| | Asking a Father's Permission to ProposePage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | Hi everyone! I joined POF a few weeks ago and recently discovered the forums. I’ve really enjoyed reading them, and figured I’d post about an issue I’ve been thinking about recently. I am in my mid-20s, and in the past few months several of my close friends have gotten engaged. Interestingly, they all have very different opinions about their fiancés asking their father’s permission to propose. Some of them feel that it is a gesture of respect, while others think it is offensive because, in a traditional sense, it symbolizes a transfer of ownership from father to fiancé. (Much like when the father “gives” his daughter to her groom.) I can see both sides of this argument and am wondering what you all think. Men, do you think it is still appropriate to ask for a father’s permission to propose? Women, would you want your boyfriend to ask your father’s permission or do you think it is an outdated tradition that is steeped in patriarchy? | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:32:33 AM | Where is your father? I want to ask him a question..
Actually, my opinion is that after those three years that you all have known each other before even considering marriage, and all those shared family gatherings, with all the conversations between your father and your "fiance", they should have that appropriately sorted out by then..
So no formal asking should be necessary.. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:33:13 AM | i'll be interested to read how some mothers of daughters feel about this.
i think it has value as a guy bonding thing. it's a way to relate to a future father-in-law. of course, it could backfire in any of several ways if he says no. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:34:18 AM | Sorry but I would not ask a fathers permission. And it would not matter if she wanted me to or not honestly. I simply do not believe in the custom. It had a time and place. Unfortunately it honestly involved asking the father of a 15 year old to often for his permission. I am not asking the father of a 25 year old woman if I can marry his daughter. It should be her decision alone.
So let me ask you this... your hopelessly in love with a guy. Your 25 years old. You talk him into asking your father if it's OK and daddy says no. How are you going to handle it? Are you going to not marry the guy you love with all your heart because your Dad said no? Your a mature adult woman able to make your own life decisions not a child.
So if your going to marry him anyway WTF was the purpose of making the guy ask him exactly?
Cowboy | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:44:15 AM | It's been an outdated notion steeped in patriarchy since it was first conceived of.
Given that at LEAST half of marriage itself was designed by the same "company," I don't see any reason to care one way or another about people playing little fun games with each other over it. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:01:10 PM | I don't always write tradition off, and its a tough call in this case. I don't know, guess it really depends on what kind of Dowry he could put together for his little girl.
Doesn't Mom have anything to say these days? | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:25:26 PM | | Women are now self sufficient and independent, thus the point of this tradition is not worth undergoing anymore. Furthermore, woman now own property under their own names because of this financial independence which further points to how this tradition isn't worth continuing (eg Dowry was a big reason to ask for permission to marry a daughter). | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:46:29 PM | I found it very interesting in reading this thread....and the one about surnames. On the one hand, the traditional "asking for the daughter's hand in marriage" is a waaaay out-moded way of thinking, what with women self-sufficiency and independence...making this a tradition that isn't worth continuing...
Yet....when the topic of women taking men's last names when they married, "tradition" became VERY important. I guess we can be happy that we are all given the choice of which traditions are vital to us, and which are not. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:53:10 PM | I asked my fiancee's father. Everyone thought that was great.
So if your going to marry him anyway WTF was the purpose of making the guy ask him exactly?
Aside from almost giving my future father-in-law a heart attack by asking him at 6:00 AM while he was trying to get his first cup of coffee, it was a big hit with the future in-laws. I really can't imagine being told no, so why not? | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:04:36 PM | I had a thought.
It happens on occasion!
Since Logo is "non-traditional" when it comes to surnames....wonder how he'd handle asking MY DAD for my hand. Poor dad has had me returned to his fold a number of times already...surely I am in the discount bin by now, as far a dowrys.
The big question would be....would he have to ask Dad? My 3 ex-husbands? My 2 children? Hold a referendum? Take a vote???
Will they all be lined up shouting," WILL SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE TAKE 'ER!!" | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:21:02 PM | Asking the father is a display of respect.
My son in law asked me to marry my daughter (her father had passed away). I thought it was cute, and it made me smile all day. She was 26, they could have gone and get married and tell me 3 days later, for all they care.
Tradition or not, it is a way to show that you value the family's opinion, regardless of whether you are about to abide or do our own thing. It has nothing to do with "transfer of ownership", and a lot to do with showing that you want include relevant people in your life.
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:29:44 PM | A million years ago, a guy asked my father for permission to marry me. My dad didn't like him so he said "I'll think about it''.
He never got an answer. He asked him a couple more times and dad said "I'm still thinking about it''.
Dad was right not to give his permission!  | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:31:41 PM |
CO: I had a thought. It happens on occasion! Since Logo is "non-traditional" when it comes to surnames....wonder how he'd handle asking MY DAD for my hand. Poor dad has had me returned to his fold a number of times already...surely I am in the discount bin by now, as far a dowrys. The big question would be....would he have to ask Dad? My 3 ex-husbands? My 2 children? Hold a referendum? Take a vote??? Will they all be lined up shouting," WILL SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE TAKE 'ER!!" This allows you to quote a previous post. Yeah, I actually asked my ex's father, too. What he said was something along the lines that he would prefer his daughter to be around for the next three years to help take care of him and his wife (he was concerned about my absconding with her back to South Dakota - she's Canadian - a very realistic concern!). What I told my then-love was that he said: "Please, my god, marry her and take her as far and fast away as possible!" She didn't think it was that funny.  | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:38:23 PM |
Tradition or not, it is a way to show that you value the family's opinion, regardless of whether you are about to abide or do our own thing. It has nothing to do with "transfer of ownership", and a lot to do with showing that you want include relevant people in your life. And AGAIN what are the kids going to doo when they get a NO answer? So how much worse is the situation if they just get married versus ask and then be forced to ignore the fact that the father refused to give permission?
I guess it would be one thing if you were real close with the future in laws and knew the answer. Then its cute. Crap I have been with gals that were not even that close to their dad and would never ever in a million years want him involved in the decision.
Sorry I just disagree. I don't particularly care if I have daddy's blessing. Because it does not matter one way or the other. He is not involved in the decision other then reacting hopefully in a positive manner when we inform the parents we are getting married. Maybe this is a LOT different for someone 18 years old. But I wouldn't of done it at 25 or 30 either. Was not a kid anymore then. If I was 25 and had the choice of formally asking her father in order to inherit some big estate I know I would of refused and we would of just made it on our own. I wouldn't of wanted her dads money or his permission. It would be our life and we would make the decisions both good and bad.
Cowboy | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:42:52 PM | | Another factor making it outdated is most couples live together for a while before marrying. How many guys would approach a father, saying: "Do you mind if I shack up with your daughter? I have to test drive her first before I can consider marrying her." Make sure the father doesn't have a shotgun close by. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:18:09 PM | | On the flip side of the coin, for those who think it's a good tradition, do you also think a woman should ask her father for permission to divorce her husband? What happens when a woman wants to divorce and the father says no? | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:20:35 PM | I wouldn't ask anyone's permission to propose to a woman. I'm a fairly traditional and old-fashioned guy, but in today's world that's just absurd.
A few years back I dated a woman and one day, out of the blue, I was informed that if I ever wanted to propose to her (wasn't even thinking of it), I would have to first ask permission from either her mother, her sister (both of whom lived out of state, and I never met them), or her 10-year-old daughter, who suffered from extreme separation anxiety. Run, Forrest, Run!
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:27:56 PM | | There is a compromise that respects tradition yet acknowledges the bride-to-be's autonomy. Ask, preferably both parents, for their blessing. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:43:59 PM | I wish my Dad had been able to stop me the first time.
I think it is very nice to ask for the parent's blessing. But permission? That is out of date. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:54:19 PM | If a young man asked me...I would appreciate it as an attempt on his part to show respect. Secretly...I'd be thinking "are you fvcking kidding me". Neither he nor my daughter would know what I was really thinking. He will be most likely becoming a part of my family and, as such, would treat him with a similar tolerance for doing whacky, corny and sometimes outright stupid things just as they tolerate mine.
The real way to gain favor with me will be in how he treats, loves and respects her. That's what really matters. | |
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| Asking a Father's Permission to Propose
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:59:37 PM |
I wish my Dad had been able to stop me the first time.
Carolann, it DID stop me when Dad said he'd think about it! lol..I went to him and asked him what the hell he was thinking, why didn't he say "yes". And he just looked at me and said "Don't do it". And eventually - a couple of months later - I broke it off.
For a feminist, my dad sure rules. He's a great dad. | |
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