|Being vulnerablePage 1 of 1 |
|I feel vulnerable when I first meet someone. I hope that this is true for others. After a long relationship, being "out there" for the first time is hard. I thought I was fair in my judgements of what is a good date. I met someone who didn't really have time to date and he texted me constantly. Then the phone calls late into the evening. I got "hooked" and he then proceeded to ask me over. That went over like beans on a fire. I do not want to see him any longer. How do I do this? I left my music and wine at his house. Now what?|
Posted: 10/7/2011 8:42:41 AM
|Just be honest with him and nicely tell him that you just didn't feel a romantic connection. I'd forget about getting the music or wine back though...|
Posted: 10/7/2011 8:43:22 AM
|I am not sure what the question is? Are you asking how to end it? That is easy. You call him or when he calls you, you tell him you dont think you are a good match and wish him luck.|
Posted: 10/7/2011 9:10:26 AM
I feel vulnerable when I first meet someone.
I have no idea what that means. Vulnerable how?
I thought I was fair in my judgements of what is a good date.
What you think is fair may be completely different than what another person thinks is fair. Instead of trying to be ``fair'' and wondering why someone isn't going along with you, just be clear about what you want and walk away if you aren't getting that. What's fair will be finding someone who is willing to give you what's realistic to expect.
I do not want to see him any longer. How do I do this? I left my music and wine at his house. Now what?
Well, you have several options:
(1) Decide to see him long enough to get your wine and music back;
(2) Forget about getting your wine and music back; or
(3) Pass notes to friends like kids do in high school and make arrangements to carefully avoid seeing each other.
Posted: 10/7/2011 9:20:03 AM
|Cant quite see what vulnerability really has to do with this other than a means to try and shift blame in a situation that is pretty much blame free anyway|
You might as well have said "I'm emotional and I cry a lot so please feel sorry for me" too which would have been equally irrelevant to the situation or the question
Basically you thought you "might" like someone based on barely knowing them as you got to know them more you figured out they werent really a serious prospect
Thats what will tend to happen MOST of the time and is a pretty normal everyday aspect of dating
It doesnt have anything to do with being vulnerable or anything else like that, its simply because nobody can either read minds or magically see into the future so its mostly based on guess work and will therefore not majoratively work out how you want unless youre a bit desperate and prepared to put up with practically anyone
As for ending it and getting your stuff back just do what you feel comfortable with
Either text him its over and ask if you can have your stuff posted/delivered/collected or whatever
Phone him and do the same or arrange to pop over, tell him and ask for your stuff there and then
Thats purely upto you
Posted: 10/7/2011 9:23:25 AM
he then proceeded to ask me over. That went over like beans on a fire. I do not want to see him any longer. How do I do this? I left my music and wine at his house
Soo, tell us what happened? He tried to chase you around the coffee table and you left?
Ask him politely for your stuff back, if he refuses you can have a friend go with you to get them, or ask for a local PD officer to accompany you if you are serious enough about it. S
Posted: 10/7/2011 9:59:06 AM
|maybe the op feels ill equipped to make good decisions about dating, intimacy, right now. that may make her feel vulnerable.|
yes, you did not see or want to see that
someone who does not have time to date
texts and late night phone calls were his substitute for really doing the things to get you into his life on his terms. so, you fell for it, for whatever reasons (which are yours, not his). he asked you over, you went, you brought the music and the wine!
you figured it all out when you got there, not sure what took place, but it doesn't matter at this point. be glad you figured it all out and have cut it off. learn a lesson from it for the future.
the wine is no longer any good and he probably drank it with his next conquest, and the music will never sound the same associated with that incident.
walk away, learn, and forgive yourself,
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:02:43 AM
|~OP~ Replace the music and the wine. Enjoy those things by yourself until you aren't feeling something such as "vulnerable" early on. Being somewhat of a "closed book" myself, I find vulnerability not only difficult, but something to be "saved" for that one person or the people in my life who have proven to be "tried and true." If you make choices for yourself that leave you feeling empowered, vs vulnerable early on? You'll likely make appropriate choices for your own self. I think often times vulnerability can be a signal to our own selves that we simply are not in a good place to meet/date others. But that's just how it works for me. Good luck to ya. |
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:26:24 AM
|So your first meeting was at his home and you brought wine and music? Pretty harsh way to learn how to meet someone huh? |
It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy of liking someone over messages and phone calls, but in reality it takes meeting them in person to know if there is truly chemistry and attraction. I would suggest you go through older threads by doing searches on first meetings to get the idea of a good, safe way to meet someone who you have found online.
As for your music? I think you know your choices and at this point it is fear that is keeping your from actually making the call and meeting up with him again. If that is the case, then you could text him, arrange a meeting place (a park?) and bring a friend with you. Other than that, you will have to forget the wine & music, take the loss and lesson learned.
I'm not exactly sure what feeling vulnerable is in your case. I will assume it is a safety issue or that maybe you are not ready to date. I would listen to your gut if its telling you to make better decisions. Meeting complete strangers (yes they are strangers even if you have spent hours/days/weeks talking on the phone) at their homes is putting your self in a vulnerable situation..Don't do that!
If you feel vulnerable because you are new to dating for whatever reason, and you may be easily taken advantage of and trusting too easily, then I would suggest you stop until you are confident enough to make good choices.
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:26:59 AM
|Vulnerable can have a lot of meanings, not sure what yours was:|
Vulnerable in emotion so that you get hooked on someone you haven't met?
Vulnerable in judgement so that you blindly trust someone you haven't met?
Vulnerable in safety, so that for a first date, you go to the home of someone you haven't yet met?
With wine and music, no less.
People like you scare the hell out of me, even from a safe distance. Please take better care of yourself in the future.
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:35:46 AM
|Not to be harsh, OP, but I agree with Sweven. I think I'd feel "vulnerable" too if I went to meet a man for a first meet at his house. What on earth were you thinking??! ALWAYS meet in a public place!|
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:42:02 AM
|Lot's of really good advice from the the ladies here OP. |
I see you hav'nt been on POF long, please find out about the basics of online dating, once you have those down you will become more confident and feel less vulnerable.
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:46:36 AM
Not to be harsh, OP, but I agree with Sweven. I think I'd feel "vulnerable" too if I went to meet a man for a first meet at his house. What on earth were you thinking??! ALWAYS meet in a public place!
Not sure I really see the connection there
Its not like the bloke was the cause of the "vulnerability", jeez I bet you'd be a pushover for any woman who can cry at will lol
A lot of people either because theyre a bit emotionally wobbly, have insecurities, unresolved issues or just because they've been overly influenced by the general social scaremongering cant help feeling vulnerable for a variety of reasons all connected to their own psychology and totally unrelated to the people they meet
Chances are the bloke could have been a frigid abstaining recently defrocked monk and she'd have still felt the same
Posted: 10/7/2011 11:23:18 AM
|I think I should've thought over my post before hand. Vulnerable would be having had a failed marriage, that's all. The advice was brilliant and I am just now getting my feet wet. Everyone was right. I have a different standard of what was fair. I have to be careful to no "judge" his reasons for things. If it wasn't a good match. That's just it A BAD MATCH. |
I will tell him when he is available that it's a bad match. Overall, I was happy to meet someone, but he is just not the right one to investigate a relationship with. Thanks for the comments, I am shifting blame and it's not that I don't do that, I was playing the victim here. All is fair in love and war, right?
Posted: 10/7/2011 11:27:44 AM
|Thank you for the post. I wasn't thinking. We had early on planned to go to an Art Walk in the downtown area and he ended up canceling on me. I only went because we had talked a lot. I am naive and I now have better ammunition to do something else.|
Posted: 10/7/2011 11:37:34 AM
|Off topic, but I'm always amazed when people who have been living with a man for years, say they forgot how to date. I can see if you haven't been with a man for years you might have forgotten how to be around one but having been with a man for some years, you already know all about how to be around one, so shouldn't dating be easier? I realize it's a different man now but still, you haven't been out of practice being with a man. Sorry, just thinking out loud. |
Posted: 10/7/2011 11:40:03 AM
|Op, I'm kind of confused here not knowing how long you've been out of your marriage. If your break-up was recent then you need to give yourself time to heal before you get back out in the dating world again. We're all vulnerable to a degree when our past relationships end but don't try to replace your old relationship with a new one right away. |
Wine and music can be replaced. Self-esteem can't and it's up to you to take the time needed to heal from your prior relationship before you jump back into the viper pit called 'dating' nowadays. You'll need anti-venom many times and that's called 'self-esteem.' Please give yourself more time to heal before spending any more money on wine and music for someone else to enjoy.
Posted: 10/7/2011 5:09:06 PM
|Message 9 is correct. You're not only getting back into dating, you are meeting potential dates online. It is easy to get involved with someone you are just emailing or talking to on the phone, but we don't really know anyone until we meet in person. You also have to be cautious, circumspect and somewhat cynical. Someone who says he is too busy to date is definitely suspect. Someone who cancels on you when you arrange to meet is suspect. This guy did both, then made a booty call late at night. You went to his home alone at night, the home of someone you didn't even know. Very dangerous. He may have been as charming as hell over the phone, but could be anything in RL. Ted Bundy was as charming as hell..... |
Read other threads about first meets. Meet them first for coffee. Go out a few times. Don't rush into it and don't go to someone's home or to a non-public place until you know the guy better, and in person. Be cynical about guys who say they are too busy to date and who cancel on you every time you arrange to meet.
Posted: 10/7/2011 5:35:04 PM
I do not want to see him any longer. How do I do this? I left my music and wine at his house. Now what?
You went over to his house, in the evening, with music and wine...and you're not a teenager.....
You want your music back..call/text/go and get it. Bring a friend if you have to go and get it.
I'm not saying you were wrong or right..but, next time..don't go to some guys house, with music and wine, in the evening..and not expect something to happen. I'm just sayin...
Posted: 10/7/2011 5:37:46 PM
|I would have already drank that wine consider it gone |
Posted: 10/8/2011 3:23:40 AM
|Being Vulnerable! You were making yourself vulnerable especially in the way you went to his home late at night the first time you met, that is a definite no no. You can see someone a few times and then you can get lulled into a false sense of security and still be taken advantage of in ways you would never have expected.|
People have said on this thread about things you should do when meeting up with someone you do not know and they have given you good advice. I would also add NEVER get into a car of the person you have never met before. I myself personally did this and i can assure you i was lucky to get away with my life! Lesson learned.
Always meet in a public place and if he suggests buying you a drink, always go to the bar and make sure he doesn't slip a mickey finn into it. You might think this is being over cautious but there are instances where that has been done.
Posted: 10/8/2011 5:50:00 AM
Please give yourself more time to heal before spending any more money on wine and music for someone else to enjoy.
Well said seakytten.
And dazy you make a good point too. Because its not that she dosen't know men. imo, its something else.
As this is the Major crux in most new relationships, dating,meeting talking etc] of restarting again.
Op, you are some how still ,sub consiously holding back, defenses on guard,feel vulnerable, you need more time to heal. imo, Just find a friend you can hang out with with no other agenda.
cuz you will only sabatage any & all new relationships that will make you feel vulnerable.
Yet to get to the other side one must be open to take a hit! And only the brave goes there, in heart & spirit. When your ready, go for it & good luck.
Posted: 10/8/2011 6:33:24 AM
|i know what your saying there hun and there are many women who get put under presure because of this if this person cant get the msg block him off your phone if u cant do that then change your number. Not saying this person is dangerous but for your own safty i wouldnt go back to pick up the wine and music from his house .|
if he still continues to go on txting you when you dont want to see him then you may have to report him. As i know it can be a whole lot of pressure on you
and isnt in any way your falt your that way but one thing i would say is not to go get your stuff from his house as you can replace them things you cant replace your your saftey if something where to happen hun
not telling you what t0 do just stay safe yeah.
Posted: 10/8/2011 6:41:38 AM
|When I first joined POF, I was appalled at the way men "text" rather than call. Texting can be a useful tool at times, of course, and can be flirty and fun. However, a woman wants to be "wooed", and texting all the time and never getting a phone call is somewhat degrading, as if we're not worth a real, bonafied phone call. This is one of my dealbreakers. If a grown man texts like a nine year old with a new Blackberry, he's immature, and you can bet he's texting and sexting all the time with a hundred other women that don't feel "degraded" by this. That's the first big red flag.|
If you are just out of a long term relationship, it's best to not date for a while until such time as you have adjusted to your new life. This takes time, and time is your friend. You will one day realize that you're happy with yourself, happy living alone and being alone. You should spend time with family and friends, go out with the girls, do things you've never done before and always wanted to. When you begin dating too soon, it's much like walking around with an open wound. If it's not healed, infection will set in. Such is the heart when it's wounded. It's vulnerable, just like you said. Trying to get into a relationship too fast will actually prolong your healing. One day you will find yourself right back where you were, because you didn't take time to heal and find "yourself". When you do, you will be ready to compliment your full, well rounded , happy life with a partner; someone to share YOUR life with... not someone to "be" your life.
Food for thought.... we've all been there. I learned this the hard way....