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 LLL1030
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 1
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Help - I am stumpedPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hello Fellow POF'ers,

I would love to get male and female insight into this one. I had a fabulous date last night, and at the end of the date he asked when can I see you again. Turns out we were both free tonight, so he said he would call around noon. We had a nice kiss good night, and that was it. I really liked him. I thought we had a great connection.

Here is the issue/question. I had a profile up on one site, and he wrote me initially there. I wasnt having much luck there other than him, so I pulled my profile down and put it up on a different site. I didnt have my picture up yet on the new site. I had done this last week. No sooner do I get home and check my email, but I had an email from him! He didnt know it was my profile obviously. I was like ugh, did I not leave a good enough impression on him for at least to let the date settle in?

It is kinda a moot point since I didnt hear from him today. But WTF? When I speak to him should I address it? Or get a chuckle and reply to his email?
 WinstonDoubtfire
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:00:03 PM
You're not exclusive. You can both date whomever you want until you do decide you are.

It may not be the initial person you went on a date with. Doesn't mean you didn't have a good time.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:00:09 PM
He said he would call you today around noon and didn't.

As far as I'm concerned, that would settle it.

I wouldn't reply to his email, because that's playing games, and I would not expect to hear from him.

If you do hear from him, I would listen very carefully to what he says about why he didn't call you when he said he would.

I don't think this one will work out for you.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 4
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:03:05 PM

It is kinda a moot point since I didnt hear from him today. But WTF? When I speak to him should I address it? Or get a chuckle and reply to his email?
He had no interest in you after meeting and went back looking. No real mystery here actually.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:10:30 PM
Another way to look at it, if you like, is that he really DOES like what you say in your profile, even if he didn't remember it well enough to recognize it when he read it again.

Minus two points for word pattern recognition, but plus two for finding your description of yourself to be of interest to him.

What I would do in your place, is respond to his interest in the other profile with " So does this mean we ARE on for tonight, as you said on our date?" let him squirm about his inability to read the same profile in different places and recognize it.
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 6
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:18:37 PM
You had ONE date with him, that doesn't mean you two are exclusive!

You don't know this guy from Adam yet. You don't know if he is a whack job, wing nut, married, bi, gay, etc. etc.

Take the time, get to know him more. But you should leave your options open as well.

Good luck!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:38:40 PM
If you want exclusivity as a condition for dating you, make that clear up front. Don't assume it. I made that a condition for dating me and I didn't find any real objection to it. You learned that lesson cheaply, since you didn't sleep with him under the assumption that he wasn't going to be dating/sleeping with someone else. (Actually, you should just assume that dating means having sex by default, since you have no way of knowing anything different, except for yourself. Assume the worst case by default.)

Second, he didn't call when he said he would, so as you say, it's a moot point. Write him off.


When I speak to him should I address it? Or get a chuckle and reply to his email?

Well, if you want to have a little fun and pretend like you're interested and frustrate him for entertainment, go for it. Hell, get a steamy conversation going and then suddenly drop it. However, there's no reason to ever let him know you and the person he thinks he's talking to are the same person.

Take the time, get to know him more.

The fact that he didn't call when he said he would is enough to write him off.
 LLL1030
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 8
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:52:19 PM
I did make it clear upfront what I was looking for, and not into one night stands, etc. Guess he is looking for something different. Whatever. I am only stumped because we were at the restaurant for four hours talking and talking, and laughing. He may have thought the night would end in a home run, and when it didnt, he got right back on line, and didn't call today. That's that.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 9
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:56:00 PM

But WTF?

He was interested you in theory, but not in reality/practicality.


When I speak to him should I address it?

Why not just put your picture up on your other profile.

one thing I don't get though is the

I pulled my profile down and put it up on a different site. ... did I not leave a good enough impression on him for at least to let the date settle in?

Did he not leave a good enough impression on you for at least to let the date settle in before browsing another dating site?
 LLL1030
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 10
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 3:58:01 PM
That is not what happened. I switched sites a week before I met him. One thing had nothing to do with the other.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 11
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 4:01:45 PM
Wow...Not even enough time to let your lips dry..before he's back on there..umph!

Well...Since he didn't call today when you tentatively had a meet set up..speaks volumes. He may have sent several e-mails out last night and got a response and has moved on. Guess...He wasn't feeling it..shrugs.
Regardless...For me...He would be a write off..no call..nothing! Done..rude..No respect.

I think in this circumstanse I may play around a bit for fun.
Ask him things....Like have you ever not followed through on dates etc...
But not too long....then load your picture up..surprise!!!

Sorry hun...Have to kiss a lot of frogs..

 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 4:10:02 PM
I did make it clear upfront what I was looking for, and not into one night stands, etc.

``Not into one night stands'' is a far cry from exclusivity. You need to be specific and say exactly what you mean. If you mean, ``Don't call for a second date unless you aren't going to be meeting or dating anyone else,'' say that.'' Saying that you aren't into one night stands means exactly that and apparently that didn't happen.

He may have thought the night would end in a home run, and when it didnt, he got right back on line, and didn't call today. That's that.

I got right back online after a date, too. The only difference between the women I didn't see again and my fiancee, is that I didn't meet any women after meeting my fiancee. However, I was prepared to meet others had we not dated very long.

Also, your profile says, ``Looking to date, but nothing serious,'' which to me says sex, but no relationship.
 LLL1030
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 13
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 4:12:09 PM
Thanks! I am thinking he wanted to get laid and only got a good night kiss, so got right back on line last night and moved on. I know, I came home on cloud nine, thinking wow, that went really well. Guess he got home and said, dammit, I didnt get laid, better get back on line and line something up.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 14
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 4:51:23 PM
You know-

Sometimes you have a great meet and it
ends in nothingness.

I get you had a good time. Regardless of what
he thought or wanted, he chose not to persue it
at this time.

It happens. Alot.

It's like a candy store. The dark chocolate is good
but maybe I want to try the milk chocolate next and
so on.

Lots to choose from here. Just count it as
his loss - but I can probably bet cashie money
in a month or two if all does not pan out- you
will hear from him with some kind of story.

Make up your mind now how you will handle it.
 Louanne57
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 15
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 4:52:24 PM
This is quite a typical scenario. It was just one date. He has every right to continue looking for someone until he is in a committed relationship.

I would not contact him through the other site. You need to be a bigger person and just deal with it. All I know is that if a guy wants to see you then he will put in the effort to do that.
(He may have a valid reason, but probably not.)

Chalk it up to having a nice night and knowing that there will be other men who will like you even more than he did. :)
 BRDeb
Joined: 6/18/2010
Msg: 16
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 5:48:48 PM
Let me get this straight, you had just gotten home and found an email from him. Did you check the timestamp on the email? You make it sound like he rushed home and started checking out new profiles as soon as he left you. Are you sure that the email wasn't sent BEFORE your date with him? I've had a lot of bad dates but I've never started sending out emails as soon as I get home. It just seems strange to me.

As for the not calling this afternoon...maybe I'm just too easy going but I wouldn't write him off just because he didn't call today. I thought I was free today too. Then my mom called and I drove 30 miles out to her house to help her for 4 hours then had a 30 mile drive back home. While I was at her place my office called so I had to come to work to fix an error and I'm stuck here waiting for a process to finish successfully before I can finally go home. I don't think I was supposed to call anyone today but if I was they're just heck out of luck.

If I were you, since you closed down the account on the site you met him on, I'd send a thank you to his personal email account if you have it. Otherwise, text or call him and let him know you had a nice time and thank him. I always prefer to write my thank you's rather than calling. It doesn't put any pressure on them. If he doesn't want to see you again he won't respond or he may respond saying that he's not interested but for all we know he might have woken up Saturday morning and thought to himself, "I bought her a really nice dinner and she didn't even thank me". Then again, maybe he got busy today.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 17
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 5:53:07 PM
Let me get this straight --- You go on a date with a guy, but you have multiple profiles on multiple dating sites, and you don't tell him.

Then you get MAD because the same guy is attracted to you on more than one site?

You didn't hide your profiles, so as far as ANYONE is concerned, you are STILL LOOKING. It's doesn't matter if you wrote to anyone or not --- having your profile active is the SAME AS HIM.

But you want to call him a RAT for looking and not blame yourself for still putting the CHEESE out everywhere....???
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 18
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 5:59:54 PM
^^
That's what I was going to say too
 LLL1030
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 19
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 6:12:35 PM
Forget it. The point to this whole post was:
I do not have my profile on multiple sites, #1.
#2 His email to my new profile, which I put on a different site before I even met him, was time stamped about 15 minutes after he walked in the door from the date with me.

Sheesh, you people are harsh on here. Chill out.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 20
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 6:41:58 PM

Forget it. The point to this whole post was:
I do not have my profile on multiple sites, #1.
#2 His email to my new profile, which I put on a different site before I even met him, was time stamped about 15 minutes after he walked in the door from the date with me.


See post #17

You had at least two dating sites in common. YOU wrote your own description on both. Whatever you had on those...he found attractive enough to want to meet. He met the person (you) from one of them. He has most likely not "feeling it" after having met you. So he finds another lady (but it's not...it's still you but he doesn't know it's you) who's description is attractive to him...so he sent a message to it.

It's possible he was only looking to get laid...if that helps any. It's also possible that many people fit A description of those we MIGHT be interested in. Upon meeting them IRL...not so much. It's not that big a deal. It happens more often than not.

Not trying to be harsh. Just spreading the chill.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 6:49:32 PM
You had one date, which makes you both free agents available to date as many people as you desire. I would not have judged him for contacting you on another site, he's well within his rights to do so and it shows that whatever you are selling he wants some.

But to tell someone I'll call at noon and then failing to do so is not acceptable. Personally, I would never have made myself that available.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 22
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 6:57:28 PM
Sounds to me like he did to you what you did to him....

You had a profile on one site. Only luck was him. Created a new profile on a different site, and there he is again. You aren't married, living together, engaged, or in other words, in an exclusive relationship.
Obviously it wasn't a match for either of you so I don't understand where the confusion lies.

And as far as the harsh comment.....
When posting something and expecting honest feedback, that is what you will get. Some direct, some sugar coat it. No one is saying anything negative about you but trust me, people will call you out on your actions as well.

Bottom line, it was one date. Keep looking.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 23
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 7:03:01 PM
I think you are putting the cart before the horse, you had one date that's all, you cant expect him to react the way you hope he would react, he might like you but maybe he doesn't want to put all his eggs in one basket.

That is the whole point of dating, you meet people, some you click with some you don't, you two kind of clicked but maybe his timetable isn't conducive to yours

Look, if he hasn't called you in 3 days forget about him and keep fishing.
 SunDevil_in_SC
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 24
Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 7:23:26 PM
OP, I do agree with the whole exclusivity/getting that out there, but let me add this perspective ...

Possibly things just changed from the time that your date happened until he sent that e-mail to the other dating site account. You might be thinking, "Gee, that's awfully quick," but it happens.

Hey, it happened to me last Friday. I went out with this one woman that I thought was a great match, and in fact at the end of the date she was the one that asked me for another date. I was flattered, and thinking things were clicking, gladly accepted. Then she was hard to contact and became distant. The whole time I did mention that if she felt differently, just to let me know and there were no hard feelings. Well, eventually I just mentioned in an e-mail that I wished for her the best and that she deserved a great guy. She responded asking what was up. ??? Anyways, after a few e-mails, it turns out she talked the whole thing over with her sister, and when she mentioned that I had cats, her sister reminded her that we would not be that great of a match since she isn't into animals.

Like I said, it happens. And note that I hope in the prior paragraph that I didn't come across like I was trashing her ... I'm thankful that she gave me a chance with a date since many women don't even make it to that, and I really think she is a pretty cool person even though we're not a match.

My point is that things can change from when a date ends on a flip of a dime, and it especially happens after a first date. Sometimes they can recollect something from the date that is a show-stopper, and sometimes they come to the conclusion that they are not ready for dates at this time. (It could be completely due to them) As other mentioned, I wouldn't worry about it since it seems a part of the dating landscape. Just find the guy that is into you and willing to keep it that way. I wish for you the best.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 25
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Help - I am stumped
Posted: 10/22/2011 8:48:49 PM
One thing that is common in human behavior in general, are clumsy efforts at politeness. In dating, this can take the form of smiling throughout a date, saying all the usual nice things, and at the end, either saying "Call me again!" or being the one who proposes another date, all without really having any intention at all to follow through.

I try not to do that sort of thing myself, but when others do it to me, I recognize it as a human frailty, and not as an intentional act of deception.

Besides, in the nervous rush of emotions DURING a date, it's easy to genuinely BELIEVE that you really want to get together again, and then as you drive home, the rush fades, and you realize you were really fooling yourself.

All in all, I don't think it matters, nor is it worth the effort to figure out some fantasy explanation for why the other person failed to pan out for you. Gone is gone. No need to label someone with a bad name over being less than perfect .
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