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 EvaVegas
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 1
When a guy gets distant...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
After a good few weeks getting to know a guy (doing activities together, making purchases for each other), and he slowly starts to back off...

Do you just leave it be? Basically, "if you like me you'll come back, if you dont come 'after me,' I'm not wasting any more time/effort" kind of deal? Or do you keep trying to keep it alive?

Ladies, what's your approach -- and men, what are your reasons for slowing it down, and what do you expect to happen when you pull away?
 diagonalley
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 2
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:08:40 AM
I just experienced this not too long ago with someone I met online. After a few weeks, I felt like I was the one putting in all the effort - planning to get together, initiating contact, etc. It was making me feel desperate, like I was a crazy person chasing after him. So I decided to let it be, as many have said a man will move mountains to be with a girl he truly likes. Well... from the day I made that decision, I haven't heard a single word from him (going on 6 weeks now). Guess he wasn't all that interested to begin with. Disappointing, but it's on to the next (...who hopefully actually WANTS to see me).
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:10:12 AM
I know when I'm first getting to know someone...I will tend to defer other priorities if I am very interested. However, at some point those things begin to back up and need their due attention. It could appear that I'm backing off on the relationship (or potential one) when in reality...it is not. It's merely a realignment out of necessity.

I think you should have realistic expectations of what you require in a relationship. If they are not being met...you need to decide if you wish to continue at the current pace.

I can't tell you if he is pulling away. That is completely different than the natural changing of pace. You should be able to tell the difference. If he continues to make you a reasonable priority based on his life...he's not pulling away.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:13:58 AM
Leave it be, OP. A man who is truly interested in you will not leave you in any doubt about that fact, usually for at least three reasons. He will want to make sure that you don't have time for and interest in other men; he will want you to feel secure in his interest for you; and he will want to interact with you because he gets enjoyment out of it.

Also, a good man who cares about you will want you to be happy. He will NOT want you to feel crazy and unbalanced.

So, if this is not the kind of behavior you get from a guy, you can be pretty sure that he's just not that into you, which is your cue to move on, so you can make room in your life for somebody who is.

Revilors: This is a valid point, however, a man who just takes care of every day life will still make sure that the woman he's dating is not in any doubt as to his interest in her. I have found that if I had a gut feeling that a guy was backing off because he was losing interest, it was usually correct.
 MuscleMermaid
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 5
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:30:18 AM
^^^ What LilMarleen said. No one will make you feel this way. I have been busy as hell sometimes, but it is amazing the time we find for someone we love. Not make someone have to wonder WTF is going on. :(
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 6
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:38:18 AM

Revilors: This is a valid point, however, a man who just takes care of every day life will still make sure that the woman he's dating is not in any doubt as to his interest in her. I have found that if I had a gut feeling that a guy was backing off because he was losing interest, it was usually correct.


I agree mostly with your post too. You'll notice that I used "realistic and reasonable" in my post. And I have no reason to suspect the OP is anything but. I didn't get any specifics...which would be necessary for coming to a real evaluation.

Example:
If he works 12 hour shifts and has for a couple weeks used his lunch and dinner break to visit with her on the phone...and talked on the phone until 3 am every night (morning) leaving three hours to sleep...it's "reasonable" that he is going to have to cut back in order to maintain his health. It wouldn't be "realistic" that he could continue.

I do feel a woman should feel like a priority and not an option. OP just hasn't described what he is or is not doing....exactly. I have no perspective...just some general food for thought.

Edit:

There are many ways to show care and concern for someone that is a priority in your life. In my example...reciprocal priority is shown by understanding their need for food and sleep and allow that to be a priority over demands for attention.

Granted...and understood that my example (just as I am) is a bit on the extreme side. In most cases, I believe your gut feelings are more often than not accurate. If you don't feel he's putting in the effort or is no longer into you...he probably isn't. And just so there is no visceral reaction to my post...guys (I) demand attention too.

Re-Edit: I don't think it's your responsibility to "keep it alive". It should be mutual. If you need Advanced Life Support this soon...I'd have a standing Do Not Resuscitate order and even consider pulling the plug.
 sschooly
Joined: 3/29/2011
Msg: 7
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:38:46 AM
I agree with Lilli, a guy who actually cares will still make time for you if he really wants to be with you. Don't change who you are or cause yourself to lose your self-respect.

I have a busy schedule just as any guy does. If I find that I'm the one putting in all the effort with him giving no indication that I'm nothing more than an after thought, then it's time to move on and meet someone who WANTS to be with me. It doesn't matter how much you may care, if the feeling isn't reciprocated then it's a stress and constant worry that you don't need. Easier said than done though.

You can try talking to him about it too. Let him know how you feel without placing blame. It can be that he really is busy and everyday life had to be a priority for right now. Don't ignore it and drag it out until you feel resentful though. It'll make anyone go on the defensive when you finally do say something.

Good luck.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 8
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 10:58:06 AM
I just go with the flow. In my experience, I've found that these things follow a pattern.
First, intense infatuation, interest, lust for a while.
Then moving into a more comfortable, intimate relationship.
When the shift from infatuation to "potential relationship" happens, sometimes someone will back off, take some space, think things over, for whatever reason.

What do I do? I just keep doing my thing and living my wonderful life-- see my friends, pursue my hobbies, take care of me, keep my emotions in check-- and let the man be. He'll either be back raring to go, or may have decided (for whatever reasons) he's not ready or willing to pursue something more meaningful.

If I'm interested in him, I'll just wait and see how things pan out. But I don't pursue him or try to pin him down or ask what happened or have an attitude when he calls again.
If the distance grows, then we both know it wasn't worth pursuing any further.
If doing a disappearing act becomes something more like a "character flaw" that shows he's just unreliable, I'm done.

I'd keep it "alive" by being open, relaxed, confident and happy to see him next-- IF seeing him again is what I want. No drama, no accusations, no demands.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 10:58:37 AM
If someone cares, and they are genuinley busy...they will TELL you how much they would RATHER be with you instead of taking care of business. They will still try and communicate with you, with whatever means are available.

If you are just left hanging by someone it means they dont give a crap.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 10
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 11:04:57 AM
I know when I'm first getting to know someone...I will tend to defer other priorities if I am very interested. However, at some point those things begin to back up and need their due attention. It could appear that I'm backing off on the relationship (or potential one) when in reality...it is not. It's merely a realignment out of necessity.

Exactly! At some point, I have to cease to be someone's sole source of entertainment and I've always taken it for granted that the intial part of the getting to know someone phase would involve a disproportionate amount of time relative to what I'd expect day to day. It's easier if I'm at the point that I don't have to schedule time to get together, since I can just as easily do somethings at home or at her place. If I have do my own things at home and a woman can't entertain herself, then I can't spend time with her AND do what I need to do. If I have to schedule time to be together like it's a date, then I have an either-or choice to make. A lot depends on being able to be together without necessarily having to entertain each other.

If you are just left hanging by someone it means they dont give a crap.

That is definitely true.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 11
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 11:13:55 AM
LilliMarleen nailed it!

My own experience has been if a guy likes you he will make the effort to get in touch with you - no matter how busy he may be. .... If he doesn't, then that's an obvious sign.

Most guys I know like to know that they put in some effort to wooing a girl's heart .... If after both of you have spent time together and you did not send any repelling signals to him, yet he hasn't made contact, my bet would be he just ain't that interested. .. Sucks but happens to the best of us. .... Just carry on w/ your life as normal and cast out your net again! ...
 devonbrown1
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 12
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 11:28:44 AM
While a lot of people (men and women) will pull a fade when they don't have the guts to have a confrontation about ending a situation, sometimes what others perceive as pulling away and spending less time is just the typical ebb and flow of a relationship. It is really impossible to judge every situation the same way. You just have to be accepting of all the different options and try to handle things the way you see fit at the time. Don't worry about regret, as that is a wasted emotion.

Good luck.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 11:53:11 AM

A man who is truly interested in you will not leave you in any doubt about that fact, usually for at least three reasons.

dating ain't batting in the majors, where one outta three gets you in the hall of fame.

He will want to make sure that you don't have time for and interest in other men

how jealous and controlling. i never did this, ever. it's unethical, and i would never want any woman to try to employ a time strategy to manipulate other aspects of MY life. i presented myself and my interest and i wanted to see what choices she made. trying to artificially limit those choices would tell me nothing about her.

Also, a good man who cares about you will want you to be happy. He will NOT want you to feel crazy and unbalanced.

she's not responsible for my feelings, and i'm not responsible for hers. if i'm acting within my personal integrity and she's not happy in my presence, but feels crazy and imbalanced, any attempt on my part to manipulate those feelings does a disservice to us both because we're not a match, and it's best to determine that as early as possible.

he will want to interact with you because he gets enjoyment out of it.

yes.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 14
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 1:32:50 PM
One thought...sometimes when feeling pushed or rushed, one might slow or pull back a bit to see if you follow OR they are checking to see if the rush feeling was them or you before mentioning it. I'll do that...I'm all about communicating but I'll take a moment to see if it was a fluke, a misread on my part or not before bringing it up.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 15
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 2:38:11 PM
2 reasons:

busy

or

boredom
(on some level)

Taking him shopping?????
I'd go with boredom.
I mean geez, were you TRYING to run him off?
LOL

If busy..... he'll try to stay in touch.
If bored..... you will be the one doing that.

now ya know.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 16
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 2:55:39 PM

When a guy gets distant...what are your reasons for slowing it down

When someone gets distant it's just a strategic retreat where in their head it's either ended or needs to dramatically change to something else, a means to give them an excuse to justify the behavior, a way to get some final validation and emotional fulfillment, a means to dictate communication in absolute terms they understand because the relationship has crap communication and they're 50% responsible.


Withdrawing is a means to test you. To see if you come after them.
If you don't come after them, then they know unequivocally where they "stand" so are justified in their behavior. Because you "really" weren't interested, you just didn't say so, therefore you are the bad guy for leading them on and it's a good thing they retreated otherwise it would have just led to drama.

If you do come after them then:
1.(if your intent is to get back to the normal relationship, or just judge and berate them) If in their head they've already ended it, then you've justified their behavior because now they can use the psycho clingy stalker label on you, and really that is why they withdrew..yeah, that's it, to avoid this drama.
2. If in their head they haven't ended it, they are just withdrawing from insecurity and/or depression or something like that, then they are simply passive aggressively attempting to change the relationship, to make it about them and what they want, for you to chase them and make them feel good, to show them that you want them more than they want you so they have the power to dictate or control the relationship, which makes someone feel more secure.


what do you expect to happen when you pull away?

A win win situation for the person withdrawing.
Either they get chased, or they get to control the relationship, and/or they get their beliefs, self image, and stereotypes validated and shown to be true. It's just at your expense.
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 17
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 7:24:36 PM
I can only recall backing off once; after several dates, all of which I planned and initiated without any overly strong indication of interest on her part. In other words, I was starting to get the sense she wasn't really all that interested.

So, as happydip suggested, it was indeed a test to see if she would "pick up the slack". And my expectation was that either she would, in which case we would continue to date, hopefully on a more even footing; or, she wouldn't, in which case I likely wouldn't see her again. And, as I expected, without my initiating anymore, things quickly trailed off and after an email or two, I never heard from her again.
 orayole
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 18
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/2/2011 10:54:21 PM
If he's interested in you he will make an effort to see/contact you.
 wildandfreee
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 19
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/3/2011 6:26:23 AM
may be losing interest, seeing someone else, busy ,personal issues,erection problem
it can be other reasons as well, the expectation will depend, i think
communication will save you a lot of time if you want to know whats wrong
and for your own understanding about this guy
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 20
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/3/2011 10:09:09 AM
It seems like most, if not all the women in this thread are saying that if a man is truly interested, he will move mountains to be with you, entertain you, and let you know that he is pursuing you........and......I am not one to believe that at all.

It takes two, and if you back off, I am sure that I will too. If you want me to pursue you, I will not do any more than you will do pursuing me.....it is called equality, and I strive for that with each and every person I get to know and want to know better.

So, if you send me an email, I respond....if you text, I respond at least once......if you call.....I will either answer the phone or call you back when I have time. If I send you an email.....please respond.......if I text you....please respond at least once......and if I call you..........call me back when you are free to do that.

How hard is all of this to do? What I see more and more, are those women that want to be equals in all areas except this one, and expect that man to do the pursuing, actively trying to swoon you day in and day out, and it just does not work for me. If you are my equal, act like it and pursue me as much as I do you, open my door if my hands are full of grocery bags, call the hotel and make the room arrangements, share cooking dinner with me, and not expect me to take you out all the time.....on and on.

Some how the fairytale of prince charming coming into your life, treating you like a princess and placing you on that pedestal while he works his ass off building you that castle, and white picket fence just is not working for me and not what I am looking for at all. I prefer to share that pedestal, life, and adventures, with those that care to know me that well, and we walk equally side by side down life's journey.....

So OP.......if you think this guy is being distant, maybe it is because you are distant too, or changed from being assertive and his equal, to that princess that wants to be pursued????

cd...........
 hunterisgreat
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 21
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/3/2011 12:59:54 PM
Keeping an ideal level of distance, early on, is an art form that is learned. Being too available or too eager will get a guy cast aside. Being too distant communicates disinterest. Keeping the person a little unsure of your intentions or level of interest while still communicating you like them, and giving them the opportunity to miss your company and build desire to see you/talk to you, is critically important to attraction in my opinion.
 -metal4life-
Joined: 7/17/2011
Msg: 22
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/4/2011 4:16:44 PM
If I'm into a girl, there's only one reason I'd get distant...and I think it's pretty obvious. I found someone better. Women do it all the time, no reason I should have to settle for good when there's great out there.

The only other issue is circumstances that are out of his control....hospital visits, going to jail, dying, getting so sick he has to sleep for days...and...that's about it.

The thing we try so hard to ignore is the simple fact that if someone's into us, they'll make time for us...

When they don't, we like to uphold our self worth and assume there's a good reason even when it's probably the worst one to hear.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 23
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/4/2011 4:22:53 PM
Oh honey... if you keep throwing yourself at a guy and he's not interested, expect the only thing he'll give you is a pity-fcuk. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.
 Megaladonfishy
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 24
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When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/6/2011 10:31:50 AM
well let's say that if a woman has my complete affection and i'm wrapped around her little finger and she decides that's not enough and decided she needs to make me jealous too? She'd probably be slowly done for
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 25
When a guy gets distant...
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:53:36 PM
if a man is interested in you he will let you know. if he stops calling you then he is not all that interested. i think men need space at times, and if a woman is calling and txting him all the time, it is going to get on his nerves. now i do txt and call my male friends, but not men that iam dating....
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