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 cbsexygirl
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 1
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...Page 1 of 1    
Hello everyone. I'm a 38-yr-old woman who has been dating a guy for 5 months and who has primary custody of his kids. We have discussed wanting to live together someday "soon" and that we can both see marrying each other and even trying to have a child together. I don't have kids, but have always wanted kids and a family so I'm happy with the potential ready-made family aspect.

His two kids love me, and his 8-yr-old has already asked him if I am going to live with them sometime. He's all for it. I have been 100% supportive of his kids being his priority, but I'm starting to feel that I have to be the one to make all the adjustments to mesh into his life, such as moving 45 minutes out of the area I live now, further from work, family, and friends but close to all his family and friends; living in a much more rural setting than I'd like, and adjusting from living alone for the past 10+ years to living in a family setting. I feel there's little to no adjustments he's going to have to make, yet he doesn't think anything is a big deal and I need to get over it.

My biggest issue is that when I express my concerns about moving in together, hoping we can compromise a bit or that at least he can acknowledge these things are big changes for me, he dismisses my feelings and then tells me these are big red flags to him, and that i'm being ridicuclous and to get over it.

I feel that he thinks that because he has kids, I need to be the one to adjust. Am I being selfish or is it reasonable for me to expect more compromise and understanding on his part?
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 2
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/13/2011 10:08:33 PM
I think he needs to meet you halfway on things. When you have expressed your concerns, which is a very natural thing to do he dismisses them, that should be a red flag for you. He makes it sound as though you are saying something wrong in sharing your concerns. He obviously doesn't think that he has to adjust to the situation when it happens, but you certainly will as you have observed already since you know you will be moving further away from your normal surroundings. I would reconsider this relationship until common ground can be found.
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 3
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/13/2011 10:28:03 PM
If someone I was contemplating moving in with told me to "get over it" when trying to discuss my concerns, I'd be over him right quick.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 4
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:13:40 AM
I think you should cater more to his needs/wishes. Of course I only say that because that seems to be the trend that single mothers expect of the childless men that they date. What's good for the goose...
 johnnylange
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 5
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 6:13:56 AM
I think the best deal is for you and him to move into a new place and start fresh. I don't know if either of you own or lease. obviously owning means you have to sell, which makes things more difficult.

Distance wise should be based on how far each of you have to travel to work everyday.

At 38 one doesn't have time for games. If he doesn't like the idea of getting a new place together, then he's not that serious.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 6
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:06:28 AM
He is a parent and the biggest issue for him will always be that 'their' lives should not have to change to accommodate someone he is dating. Not yet anyway. You have been only dating 5 months and many people would advise you against moving in together this early on even if there were not kids involved.
Personally, I'd give a relationship a full year before you discuss co-habitation especially with children.
You want to marry into a ready made family then yes YOU are the one that needs to compromise. Pulling kids out of schools and away from friends and family so you don't have to commute as far seems kind of self centered.

Are you being selfish? Sure, most middle aged single people are not used to having to think of others before they do anything, so this is virgin territory to you. Being part of a family means the greater good has to out weigh the needs of one individual. Is this really what you want?
This will be a major change in your life and you have to make sure you want it 100%, or you are just wasting your time. Your BF should accept that you will need a period of adjustment too, he cannot dismiss your feelings but his kids need to be first.
 dad2stay
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 7
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:22:32 AM
Since he has the kids I assume you will be moving in with him, his house, his family and his established life style.

You didn't mention what changes you suggested so I cannot give any input on that but the truth is if you had kids and he was moving in with you you would expect him not to try and change too much

But you both should realize that compromises will need to be made but some things are more likely to remain the same in regards to how he raises his children and scheduling, however my experience is after time you can make changes if you dont rush
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 8
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 4:07:33 PM
When one has children, stability is the utmost priority.

When someone has a family, if they choose to move, it has to be a well though-out, well planned in advance move. A single father can not just uproot his family every time he dates someone.
 BountyHunterMike
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 9
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 4:13:10 PM
GRET OVER IT!!! lmao LOL Just kidding

Look your moving into his world..You will have to do the most adjustment..thats the way it has to be. I have two kids and if a woman wants me..she has to move in with me...my kids are in school...if she had kids we would have to make adjustments...maybe between the two..but you dont have kids, so your stuff in a pickle..

he should take notice to your wants and needs...thats how a relationship works...

Give it longer than 5 months...a year would be better...
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 10
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 4:48:02 PM

He is a parent and the biggest issue for him will always be that 'their' lives should not have to change to accommodate someone he is dating. Not yet anyway. You have been only dating 5 months and many people would advise you against moving in together this early on even if there were not kids involved.
Personally, I'd give a relationship a full year before you discuss co-habitation especially with children.
You want to marry into a ready made family then yes YOU are the one that needs to compromise. Pulling kids out of schools and away from friends and family so you don't have to commute as far seems kind of self centered.


These were my thoughts as I read the OPost...thanks, now I don't have to write so much.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 11
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:07:03 PM
OP

Any partner who cares for you will care about your concerns and wishes.

Could be a selfish trait you're seeing now will inflate later on.

If you don't expect your wishes to be respected, they won't be.

Five months is too early to move in with someone. With or without kids.

Try for a year.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 12
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:24:59 PM
OP, as others have stated, it's WAYYYYYYYYYYYY toooooooo early to be thinking of you two moving in together. The dynamics of this "instant" family of which you speak, is not going to be easy for you. Since you haven't had children,etc, you wouldn't have much of an idea how tough(and rewarding at times) this could/can be.

Your questions(and worries) alone are good sign to SLOWWWWWW down. If he doesn't like it, tell him, too bad, so sad. He, as the father, should be a little smarter in this situation also. Love is good, but it only a piece of what is required here in the real world. This is no fairy tale, it's your life, his life and especially those childrens'.

Deep breath, and put the plans on the backburner for a bit.
 ~~starlight~~
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 13
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/15/2011 12:30:12 AM
When you get involved with a single parent family, you will have to be the one who has to compromise the most. If you aren't cool with that, then walk away. How do you expect him to compromise? He moves 20 miles, takes his kids out of the school they are in, new house, new visitation?

As a single person you make the choice.
You don't like your choices?
Get out of the relationship.
 Fuzzybloke
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 14
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/15/2011 2:56:19 AM
As a single dad with me I can see both sides of your dilemma. In most relationships the welfare and needs of the children come first, this is even more heightened when children end up living with either mum or dad. (the fact that as a parent have been through a separation or divorce you can be ultra sensitive of not letting other peeps into your kids life till they are of an age or level of understanding to acknowledge that dad or mum will date)
In an ideal world you would choose a place to rent buy together and have a new fresh start. But his holding on to his entrenched view and your "but I will be leaving ......." might be a big bright light of "hang on!" answer just one question, if you loved him and saw a future where you both could sit down n chat about the fears and worries that hit every couple in life, why not just ask him where he sees your future life together?
 cutiecaliente
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 15
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/24/2011 9:41:01 PM
he has the red flags... you will get over it...you will meet somebody better than him ...
you need to move on... if he is not going to conpromise
then you go and meet other people... he is being selfish

believe me... he is not the one
think of yourself and be selfish
he is lucky to have met you... you have accepted his children
and you want to take the next step
 cutiecaliente
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 16
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/24/2011 9:43:51 PM
maybe you should wait a little bit longer... but i do not like
his attitude... he has no right to disregard your feelings
i have friends who have moved in after 6 months and there was children involved...
i believe every situation is different
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 17
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/25/2011 3:43:55 AM

I feel that he thinks that because he has kids, I need to be the one to adjust.
You will be the one that has to do the majority of the adjusting... when someone tosses children into the mix, they're forfeiting the right to put themselves first on the big issues.

I would never have moved my children out of their school district as they were growing up nor would I have expected that they give anything up for anyone else.

Exactly how do you expect him to accommodate you becoming part of his life? If any of it involves uprooting the children from their home... then yes, you're being extremely selfish and he's correct about seeing the 'red flags'.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 18
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/25/2011 5:55:02 AM
Moving in will be a big adjustment for everyone however you both agree to approach it.

The reality is his children are young. They need the stability of remaining in their home if possible rather than having to adjust to new schools, new living arrangements, a new home etc. Becoming part of a family is difficult for sure, maybe more so for a long time single person. Rather than having to consider the affect a decision has on one life - your own - all decisions have to be made based on the good of the family unit rather than an individual within it.

I think that you both should wait a little longer - maybe a year or so of dating - before making such a big decision. That will also give you time to discuss how you would make this change work, what reassurances if any, can be put in place for you too. I do understand your reservations but I can also see his point - although I think he could be more considerate of your views rather then dismissive of them.

As with many of the challenges relationships face, the key is communication and understanding. This is a big decision and will need a lot of conversation to find a suitable solution of all.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - you are inexperienced with the situation of having to consider children's needs. With love and support, the mind-set change will come in time but it's a huge change for anyone to make. I'm not sure if you can expect more compromise due to him having to consider his children and their stability, but I do think you can expect more understanding about the effects this will have on your life and the reservations you have about stepping into the unknown.

Being a step-parent, in my view, can be the hardest parenting role to take on. They have a mother, they have friends - and so finding your role will take patience.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 19
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/25/2011 4:17:43 PM
Just because he has kids and you dont is no excuse for him not to meet you half way..Im sorry a man wont use my life is more important than yours as an excuse if he wants a life with you, he will consider everything in both your lives, yes he does have to consider his kids and also what your giving up, its about both of you, not only about him..
RED FLAGS!!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 20
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Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/25/2011 8:09:28 PM
msg.#1:

I have no kids , I want a readymade family.. A lady I met was matching me up with his divorced brother who has 5 kids, has a "nice" job his wife run off with a young guy , I was static and told some friends about it. They discourage me, that I will be liable to pay his child support if he lose his job ect.ect and I can't even kiss/hug or raise his kids,because the kids are with their mom all the time..... I did not listen to them, so I dated him ,romance is not yet lifted off the ground, I was already saddled with expenses, his kids shoes ,he needs money for this & that, and I was always the one who foot the bills on our dinner/outing with his 5 kids... Wow ! the kittybank was easily drained and I have no satisfaction or nothing to" hold me" with him or the kids, so I got easily tired that I want out............whew! As if a heavy rock was lifted off me.
I hope it is different for you and you have a lots of money to spare if your BF needs help for his kids ,of course you won't refuse him for you love him...
Meh, I learned my lesson .. It is not just the reality of mony expenses but the drama,their kids mom makes me her enemy..
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