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 sammytomjohn
Joined: 6/11/2010
Msg: 1
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being hurt alot and self confidence Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
the last 2 relationships have just been hurtful ones, i mean its the only 2 relationships i've been in, in the last ten years and never cheated, my ex was just getting paralatic drunk and bein verbally abusive all the time trying to play mind games and i've been on my own for the last 2 years and have full custody of my 3 year old boy, he hasnt seen her since! i spend 24/7 with my boy so not much time to try socialisin anyway ( i dont drink very often at all, only ever socially very rarely) im just so fed up of meetin new people and not havin it in me to talk to them, i cant help it im a very neutral calm shy person and do enjoy a tranquill enviroment and on top of that its hard to talk to people when they dont seem interested, i'm not the hottest bloke on the planet but im not exactly shrek, i been on my own for 2 years and just cant understand why i cant find sum1 who actually likes me when there are people out there who are horrible to their partners, just wanna be loved and feel wanted thats all! x what do i do! depressions killin me at the mo! doctor wont even let me work if i wanted to(told me last week) so cant even be ambitious, just so fed up with everything, think im havin a breakdown at the age of 30 sheeeeesh, but at the end of the day i still make sure my boy is well looked after, gotta get passed this phase in my life my boy needs me!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 3:46:03 PM
We make a choice of who we date, live with, marry, have kids with, so it's all about why did we pick that awful person. I know full well that my mistakes with men were about my choices, none of them forced me to be with them. So instead of going on about how horrible the men have been to me, I got professional help and stopped being with those kind of people. It's amazing how responsible we can be when we stop behaving like others control our lives.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 3
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 3:46:03 PM

doctor wont even let me work if i wanted to(told me last week)


I wouldnt even listen to the man. I would find a new doctor. Yours seems to want you as a steady stream of anti depressant dispensing, or whatever pills he wants you on, whether or not it hurts you or not.


but at the end of the day i still make sure my boy is well looked after, gotta get passed this phase in my life my boy needs me!


So your rant was a phase; and you have your sh*t and your priorities together.



Good man.

Try events and places that focus on kiddos buddy; you may just end up gellin with a singole mommy there who likes you for exactly what you are.

We all have pains my friend; just rise above them and keep your eyes on whats important
 sammytomjohn
Joined: 6/11/2010
Msg: 4
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 3:51:26 PM
cheers for advice man! dont think kiddo events help tho, people just assume that u have a partner all the time, i am tryin to rise above it all but it just seems people are puttin me down all the time and every gate i try openin is always locked!
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 5
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 3:53:31 PM

but at the end of the day i still make sure my boy is well looked after, gotta get passed this phase in my life my boy needs me!


Start by getting your babies picture off a dating site.

Others have it worse.

I would love to hug my son right now and not have time to be typing this .
Go hug your kid.
 sammytomjohn
Joined: 6/11/2010
Msg: 6
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 3:57:46 PM
to whoever voted this thread a pity thread! think 1st its not a pity thread, its a serious enough thread asking what do i do with myself? i got no sense of direction at the moment, dont want people to feel sorry for me just dont know what to do and i've lost my self confidence!
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 7
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:26:07 PM
daynadaze,
that a real talk you chat about. We all have to realize and take into account our own choices and actions in life and be held accountable to them good or bad, consequences or blessings.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 8
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:42:05 PM
i voted not to delete this thread. the forum folks can offer up some good advice and tough love to this guy!

i agree with what has been thus far. part of you needs to stop blaming others for your plight. you are in control of your life, but only if you choose to be. stop thinking so negatively. i can imagine that you have joyous moments with your son. focus on those in place of the negative thoughts. carve out a piece of your life for yourself. after the baby is in bed, read some self help books, think about who you are now, who you want to become. a woman in your life is not the answer to all your issues, in fact it could complicate or add another layer of hurt and pain if it didn't work out. you are looking for someone to save you, it doesn't work that way.

i would say get professional help but it appears you are doing that. but medication alone is not enough, you must work on changing your perceptions of life and how you fit into it.

you have a responsibility to yourself and your son to be the better person. good for you taking care of your son. i know it is hard. who cares if all the mommys at playdates think you have a partner, it gets you out of the house and with people to chat and share with.
and please, if this is not a self pity thread, stop saying that whatever advice is offered will not work. make a list of what is said and take some time to read it and give it a chance. the little things we do daily to make changes in our lives are what makes us able to crawl out of the hole we sometimes end up in.

good luck to you and your son,
kaylee
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 9
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:55:27 PM
Join a support group. Get out of the house each and every day. Walk the kid. Take him to the playground. Visit the public library. Read. Read to the kid.Keep moving. Get your mind off yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've got all you arms and legs. Use them.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 5:06:48 PM
Get a new Dr. and a job, a man without purpose is not much of a man.
Your son's life cannot be all about you and how much pain and loneliness you feel. Grow up, no one owes you a relationship. Half the people out there are not in a relationship, why should you automatically get one.
You have to work at being healthy. What woman wants to date a guy that cannot even get up and go to work because he feels so sorry for himself???? Quit smoking, and spend the money on a therapist or getting to a support group.
There is no excuse to lock yourself up in the house all day. The last thing a child needs is a drunk for a mother and a suicidally depressed Dad. What chance do you think he has in life being around your problems 24/7.
If you are too depressed to work you sure as hell are in no position to be raising a child. GET HELP
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 11
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 5:16:55 PM
Honestly, you sound a little OFF.........but what you do for your boy is what MOMS do all the time for their children and yes I mean more than one. Is it easy?? Noooo not by a long shot. Read your profile and it sounds depressing quite frankly. You need a better prospective on life and enjoy what you have, even though life is hard. Concentrate on taking care of your child and when time permits you can try to meet new people but you have to get out of your shell to do it and be more possitive.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 12
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 5:24:25 PM

i been on my own for 2 years and just cant understand why i cant find sum1 who actually likes me


There is nothing wrong with being a calm person that enjoys a tranquil environment. The problem is how are the girls that enjoy the same ever going to know about you if you are too shy. Shyness is the issue here.

The cause of your shyness seems to be the depression > low self image. So treat the depression first and foremost. On an SSRI or another med? What about the gym or a rigorous workout routine? Would you entertain joining a MMA club? You need to tackle your self-esteem from as many angles as you can, then the shyness will be a simple matter of a few practice runs!

 azul14
Joined: 11/26/2010
Msg: 13
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 5:37:30 PM
You need a purpose. You have a precious son, and now you need to become the father he can look up to. I think you need to get healthy physically and mentally.

My advice would be start exercising, put your little boy in a stroller (pram) and walk a few miles every day. Talk to him as you go or sing or something. Really you live in a beautiful place, (I was there this summer - so know). enjoy and make the most of what you have. Get your body fit and healthy, and then your mind will follow.

Sitting around waiting for something or someone is not going to happen.

good luck.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 14
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:19:15 PM
Sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself
BEFORE you bring anyone else into the equation.

Sammytomjohn ...

You are not in any position to date at the moment.
You are in a depression
Your doctor does not want you to work

So ... find out what you can do to make things work better for you.
Are you in any type of therapy?
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 15
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:20:45 PM
OP
Stop blaming others for what your going through.
Get yourself a new doctor, because it does sound like
you need extensive therapy for your depression.
Don't blame others for assuming you have a partner when you won't talk to them and tell them different.
And yes, sitting around WAITING for something to happen isn't going to make it happen.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 16
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:48:16 PM
I could not read your long question. I am repling to your titled question.
My past relatioships are all ended. I have complete confidence in knowing, I am very beautiful and very intellgent and I am still living in HELL. Astrologically, I realize I have very extremely bad luck.
In answer to your titled question. The important fact, I want to state, is " being hurt alot" should not let you lose confidence in your self. You know yourself better than the morons who have hurt you. At present, men have not noticed what a good person you might be, my problem too. It is "morons" who do not have insight or intelligence to see that you are worthwhile person, worthwhile of love.
Continue to search as I do. Do not lose confidence.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 17
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 8:31:31 PM
You want self confidence?

Here you go; out of billions of guys on the planet one woman chose you to make a baby with, to procreate. She didn't choose me. She didn't choose Shrek or the hottest guy on the planet. At least one woman on this planet thought well enough of you, or at least not bad enough of you, to carry your child, your seed, your DNA future to term.

If that didn't help? Think of your kid. Kids learn by who you are, not really from what you say.
How you behave in your life is going to be presented to your kid indirectly and directly.
Even such a minor thing as how to date, how to talk to people, how to approach strangers.

You have no confidence? You don't value risk, change, preferring calm tranquility? Guess what you are teaching your kid. That those are qualities that are going to get him through life. And if they don't work for him, he is going to come to resent you.
So basically, that's what you are doing. You are either showing your kid how to be, or you are showing him who not to be and not respect because of it.

Look at these forums. Ultimately almost every single personal response is either
"You should do it this way, because I think it's the right way and I do it, and because I do it, it's good."
Or
"You shouldn't do it that way, because I don't think it's the right way to do it, and because I don't do it (although maybe I did it in the past so learned), it's not good."
 dwarlord
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 18
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/2/2011 8:37:35 PM
Sammy,
Being down on yourself is something we all have been every now and then. Take a seat and think things over very carefully.
You are the only person that can pull yourself out of this without help. Find a hobby (fishing maybe I am sure you son would have fun also with you). Get in touch with some single parent groups in your area.

This may sound cliche, but go to church or where people congregate, maybe football games at school. Take time to enjoy the things you missed when you were married and couldn't do. Get a dog or pet, they help also regardless of what others say.

The right lady is out there it just takes time. You have to enjoy your life before someone else can enjoy it with you. Besides if you really have to have a woman and you cannot wait then you know how.

Friends help also. Go make time to make some.
 missprisee
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 19
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 5:57:34 AM
You need to sort YOU out!

You are looking for a relationship to give you 'self worth' and no relationship will ever do that.

Hope onto yahoo answers and look up 'What is insight' and see if you can work that around yourself. It's going to take months of self reflection but you will get there. You might pick something this week and shrug your shoulders and in two months it will hit you between the eyes! Trust me, it works.

Get off the drugs - that prescription ones, they won't help you, they only mask your ability to self resolve. Give up alcohol totally, with anti-D's and alcohol you are only kidding yourself. Even if social. There is Fruit Juice to help you up your 5 a day, and that will help your brain function, give you glucose to burn as you think about self reflection and keep topping it up cause you are gonna need it!

You have a little boy. What more do you need Devote yourself to him, trust me they grow up too fast and can be taken away before you even get a chance to say goodbye. I've not seen my children in a year and I never got to say goodbye, I never even got to say 'here's to the future, whenever that comes'

You are letting the depression grow in you because you are creating self fulfilling statements about yourself. Let it all go. You can't work because you are focused on finding excuses not to do things and be distracted. It's easy, I've been kinda doing it for five months. Although at the same time I've written 2 books, started a band and working on a media campaign. But those are my distractions.

Stop looking for a relationship so desperately. It's not going to happen and you will settle on the lowest common denominator rather than the highest pinnacle of happiness.

I could talk to you for hours, but I only have minutes. Wishing you the best. You can and will pull through this if you choose to, no one else, no drug, no alcohol, no date, no child, no job ... will.
 CarKam1
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 20
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 11:32:09 AM
In a way I believe I could sympathize with your frame of mind. My ex-husband is co-dependant and feels that if he does not have a partner then there is something lacking within him. It's just the way he is and he has come to accept that not as a weakness but just how he is wired.

I too have my Son full time and know how it can be to get into that frame of mind that there is no hope and so on and so forth. To the point where the little things in life seem to be over whelming and intimidating, to the point that everything around you becomes a blur and you just want to shut down and not deal.

Here is the thing, nobody can get you out of that frame of mind except yourself. Nobody and Nothing. Drugs only mask symptoms and only temporarily and therapy is great for off-loading what is going on in your mind however if you do not have the mental strength to follow up on the actions dictated by your therapist then you are more or less wasting your time.

"One day at a time" is the best advice anyone ever gave me. One day I woke up and I was tired of barely living and decided that enough was enough (and I was single for 7 years after my failed marriage). I had to force myself to laugh and smile when I really didn't want to. I had to force myself to continue being goofy with my Son when really all I wanted to do was sit on my couch and stare at a wall. I had to force myself to actually answer the phone and have a conversation with whoever was calling. And then I had to force myself to accept invitations. In forcing myself to do these things my laughter became genuine, I hung up the phone wishing the conversation didn't have to end and I laughed so hard at my friends outings that my cheeks hurt. I slowly became the person I used to be and everyone loved. Once I had to stop forcing myself to do these things I was only then ready to get out into the dating world.

Negativity is like a virus that nobody wants to catch. If you are negative in the way you project yourself in this world then people will avoid you like you are the flu virus. Positivity is an addictive drug that is not only good for your health but something that everybody craves. You need to break that negative cycle you are stuck on and force yourself to find the positive in life. Every morning when you wake up you need to think of everything that is positive in your life and then focus on those. If you come across a negative situation then you need to find out what could be positive within it whether it is a lesson learned or a new way to view something. Look back at negative situations in the past and ask yourself if anything positive came of it either at the time or down the road. Positive, Positive, Positive.

Get out with your child and join a group that is geared towards single parents, there are lots of them out there. Wake up each morning and put on your favorite comedy skit, just to start your day with a smile. Once you get through this and return to your old self, then you will be ready for a partner.

I wish you Peace, strength and courage.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 21
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 12:11:41 PM

Join a support group. Get out of the house each and every day. Walk the kid. Take him to the playground. Visit the public library. Read. Read to the kid.Keep moving. Get your mind off yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've got all you arms and legs. Use them.

Yep.

And note the "stop feeling sorry for yourself".
You said you don't want pity .. but YOU are giving yourself a fine pity party, day in and day out.

Get outside OFTEN. That's important advice.
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 22
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 12:45:13 PM
^^yes, and try and find a job. Anything - to bring in money, to help you socialise, to get you out of the house.
Your little boy needs a happy dad. Do it for him.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 23
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being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 3:02:43 PM
I have been a single dad and it is never easy.
You will feel like you never have enuff money,
or enuff time.
and you will feel like you are not good enuff for the task.

That is all normal.

Do the best you can.
Your kids will turn out OK if you do.

That is a separate issue from dating.
As for that....
You are quite the prize to a single mom in similar circumstances.
Or single women in general if you can toughen up abit.

Bad past relationships do not ruin us.
Only if we dwell on em.

Take your kids to parks or McDonalds(with the play gyms).
You will meet plenty of single women with kids there.
If you are personable, friendly, and outgoing.....
they will swarm you like bees on honey.
Cus a man openly caring for his kids melts most female hearts.
So dress nice and your kids too.

Good luck.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 24
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 4:03:57 PM
My personal advice is to grow a pair. Just man up and do what needs to be done. Don't worry about having a relationship now. Sorry if that sounds mean, but dude, you come across as a passive-aggressive door mat kind of a guy. Just stop with the self pity. People will not want to be around you if this is what they have to put up with.
 tj_0142
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 25
being hurt alot and self confidence
Posted: 10/3/2011 4:31:28 PM
Buds, What do you offer someone in your state of mind?
Bro, that little one needs you to think of him first, so, as others said, get a different doctor. Get a job, what are you going to use to take someone out.

I suggest you write your own list of priorities, are you trying to find someone to help raise your son and give you a break.

You probally are a good guy, down n out and depressed doesn't present a good catch.

So set those priorities, set a small goal and reach for it, complete it.

good luck, may positive karma be with your child, he seems to need it.
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