| | I think I blew it....Page 1 of 1 | There is this guy. He and i have had a sort of FWB thing going on for a while. He is funny, sweet, I trust him enough to ask him anything because I know he won't play with me. He tells it like it is and I appreciate it so much. Not to mention that he knows exactly how I like to be treated. He told me from the beginning that he has nothing to give me.
I go through this thing in my head where I think that I can keep doing this, but I'm totally starting to have feelings for him. I just can't read him. He says that he doesn't want anything, but the way we are when we are together tells me something different. I broke it off once and we made up, and I just broke it off again. Am I an idiot for breaking it off or an idiot for not listening to him? | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 11:51:52 AM | | First , you are not an idiot either way. But when a person tells you they don't wan't a relationship with you, it's best to believe them. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 11:51:58 AM | | There are a lot of threads already about FWB. There is really not a lot left to be said, I suggest you do a search and read some of the other threads. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others. No one can tell you whether it will work for you. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 11:57:56 AM | your situation is a pretty common one - the fwb where one person wants something more. do a thread search on 'fwb' and you'll find lots more discussion than this 21-response thread will provide you.
that being said, when someone tells you straight out he's not gonna be what you want, the wisest thing to do is believe him. it hurts to let go of the hope and the closeness, but better to bite the bullet now, do your hurting and get it over with, so you can find the man who's more what you want.
plus you may not have a choice anymore, if this guy is tired of being bounced around by your indecisiveness. it's really not fair to treat someone that way you care about. you're not some teenager - weigh the factors, make a decision and stick with it like a grownup. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 12:15:01 PM | Fairly simple answer here.
Just bang and look for someone else in the mean time. If your getting attached, stop banging. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 12:52:58 PM | | I totally get that. This has been going on for a while. I guess I'm just not wired that way. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 12:53:32 PM | | A gun may be lieing with he tells a woman that he loves her and has feelings for it just to get in her pants. If a guys tells you he has nothing to give you then he is being 100% honest. Now....are you being foolish? It depends. To stay thinking that his feelings would change, that is foolish. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 12:57:16 PM | | At first I didn't want a relation ship with him either. Iwas getting the same out of it as he was...Just fun. This has been going on for a long time. Just the past month I've started to have feelings, and that's when I broke it off the first time. But...we ended up back together..I guess in my mind I thought that might mean something else. I was wrong. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 12:58:33 PM | At the risk of repeating what has already been said in the supposed plethora of other FWB threads which I have no intention of ever reading through... and for the opportunity to possibly post something new that has not yet been said... and because times change and values change... and because bringing up old topics to be rediscussed or simply discussed for the first time by new users helps keep forums active and healthy... here is my opinion!
It's probably a better choice to have cut it off. I don't think FWBs can ever really work in the long run. Why? It doesn't matter.
What you've felt from him in those "times", may not have been quite as real, or quite as directed at you personally as you think. I'm assuming if you're FWBs, then he isn't seeing anyone. It's possible anything special that was shared, feelings and emotions, from him, were simply vented on you, because you'd made yourself available in an intimate way. It's very possible he was getting more than just sex with you, like comfort, and sensuality, and the ability to share himself. But for him, it may just be allowing him to siphon off some excess emotion that's building up from not being with someone he loves in that way.
If you keep it going, likely, your feelings will get stronger, make things harder on you emotionally, and completely destroy the friendship you have.
The ONLY person you would have being unfair to is yourself. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:24:43 PM | This is generally why FWB does not work.
Because you are trained for them not to work based on underlying natural principles you were born with.
For you to associate and emotionally react to certain behaviors and ideas and concepts, which is reinforced socially.
So when you go through the motions of a romantic, intimate, bonding relationship this shit happens. You become romantic, intimate, and bond.
You can not control a relationship. You can not pick and choose how you are going to automatically react.
Breaking it off is the only way you know how to cope with it.
You are basically a junkie that "quits" for a little bit, then goes back for the high. You are always a junkie though. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:35:48 PM | | Well, he obviously has many things he *is* able to provide to you when you spend time together. Without knowing what he means by "nothing to offer" it's tough to tell if he just has low self esteem or some major skeletons in his closet. If it's the latter, you better be willing to accept them if you try to move forward. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 2:52:16 PM | OP - The judgement of your actions depends on your INTENT.
Did you break it off to avoid having a broken heart later? If so, you've done the right thing by ending the FWB. Your buddy has been clear that he doesn't want a LTR, and all the signals you thought you read, are merely FRIENDSHIP. On the plus side, I think you can stay friends with this guy if you don't turn bitter.
Were you dumb for not listening to him? No. Because you DID listen to him at the start, and you DID listen to him later on when he said he has nothing to give. Sure, it's a bummer that he doesn't feel the way you do, but you DID LISTEN and acted appropriately to how he behaved - which was as a FWB and NOT a lover.
Again - because it seems the both of you are on genuinely friendly terms and DID communicate pretty clearly, I think you can still be his friend. I think you should ask him to hook you up with someone else that's good, or to help you find a real boyfriend. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:05:22 PM |
Am I an idiot for breaking it off or an idiot for not listening to him?
Yes you are, for breaking it off and for not listening to him.
But good news, you're a woman, so you're mostly guided by your emotions. Its just the way the female brain is put together.
"FwB" is basically only a friendship where sex is involved.
In regular friendships between men and women, the entire friendship is a benefit for the female. She gets all the attention she wants, whenever she wants attention or boosting, or someone to listen to her.
In "FwB" type friendship, the benefit of sex is mostly for the male. Actually this situation is more of a "True" friendship between a man and woman, because now "Benefits" are balanced.
So naturally your emotions are going to override your common sense, because you're a female. Step back again if you have to, but stop having a little cow and go stomping off like you just broke up something.
He is your friend. He may or may not be emotionally compromised. But meanwhile, you're both getting and giving full benefits for each other. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:43:11 PM | nope.
You are not an idiot.
Cus in his own words:
He has nothing to give you.
So find a guy that does.
and wants to.
good luck. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 5:05:37 PM | OP, that's rough. Sadly, that is what usually happens in the FWB scenario. One person tends to (eventually) develop feelings for the other, which is not the intent of the FWB thing to begin with.
I think you should move on and find someone who can give you what you want and what you need...something more than FWB! | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 6:59:40 PM | Sigh. Sometimes FWB situations end when one person develops emotions and often they do not. They often work out to the satisfation of both partys. Now you are not an idiot either way, but if you are not content with the situation then yes you need to end it.
Frankly, he has told you that he has nothing to give you in a relationship. That was basically meaning 'he does not want a relationship with you at this time.' No need to analyze or rationalize it. You take him at his word. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:22:01 PM | Is there anything to break off/reconnect, or could you just tell him you are taking a timeout? Sooner or later, you'll probably feel the need to cuddle with somebody - at which time, he's the convenient warm body to dial.
It sounds like you are both benefiting from the arrangement in your own ways: Him getting sex, and you getting emotional solace. Sounds like a good deal since taking it up a notch introduces so much more complication.
I don't think you blew it. Chances are that he's willing to pick up where things left off. Until you find somebody interested in something more serious, he's a convenient resource. Hopefully he won't come unwound when you find someone else. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:24:49 PM |
Sometimes FWB situations end when one person develops emotions and often they do not
So true.
OP, your fwb is giving you everything you want from a bf without the commitment because he knows that he can walk anytime. He will never take responsibility for how you feel because his only excuse is that you both had an understanding. To him, it is strictly sex and a friendship. He doesn't care that you won't be having sex with him because he will go to somebody else. After all, you are not in an committed relationship, and he is free to go to another person.  | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 10:08:11 PM | | You have to detach your heart from all this if all you want is a FWB relationship...Almost always someone in this type of relationship gets hurt and unfortunaltey it's usually the women because our vagina is attatched to our heart...haha!..I dont know how else to put it. It's so much easier for men to seperate there feelings from something that is just purely physical...If you are going to continue being in this FWB relationship take it for what it is, but if it is difficult than I suggest you move on!! It's sounds like you want something more out of this relationship. | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/17/2011 10:11:38 PM | How do you have a sort of FWB thing??? Seems to me that you either have one or not.
You say you can't read him but yet, the way you are when you are together tells you something... huh?
You broke it off once and we made up and you broke it off again?
I would not say you're
an idiot but rather, you don't seem to know what you want nor do you know what from him.
I DO get the feeling that even if you opened your heart to him, you would still find some way to mess it up :( | |
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| I think I blew it....
Posted: 11/18/2011 4:17:46 AM | he wants a FWB you dont. IMHO give him an ultimatum and see what happens
I suspect he will walk but you want more than he does which is never healthy in a relationship and ultimately this will not make you happy | |
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