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 friendseeker23
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 1
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oops, porn & early dating questionPage 1 of 1    
Hi everyone,

I hope this hasn't been done, and admit defeat in my search capabilities if yes. I've read a lot about body image and porn etc., but not exactly in this vein. I also apologize if this is a "poor me" thread, but I don't think it fits that category.

I've recently met a man on a dating site. We emailed, talked on phone and txt'd for about 3 weeks before we finally met in person, and had a comfortable 3+ hour first meeting. We planned a second date, and a third, which ended up with us cuddling together, and same with fourth date. We discussed what we wanted from a relationship and decided we were interested in each other and wanted to see what happens. When I expressed a desire to take it slowly he was fine with that. We did end up having sex on last 2 dates. I feel comfortable with him, vice versa, and feel like he is an honest person--very up front about what he does with his time etc. I don't feel we've gotten to know each other well enough to expect to be an item or anything, and that's OK--but that's the background.

The only thing that has sort of bothered me stems from my own insecurity, so I recognize that, although, I didn't feel as insecure about it initially as I began feeling after this discovery. Upon the advised idea with online dating of googling the person you are going to meet to see if they are "real," and before our second date, I came across his twitter account. About 85% of the people that he follows are really really, super duper, like DD+ thru GG+ extra large breasted porn stars and erotica models. I understand a man's need for porn--I like to watch porn sometimes-- but that's not so much where the issue lies. He hasn't made me feel inadequate, but I am a small 34A.

My question, and I know ladies will chime in too, is:
How much does the *kind* of porn that men enjoy has an effect on men's everyday expectations of sexual relationships?

Thanks for your time and honest consideration of my question.


 deathspoet
Joined: 3/4/2010
Msg: 2
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 6:59:54 PM
the thing you have to remember about guys and porn is its a fantasy for us.

guys know that porn isnt real. but that doesnt stop us from pretending its real for those special private moments through out the day.

if he has slept with you more than once he doesnt have a problem with the size of your breast.

Some guys will stock up on the type of porn for the sex they wish they could have but would never dare ask a girl to do.

Oh and social networking site accounts. guys just want to get as many hott chicks on their page to show off to their friends. it has nothing to do with you or his breast fetish.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 3
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 7:00:07 PM
I am not into men who enjoy porn.

For me sex is an expression of the love felt between the 2 individuals.

Sex is not an extra curricular activity.

It is an expression of love.
 friendseeker23
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 4
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 7:16:46 PM
I am not into men who enjoy porn.

You must be single, U Make It? If your aren't into, nor know any men into porn, why did you feel to post a response on a board requesting informed info regarding men and porn? Just curious.

For me sex is an expression of the love felt between the 2 individuals..

Same here, U, and for most men who watch porn, but men are different than women, and I know when I'm horny I watch some softer porn, or really good stuff that *I* am partial too, LOL. I'm not asking about equating sex and love or vice versa, but thanks, hope you have a great evening.

Sex is not an extra curricular activity. It is an expression of love.

Who said it was? And, who said it wasn't? Take care, good luck and have a Happy Christmas U_make_it.

Thanks poet, I appreciate your answer but look forward to hearing more opinions from more folk "in the know".



 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 5
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 7:34:30 PM

How much does the *kind* of porn that men enjoy has an effect on men's everyday expectations of sexual relationships?


I'm not a guy so I can't answer for 'em but I'll share a funny incident I came across ... One time I was on my ex's computer .. and you know how there is that smart-search drop-down in the address bar of internet explorer browser? ..... well, obviously he hadn't deleted his History on there and as I was typing in "hotmail.com" ... something else came up ..... "hot asian girls orgasm" kept popping up in the drop-down suggestion ........ ... I wasn't sure whether to laugh, be mad or just shrug it off .... (i decide to just ignore it) ....Ironically, one time I slyly suggested we watch porn together and he was like "No. its cheap and filthy" .......

 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 6
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 7:55:26 PM

"No. its cheap and filthy" .......

Only if you're doing it right. Wukka, wukka. (Sorry, caught the Muppet movie last night)
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:20:18 PM
not sure why you're polling for 'men in general' information when you already have information coming in specific to the guy in question.

if you're trying to read tea leaves about 'should i get out now before i get rejected for my small boobs and have my heart broken,' sorry, we're all in the same guarantee-free boat you are, when it comes to relationships.

consider that not every guy who loves NASCAR has to go 200 mph to enjoy driving.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 8
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:21:02 PM
Consider this off topic, but I don't think the topic IS the real question, or early dating or even having sex. OP, trying to WADE through all your apologies was cumbersome, saying it kindly I think that's pertinent is for you to ask yourself why you feel the need/compulsion/obsession with more apologies than I could keep track of.

I think what you don't even know you want to ask, not to the forums, more importantly to yourself. IS...can you compartmentalize sex to be just sex....IMO that's what porn does. It's just sex for enjoying sex. I'm not at all prudish and enjoy sex, but. for me, it's someone I enjoy or think about enjoying intimately. Porn is nameless, faceless, it's just enjoying sex for sex, whoever, whenever or whatever.

It desensitized the intimacy, which for me, is not only desirable but necessary. I've been exposed to porn, did absolutely nothing it was boring. Doesn't trip the trigger..bottom line, you need to know yourself well enough to know whether you can enjoy sex just for sex, or would be compatible with someone else who does.

Your OP is like unwinding a ball of twisted yarn....don't apologize unless you feel sincerely you have something legit to apologize FOR. In your mind, within yourself.
 friendseeker23
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 9
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:28:32 PM
Thanks Christ, I appreciate your comments as a rule, you've helped me out before. Sure I know that this guy has a big boob fetish, but does that mean, yeah ha, the tea leaves. But I guess if say you always watched bisexual porn, does it mean you will only crave and desire bisexual sex? Or, ie, if you have an average or small penis and see that your romantic interest only follows "don the long schlong" on twitter, but she's never complained about you, would you feel like it really mattered, beyond as the deathly(?)poet stated, it is a fantasy? That's all.

And above poster: I was apologizing if I was starting a thread that's been done before but I couldn't find it. I see posters get attacked all the time about do a search, etc. and I did do a search in forums first. I'm not sorry for porn, or for having sex or for searching this guy, that's all, I think...? I don't see any apologies beyond the initial couple of sentences-- the level of psychoanalysis in these forums is about as helpful as IRL, ha.
 Lookingforsalmon
Joined: 8/7/2011
Msg: 10
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:30:15 PM
A guy who is into porn big time is bad news for a relationship. Porn is bad enough at anytime because it ignores the person and focuses on the genitalia; it minimizes the person. My advice would be that if a guy is into porn, his focus is not on loving you as much as it is on screwing you.

That is the best you will get from that guy unless he wakes up and smells the reality of love.
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 11
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:56:59 PM

You must be single, U Make It? If your aren't into, nor know any men into porn, why did you feel to post a response on a board requesting informed info regarding men and porn? Just curious.

That was incredibly rude. First off, U Make It was exercising her RIGHT to post in this forum because it is not against the rules. What IS against the rules, is POLARIZING a thread, which you clearly did. Anyone can post. The only ones that cannot post are the men asking questions in Ask A Guy.
Maybe you watch so much porn that you feel a lack of confidence on the premise that you THINK all men want women like this. Could be you have no faith in your partner.

Sincerely, it is your business about how long you could wait for sex when you just started seeing a man-----it is highly unlikely you know very much about him. Just don't watch so much porn that it desensitizes you to what is f****** and making love. Just saying.
 carptopus
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 12
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:08:01 PM

How much does the *kind* of porn that men enjoy has an effect on men's everyday expectations of sexual relationships?

I would think it would be the other way around (everyday expectations influence what type of porn is sought), and depending on the frequency of interaction with porn or porn experiences it becomes a feedback loop of escalating "depravity" leading to other areas. Like he started out "normal" but watched porn 2+ hours a day for years without a relationship and at the point he entered into a relationship with you he just happened to be at a big boob phase since all the other porn types aren't eliciting the same thrill.

So to me there are a bunch of things to consider.
Not least of all is does he actually use his Twitter account, or did he just see a porn, saw their names and looked them up online, then sign up to see if they send out anything in order to get a cheap thrill....3 years ago or 3 days ago.
 friendseeker23
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 13
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:17:32 PM
You are absolutely correct Lolita and I apologize to U Make It for being rude in regard to her post. I understand that about the forums, but it does get frustrating when you know the thread will close and only comments will be irrelevant (including my replies); however, in reality they all are anyway, and I just broke down from too much alone time in my head and thought it was a valid question. I haven't had a date, or sex especially, with a man I felt connected to in such a strong way after being divorced after 15 for almost 3 years and dating appx 13 men, none of whom I desired to have sex with at all. I've just never dated and went with the idea that for some early is good for some it is not.

I KNOW that not all men want giant boob women. there are all kinds of desires out there. When I watch porn, which is rare, but it happens, I look for women who look more like myself, so no, I can't stand really big boobs regardless of real or fake, so there's a good point you make there about lack of faith, that I don't like the way they look aesthetically, so I would prefer he didn't also. It also has a lot to do with an insecurity that I believed I had overcome.

I know it is my business about how long I wait to make love to a man. I just never know how to frame a post here, so I'm just not going to ask any more questions.

: )

Best to all.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 14
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:21:24 PM
I wouldn't worry about it much.

Just cause a guy has a thing for big boobs, doesn't mean that's an exclusive thing. I'd probably follow red headed porn stars if I had to pick - but that doesn't mean I don't find blondes and brunettes attractive. I generally like smaller boobs myself, but there are plenty of beautiful women with bigger ones that I'd consider myself lucky to be with.
 friendseeker23
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 15
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:26:36 PM

How much does the *kind* of porn that men enjoy has an effect on men's everyday expectations of sexual relationships?
I would think it would be the other way around (everyday expectations influence what type of porn is sought), and depending on the frequency of interaction with porn or porn experiences it becomes a feedback loop of escalating "depravity" leading to other areas. Like he started out "normal" but watched porn 2+ hours a day for years without a relationship and at the point he entered into a relationship with you he just happened to be at a big boob phase since all the other porn types aren't eliciting the same thrill.
So to me there are a bunch of things to consider.
Not least of all is does he actually use his Twitter account, or did he just see a porn, saw their names and looked them up online, then sign up to see if they send out anything in order to get a cheap thrill....3 years ago or 3 days ago.


Thank you Carptopus, although of course that is what I wanted to hear, LOL, I also understand that cycle personally, which I was tangentially touching on above in my response. He has not had a relationship for four years or so and only bad dead-end dates from what we've discussed. I know for the first two sexless years after my divorce I was insane in regard to some of the lengths I would go to for "safe" sex, etc. and what kinds of porn I would watch. But yes, he does use it, although very sparingly, and has had it for awhile, and he has posted on it since we met and in response to "beautiful pictures," so I do know he still looks, but it has only been a bit over a month so... and we talked so much about having sex and planned for it because of our fears of having "losing it by not using it" LOL. OK there I go with TMI. I'm still going to let it go and ride it out.

thanks all.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 16
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:32:39 PM
I would have concerns about the maturity level of a man who felt the need to add unknown porn stars to his twitter account. I would also have concerns if he actually knew them as well :)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 17
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:32:50 PM
Porn is fantasy simple as that. It has no bearing with real life intimacy unless you want to share with your significant other.
 jmy2x
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 18
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 9:45:02 PM

Porn is fantasy simple as that. It has no bearing with real life intimacy unless you want to share with your significant other.


Exactly. And following porn stars on Twitter is just another way of constructing that fantasy. The sort of porn that a guy watches tells you very little about what he wants in the bedroom.




That was incredibly rude. First off, U Make It was exercising her RIGHT to post in this forum because it is not against the rules. What IS against the rules, is POLARIZING a thread, which you clearly did. Anyone can post. The only ones that cannot post are the men asking questions in Ask A Guy.


Yeah fine, anyone has a right to post here, whatever. But it's inconsiderate for a woman to use up one of the 20 allowed posts in this thread to say something irrelevant when OP wants a man's opinion. It's even ruder for a woman to waste one of the 20 posts by browbeating another poster about the forum rules. There seems to be an unusual amount of this going on today.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 19
oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 10:04:02 PM

Yeah fine, anyone has a right to post here, whatever. But it's inconsiderate for a woman to use up one of the 20 allowed posts in this thread to say something irrelevant when OP wants a man's opinion. It's even ruder for a woman to waste one of the 20 posts by browbeating another poster about the forum rules. There seems to be an unusual amount of this going on today.


Sort of makes you wonder why the OP would use up 4 posts out of the 21 to answer back posts that she feels were irrelevant.

I would wonder why a man would ask porn stars to befriend him on twitter.
Seems to me he has a real obsession.
I would stay away from a man like that.

As I stated earlier ...
I'm not interested in a man who is into that shit.
Had a husband who obsessed with it
So yea ... I had an opinion.

As for asking only a mans opinion ... that's not following the the forum rules is it?

Was that necessary to post?
WTF is your problem?
Are you having a bad day?
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 20
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 10:12:15 PM
I see this question as a totally "ask a guy" question...

and agree with umakeitentertaing in post 3...... so not able to relate.
But it's interesting to read the responses from the guys. I had breasts removed and doing recon now, so the breast topic is interesting to me.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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oops, porn & early dating question
Posted: 12/17/2011 10:29:44 PM
Every time porn comes up as a public subject of discussion, it triggers the same set of pre-programmed responses in any given group of people. Those responses always tend to get in the way of actually talking about whatever actual question was asked, and that happened here as well, save only for Half-time and C on a C.

I decided to try to look up some actual information, to see I could find any actual studies of the OP's real question. The gist of what I'v read, suggests that, as with so many tings having to do with human behavior, that there isn't a simple one-to-one correlation between one thing and another.

One of the interesting articles I saw is this one:

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/02/hes_just_not_that_into_anyone.html,

mainly because the author talks about how many guys don't and can't really use porn as a substitute for a relationship, because the way the mind works with one, isn't the same way it works with the other.

Anyway, that's a long way of getting around to adding my vote to C-on-a-C, that if you take a single look at a single episode of a guy's online life, and try to draw any reliable conclusion about the guy from it, you will most likely be leading yourself astray.

On the other hand, if you watch the guy over a longer period of time, you MIGHT learn something, but it might not even then be what you THINK it is, owing to the complexity of any person's mind.

After all, to draw another simile, many people eat certain foods on a given holiday, not because they LIKE those foods, but because they have long-standing ASSOCIATIONS between them, and a sense of satisfaction and emotional comfort. I would expect porn to show the same sort of link, because in all such cases, we are talking about the same CREATURES.

As for myself, there's what I IMAGINE would be the perfect woman for me, and there's who I have fallen for in my life. They don't match up one to one. From what I've witnessed, most people, male and female alike, live the same experience. In fact, from what I've seen, when two people DO get together, based on an exact matching of their fantasies with the realities, the most common thing to happen is, they remain only superficially involved with each other. It's as though making the fantasy real, reduces the reality of the experience for them.

Going astray again. Final answer to your question is: MAYBE!
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