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 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 1
Am I in denial or just a bad person?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I dated someone on here for 9 months and he never got off pof. He claimed they were his friends. Than one night I couldn't stand it and looked in his phone and saw text's from other girls. So I responded to a few with a dumb statement and one of them replied. I continued the conversation making her think she was texting him. I found out that he was really hitting on her. She said she was looking for a serious relationship. The next day I texted her from my own phone and said she had been talking to me the whole time. She of course called/texted him pissed. He in turn screamed and yelled at me for texting his friends. Of course he denied ever trying to score. For two and a half weeks he would call scream and yell and than hang up on me.
How I REALLY hurt him. Finally, he said yes he was trying to score, pick-up or whatever you want to call it. After two weeks of torturing me.
But, I am still the bad person because I looked in his phone. Now he simply ignores me. Of course he owes me money on top of everything else.
I did/maybe still do love him. Am I really that bad for looking in his phone or what?
Right now I am miserable and wish I could start all over again. The whole 9 months. Than again I think I am just in denial. He is a shellfish bas*** crumb of a person.
I just want to be and not confused and or hurt. No m ore Do you think it will be like it was Or am I just putting you to
Thanks ahead of time if you respond
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:25:05 PM
op
you can't go back to the place you were before you looked/texted on his phone. and why would you want to? he was lying, cheating. you found out.
do you really think you can trust him again? are you afraid to be alone? afraid you won't find another man? you need to be asking yourself why you would want him back?
your love for him sounds more like you have fear of losing him in your life, even if the life you have with him is based on cheating and lying.....

think about it,
kaylee
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 3
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:25:34 PM
Well you won't get any gold star from me for snooping!! Not just snooping but actually holding a high school text conversation just to "prove a point" when all along if you didn't trust him you should have just let him go!
If you don't have trust, you really don't have much of any thing.
Why would you want to start all over again with him??
Don't lend money you can't afford to "give" away!!
 MGoose
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 4
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:39:24 PM
OP, anyone would understand if you were hurt but you're certainly not confused. You figured something was up and (no surprise) it was.

Sure there might have been more mature ways to handle it but you certainly don't need to hear a lecture from that guy. You SHOULD be happy. You just got rid of a real loser.

Just remember that whatever you're feeling will wear off with time away, and that's what you need to do. Go with your girlfriends or get some alone time.. but never spend another minute with that idiot ever again. Real relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. At this point there's no going back to that so you'll never have a real relationship with him any ways. Why bother?
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 5
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:41:01 PM
It’s a two edge sword; a woman’s intuition, and that’s also the beauty of being a woman. You knew, and you found what you already knew within you. Isn’t it hurtful even though you knew, but you were hoping so deeply that you would be wrong….You found out what you needed to know? Trust that even though it hurts now, later you might never know why it took to searching (snooping) to find the truth out, that in all reality this will probably save you more heartache, and maybe an STD, or worse down the road.
To catch a liar, one does have to stoup to a liar's level, to catch a liar at their own game. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a smart person!
You’re not in denial, you know now. Move on.
Continue to have faith in yourself, and what you found out.
Take time to heal and be well.
Celebrate yourself that you were smart enough to figure it out!
 where_r_you
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 6
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:47:43 PM
You are not a bad person, and fortunately, you are no longer in denial. The wonderful womans intuition made you look in his phone, and if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have flipped out. Sounds quite familiar. Same thing happened to me but only it was my husband. I too had a feeling something was up. After some investigating, found out he had an account on a website that isn't even for dating, it's simply to hook up for sex. Long story short, I can tell you from experience that this guy is my husband all over again. If he gave a crap about you, he wouldn't be on pof at all. He's a player. Things certainly CAN be the way they were again, as long as you are willing to put the blinders on and leave them there. Get rid of him, he won't change. You deserve better than that.
 where_r_you
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 7
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:47:52 PM
You are not a bad person, and fortunately, you are no longer in denial. The wonderful womans intuition made you look in his phone, and if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have flipped out. Sounds quite familiar. Same thing happened to me but only it was my husband. I too had a feeling something was up. After some investigating, found out he had an account on a website that isn't even for dating, it's simply to hook up for sex. Long story short, I can tell you from experience that this guy is my husband all over again. If he gave a crap about you, he wouldn't be on pof at all. He's a player. Things certainly CAN be the way they were again, as long as you are willing to put the blinders on and leave them there. Get rid of him, he won't change. You deserve better than that.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 8
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:51:01 PM
Your problem was that you 1- didn't trust him and 2- snooped through is phone, 3- escalated the situation by lying, pretending to be someone else and 4- got "revenge" by telling the woman who you are.

You knew he was still on a dating site for 9 months. You suspected he was lying about his "friends". After you snooped, you could and should have ended it with him without causing all your drama and involving other people.

So, while you were possibly (by a long stretch) "justified" to snoop (thought I think you really knew the truth without resorting to that since you "couldn't stand it"), what you did with the information you sneakily uncovered was absolutely wrong.

Admit to yourself that deep inside you knew he was deceiving you all along. That's where the denial comes it. You knew.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 9
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:52:24 PM
Look Star, two wrongs to make a right! you snooped , you gambled and you lost, but what you lost wasn't worth the prize anyways.

He's a liar, a fool , bend him over and kick him to the curb, none of this second guessing, 9 months you were with him and you know hes lied to you for at least 8 months 3 weeks, he lied through his teeth, assuming they are his real teeth.

There is no trust obviously, while I don't condone snooping because that is wrong too and what you did wasn't cool either , and it makes you look bad, even though he's a low life piece of shit from a dog's ass.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:57:27 PM
Did you ever have an "exclusive" conversation with him?

You don't say whether you were just dating him for nine months, and decided ON YOUR OWN that you were in a committed relationship with him, or if instead he actually agreed to date only you. Unless he did, then you would have no right to complain that he was still dating other people.

You need t accept your mistakes and learn from this, NOT try to escape it or erase it from having happened. Lesson one, is not to assume anything. Next time, express what you expect from the relationship directly to the other person, and get their agreement.

Love is a WONDERFUL emotion, and a marvelous feeling, but it is NOT a controlling force that makes anything happen in a predictable, and certain fashion. It is up to the people who feel it, to decide how it will be express, and what it will mean for their lives.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 11
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:01:35 PM

I dated someone on here for 9 months and he never got off pof. He claimed they were his friends.


What did he claim you were?

Were you in a relationship together? Did you mutually agree you were in an exclusive relationship? Did he call you his girlfriend?

If you were in a committed relationship I can understand checking the phone if I suspected cheating. I don't necessarily think it would be right, but it would be me protecting myself. I would however straight up ask the person prior to snooping. Sounds like you did not communicate this with him first. I also think it was very wrong of you to spin that web of lies after finding out. You already knew what you need to to end things, there was no point to the rest. Emotionally I get it, but it was wrong.

You both don't have reason to trust either right now... so it's highly unlikely it would work out.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 12
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:02:24 PM
You found him here, yet you wanted him OFF of here?
"A man finds a woman and hopes she doesn't change.. A woman finds a man and hopes he does.. And they are both disappointed.."
(darn, was going to use a few smilies here, but they were all out) You are not a bad person, just imperfect..

He in turn screamed and yelled at me for texting his friends. Of course he denied ever trying to score. For two and a half weeks he would call scream and yell and than hang up on me.

Like a child having a tantrum after having been caught in a major lie.. You dodged a bullet...

Another anecdotal example of why finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second GREATEST CHALLENGE IN LIFE..
Since it requires sharing about 50% control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 13
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:10:35 PM
Your point being???
I didn't know right away he was still on POF. We were in love and going to church together for months. I met his entire family. Why would I go on pof to check. I figured it out much later. He is a terrible liar. I didn't want to argue at first because what is the point? And he would just lie anyway.
I don't care about being justified. I feel bad. I know that I have to answer to God for my sins. I didn't get other people involved he did. I wanted him to know that his lies, his chips, his cards were up. He could not possibly lie to me anymore. I hate people that just lie to lie. It makes me ill.
Yes, I was snooping.. I am sure the girl will survive without having to see a therapist.
Me on the other hand, not so much.
Thanks for responding.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 14
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:13:21 PM
I feel better, now. Thanks for responding
What you said felt real and honest. It didn't feel like a wet mop across my face or a high five. But, it made me feel better some how.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 15
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:19:54 PM
Did you assume you were in a committed relationship because he met your family?

You hadn't responded to previous questions, which is why I ask.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 16
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:22:51 PM
Sounds like you were in denial at one point if you hate people that lie but could spot his lies.

In this day and age, nine months of dating is enough that his life (and yours) should be transparent. I'd not call it snooping, I'd call in investigating. Better than coming down with a std or marrying a loser like this.

Good for you for walking away.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 17
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:28:46 PM
Yes, I was his girlfriend. He practically lived at my house. He was here every night. He told me he loved me. He said he wasn't that kind of guy that fooled around with more than one woman.
He said he didn't want to get married, but I understand that. I have been married two times.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 18
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:30:18 PM
Star, you had adequate reason to suspect he was interested in other women. Whether or not he ever claimed to be in an exclusive relationship, that's how you felt, and discovering he didn't feel the same way hurt you badly.

You will get over it/him, and possibly sooner than you think right now. He is out ofyour life, just make sure you keep it that way; don't see him, don't talk to him, don't respond to any texts or e-mails you may receive from him. The healing process will go much faster that way.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 19
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:35:21 PM
hmmm...

I heard this same line from another women from an earlier thread and they were not in an exclusive relationship (she thought they were).


He said he wasn't that kind of guy that fooled around with more than one woman.


Your response should have been. 'Yes I am his girlfriend. We both talked about it together and decided to be in a committed relationship'. But you didn't say that... I wonder if you two really decided that together.

You two were no doubt doing all the things people in relationships do, but he could have had different intentions the entire time regardless...
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 20
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:45:07 PM
Didn't I say that??
You are assuming that I just assumed he was my boyfriend. He told my cousins he loved me. We talked about it many times. He practically lived at my house, we had a lot of conversations.
I am not an idiot. Really.. I cared about this person. He made me laugh, he made me feel loved and wanted. I miss him still now. I feel bad.
NO, I didn't just assume he was my boyfriend. Now what difference does it make. I am mud to him now.
And just to be clear it was his family we spent time with. His parents, his kids and even his exwife.
He was my Valentine and I was his
What else do you want to know?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:51:03 PM
I really don't care that you snooped, you did so because you knew things were twisted to make you look like the problem. Sure, you didn't trust him so the whole thing was a bust anyway, but you looked and you found what you didn't want to find but knew was there. There's no going back, you now know that he lies and chests and thinks you don't deserve better from him. That's bad enough but what really sets me off is when they think I'm so stupid, so needy, so desperate that I will believe more lies and blame other women and myself instead of the man treating me like shyte.

I move on, in cases like this,, no fight, no big talk, time for all that is over and I don't date lying cheats. I walk away, no contact, no talking about it, no blame bashed around, I know what I know, I'm not having that conversation with a jackazz.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 22
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:52:45 PM
I don't think it's fair to say I was assuming when I was asking you.



We talked about it many times.


Talked about what many times?



NO, I didn't just assume he was my boyfriend. Now what difference does it make.


Now none I guess. But it did then. If you were not in a committed relationship with him then it was wrong to of looked at his phone the first time. He was allowed to date other women, and you other men, if that was in fact the case.

I am not out to get you or prove myself better here. Was just asking so I could give the best perspective.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 23
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 10:16:07 PM
There is definitely not enough transparency in relationships anymore. Some people confuse privacy with secrecy. Since it doesn't sound like a one time thing (his behavior), it becomes a behavioral issue and would be up to him to acknowledge and correct. I don't completely justify your actions, but the end result was this came to the surface faster. I chalk it up to acting in the moment emotionally. Also, going to church is no guarantee of being moral.
 thelastlittleunicorn
Joined: 5/23/2011
Msg: 24
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 10:19:13 PM
Sweetheart i think you just followed your gut feeling and proved to yourself what you had known all along. That man was SCUM!!!! Trust me no matter what you would of done he would of been the same cheating ***hole!!!! If you are seriously dating someone then they shouldn't be on a dating site period it takes all of 10 mins to recreate a new profile so its no excuse! Feel empowered you did the right thing!!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 10:21:01 PM
My vote goes to B. You are a bad and evil person. It's one thing to snoop on his phone. It's another thing to seek revenge and do it by involving other people-possibly someone who is innocent who might not know he was with someone else or didn't know if it was an exclusive relationship. I can't imagine him telling girls he's flirting with that he's exclusive with someone else (you).

And then you have the nerve to post:
"I didn't get other people involved he did. "
Bullshorts. YOU got other people involved by texting them pretending to be him, and kept this charade going to punish them as well. You are an evil person and I pity the next guy you hook up with. Does the church you attend every week teach you to seek out revenge and hurt people when you get mad at someone? I hope the next guy you hook up with has an old fashion rotary dial telephone.

As for all of the women here who say "You go girl. You did the right ting". How many women wouldn't mind a guy they are dating to snoop in their phone to see if they are cheating?
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