| | "That's your problem"...really?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | What's up when one of the spouses voices a concern, lack of satisfaction or generally is upset about something with their life as a couple, and the other says "that's your problem"?
I used to heard that a lot. At the end, more than the lack of sex, lack of intimacy or her verbal violence, that's the single thing that in time, even if she had not cheated, would had killed my marriage anyway.
People says that communication is key. What happens when one of the spouses considers something a problem, and the other doesn't? | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:12:16 PM | well, i guess if your wife was telling you that...PLUS...that she was not wanting to have sex with you...nor be intimate with you...
that she really had lost that loving feeling...
for whatever reason...
it basically means ""up yours"" cuz i could care less.. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:24:24 PM | | I'd think it depends on the problem. If it's something YOU can fix- it is your problem whereas if it's something BOTH of you can handle- but she refuses then I would think the relationship isn't as valuable to her as it is to you. If this is a daily occurrence , questioning the relationship, then she will tire of it and you, real quick. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:48:29 PM | What you are describing, is a situation wherein one of you completely lost interest in the relationship, long before going for divorce.
You answered your own question with your description of what happened: your spouse stopped caring about you or the relationship, and what happened as a result was an end to the marriage.
Pretty straightforward, I would say. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:54:50 PM | | if someone dismisses someone else's feelings in such a manner, they do so at their own peril. your partner is obviously not open to hearing what you have to say, and it obviously not grown up enough to handle the difficult issues that confront all married couples. i hate to say this, but it does not bode well for your future happiness. if i were you i would seek out some marital counseling. i would NOT have children with this person until the issues are resolved, because to do so is to put yourself in the position of leaving your children heartbroken in the event of a divorce, or living out the next 18 years of your life in a state of misery. seriously, you need to get things back on track, and if you can not then you should LEAVE. if you do not have the courage to leave, then you will be miserable. imo, this woman does not truly love your nor know what love is. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:57:53 PM | It takes only one in a relationship to declare that an issue is indeed a problem.
If one says it's a problem, then it's a problem for both.
The other can hide the head in the sand and hope it blows over, but denying the weight of a problem a partner raises for discussion is akin to just saying "you're on your own to solve this one $#?%@! (fill in your own favorite disrespectful expletive here)
I think I've been there.
It did not blow over. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 1:58:08 PM | Yeah, I know that now. Anyway, I asked this because today I was with a couple of friends, and witnessed an exchange where she answered like this to her husband. A trivial thing, she wanted to try a hairdo style he didn't like and he voiced his disagreement. His face mirrored what I saw in my own face years ago. A pity, they looked like a nice couple. But I suppose it starts with trivial things. I will surely miss those BBQ Sundays after their divorce.
Sorry if it's so obvious, it just triggered a lot of sad memories. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:05:44 PM | | There is no such thing, in my view, as a problem with one person in a romantic relationship that is also not the other person's problem. When someone says "That's your problem," I think that's code for: "I don't want to talk about it" - likely, because the subject makes them uncomfortable. It's basically a strategy for ending communication on a given topic. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:10:53 PM | | It was your problem in the fact that she didn't care and you did. It is more than enough reason to call it quits. If the other person has no desire to work things out together, what have you got to work with? | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:23:16 PM |
if you do not have the courage to leave, then you will be miserable.
He did leave.
OP, you almost had my sympathy until I read:
A trivial thing, she wanted to try a hairdo style he didn't like and he voiced his disagreement. His face mirrored what I saw in my own face years ago.
So, she wanted a new hairstyle and he said that she shouldn't try it. As a result, she told him that his disagreement was "his problem"? This devastated him? Perhaps his disapproval devastated her.
If this were the type of thing that your ex told you to deal with, then I don't blame her! I was imagining you telling her that you needed surgery and she said, "That's your problem."
The true problem is that in this forums, we hear only one side of a story. My ex used to come home from work and every single fricking workday, he would launch into a tirade about his job and the people with whom he worked. This went on for literally years (we were married for 25 years). I would offer sympathy but he NEVER wanted to truly do anything about the situation--he wouldn't think about looking for another job or any other suggestions that I gave.
Still, I listened and commiserated UNTIL one day he came home and I had experienced a bad day. I began to tell him of my problem but he stopped me and venomously said, "I don't want to hear this sh*t."
Needless to say, after that his work problems WERE his problems.
But I am sure that if you talked to him today, he would say that I was a cold hearted b*tch.
Your ex was communicating with you--her words spoke loudly and clearly! But without being a fly on the wall, it is impossible for anyone in this thread to make an informed comment about what led her to this point and whether she was the problem, you were the problem, or whether it was a mutual problem. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:24:16 PM | You know Op, one of the downsides of being single over the years is not having that person in your life that can wade in there with you when things are going wrong and you're upset about something and you want to be able to safely share and have someone support you.
So if you find you're with someone that can't see past their own nose and register something is an issue or concern to you and they've for the most part cut you off because they've stopped at some point being invested in your well-being, it should make you wonder what you've really got going on with them.
If I think back to some relationship break-ups the writing on the wall started with a split in the seam somewhere that became really noticeable around something important...and moved to this place of not caring anymore --
It can feel really lonely when you're in a relationship and you realize it's about everyman for himself. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:37:03 PM |
The true problem is that in this forums, we hear only one side of a story. My ex used to come home from work and every single fricking workday, he would launch into a tirade about his job and the people with whom he worked. This went on for literally years (we were married for 25 years). I would offer sympathy but he NEVER wanted to truly do anything about the situation--he wouldn't think about looking for another job or any other suggestions that I gave.
Still, I listened and commiserated UNTIL one day he came home and I had experienced a bad day. I began to tell him of my problem but he stopped me and venomously said, "I don't want to hear this sh*t."
Needless to say, after that his work problems WERE his problems.
But I am sure that if you talked to him today, he would say that I was a cold hearted b*tch.
Wow Gwen thanks for bringing that memory back. My ex still thinks we split because he didn't bring me a tea when I was sick haha | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:40:18 PM | when someone has a problem then a couple will talk it out and come to some sort of compromise....that is what being a team is all about.
and.....as far as your ex not wanting to have sex with you...........you have to ask yourself..why?
did you let yourself go? did your hygene fall under standards? did you take her for granted and stop making her feel special? There could have been thousands of reasons why this happened....it takes two to make a marriage fall apart so dont go blaming your "dead marriage" just on her. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 3:36:30 PM | You know Gwen, you should read everything before wearing your bitter googles. Do you really, really believe the problem was her hair? Come on, you can't be so dense. The guy wasn't "devastated", but I'd say he was surprised to have his opinion dismissed in such a manner, and in front of others at that.
When you say "that's your problem", you're saying basically that you will dismiss your partner's opinion and feelings and you will do as you like. You're saying that at least in that subject, your partner's input is not only not valued, but actively resented.
Yeah, perhaps it's reading too much in a simple thing, but as I said, "it starts with trivial things". The problem is, that it soon goes beyond trivial things. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 3:42:18 PM | Igor always has the best answers...........what he said is very true.alz
EDITED FOR BELOW
OP you have to realize IT TAKES TWO to make a marriage work
You shouldn't be blaming her for your failed marriage. Something
made her cheat. She shouldn't have cheated no, but I'm positive
you weren't and aren't Mr. Perfect. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 3:47:20 PM |
when someone has a problem then a couple will talk it out and come to some sort of compromise....that is what being a team is all about.
Exactly. Therefore when one of them actively does something knowing that the other one is against it, not even trying to talk about it, it undermines the foundation.
and.....as far as your ex not wanting to have sex with you...........you have to ask yourself..why?
did you let yourself go? did your hygene fall under standards? did you take her for granted and stop making her feel special? There could have been thousands of reasons why this happened....it takes two to make a marriage fall apart so dont go blaming your "dead marriage" just on her.
Sorry, but I blame my dead marriage just on her. I am a very clean, fit guy, but she didn't want to have sex with me because she was more than satisfied with her lover. But perhaps it's like Gwen says, and the fact that I was there for paying bills and her lover for the hot, steamy sex was my problem, not hers. So selfish of me. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 3:53:12 PM | Op, sorry for the bad memory and I understand exactly what you mean.
But the husband was wrong to have embarrassed his wife in front of others by mentioning he didn't like her new hairdo, she was just being defensive about her choice to wear her hair the way she wishes. If he had told her in private in a loving manner, saying that her old style flattered her face or that the new style makes her look older then she would be more receptive.
See when a man says ...a blanket statement about something...stating his feelings on something as more important that what the woman's feelings are then it can make any woman grrrrrr. I went thru this with my first husband, I would get a new outfit and he would say...Take it back, I don't like it. He never said what he didn't like but after returning a few I realized that it was a controlling issue with him. I then made the decision if I liked something I would keep it and found that generally the items he said to return were the items others often gave me the most compliments on...he didn't like the fact I looked good in them.
I never snapped a "That's your problem" cause in fact it was both of our problems but it is simply about control. Most people will work with their spouse until they reach the breaking point where that spouse has overstepped their limit and then from that point on ...it goes downhill.
So when the other person no longer cares what your opinion is on things, you have to look at the whole relationship to understand why...it was not the like or dislike of a hairdo...it was the reason behind it. She simply no longer wishes to consider his opinion of value in her life for whatever reason; which might have been by embarrassing her in front of others about it. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 3:57:58 PM | Taking into consideration that you knew each other for some time before you married, I am sure you saw signs from the beginning (or at least after the infatuation phase was over), that this is what she was like. But all of us are guilty of ignoring those signs.
People are amazing at abusing each other the more serious relationships get... the very opposite of what it should be all about.
No point complaining about the past now... and just for the info, it's exactly the same thing I used to hear from my ex husband for the very same issue.
They are exes for a reason. Move on. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:48:49 PM | I've had issues in relationships where it certainly was 'their problem', sometimes it is as trivial what color car we should buy, other times its major like he believes she should stay home and raise kids while she believes they need to first and foremost pay the bills by both working.
I do not believe it is necessarily trivializing someones feelings, but it is discounting their opinion which is VERY different. I don't expect to agree with my partner 100% of the time. Often people's opinions get overridden and as a result feelings get hurt because some people view a difference in opinion as an attack. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:52:59 PM |
What happens when one of the spouses considers something a problem, and the other doesn't?
What happens - sooner or later - is that the relationship mutually ends. I use the qualifier "mutually" because it has already ended for the partner who says "that's your problem."
Had this happen in my first marriage and as soon as the words were out of his mouth, I realized it was the beginning of the end. After trying (and failing) for two years to get him to attend counseling with me, I realized that either I would have to put up with things the way they were forever - or remove myself from the situation.
Like Dear Abby used to say, "You have to decide whether your life is better WITH your spouse, or WITHOUT him/her - and then move forward based on that decision." | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 5:05:49 PM | But the husband was wrong to have embarrassed his wife in front of others by mentioning he didn't like her new hairdo, she was just being defensive about her choice to wear her hair the way she wishes. If he had told her in private in a loving manner, saying that her old style flattered her face or that the new style makes her look older then she would be more receptive.
Oh, she hasn't made her hair yet -after all, it's Sunday- and he said something like "but I love your hair as it is now", in a good-humored manner. She didn't "snap" (perhaps it would have been better) but answered with a deliberate and dismissive "well, that's your problem". All of us -we were 7 people- were silent for a couple of seconds while his face -and ours, I suppose- showed surprise.
She simply no longer wishes to consider his opinion of value in her life for whatever reason
And that's when it goes from a couple living together to two people living together.
which might have been by embarrassing her in front of others about it.
Actually she embarrassed both of them. The party continued for a while, but the mood became a bit heavy, if you know what I mean.
I really hope it was just a one-time occurrence, or perhaps she was having a bad hair (pardon the pun) day. But I don't think so. As I said, it would have been better if she just had snapped back her answer. But the slow, deliberate, dismissive way she answered, well, can you say dejà vu? | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 5:34:54 PM |
You know Gwen, you should read everything before wearing your bitter googles.
I did read everything, including what YOU said in your original post. I am quite aware that the hair was a symptom of the problem, just as your wife's non-caring attitude was a symptom of a deeper problem--but I am not aware of your participation in causing the problem.
As several people have pointed out, it takes two to make or break a marriage. By hearing only your side, it seems that your wife is the only one to blame for the break-up, but I have rarely--if ever--seen a marriage go bad where only one party bears the blame.
The guy wasn't "devastated", but I'd say he was surprised to have his opinion dismissed in such a manner, and in front of others at that.
And perhaps the wife was surprised to hear him make a disparaging comment about her choice of hairstyle--I wasn't there, I don't know, but I also know that I can't trust your account of what happened. You are overlaying your feelings about your wife onto the situation.
When you say "that's your problem", you're saying basically that you will dismiss your partner's opinion and feelings and you will do as you like. You're saying that at least in that subject, your partner's input is not only not valued, but actively resented.
Let me take another bitter pill here: when I received a diploma for a teaching credential, the graduation class wore street clothes. My ex told me that my "ass looked a mile wide" when I crossed the stage.
Perhaps some men would think his comment was trivial, but many women wouldn't. That might not have been "his" problem at the time, but it became his problem, eh?
My point was and remains that you seem to absolve yourself--and the man dissing the hair--of any wrongdoing, but I don't buy into that.
As Savona said--he ex thinks that she left over a bottle of tea. Who knows why your wife stopped caring? I haven't heard her side of the story, so I don't, and apparently, neither do you.
I am a very clean, fit guy, but she didn't want to have sex with me because she was more than satisfied with her lover. But perhaps it's like Gwen says, and the fact that I was there for paying bills and her lover for the hot, steamy sex was my problem, not hers. So selfish of me.
My ex told me that I was frigid because I didn't want to have sex with him--but it was HIM with whom I didn't want to have sex. Every time a man says that his wife didn't want to have sex with him, it is NEVER his fault!
Oh, she hasn't made her hair yet -after all, it's Sunday- and he said something like "but I love your hair as it is now", in a good-humored manner. She didn't "snap" (perhaps it would have been better) but answered with a deliberate and dismissive "well, that's your problem". All of us -we were 7 people- were silent for a couple of seconds while his face -and ours, I suppose- showed surprise.
And perhaps the night before, he had something else about her hair, or maybe he told her that her ass looked a mile wide. You simply do not know.
When I left my ex, people were shocked, including him, because they thought our marriage was stable--they didn't live with us, we didn't live with you and your wife, and you don't live with the other couple. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 5:36:54 PM |
What happens when one of the spouses considers something a problem, and the other doesn't?
The person who doesn't think there is a problem is not giving the respect their spouse deserves... They should acknowledge there is somthing wrong and do something to fix it whatever it is. Could be anything from a broken heart to a broken doorknob... GO FIX IT. | |
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| That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/13/2011 5:43:27 PM | What Happens...??? In the long run, both people end up miserable, because they are working against each other as Sole Entities instead of working together as a Couple.
You can call it IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES, but that term has been abused by Celebrity Marriages to mean some kind of temper tantrum during an exotic vacation.
Some comments above seem to imply that it depends on what you're in conflict about. If it's a grooming issue like hair, make-up and clothing, or some hobby like what TV shows to watch or music to put on your iPod -- it's implied that you are supposed to suck it up and act like it's not a big problem.
....however...a clash in music is something that can drive people NUTS in the span of 2.5 minutes. As for clothing...if hubby is wearing wifey's Victoria Secret lingerie, or if wifey is wearing that same lingerie minus outer clothing when she shops at Wal-Mart --- a clothing issue can be very BIG indeed....
Details are important. | |
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