| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 8:53:46 PM | I wonder
There is tons and I mean TONS of talk about how much we hate cheaters on here. How we are so quick to give them the boot or walk.
So.
Has anyone actually ever forgiven a cheating spouse on here?
Or is it so ingrained upon us that as soon as someone cheats we walk?
I dont want to hear anymore tripe about hating someone for cheating. There is enough of that already. Instead, this is for someone to share a story or a musing about how they actually forgave someone for cheating. and How did it affect you.
Personally, I feel so much better for having done it (forgive my cheating spouse). But I read so much about how much pain and anxiety people have over the whole issue. Are there others who have the strength to forgive? | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 8:58:24 PM | Nope, never, nada, negative, zero, no comprende the forgive the cheater.
ETA: so you are back with your wife now and you are both happy?? *no I haven't read your profile* | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 8:59:42 PM | | Bus, I was blessed not to have a cheater in my life, and never cheated anybody either. So that was the good part. The bad I won't go into, but it made me wish I had never developed any relationship. But OT, they say "to forgive is divine". That is to your credit. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:04:37 PM | | I told her i forgave her and gave her what i felt was best for her.. her space and no interfearance with the new guy.. i just walked away when it killed me. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:11:41 PM | | It's far more painful to carry around the hurt and anger that a cheater creates than it is to just let it go, move on with your life and realize it was more about where they were in their life and not really about you at all. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:16:23 PM |
I had to learn it FAST. Otherwise it would be an incredible burden
Yes well thanks for clarifying all of that.
It is easy for me to forgive, but I could never continue with the relationship. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:27:05 PM | | AMEN!!! I forgave my ex-wife for her indescretions....but as far as reconsiling...trick me once shame on you....trick me twice shame on me...today is my b-day and as is the routine she called we chatted and she asked if we could try again....i dunno maybe you are a better man than I....but I can't see us reuniting.....she aint peaches and I aint herb.... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:30:22 PM | 
Nope, never reconciled myself. Still single and well, lets just say it has been an enjoyable year
She is with her fiancee/cheatee and I am learning alot Flying solo | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:31:06 PM | Yep, back in my 20's I forgave a cheater. I found out he slept with my best friend when I was in the hospital having his baby.
We fought, I cried, we made up, and then he went onto cheat on me four more times before I left him.
And that's just the times I KNEW about.
Forgiving 'that' cheater only let him know that he could do it, put up with some yelling, and that it would all be 'ok' again.
You teach people how to treat you. I taught him he could get away with it.
I couldn't change him, but I could change ME.
I finally left. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 9:51:51 PM | Yes, I forgave him the first time 2 weeks after we were married.
I forgave him the second time a year into the marriage
I forgave him again the third time, but I left him so quick his head spun. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 10:04:52 PM | | Last time I heard any news of him, it was 10 years ago...he had remarried at the Elvis Chapel in Vegas. I always thought that was poetically correct . | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/22/2005 10:10:34 PM | Well, there you have it, as others have shown. It is possible to forgive, yet if the relationship is over, it's over despite the forgiving.
I forgave my ex for cheating on me, but told her that my forgiveness was not giving her license to continue with that behavior. As it happens she chose to stay with the guy she was cheating on me with, and our marriage came to an end.
Sure, I was hurt and upset when all of this was happening, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting just a little bit once in a while yet, but in forgiving her I was able to let go of a lot of hurt and begin to heal. It's made a great deal of difference in terms of finding peace and health in my life again. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:02:37 PM | Not a spouse but an S/O at the time. I have no problems with that because exclusivity is all about control issues and I don't DO "control issues". I know that I am supposed to beat her up and go kill the guy but the funny thing is that we're all three still friends. I must be a failure as a human being because I didn't freak.
Some will screech that fidelity isn't a "control issue", but a "trust issue" but it isn't. I say that because WHO in the first place sets "exclusivity" onto the other person like a saddle on a horse and WHO makes the determination that the relationship flies or dies based on that "trust issue/standard" that they demanded of the other person?
Party "A" is controlling the behavior of Party "B" by demanding exclusivity and if Party "B" either refuses to say the right words in the right order, or does so then fails to produce as DEMANDED, Party "A" gives Party "B" a heapin' helpin' of abuse and/or the heave-ho.
When you think about it rationally, Party "A" is actually the offender that caused the breakup of the relationship as they made demands and offered only conditional love based on that other person toeing the line at all times. They then made the decision to break based upon Party "B" not meeting those inflexible demands.
OF course if BOTH parties are hung up on these control issues its a match made in heaven (hypothetically) and they can both make each other and themselves miserable by sniffing, and snooping, prying questions, trying to set the other up, groundless accusations.....
Or not. But realistically which do you think plays out?
sniff......snifff...
You all pretty much made my case for me as you said "I forgave but the relationship was over". i.e. "I seized control of the situation and forced an unpleasant outcome even though the offense was forgiveable"
Either you DIDN'T forgive or you made the determination to end a relationship based on something inconsequential and forgiveable. Which was it?
IF you DIDN'T "forgive" and ended the relationship anyhow, WHO was at fault for lack of forgiveness and the subesequent collapse?
And if you DID forgive but ended the relationship anyhow, then WHO was at fault for the collapse?
See how forgiveness is SUPPOSED to work and why? | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:10:21 PM | | Sorry...No one ever cheated on me so I can`t relate to this thread...If I try to imagine being in that position....if I REALLY loved someone...I`d need to know why I wasn`t enough for them and why they didn`t try to solve this problem without turing outside our relationship...Why didn`t they turn to me and say `This just isn`t working for me`...and give me a chance to make things better...whether or not I could forgive....I just don`t know...I think cheating would always be in the back of my mind....and for me, trust is everything!!!! I`m not sure I could ever get that trust back again... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:32:36 PM | Define "trust" and what it means to you.
To me it means that the other person wouldn't intentionally hurt me, steal from me and wouldn't lie to me. But then again, lies are usually done to avoid conflict, reproof and anger from another person.
What if there was no anger forthcoming if you told the truth and you knew that would be the case?
Would one still feel compelled to lie instead of telling the truth?
So how would this be detrimental to "trust" if one could tell the truth without ducking flying objects (like your own head)?
And isn't "hurt" (outside of the physical realm), a decision we make by choosing to respond in a certain way to a certain situation? (answer:"Yes". It is programmed in by social more's)
So why not choose a HEALTHY response?
Same with anger. Anger is a secondary response we choose when we're frustrated or "hurt" in some manner. It is a survival instinct that is necessary in animals but seldom constructive in human society. That is one of the things they teach in martial arts, is it not? "Control your anger". Rational decisions most often beat unrational decisions.
So why not short-circuit the whole demands--->'"hurt"---->anger--->get even/dump the offender' mindset?
IF we're going to ½ way down this road to pain, why not just kill the offender/suspect and be done with it? I mean, wouldn't we all feel better afterwards if we knew they were dead? Then we'd have seized the ultimate control over them and made sure that they didn't "hurt" anybody else. Its just another step up from dumping the person and then letting that self-inflicted "hurt" & anger eat at us forever after.
Orrrr......we could just choose to refuse to allow the "hurt", anger and unforgiveness to eat at us.
But again, what the hell do I know? I'm sure we're all happier and better off after dumping the other person. I can see that in your joy-filled responses. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:41:12 PM | I did
I was twenty two pregnant and stupid. Would never do it again. My husband created a son out of his affair, I raised that boy as my own from six weeks to 7 1/2 years then lost him back to his birth mother after my husband died. Once was enough heartache for me. Especially since I discovered after my husband died there were a set of twins and another single mother with his kids and they were all younger than mine.
Live and learn | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/23/2005 2:59:31 PM | My ex and I tried a couple of times to make it work after his cheating. I realize, looking back, we tried doing this before either of us dealt with the underlying issues. I hadn't forgave him yet, I hadn't dealt with the hurt, pain, mistrust. I was still recovering from the near death childbirth, dealing with our baby's weakness and struggles.
Now, it's been a little over 4 years. I have dealt with all the emotional, physical and the mental issues. In fact I have forgiven him, and I am moving on. I feel more strong today than I have in my whole life.
(I'd like to say, he's still the same dumb@ss he ever was, there are some people who just don't get it, and never will.)
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, Doesn't mean we think thier action was acceptable either, it just means we forgive the person and thier actions. We shouldn't forget, we have to learn from the mistakes, the pain and the hurt. Then we move on with that knowledge and awareness, and hope to God we don't fall into that again somewhere along the journey again. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 1:51:55 PM | If your "friend" cheats on you, kick'm to the curb.
If your spouse cheats on you, try forgiveness. Also a very firm warning that there won't be forgiveness a second time. There are some words that don't get used enough, like "forever", "forgive", and "til death due us part".  | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 2:17:09 PM | | If both people love one another and are willing to truly work things out, anything can be overcome. How do you think some couples have stayed together fifty or more years? You don't think they've weathered every storm? Today's problem is that people give up too easy and don't mean what they say when they swear a vow between one another. | |
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