, to get to know you better, and how you came to be how you are. I know this is for the guys, but there are other girls here too. Maybe I can draw a moustache on my picture. P.S.Basiate, May I suggest calling your late husband, your 'late husband'.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 11
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:03:17 PM

In your opinion, would it be something that you would not want me to talk of.


Probably not a good idea to use the "I lost my husband" as conversation material.
Besides, the guy might say something like, "Maybe he just ran away", or "Lets retrace your steps, where did you see him last" or "Did you check lost and found".


Would it be an absolute turn-off.


Its a downer, yes.
But chances are he probably lost his woman, and you could ask him if he checked "Lost and found".

Sometimes its too soon to date.
 Dorkvader27
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 12
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:32:16 PM
It depends why he left you. I've seen it make and break relationships.

I've got a friend who's ex wife cheated on him to say the least he was devistated by it. In my opinion it left some fairly deep scars on him. How ever it worked out he met a woman who went through a similar situation and they've got a great relationship today (as far as I know).

That said you want to be careful how you talk about your ex. It can be a huge turn off if a woman I'm talking to talks about her ex to much especially in positive ways I run. Sorry but if a woman is telling me all these positive things about her ex I'm going to concerned that relationship could get sparked up again.

There comes a point in which you need to put things behind you and move on with your life. If you're not ready to do that then don't start dating. If you need someone to talk to about it that's what councelors are for. Yes it can be a little expensive but it's a lot cheaper then getting married and divorced again.
 FrankieSayRelax
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 13
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:11:27 PM
Dorkvader: It depends why he left you.

He passed away, you jackass.
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 14
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:28:07 PM
I can't speak for every guy out there, but I do not mind hearing about those types of things, but if you want to talk about it don't make it be the only thing you talk about. Just say your piece if he does not bring it up or ask I would not mention it much. Unless you just want to use the guy to dump stuff on, but I don't think it is grounds for any type of serous relationship.
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 15
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:28:32 PM
OP: Losing your husband is a big deal to you but not to anyone you date unless that's someone who knew him in which case avoid talking about him on a date. So don't worry about your date wanting to dig into your past marriage. You date is only interested in you. Keep the focus on you and your date. Ask him questions about himself and his hopes for the future. If he asks where your husband is just say you're a widow and change the subject. I definitely would not try to use dating for self analysis. It's to fair to your date to unload your problems on him. Leave your problems at home.
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 16
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/2/2011 1:32:02 AM
Hi OP, I'm not sure I understand your statement here:

I feel that to meet a man that I can share this with will help me to move on and start anew.

Do you mean that telling any man about it (be it the first date or something down the line) might help you move on with the reality that you are now single?

Or do you mean that only if you find a man with whom you feel comfortable sharing the information, then you could move on/start anew with him?

If it's the first one, that would leave me with the impression that you are still grieving at a level that would not provide a healthy foundation for a new relationship.
If you still "need" people to know your story and your sorrow, then you're needing comfort for your old grief and not a companion for your new life.

If it is the second one (not that I've covered all options by any means), it would seem logical that sharing such an experience with the right person, without them running for the hills, would be a bonding experience.
Personally, I probably wouldn't bring it up for conversation unless the topic naturally presented itself.
 DMWZen
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 17
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/2/2011 4:37:15 AM
OP, you shouldn't be looking for someone to help you move on. You should have moved on before you seek someone out. Make sure you work with a professional if you need help working through the loss, no man is going to want to be your grief counsellor. I really empathize with your loss, but there are things in life that you have to work through on your own (most of the important things), and this is one of them. Help can come through either self-examination or professional help, but the next person in your life will seldom be able to help you close the previous chapter.

Do yourself and anyone you'd be thinking of dating a favor, and call up a grief counsellor. Make sure you're ready for what you want. A year seems like a long time, but it's really NO time if you haven't done work to get past the loss.

I wish you Peace, and hope you find a way through.
 dosu7611
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 18
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/2/2011 6:23:20 AM
A "thank you" to all of you that responded to my post. All the advice given here will be food for thought. Just to say, I am in grief counseling.
 Wrenchturner
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 19
I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/2/2011 9:51:44 AM
You can look at this from two different perspectives.

One, you are human and you went through something quite traumatic. For someone you might start dating to not get that would be insensitive of them.

On the other hand, if you are going to try to use dating as the equivalent of therapy, you are going to end up in a mess.

Of course it would be important for someone you are involved with to know you are recently widowed but, that does not mean anyone you date wants to spend their time with you listening to you talk about your deceased spouse. If you feel the need to talk about that you should probably seek out a counselor, not a date. The best advice I can give you is to not hide it but, not to make a major issue of it either. If it is still a major issue to you, you are not ready to date.
 wayfarer4you
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 20
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I would like your advice on moving on
Posted: 9/2/2011 10:42:25 AM
Op. In truth a year is a short time to come to terms with a loss like that, But if you feel ready to jump into the dating pool please remember your floatys And mace .
Also you have 30 years of life with a man and you will feel like talking about this or that and. About stuff your hubby and you have done but dont its ruff enough to learn about the lady you are and the ghost of husband past........
Be sure of what you want before you head you into this great pond because there are many pitfalls and. Deep water.
Good luck and. All my best your way
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