| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/22/2005 11:44:03 PM | | Please tell me if i am going in the wrong direction with my daughter... I left her dad 4 years ago, when she was 2. The bond that they shared then was to die for. I knew when leaving if she had a choice it would be him.The reason I left was b/c of of his drinking habbit. The 1st year of leaving him was a grieving for her, now the last 3 years her attituide is make me pay. It has gotten SO bad that I ended a 3 year realationship with a VERY decent, respectable, hard working (non drinking) guy, because she made it so hard for him and I. I realize she is a little girl, and I have had her in intense thearpy for a while now, but she has learned how to play the thearpiest, and won't talk about her dad. Her dad does have supervised visition every other weekend, but doesn't (by his choice) use his weekends. He has a girlfriend and supports her and her son, but not his own kids.What has happened is she has created a make believe world that her dad is the best person in the world, she makes up stories, "when I was a little girl my daddy would........". Since I have left he has never bought, called or came to any of the 3 kids birthday's and the same for Christmas.I on the other hand work and go to school trying to make a better way for us. This past week he came over to pick up some court papers, after not seeing this kids in almost 6 months, he spent a hour with them, and durning that visit my daughter ask if he would push her on the swing, he told her to get her shoe's on, and her reply "Daddy I don't have any". This kid has around 15 pair of shoes. When I asked her why she would tell him that, she said b/c I want to live with him. So she knew exactly what to say to get me in trouble so she could live with him...So now what I am wanting to do is let her go stay with him (in about 3 days she'll be ready to come back) Let her see that her "make believe" daddy doesn't exist.I know w/o a dought that when she's old enough she'll make that choice to live with him, and at 13 years old it's gonna be really cool to party with your dad. I feel like if I let her go now the impact of his drinking and life style will scare her.The problem I am having is, he is still drinking, he has no funtiure, beds, TV nothing. Should I put her in that enviroment? Or any other advise would greatly help. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 1:30:22 AM | | Wow that is tough one my daughter is 8 and I haven't had that problem in that she wants to live with me. I think that it sounds like you need to sit her down and explain what is going on but in words that a 7 year old can understand ( and trust me they understand more than you know) and if that doesn't work remember you are her mother and there is a reason there is supervised visitation. You might have to play the baddie but she shouldn't go and live with him if you let her that makes you the bad parent. And if when she is 13 and she wants to go and live with him you dont have to let it happen but maybe ask her if her dad was so great wouldn't he choose to see her whenever he had the chance? Try not to break her bubble I didn't with my daughter's dad she thinks the world of him and he bad talks me all the time but I hold my head high and just ignore it in the long run that is the best option. I know it is hard now but hopefully when she is older she will respect you for it. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 3:57:23 PM | i feel for you, i really do i have been in that same situation but iv'e been in your little girls shoes, and now im raising a little girl of my own and her father is the same way.I was a very angry mother i wouldn't allow my mother to have any male relationships becuse i felt like my family wasn't going to be what it should.the thing is your her mother and even though it will be hard on you and probley tear you up inside your doing the best thing for her, and while although your going to be the bad guy for a while and it may be a year or it could be longer.you are doing the best thing for her and she will someday grow up and appriecate you for that. She will someday see that you didn't take her father away you let him come see her it was his choice to "trade" her in for alcohol and partying and he can't love her that much or the time he is sopposed to spend with her he would treasure. just play it out it may take a long time but it will work out for the best everything happens for a reason we just don't always know what they are.
You are a very strong woman and remember your only a single person and you can only do so much, don't be so hard on yourself.
krystal | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 4:48:53 PM | | Thank you both so very much, you both pretty much said what I was needing to hear. I think I am very hard on myself, b/c I am so afraid of messing up and my mess up effecting her as well.... I love her and my other 2 kids with everything inside me, but I just can't seem to reach her. My fears are if it's this hard to reach her when she'd 7 whats it gonna be at teen years!!! My heart still says to let her go, and my head is telling me what are you freaking nuts..lol..But come to think of it it's my heart that is broke! ( so maybe I shouldn't be listening to it huhh).. Thank you both for your advice. I think I need to just keep telling myself it (has to) will get better... | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 6:10:44 PM | Have you told her therapist any of this? You say that the therapist is being manipulated by your daughter, so get her a new one, and tell the therapist you're leaving why when you do so. Even if you are having to use a state-paid therapy center, they cannot deny you a new therapist.
If you let your daughter go she will only make excuses for any behavior your ex shows that doesn't fit into her image of him. Or she'll blame the new girlfriend.
You should never have ended the relationship simply because of her. That gave her too much control. Now she knows that if she misbehaves long enough, even if it takes years, she can get her way.
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. My heart goes out for you. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 7:01:10 PM | | Yes I have talk to her thearpist, in fact this is her 2nd one. I do agree with you she pretty much controls the house at this point, as far as my realationship what happened was it put a wedge so far in between my boyfriend and I, and I had my hands full with her I thought it was the fairest thing to do for him and her both. On a good note we did leave on good terms and he understood, so we're still very close friends. As far as her making excuses for her dads behavior, I never thought of that!!! Thats a very good point!! thank you. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 7:17:57 PM | Harmony: I think the problem may be slightly different that what you describe. You said 'she pretty much controls the house at this point'.
Therein lies the real problem - control. It is a parents JOB to control the house, it is not something to be shared or defaulted on. It is non-negotiable!
In all honesty and not to be mean, maybe the wrong person is getting the counselling. Parenting skills are not genetically encoded, they are learned. Go learn the parenting skills necessary so that YOU are in control of the household and the children.
It is indicative of the lack of parenting skills that you even have to ask if you should let her go live with a person who has drinking problems and is unable to provide a stable environment for her.
I feel sorry for her, she's a little girl being allowed to behave in inappropriate ways - how confusing for her and how unfair.
Please change the focus of the help. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 7:40:11 PM | i think ther should be a law against this type of behavior
when a parent abandons their child
one that is enforced
there is no way a child should rver be put thru so much turmoil
life is hard enough as it is
i think public execution should be brought back
and alot of the things that are wrong in the world today
wouldn`t be happening | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 8:19:00 PM | If harmony didn't care about her child, she wouldn't ask for advice or seek therapy for the girl. The facts appear that harmony over-indulges the little girl because she feels guilty, not because she doesn't love her.
And for the record, harmony isn't the one who abandoned the child... the father did. Your post is a little harsh. Maybe you should think before you speak next time.
"Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?" Matt 7:4 | |
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w82b
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Joined: 5/9/2005
Msg: 10 | |
| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 8:22:26 PM | I stated in another thread that their must be rules of conduct regarding authority. The head of the house controls the environment.... nobody else.
It is a tough spot to be in, but I can tell you what my first impression was as I read your OP.
You speculate too much.
How can you know what your 7 year old will be like at 13?
If you know that... then prepare for it.
How do you know your daughter will only last 3 days with her father?
If you know that, treat it as 3 days off for you and expect her back soon.
How do you know that she is making "you pay"?
If you know that, then approach the situation as such.
It's my opinion, but you seem to have issues you need to resolve before concerning yourself with your daughter's behaviour. She obviously loves him and is desperate for him to be back in her life. Problem being, he requires supervised visits.
If a father is irresponsible and absent then let it be. You will only worsen the situation by including your opinions on how he should conduct himself. He will pay the price in the long run.
As far as your daughter goes, she is recognizing her new ability to think for herself and is using it as a tool to re-establish a relationship with her father. She simply wants to feel loved, needed, wanted and attended to. You cannot make an irresponsible person understand that if they chose not to.
"Let her see that her "make believe" daddy doesn't exist." is your statement.
I disagree. You should not focus on that. You are creating conflict in your little girl's mind... bad thing to do. Don't paint a poor image of her father because, in effect, you are portraying a poor image of yourself in her eyes.
She hasn't learned to play the therapist... she's playing you. If you realize that she is duping the therapist, do you honestly believe the therapist is oblivious to that? Keep in mind that a therapist cannot approach certain concerns because the parent is not a good means of support for that type treatment. If your daughter controls your house and relationship, how can a therapist teach a kid not to do something when the parent allows it to happen, regularly?
Again, I see another woman complain about the absence of the father and then complain about his behaviour when he does decide to be present. He'll never do right in your eyes. Whatever he does will never be enough to satisfy your complaints.
Focus on your daughter's well being, not your ex's behaviour... that's his job.. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/23/2005 11:56:13 PM | I believe, as a single parent, that my son's father is not the best influence in his world as well.....and he too, does not see his child as often as he should.....BUT..I made the decision long ago, that their relationship was basically, "none of my business". I am my son's advocate. I will protect him from being harmed, emotionally or physically. So far his father has done neither of those things.......I stopped making excuses for his absences years ago, and have encouraged my son to voice his feelings to his father, and that I would be there for him if he needed to talk afterwards (he's taken me up on it a few times).
When I first left his father, he was about 3 years old (he's 10 now). In the beginning, he was very angry with me......(I left his father due to some extreme infidelity but my son didn't need to know that, it was about 'our' relationship, nothing to do with my son). During the first year, he would have 'angry fits'....and during that time he would say nasty things (that only a 3 year old could come up with....) ie. if he didn't want to finish his supper or take a bath, he would angrily tell me that he hoped his 'alligator would eat me, and then he would go and live with his Dad." Finally, on the advice of a therapist, I began validating his feelings. When he became angry with me, I would look at him, and tell him that I loved him, and that I was sorry he was feeling hurt. I would tell him that sometimes I felt angry too, and show him more 'constructive' ways of letting out that anger. It seemed to do the trick. 7 years later, I have a fantastic relationship with my son, and if I asked him now, I bet he wouldn't even recall those "I wish my alligator would eat you." days......
It's heartwrenching I know...
Get another therapist, and while your daughter is in there talking to hers, it might not be a bad idea to visit one yourself, if for no other reason than to learn how to discuss these issues with her.......
Best always,
CH | |
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w82b
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Joined: 5/9/2005
Msg: 12 | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/25/2005 4:05:58 AM | | When saying that she controls the house, she sets the mood. When I hear countless times "if you loved my daddy i would have a family, but you don't so I don't have a real family." Thats her control, it's more of a "mood sitter" not her commanding and I jump. And yes I still say she plays the therapist, she has figures out what to say to whatever question is asked. She informed her nana that she wasn't gonna say nothing else to her friend (the therapist) b/c all she wanted was to talk about her dad,and she wasn't gonna say anything about him. And as far as preparing for what I know is fixing to happen, I fell like her going there for a few days letting her see what he is really about will open her eyes and let her start moving on, and dealing with her dad isn't what she as made herself believe he is. In the state where I live a child can choose who they want to live with at the age of 13. If I don't find a way to pull her out of this, then by law, she can tell him she wants to go with him, he takes it back to court and then it's out of my hands. And again I say how cool will it be to party with your dad at 13. My exhusbands 1st time getting drunk was with his mom and the age of 14. And as far as me knowing that when she goes there she'll be back in 3 days... I know she will. I keep my kids very busy, she has her girl scouts, she has her tap dancing class, we have our weekly trip to the beach, not to mention we are very active in our church, she lives for childern's church. She's not going to have that with him, I know she would get there and it will be fun for the 1st few day's but after that she's gonna start thinking about what she not getting to do.And no.. before you say it, let me tell you, I don't give her this stuff as a bride, or in hopes that she'll want to stay with me but to keep her busy and her mind off of things. I do go to the same therapist, on my own time, not for parenting skills, but to learn how to reach her, I know I am going to be the "bad parent" in her eyes and I am fine with that, but don't take away everything I am am trying to represent,show,and teach (all my kids) how to be, for a person who doesn't exist. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/25/2005 10:50:17 AM | My daughter is 8 yrs old, and I've been seperated for almost one year now. I also have a 4 yr old boy.
I can't imagine having to deal with those kinds of things from my daughter! I'd be at a loss for sure!
I'm wondering, would your ex even consider taking her for a few days? Maybe he would say no??? That would sure change her Prince Charming image of her dad... | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/25/2005 11:00:35 PM | | I'm not sure if he would or not, apart of me says he would, but another part of me thinks if he had to find a sitter and pay for it I don't know if he would or not....but that maybe a good idea let her ask him and if he says no then she'll understand it's not my doings.I was wondering you said your 8 year old daughter hasn't went thur this, does she have a realationship with her dad? | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/26/2005 12:38:44 PM | I wish I knew what to tell you about this but I'm going through simaler things with my Daughter She's 6 and her mother choses not to involve her self in any of the kids lives and it's hardest on my daughter she despritly want's her mom but I can't force her to see the kids or any thing so I just have to do my best to help my daughter through as best I can I hope things work out for you  | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/26/2005 4:54:30 PM | | I have kind of the same situation as you. My husband who is a big drinker and possibly even a drug user left me and our two girls 3 and 8 to go live with his brother in Houston. We are now getting divorced. He never calls or comes to see them even though he's only an hour away. My 8 year old daughter keeps asking about going to see him or staying with him for a weekend and I have to explain to her that he doesn't even have his own place he's sleeping on his brothers couch. She is getting to the point now that she doesn't really even ask about him anymore. He never really was much of a father to either or them, or a husband to me for that matter. My girls saw him a couple of months ago when I took some of the divorce papers for him to sign and my 3 year old didn't even recognize him. She said you sound like daddy but where is he. It was so sad. I think your 7 year old is just really missing her daddy and she's testing her limitations to see how much she could get away with. Good luck to you. I hope things get better for you both. | |
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Lyndee
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Joined: 7/26/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/26/2005 5:14:38 PM | I have 3 little girls, 10, almost 6 and 3. The 10 year old tried your little one's behavior on me as well... lol... she didn't much like the fact I didn't play into it. I basically told her if she was angry at me about the split, and felt it was my fault, she could write in her journal to express that. I also offered to find her someone impartial such as a therapist to speak to, as I believe as the opposite in a failed relationship it's hard to remain neutral - the smallest facial gestures can give you away. Once my eldest found that she wasn't getting my attention with her actions, and when repeatedly she was told, "I'm sorry that you're angry with me, but I'm you're mom and you won't speak disrespectfully." it ended in a hurry. She knows she can come to me about anything she really wants to discuss, and if she has questions for me about the split then I will do my best to answer them if it doesn't attack either me or my ex, but I believe throwing insults and accusations does not help in the least. She may be venting her anger, but in a very, hmmm what's the term I want, "guided"? way - meaning she wants a certain reaction from you. Have you tried giving her options? Rather than allowing her to control? For example, if I had a man over to dinner whom I had been dating for an extended period of time, and one of my children was rude to him, their options would be 1.) sit at the table and eat politely or 2.) leave the table and spend the evening until bedtime playing in your room.
It seems you're nervous of hurting your little one as you love her so very much. I'm sure your heart simply aches over what she's going through. My heart goes out to you for that. Please do remember that you are her mom, and in small ways, can show her stability and love while still using non-physical discipline. She sounds like a smart little girl, and down the road will respect you for it. :)
Hugs to you and her. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/26/2005 5:23:01 PM | Dearest Harmony,
I have lived through what your going through. My situation was the same as yours with some violence mixed in. My daughter was devastated because he was very good to her in his 1 1/2 year sobriety. She was 4. I dealt with her the best I could after he left. Let him see her whenever he wanted (which was only one day a week). I knew some day she would see him for what he was and well...now she's 12 and unfortunatley she experienced Mr. Hyde for herself in January of this year. She's not wanted to see him since.
Take some parenting courses as CH and others suggested. Start to take control of your home, your situation. Don't let her dictate to you who you can and cannot see. (This is a way to keep you single so mommy and daddy can get back together.) You are the adult. She will try to lay the guilt trip on you no doubt. Kids have a knack for knowing exactly how to push mom's buttons. Don't let her. Let her know you will not argue with her and if she persists....put her in her room.
As single parents we tend to overcompensate because we feel bad about the child not having her father/mother living with her. We tend to let them away with more because of our guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did the absolute best thing you could do for yourself and your children. She will grow up knowing that her mom was always there for her. No, don't let her go with her father. No, don't let her move in with him...not even for three days. The risk of damage to that child far outweighs the damage she can do to you emotionally. You can control her (for now anyway) but you can't control him. She will grow up and she will see for herself, like my daughter did, exactly why you are not with him anymore. It's truly very sad that these thing happen but that's life, unfortunatley.
And remember, you are not only a mother (and a good one) but your a women too so you go get that guy and talk to him and see if you can work it out with him. And actually, she needs a good male role model in her life and it sounds like he would be.
Big e-hug Harmony!
blackmagicwomen | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/26/2005 5:27:31 PM | Maybe it would help if you talked to her abut your father. My daughter is 10 and doesn't remeber her father. She was 3 when he left. My ex stood inh for a father til my second child came then oldest went to back burner. My father passed away 2 years xmas day this year and when I feel she is down we talk about my dad and the way I grew up and stories that she hasn't heard from when she was growning up. Try it, it may work.
Tanya | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/27/2005 11:13:29 AM | | Harmony, yes my children both have a good relationship with their father. Although, I can't figure out why! :) It's just young, unconditional love. She's starting to not want to go there, because he just sits on the computer all the time and she's bored. My son still thinks his father is the best. I don't taint their feelings for their dad at all. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/30/2005 6:50:25 PM | | Although its hard dont ever bad mouth her dad over time shell find out the truth.With me its the opposite her mom is like your ex.Twice a month supervised visits and no phone calls inbetween although we would glady permit.My daughters added problem is 2 half brothers in the care of chilrens aid.Niether of them mine but i drive 250 kms / month so she can see them.Its a sin all three kids taken from mom over five years ago.Thank god i was there for my girl.Be strong your daughters high rating of dad is what she would like him to be like.do your best and god bless you. and most of all dont let her ever live in that enviroment. | |
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| I seriously need some advice to help my 7 year old little girl
Posted: 7/30/2005 10:59:12 PM | | My daughter and I had a very good week!!!! Last night she broke down in bed, but her crying wasn't I miss him, it was more of I can't make my daddy want me, I can't make him stop drinking, and I can't make him love me. I feel like him not calling her after he pinky promised made her see something. We had a beautiful picnic today and had very good conversation, how lucky she is to have so many ppl to love her, and how special she really is. We ended up hugging and her telling me how happy she was that I love her, and care for her.... was truly a sweet moment. When she hurts b/c of what she has to go through, I do blame myself, I feel like how could I, as a mom bring such a innocent person into such a hurtful situation. As far as bashing her dad to her, I never do that,I usally end our talks about him with "all you can do is pray for him". I use to go along with her when she was younger about the fun things she and her dad did, her fav. bedtime story was princess Kristin and her dad,(she would make it up as she went along). I think I do blame myself at times for her hurt, for sugar coating it to her when she was younger. I do however tell her the complete truth now,and don't sugar coat it, as much as a 7 year old can handle. When he came last week and spent the hour with her, he had told her his new girlfriend and he are expecting a new baby. I now think that is the true problem that set her off. I want to thank each and everyone of you who did respond to my call, your advice is very good. Looking at her, seeing into her eyes... deep down inside there is no way I could ever send her into that situation. For a moment I was debating, but after reading your advice I think my thinking it was based more on a emotional level, instead of the right thing. Again thank you all from the bottem of my heart. | |
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