| | Why does dating seem so much like work?Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | Is dating basically a numbers game. How many people do you all date per week? I must need to try harder because I feel like everyone I meet is not very compatible with myself. Do you think its best to talk on the phone first before meeting for a date to see if your really interested in meeting up in person?
Frustrated POF member..... | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/18/2011 9:22:11 PM | Man you certainly are behind the train running after it as its leaving the station , look... online dating isnt the same as real world dating.
You have different personalities online as you would in the real world, some people prefer to speak on the phone before meeting, some prefers emails, some prefers texting, some will say hey lets meet such and such of place and if you're okay and the first meeting is fine, they will give you their number.
It depends on the person you are corresponding with, which is why you need to be adaptable | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/18/2011 9:32:35 PM | To answer the OP's question, I'm not dating right now. Just came out of a nasty breakup almost 6 months ago. Taking the time off to get this out of my system.
Online dating is probably more work than real life dating. It just takes longer to get from point A to point B. It's all about communication (type, frequency, etc...). Just go with the flow.  | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/18/2011 9:40:22 PM | cooldog65:
Online dating is probably more work than real life dating.
There is no such thing as "online dating". All dating takes place in the real world. You use online to "locate" someone, and arrange to meet with them. All dating takes place in the real world.
The lesson to be learned from this? Do not fool around exchanging countless messages, or talking forever on the phone. Nothing is real until you meet. If they're not willing to meet within a few days of initial contact, they are wasting your time.
Getting back on the original topic: This is not supposed to seem like work. It is supposed to be fun. Meet women, go on dates, do interesting things together. Whether that is dining out, or going to the movies, or walks in the park feeding the pigeons, or playing golf, or ..... Find women who enjoy doing the same things you enjoy doing, ask them to join you, and enjoy yourself.
Now if the only thing you like to do is watch TV and drink beer, you may have a problem.... | |
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jmy2x
| | Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 5 | |
| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/18/2011 11:02:38 PM |
Is dating basically a numbers game.
Not if you learn ways to make an emotional connection with someone on a first date. Then you can feel mutual attraction with most of the people you meet and have a worthwhile experience with them, even if it doesn't lead to a relationship. ("Worthwhile experience" isn't necessarily a euphemism for sex, btw.)
How many people do you all date per week?
About 2 per month, when I was looking.
Do you think its best to talk on the phone first before meeting for a date to see if your really interested in meeting up in person?
It's pointless to talk to someone on the phone before meeting unless you regularly find yourself meeting women who surprise you with how much lamer they are in real life than they seemed online. But if you find it useful, then go for it. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/18/2011 11:53:22 PM | | it seems like work because it IS work. it requires times and effort. like many kinds of work, it's also fun, but much depends on your attitude and expectations. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 12:11:22 AM | Once again, as I have informed my clients within the past, that dating, like any other manner of emotional expression is an Art form in the purest conceptual sense. These emotional bonds we weave. Thus needs to be treated as such with respect and passionate effort for positive change to be gained and occur. And as I previously stated before:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/14681095datingPostpage3.aspxin
Yet the main message here is:
-Complaining about a system without spending the effort to understanding the inner functions and mechanics is honestly lazy in the grandest sense. Well then, no wonder there is such a pessimistic view by those who invest so little into their desires. Quoting myself:
"As a long time artist, I have come to view life as a form of art all onto itself. We craft this art/life everyday with the actions we perform, the words we speak, and the emotions we express. It can be a blend of bleak darkness or bright colour, simple or complex, detailed or surreal, beautiful or grotesque. The true question is simple, as the artists' of our lives, in the end of our time, will we be happy with what we created, or horrified?"
The truth is, we gain exactly what we invest into our ambitions. Whether we have success or "failure", we still gain the experience to find greater success within the future from learning from our "failure". And if you invest so little into your desires, you need to learn that you literally have no right to complain about not gaining anything back....
Regardless, if you want something, you have to expect yourself to work for it. Otherwise, you will never truly earn. or respect a good relationship....
The1Artist
P.S. - Uncle Steve says "Hi". | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 1:45:28 AM |
Do you think it’s best to talk on the phone first before meeting for a date to see if you’re really interested in meeting up in person?
Since you asked...I do...but that’s me. I prefer to at least have had a voice to voice conversation first and then take it from there. If the conversation goes well then I really have no problem in meeting up to determine if there is any type of connection or interest in pursuing things further. That being said, not everyone you meet or date will be compatible...
Is dating basically a numbers game?
Yes, it is! I like to think of it as playing craps...you may win on the first roll, a lucky few do or like most of us, you have to roll numerous times to come out a winner, either way you have to play to win. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 8:32:06 AM | I was getting some great emails from a local guy in another site- we spoke on the phone last nite- he had all these issues & obstacles & really is in no position to meet anyone. I got off the phone & said to myself "next"...in the past I wuld have continued to "work w/ him" now I know to pass | |
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114M3
| | Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 11 | |
| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 8:43:10 AM |
Is dating basically a numbers game. How many people do you all date per week?
Yes and no. Typically, person's chances of hitting a "jackpot" with the first person they meet off here is highly unlikely thus yes, it is about "numbers" i.e., having to sift through a lot of people before one may actually meet a person who is their match.
When I was still "dating" off here .... it could be anywhere from 1 -3 dates a week .. depending on how much effort I actually put into the routine (e-mailing, chatting, deciding if there's enough interest to meet, finally setting a date/time/location for a meet and then of course, making the effort to go out and meet) .....
As you can see, effort plays a key part, among other things, in the process of making things actualize. .... However, the "no" part about numbers is: Even at just 1 -3 dates/week ... after a few weeks of this, I started to have burnout ... you know the old saying -- its not about quantity but quality -- rings true. ..... Better to meet 1 - 2 persons at a paced time with whom there is a higher % of mutual interests than trying to squeeze so many numbers in who may have fewer % of being a mutual match ..
Do you think its best to talk on the phone first before meeting for a date to see if your really interested in meeting up in person?
I'd say this really depends on what both ppl involved agree upon. To me, it doesn't really make that huge of a difference since I am not a huge phone person. ... Talking on the phone is just too impersonal. Its just about as good as chatting via internet. ... I actually prefer web cam if possible just so there won't be any huge "surprises" when we actually do meet. .. Although some others may beg to differ and prefer phone-chats as a way to determine if the other person can carry a decent conversation perhaps?
...... Funny thing is, a majority of the guys I have met off here - I never did do phone or web-chats with them for the most part. ..... We exchanged numbers and perhaps a few texts ... and simply moved quite quickly to meeting -- cos that 's what the entire point really is about. ... I don't like too much dilly-dallying and basically just cutting to chase will save both ppl a lot of time & energy .. and perhaps in some cases it will save the you from having too much time to dream up any unreal expectations ...
So basically it does require work -- but does it have to be "hard work"?? ... To me its much easier than going to bars, pubs or whatever else ppl do nowadays to meet ..... . Like someone said above ... It really just boils down to how you engage in the process to get from point A to point B. ...... | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:14:10 AM | Me... I am taken. Found my match on here after being single for a year. He was just himself and we clicked. I am not interested in anyone else.
Before him I met a lot of men who I was not interested in at the end. Despite long conversations via email and a phone call or two. Hell even after meeting for coffee and going out once or twice. This applies to some men I met in real life.
Just a piece of advice here on POF a poor guy is really going to have to work at getting a girl's attention. We get a lot of messages... And a few bad apples have put women on guard. Of course some of the guys I have talked to on here have just as bad horror stories as I do. I have only been here a short time but OMG... there are some crazy people here. But what do you expect from a free site. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:53:08 AM | Dating is supposed to be fun. The reason it's like work for some people is that those people feel like they have to endlessly search for someone, even when there aren't any prospects. Putting the cart before the horse will make it feel like work.
Instead of making 20 dates hoping one will pay off, date only when you meet someone that inspires you to want to date. Then it will be less of a job and more of a natural thing. The results are generally the same - except in the latter case, you'd be doing something more constructive with your free time, so you'll be in a better frame of mind when you DO meet someone that you click with.
Or, keep lining em up and going through the motions. I guess it's your choice. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 10:42:27 AM | It seems so much like work because so many people MAKE it feel like work, both online AND in the real world.
Walls, barriers, and obstacles are erected and placed in the way of getting to know someone, and most people feel that they are just following a "process" that they have been taught as the way to do it.
Just look at the types of questions that are asked in these forums:
When do I give my number?
When do I give my email?
How soon should we meet?
Should I keep texting her/him?
When should we kiss?
It makes me wonder how any of the divorced people on here ever got married in the first place.
For any 2 mature adults, this process should be much easier than people make it to be.
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 11:17:41 AM |
Why does dating seem so much like work?
Maybe because you are measuring it against some sort of idealized goal or end point, rather than enjoying the "work" for itself?
Is dating basically a numbers game.
Not really. It's a dating game.
I assume you mean like looking for a needle in a haystack, you just have to weed through the haystack, which is absolute and static, to get to the needle, which is absolute and static.
If you were an absolute and static without free will it might be a numbers game. But you're not. I don't think. Are you a golem? Damn golems on here now.
How many people do you all date per week?
Averaged over my life time up until this point? Probably something like .00000042 per week.
Should I count the weeks I don't really want to date? This month? This year? Since my first date when I didn't really know it was a date but I thought it would make me grown up but I didn't really think it would make me grown up it just gave me a "good" feeling to say I was going on a date? Or the weeks in my life when I was just trying to get laid? Or looking for a friend? Or trying to network professionally using social relationships? Or when I thought I was dating, but they considered me a friend?
How do you want me to come up with a number for you?
I must need to try harder because I feel like everyone I meet is not very compatible with myself.
More people than not on this planet are not going to be very compatible with you.
But you change, constantly, sometimes improving the "number" sometimes decreasing the "number." And they change constantly, sometimes improving their "number" in relation to you, sometimes degrading their "number" in relation to you.
Do you think its best to talk on the phone first before meeting for a date to see if your really interested in meeting up in person?
IMO no. But see, that is what I have personally chosen to believe and justify with "it's no different than emailing, so why continue it, it's just kicking the can down the road, and not just take a small risk," and therefore have changed my "number," positive towards some people, negative towards others. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 11:46:14 AM | If it were that easy, places like POF would not exist. It's work... yes. But don't fool you're self into thinking that you need to work for someone. Be genuine... the worst thing you can do is try too hard. And what I mean by that is, don't be a blow hard. Don't be desperate. I’m not saying just sit back and don’t try. You need to be you though. The saying goes "It only comes when you’re not looking". Now again I'm not saying don't look. But don't think that every girl you meet is the only girl out there. But if it's right, things will go somewhere. If you are yourself and the other person doesn't like you at least you know early on rather than 4 months into a relationship when you start dropping the act.
Best of luck.
-Chris. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 1:41:04 PM | ALL successful endeavors, ESPECIALLY relationships, take work.
I would rather stick to pof email only most of the time, no phone because it has often ended up being a bad thing. If I was dating seriously, I would get a separate phone number for just dating, my job is highly anti-phone and I sleep when others are awake and, many times I struggled to make someone understand that I didn't like calls during certain times for that reason....no, I can't turn my phone off to control the situation, but if I can't get grown-ups to act like grown-ups, then I just have to say, no phone number, no email, til we meet and I feel comfortble with you.
I don't IM, either.
Yes, that means that I meet men who weight 100 pounds more than their photos, and men who are toothless, and men who are married and used their single brother's picture. I think only web cam would change that, and I consider that a first meeting because it is next best thing. I just don't mention the availability because ime, say web cam to some men and you just asked for a screen full of peter. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 2:00:17 PM | | Why does it seem like work? Because it is! And if you think dating is work, try marriage and raising a family! All are challenging. Of course, anything we really want, we work for. It’s a gratifying and fulfilling way to live. It’s even lots of fun. Maybe you don’t want a relationship very much right now- which is fine. Maybe wait until you want it enough and focus on work, education, activities, friends and family for now and then start again when it doesn’t feel burdensome? | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/19/2011 4:44:13 PM | | Dating is a numbers game only if you decide to make it one. When I was actively dating on here, I would often meet 3-4 people per week and often found myself exhausted and overwhelmed, which made it difficult to get to know any one person on a deeper level. I found myself getting bored easily, less likely to be interested in a second date, and feeling more alienated. Dating more people made me feel more estranged and alone than dating fewer people. When I cut back on the numbers, I was better able to connect with people and it seemed like less work. My guess is that you are meeting too many women and it's just like watching people go by on a conveyor belt, hence the feeling that there is no connection. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/20/2011 7:03:26 PM |
When do I give my number?
When do I give my email?
How soon should we meet?
Should I keep texting her/him?
When should we kiss?
It makes me wonder how any of the divorced people on here ever got married in the first place
Sorta makes me wonder how these people get across town, or fed themselves on any given day!!  | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/23/2011 11:26:22 AM | Dating is a lot of work. I wouldn't necessarily call it a numbers game, but there is definitely an aspect of salesmanship in dating. It is competition. You are competing for interest. Then you are competing for time. Then you are competing for emotional commitment. Unfortunately, that is the landscape. Online dating can help that a little since you can sort through some factors before even contacting the person. But, the only way to tell for sure if you connect with someone is to meet them and spend time with them.
Good luck. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/23/2011 12:50:48 PM | My advice? Spend a quiet afternoon and read very carefully a dozen profiles for ladies near you. Pick 3 that match closest to what you want in a partner and then write very sincere emails. Ask questions, give some details about your life that are not in your profile. Be kind, be brief and above all be very polite. Compliment their photos and impress upon the fact that you are looking for a real relationship.
If one does not respond positively I would be shocked, good looking, single men with no ex wife and kids at your age are rare.
After 2-3 emails ask to meet for coffee and see if there is a spark. Dress neatly, shave and keep the meeting short. Do not waste weeks being pen pals and forget Iming. Never text, only call if you get a phone number.
Never lower yourself to phone sex, innuendos or being overly flirtatious before meeting. Consider a gal that encourages that to be wrong for you, but you have to believe you are worthy of a good healthy relationship. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 11/23/2011 1:04:27 PM | More than a numbers game, it's a perseverance and learning game.
If you think its purely a number's game, write an email and send it to 100 ladies. More than likely 100 of them are not going to respond. But if the you devote some time to "read" what some of these ladies have to say about themselves and "feel" how what they said fits your personality, then you will craft one email at the time in a way that tries to connect with that particular woman. However, as you get rejected, and you begin to get responses, you will discover several things that work well for you, and for what particular type of woman. You also will discover what type of women do not respond well to what you have to say and then learn patterns and use those patterns again.
One thing that for instance I do not do, is give physical complements. I do not email saying that she is hot, gorgeous, attractive, or any of those statements. Why? women hear them all the time, and it's usually by the guys objectifying them. I prefer to talk about something that identify what they like or enjoy. Then finish what you say with a question, so you are in control of the conversation.
What will eventually happen is that instead of sending a ton of emails, you will send only a few, but to women that seem to fit your interest and profile. | |
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