| | Men With Kids Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | OK I am curious why do some men who have kids want to date a woman who doesn't. Dont you feel that is a little unfair to the woman. I have my own opinions on this but I'm curious what others think as in my opinion I dont tend to find men with kids sexy or appealing as its too much baggage for me and most men who have kids dont want anymore kids anyway and i'm always being told the kid is their world which is also unfair if the lady (like me) who due to circustances (my ex husband didnt want any) never got the chance. Please dont be mean but I'd love other women and mens opinions on this hot bed topic. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 10:42:27 AM | I'll give it 15 minutes until one of the forum polizei appear
***
Maybe the bloke likes the woman and thinks I'd like to date her?
It seems a bit silly that someone with kids, would/should only want to date someone else who also had kids.
I can imagine that some of them would prefer to date someone in the same boat, but I don't think that's a particularly common stance. Nor do I think that someone with kids, should be limited as to who they want to date
How on earth is it unfair to the person who doesn't have kids? If you don't want to date someone with kids, then just don't date them ... it's not rocket science.
Plus the person with no kids, usually has a far bigger pool of people to choose from, than someone who does have sprogs.
***
I wouldn't necessarily be put off by a woman having kids, but I'd steer well clear of one who said that her kids were her world. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 10:44:20 AM |
OK I am curious why do some men who have kids want to date a woman who doesn't. Dont you feel that is a little unfair to the woman
No i dont feel its unfair , its the mans choice , he may not want to be responsible for any more children , theres also women who have children who only want to date men who dont want kids , i for one will only date men who dont want any kids , as i cant have anymore children ,and i also wont date men with kids .. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 10:50:19 AM | No isues dateing a man with kids . But if hes a shit father id be disgusted ,
Id never ever expect to be put above children EVER im secure enouth a person to no that children need there parents . Bring on a man with kids but if he aint a father id be telling him to get his ass in gear .
Do i expect to come before his children no never there his blood , id be his partner . he would get my full support as his partner id want him to be happy . so plenty bonding time with kids .
I donot see a child or children as bagage there his kids .
Why is it unfair for a man to say his flesh and blood is his world . Sorry op i just do not get that cause they should be ,I was infact my fathers world . nothing in this earth can break that bond ever . | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 11:03:42 AM | | The answer that comes first to my mind is: while most single men who have kids don't usually have them living with them, in most womens cases the kids live at home with mum. Does make a difference don't you think? They perhaps don't want to be around someone elses kids more than their own either? | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 11:43:31 AM | Can't speak for the men but I can speak for myself (lone parent, female).
I have children. I didn't plan on being a lone parent but that's how it ended. My children have no contact with the man whose sperm made them (I refuse to give him the title of 'father'). My children are my world and they come first - before me and before anybody else and no, I don't think that's being unfair to a man who doesn't have children.
My children were here before he was, and they are children - their needs can only be met by me until they are grown - a man is an adult and is more than capable of fending for himself. I'm upfront that I have children from the beginning; if he can't deal with dating a woman with children, fair enough - he's welcome to move along. I wouldn't want to be with someone anyway who seriously thought it was unfair that I put the needs or a child before the needs of an adult or who felt I was being unfair because they never got the chance to have children because an ex partner did not want any. That's a choice that was made before they looked at me and one which I played no part in, so if they thought I was being unfair simply by having children before I met them - I'd run. Fast.
Someone actually said to me of the last man I had a relationship with that I was lucky to have him in my life because of the children and that not many men would want that. My response was that he was the lucky one, to have the opportunity to know my children, and to have my complete trust in being involved in their lives. It takes a hell of a lot to trust someone else with your children, particularly when that person has none of their own. It's a privelage - I wouldn't introduce just any man to my children or allow him to be involved in their lives. | |
|
zendy
| | Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 7 | |
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 11:48:11 AM |
i'm always being told the kid is their world
Which is another way for single parents to say
"I dont have a life outside my kids so be warned of the misery you're about to enter" | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:02:27 PM | | From experience, I'll only date women with kids if they have 2 tops and the dad is involved. taking on 3+ kids is just too hard and if the dad isnt involved you get little chance to spend time together. I know it's not fair on the women but I want to be able to spend time away from their kids and have a night to ourselves at least once a week. Might sound harsh but just being realistic. No involvement with the kids dad is a big deal breaker for me. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:09:57 PM |
while most single men who have kids don't usually have them living with them, in most womens cases the kids live at home with mum. Does make a difference don't you think? They perhaps don't want to be around someone elses kids more than their own either?
I reckon you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there roxy. The vast majority of men who have kids don't have them in the same way the vast majority of women who have kids do i.e 24/7
I have mine 2 weekends a month which leaves me @26 nights a month to do whatever the hell i want and i'm not so inclined to want to be spending it with someone eles kids if i'm going to be 100% honest, never say never but i think for me it's very unlikely....been there done that. To some people that may seem selfish but i just know what does and doesn't work for me. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:42:20 PM | | I have nothing against kiddies in fact most who see me with kids say im great with them and as i do/did want to be a mother I feel its unfair if a man wants to persue a relationship with me to deny me of the one thing i wanted more than anything that was what i was driving at and wanted peoples opinions on as for the kids coming first of course they should it shows responsibility and love which is always a good thing, selfish I am not, not a fan of baby mama drama I am as I am very strong minded and women as we all know can be very very scary (sometimes) | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:45:25 PM | unless the bloke has told you that he doesn't want more kids, then how exactly is he depriving you of that chance
plus it's still not unfair of him to want to date you. if you don't think he'll give you a kid, then just say no to his offer of a date (although to be fair, that's looking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far ahead for my liking) | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:50:33 PM |
I have nothing against kiddies in fact most who see me with kids say im great with them and as i do/did want to be a mother I feel its unfair if a man wants to persue a relationship with me to deny me of the one thing i wanted more than anything that was what i was driving at
Simple solution dont date men who dont want anymore kids , date the ones who do .. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:51:41 PM | LUISIPHER i hear what your saying but if this women wants kids shes going to run out of time eventully ,
Once she hits 40 the clock starts ticking fast ,
Your still young enouth op i hope one day you do hold your own baby with a partner you love .
| |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:59:21 PM | @msg 13
So?
How does that make it unfair, for a bloke with kids to want to date her?
If the bloke doesn't want kids, then don't get involved ... and even if he does want kids, that doesn't mean there's any guarantee that they're going to end up having one.
If it's something that's so important to a woman, then maybe she (whoever she is ... not just the OP) should put it on their profile - and I don't mean that little section that asks if you want kids in the future .... I mean state clearly on your profile, that you're not interested in blokes who at some point wouldn't want to possibly have children with them in the future.
Then everybody knows where they stand. | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 1:26:16 PM | | Hay i was only saying keep your hair on luisipher .Im agreeing just saying women dont have forever | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 1:36:20 PM | I'm kind of confused how this would be "unfair"
Surely when two people date they kind of "choose" to date each other
I think its kind of passed now when women didnt really have much say in the matter so if a woman didnt want to date a bloke with kids she just wouldnt
TBH, I kind of have a niggly suspicion you've recently dated a bloke with kids, it didnt go how you wanted it to and this thread is the end result
But then I'm just a big fluffy cynic lol
Either that or its a thread to try adn catch people out who might have posted a different answer to what they post here on a thread about women with kids maybe?
But if I had to bet then from the way the header is written I'd put my money on the first scenario personally
Objectively ANYBODY can choose to date or not to date anyone they dont want to for absolutely any reason whatsoever
Surely your options are date men with no kids, or ones that rarely see them, hardly a difficult thing to find according to feminists and the media it would appear
Thats likely to be FAR more productive than trying to guilt trip the rest of them into abandoning their kids so its "fairer" for a "lady" like you I'd expect
Plus it wouldnt be any more or less selfish for women with kids to date men who dont have them either, so the fact this is gender specific considering how few men DO infact have kids more than just occassionally also seems a bit " y" | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 1:53:12 PM |
OK I am curious why do some men who have kids want to date a woman who doesn't. Dont you feel that is a little unfair to the woman
i don't see why that is unfair,it's his preference as is liking muscly men hairy men bald men etc
if he doesn't want more kids it should probably be discussed when the dating is looking at becoming something more substantial so the lady can make a decision as to wether she wants children more than him
everyone has baggage,be it children debts mortgages behaviours they project onto others due to how others have treated them in the past etc etc,just make sure their cases have good wheels
as for the kids being your world thing
as you can love moore than one child equally you should your parnter and your kids regardless of wether they are the childrens other parent and priorities should be on that basis as a daily thing not one person[s] over another | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 2:00:10 PM |
Which is another way for single parents to say
"I dont have a life outside my kids so be warned of the misery you're about to enter"
I feel its unfair if a man wants to persue a relationship with me to deny me of the one thing i wanted more than anything
Then don't date those men.
It won't always be the lack of kids on your part that stops them from wanting to date you.
(In what way is this thread polarized?????) | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 2:02:28 PM |
Then don't date those men.
that's a bit logical isn't it? | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 2:28:26 PM | | ok well i was just asking as get asked out by men with kids, not dated any as yet. I have nieces and nephews and as for the crack about other reasons for them not wanting to date me fair point but no need for the veiled nastiness mate ! I'm not being nasty and not putting down people with kids, treat others as you want to be treated! | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 2:41:51 PM | I don't understand why you're asking though .... especially the unfair bit - which just makes no sense at all :(
It just seems pretty obvious, that a bloke thinks you look/seem alright and he's shown some interest in you .... what is weird about that? and why would him having kids make any difference to that?
***
The whole problem with that treat others as you want to be treated phrase, is that it assumes that everyone wants to be treated "nicely" ... what about those people who are fine with being treated in quite an abrupt and blunt fashion, or who actually prefer it? | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 3:15:53 PM | I'm sure you'll just think I'm being "nasty" here but having read your other posts some bits kind of leapt out of the screen (figuratively speaking of course as its not one of the new fangled 3D monitors or owt
But I'll break this post into different points as I think its clearer like that as some bits do look like classic examples of biphrased narratives
This
I have nothing against kiddies in fact most who see me with kids say im great with them and as i do/did want to be a mother
then this
I feel its unfair if a man wants to persue a relationship with me to deny me of the one thing i wanted more than anything
Bearing in mind youre talking about strangers you niether know nor have met, and yet you transfer onto them that they are "denying" you the ability to have a child??
Then this
I dont tend to find men with kids sexy or appealing as its too much baggage for me
With this
and most men who have kids dont want anymore kids anyway
So you dont find them sexy, cool no probs,,,,,BUT they dont want more kids??? If theyre not sexy so what?
But then theres this
and i'm always being told the kid is their world which is also unfair if the lady (like me) who due to circustances (my ex husband didnt want any) never got the chance.
Biphrasing is where someone has something thats a deprooted problem of some sort, regret, anger whatever
But overlaying that they have a conscious cognitive narrative they espouse on the subject when it crops up
But often the real underlying thoughts and feelings that wouldnt tend to be socially acceptable will kind of piggy back onto the socially acceptable narrative giving the appearance of almost being two entirely different viewpoints being jumbled up and spoken together
It comes across like this, and bear in mind that is only my own view based on whats written and its not like you even have to respond to this anyway
All I would ask though is to take a deep breath, and just read what follows calmly. Let it sink in for a moment and think about it before trying to respond either in an actual response or just swearing at the monitor lol
but what I am seeing here is the social narrative of
"Men with kids dont appeal to me, they have loads of baggage and will always put their kids before me which I dont think is fair"
The real and more valid emotions here though would read something along the lines of
"I feel like by either bad choices and/or accomodating my partners wishes I missed out on having a child of my own and have a very deep and real regret for that. Deep down I really more than anything wanted and wished for a child of my own and that feeling is still very strong and dear to me and I feel I should have had or taken that chance when I could and have been living with those feelings for years
When I think of dating a man with kids I feel like they would be almost rubbing the fact they DID make that choice in my face even though consciously I know that isnt true. And that no matter how great them or their kids would be it would probably tear me apart inside being around that kind of a bond and reminding me I have never had it and if they dont want any more kids might never have it with a child of my own"
The reason people biphrase is that social conventions and things that are to varying degrees out of our control mean we often suppress perfectly valid and reasonable feelings but they dont just vanish, when its a feeling related to a core need or value system it tends to grow and fester whether we are aware of it or not. and over time can sort of "leak" from the subconcious whenever subject close to the "thing" crops up without us either really noticing it ourselves or being able to stop it
As much as some people will tend to see biphrasing as being a bit shitzo, it only tends to happen with very deeply rooted and base level feelings and emotions and with a topic like this one very valid ones too the stiffling or denial of which would be far more negative than embracing and owning them would be if that makes sense
Anyhoo, you can spit acid at me now assuming you hadnt started ages before this bit
(PS, just on the offchance that I was right, then apologies if I made you cry x) | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 3:26:22 PM | OP Said " I feel its unfair if a man wants to persue a relationship with me to deny me of the one thing i wanted "
And yet on her profile it says
" I am not looking for a man to validate my life but somebody to spend time with would be peachy"
CONFUSED.COM  | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 3:32:45 PM | | no you are spot on one of the things i pride myself on is admitting when somebody is right and admitting my flaws and faults and you hit it spot on hence why im only looking for friendship now nothing more as these are my issues and will not project them onto other people and yes im angry i had my chance its gone i will learn to live with it my pain is fresh and like any grieving its a process that will take time that is a given but unless i keep pushing foward i will end up living in the past. So yes you were right I will admit that and its not in my nature to "spit acid" as you put it im an educated, sophisticated and well rounded person who actually believes two people can get along and be friends but have differences of opinions dont mean to say we always have to agree and fall out over it now does it! | |
|
| Men With Kids
Posted: 10/5/2011 3:37:26 PM | Well to be fair if I had been right "spitting acid" would also have been a fairly common response
Do kind of apologise for expanding on what I thought I could see so fully in public though, I had tried to mail it to you privately incase I was close but your mail options meant I couldnt
And tbh I was a bit slow, I should really have picked up on it from the header, but watching the simpsons whilst browsing the forums isnt a good mix lol, so I didnt notice it till I saw the second post (I'm blond and curse with the male total lack of any form of emotional insight too obviously which doesnt help haha) | |
|
Home
login 
