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 carolinagrl09
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 1
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men asking why and how you're singlePage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'm just wondering if anyone else here as this experiance and how to handle it. I'll be emailing a guy and on the first or second response all of sudden he asks "why are you still single you seem so great" now I may be overreacting but to me that is a huge tun off. I don't know how to respond to that at all. Usually I'm temtped to write back a snarky "you tell me why you have't managed to get someone and I'll let you know"

Any feedback on this is very appreciated!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 8:50:03 AM
I tell them I'm smart enough not to fall into the couple trap, or I haven't found a guy that makes me want to not be single, or I ask how they can tell I'm so great, or I ask them why they're single, or I ask them if they think single is a bad thing....etc.

Depends on my mood.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 3
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 8:51:03 AM
Well, why ARE you still single?


I guess I'm not as sensitive as you so the question wouldn't bother me. I'm still single because I've enjoyed traveling all over the world and haven't had time to settle down.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 4
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 8:52:23 AM
Perhaps some feel it's a way to compliment to ask that question. The best response would be to turn it around and ask them the same thing. People get nervous and don't know what to say, attempts at flattery gone wrong.

I've never asked anyone that question because it's as stupid as stupid can be. Lots of things people say and do are stupid, you noticed that yet? lol
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 5
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 8:53:46 AM
I usually just respond by shrugging my shoulders.

Asking someone why they're single has got to be one of the stupidest questions.

Duh! It's because they haven't found the one yet!
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 6
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:00:44 AM

Asking someone why they're single has got to be one of the stupidest questions.



Yup, attempted flattery gone wrong is correct.

Whoever does this needs to go back to their drawing board and come up with a new formula.

 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:03:28 AM
Holycow has it right, I think. It's usually a VERY old-fashioned, pre-women's lib-style compliment. Women older than I often say similarly to me "I don't know why someone hasn't snapped you up."

Feel grumpy if you like, but it's akin to being annoyed that someone says they find you attractive, usually.

Though I can appreciate that there are also some paranoid folks out there, who would ask it suspiciously, wondering why someone who SEEMS to be so nice, might not have a mate.

Are you perhaps secretly Bipolar?

Not the sex you claim?

Prone to taking compliments as being insults, and storming off, leaving the other person wondering what in the world set you off?
 distinct_purpose
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 8
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:04:19 AM
Sensitive much?
Perhaps the reason your single, is upsetting to you for some reason?
You may want to do some reflecting on that and try and figure out why? I'm mean if the answer is...

Because I murdered my ex and spent the last 20+yrs in prison, I can understand your sensitivity

I really don't think people ask this to be mean or insulting, let's face the person asking "should" be single as well.
 BountyHunterMike
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 9
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:06:37 AM
Why is this a issue for you??? This really is a simple qustion for anyone to ask. I ask this same question to possible dates. I also have no problem sharing why I am still single. They would like to know if your a nut case or a golddigger...among other reason why a guy would not date you....this also works for men as well....Just be open and honest...that works well and best....
 apurfectmeow
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 10
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:25:13 AM
They ask and I answer but that doesnt mean they will like it~
I find "yeah both the men I loved are dead" doesnt work too well.
How do I tell a guy really? There is no nice way and it scares off most.
At least I have a sense of humor about it.

So if your answer isnt as complex I dont see why it would bother anyone or you.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 11
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:25:38 AM
offended much huh? ....

I was once asked by a young, local teenage girl who sat next to me on a bus going to the north of Thailand "Why are you so fat?" ...... Mind you this was almost 10 years ago when I was 20 + lbs lighter than I am now ...... WTF right? ... I could have tore her head off right there ... luckily however I'd been living in these parts long enough to know she did not mean this in an offending way ... Believe it or not, this is something perhaps comparable to the western culture of saying something along the lines of "Oh you have really curly hair" ...... if that makes any sense.

My 2 cents about your question OP: C-H-I-L-L. There could be worse things said.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 12
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:34:02 AM
LOL...I get those lines too. I'll just end up saying "just havent met the right one yet". Really, I just think its a conversation and compliment starter. I really dont think they care that much about your answer.
 distinct_purpose
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 13
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 9:43:52 AM

I find "yeah both the men I loved are dead" doesnt work too well.


Specially if your next statement is....

I just got out of prison so I'm not really up on the current dating standards.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 10:52:45 AM
carolinagrl,
the crowd here already indicated that it’s intended as a compliment. I am guilty of it myself but once I realized how it makes me feel I stopped saying that long time ago.

I do share your stance on it though. I don’t think you are being sensitive and to bring it up here to talk about is a great thing.

Let’s be honest, it’s a loaded question. If you say you haven’t found the right person you’ll get accused of being too picky. I could list a million different reasons and it wouldn’t change the fact that it would make me look like I’m doing something wrong. So the compliment does not sit well with me for these reasons.

I would just be honest and say you don’t know how to answer that question. I believe in transparency. I would allow the awkwardness of the question to exist and be noticeable, and not try to cover up or compensate for his lack of better choice of communication skills.
 Wh1te_Rabb1t
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 15
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 11:00:47 AM

I'll just end up saying "just havent met the right one yet".


My impulse to that line would be to ask, "Well, how many HAVE you met?" - but I realize that's not a good thing to say, because it infers that I suspect they have met too many, or not enough - and they would be right. Mostly on the 'not enough' end. When people tell me they have dated and seem to have fairly solid opinions on what 'all men' are like, it doesn't take too long to find out they have only been on a couple dates and it's more about their stubborn personality than anything.

---------------------------
Getting back to the original post - If a guy asks why you are single, I would take it as a sincere compliment - they want to know so they don't make the same mistake. Guys may not be aware of your level of comfort talking about your past, but they do want to be part of your future. Give them the benefit of a doubt unless they get really intense with their demands.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 11:16:35 AM
it's not about them, op, it's about you. because if you think a guy is really cute, when he says this, you'll think it's sweet and endearing. if you think he's only somewhat cute, it'll be a throwaway nothing. if you think he's marginal, you'll find it irritating.

these guys are the instruments of your enlightenment. they're leading you down the path of self-knowledge. be grateful and don't miss your opportunity.
 mdgs
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 17
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 11:21:49 AM
Lighten up OP. That is a compliment.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 18
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 11:35:29 AM
I've heard it before and I just tell them the truth. Just haven't met anyone that I clicked with yet. It's nowhere near a turn off for me if a dude asks.
 RadiantSpirit
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 19
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 12:23:03 PM
I hear you. I find the question annoying too. Isn't everyone single because they haven't found the right one to be with?
 RadiantSpirit
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 20
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 12:28:06 PM

Why is this a issue for you??? This really is a simple qustion for anyone to ask. I ask this same question to possible dates. I also have no problem sharing why I am still single. They would like to know if your a nut case or a golddigger...among other reason why a guy would not date you....this also works for men as well....Just be open and honest...that works well and best....


The point is if you are a nutcase or golddigger you are probably unaware and if you aren't it is hardly something that you are going to admit!
 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 21
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 12:45:56 PM


I hear you. I find the question annoying too. Isn't everyone single because they haven't found the right one to be with?


so why are you single?

see you are 31...arent all the good women taken by age 30?

personally I dont find this question annoying, just boring, because I heard it a few times....

wonder what is the best answer?
 distinct_purpose
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 22
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 1:02:24 PM

I hear you. I find the question annoying too. Isn't everyone single because they haven't found the right one to be with?


Not at all??? People are single for many reasons, be it by choice, or not? Things like death, health issues, appearance, court orders, prison etc etc interfere with the being in a relationship all the time.

I became single because my ex and I got a divorce, mutual choice.
Then I went through the "Yaahoo, I'm single again phase..." so I was single because I wanted to be.
Then I started to look for a serious relationship, and started dating more "seriously" so I was single because I hadn't met the right one.
Now, I've put a lot of thought into what being in a long term relationship would mean and what I would have to give up and decided I'm not ready to do that yet. So I'm single because I don't want to give up the remote.
Many, many different reasons for being single....
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 23
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men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 1:08:04 PM
Sometimes it's intended as a misguided compliment, as Igor said. Other times it's a legitimate question. A man may wonder if there is a red flag hidden under all your wonderfulness.

Men get asked this too.
 carptopus
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 24
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 1:22:29 PM

how to handle it.

This is just one of those multilevel social lubricant questions.
It really doesn't matter how you answer it.
Because no matter how you answer it, then it tells them something.
And it allows them to not really have to share any information about themselves.

If you load the answer with snarkyness or any other negative emotion (anger, annoyance, frustration, no reply), you answer their question about what's "wrong" with you.
If you answer the question with levity then it depends on how secure or insecure they are.
On one hand you could be seen as bonding,both happy and having a good time, meaning you are interested in them as well.
On the other hand you could be keeping your distance from them.
If you don't answer the question at all, or are vague, or just come back with a question, that tells them something too.

It's basically a way to fish for information without having to commit to being a certain type of personality that might "scare" you off.
A lot of times (if not always) used when people are trying to date above their "league," or they are insecure so everyone is perceived to be out of their league.

It basically gives you multi points to focus an answer on, and what point you want to focus on, even every single one, as being the important part of the question (pedantic or implied sub text or meta message or compliment).
 walkingtall38
Joined: 11/16/2011
Msg: 25
men asking why and how you're single
Posted: 11/25/2011 1:37:03 PM
I've had the same question directed at me. I usually take it as a compliment unless they start drilling me about things like they're trying to discover some dark secret or skeleton in my closet :/ That's the only time I find it annoying.
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