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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Putting a relationship on hold? Possible      Home login  
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 tidecats
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 1
Putting a relationship on hold? PossiblePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have been doing some research on relationships. Someone pointed out. If you do the same actions and expect a different result. Thats the definition of insanity. Paraphrasing of course.

As ive looked at forums on several site. One thing seems common.. People seem to have different opions on the famous line. I need to take a break, or lets put this on hold.

I think is date-speak for Im just not that into you. Let me look around and i Might get back to you.

Does this forum agree or disagree, or are there legit reasons to take a break from a good relationship

Happy Holidays
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:07:38 PM
In my opinion most people don't take a break from good relationship.
Unless they are commitment phobes.

Generally....it isn't good for them in some way....
so taking a break is the new gentler kinder way to dump someone.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:32:48 PM

I think is date-speak for Im just not that into you. Let me look around and i Might get back to you.


I disagree. I don't think there is any intention of getting back to you.

I do agree that people don't take breaks from good relationships that are going well. They just don't want to tell the other that they don't wish to see them anymore.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 4
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:45:44 PM
I've never seen anyone put a relationship on hold and have it work out. If you have to put it on hold, there's something wrong with the relationship.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 5
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:46:18 PM
In my opinion most people don't take a break from good relationship.


In my opinion they do....if there is something in their past or from their past which has resurfaced in their current lives which could not only damage the relationship; but the person whom they really care about. *

Perhaps the one who put it on hold needs to bring that which they are working on into the relationship, in order to treat the person they are putting on hold as well....as they, the 'putter on holder' feels that other person deserves to be treated. Some core strengths and "wins" which people like to bring home to the one they love.....takes alot of work*; and we all know that people like to feel 'worthy of their relationship'

I understand this.

P.s. You're right; it's what people do when the relationship is not, or is about to not be going well. Those who keep their eyes on their prize.....do go back.

"putter on holder" counts as proper english.....stamped it no takebacks
 tidecats
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 6
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:52:23 PM
What about in the case of work,family issues,etc. I know for me. Im back in school. Working full time. I know that i couldnt dedicate the time to a serious relationship. I can see me looking back and see a couple that had potential. If they are still out there and interested. I could see it.

I think there would be only a few valid reasons for putting a good relationship on hold. Maybe im a realist more than a romantic.
 carptopus
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 7
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 7:57:04 PM

are there legit reasons to take a break from a good relationship

IMO yes. There are legit reasons.
Like if a close or direct family member dies.
Or a kid is having some sort of major problem.
Or you are part of FEMA and there is a levee problem in New Orleans.

I believe there are legit reasons to say "something in my life has come up where I can't put focus on you." And it can come out as "I need to take a break from dating you, or I need to put this on hold for a bit while this other stuff has to take precedence."

They are rare though.
I'd say 99%+ of the time it's just a BS line.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 8
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:04:07 PM
What about in the case of work,family issues,etc.

What about it? What would you do if you were married and one of those things came up?

Working full time. I know that i couldnt dedicate the time to a serious relationship.

Well, I worked full time in college and had a girlfriend from age 18-24. I lived with her most of those 6 years. My Dad and mom had 3 of us to take care of and my dad worked full time as an engineer and went to law school at night and my mother worked full time.. If you're committed to a relationship, you work together to achieve common goals. If you aren't ready to do that, it's best to not get into a relationship in the first place.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 9
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:04:55 PM
Well if YOU put them on hold and want to go back....
that is different.
Your call.
You're in control of that.
why even ask us?

I was referring when someone puts you on on hold.
Generally if you hear that.
it's done.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 10
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:17:49 PM
Maybe she's not the one.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 11
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:22:32 PM
If you love something..........set it free.

(If it comes back to you.....)

*shrugs*

Gotta be worth something <---I really dont know what......but...

 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 12
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:38:08 PM
My general thought is that a relationship needs to be moving forward or moving on....

However, as I've submitted in another post... there are people that we come into contact with that we know, giving the right circumstances, we could have a reasonable chance of a decent relationship with. The problem is mostly one of timing. One or the other is in a relationship, or recovering from the loss of one, or otherwise emotionally or materially unavailable.

I suppose, dear OP, that people who are close to being ready for each other may do very well to take a step back until they can correct whatever is not yet resolved...

... and then it's full speed ahead.

The stuff of poetry and songs and romance stories...

Wonderful when they do come true.
 helpmehelpyou01
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 13
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/22/2011 8:49:51 PM
I don't think you can truly put a relationship on hold. As someone else posted you a relationship should be in a state of growth, you can't just 'pause' everything and expect the other party not to be anxious about what's going on.

I do think though that sometimes people do need space to clear their heads. In that aspect that person is working on growing themself for the betterment of the relationship, or at least to get a clearer perspective on what they want from life. People do need a little bit of extra space and time apart from people from time to time, sometimes not even for a particular reason, but just because they like to have alone time.

So I think what I'm trying to say, is you cannot tell someone that I'm putting you on hold, and if I feel like it I will come back to you. And if they did come back to you the other party must feel a bit hurt for being put off for a while. I do think though a couple can for a while spend less time together to 'catch their breath' and then come back feeling better about things.

Does that make any sense?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 14
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:05:53 AM
If you put a relationship on hold, then you are willing to take the chance that they wont be there when you are 'ready'. That says a lot. To me that says the relationship is something you are willing to gamble with, therefor, you are not in it forever...which doesnt bode well for the relationship.

Yes, it is possible that the two can re join and live on together...but it is not likely. I know I would have a hrad time committing to someone who thought it would be a good idea to put me on a shelf for awhile.

Life keeps moving-if you shelf me, you are taking it for granted that someone else isnt going to want me, or try to catch my attention. You cannot expect that when you shelf me that Im going to hide from all other men and not continue to live. What if I discover I can live just fine without you? In fact, what if I discover that my life is far less complicated without you? That is the risk you take when you shelf me. If you are 100% comfortable taking that risk, Id have to wonder what you are doing with me at all.

I totally understand the need for space, and that sometimes a life event can shake you up. However, if we are in a relationship you should feel I am an ally, in your corner. You should not feel that you would fare better alone for awhile. This is the crux really-if you feel you dont need me to help you weather the storm, then it is probably better we seperate. For good.
 hotmerlot
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 15
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:16:09 AM
You can't put people on hold unless you work in a call center because it pisses them off. I think it's the elevator music that drives them crazy.

And how would you even do this? "Honey, I love you and we have a great relationship. But I'm a little busy right now. Could you just sit here and wait for me and I'll be back in a couple of months?"
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 16
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 9:02:05 AM
I don't believe that taking a break from a good relationship can ever be a good idea. However, it might have some benefit for a troubled relationship.

One common problem I've seen is that one person wishes to take a break while still holding on to their partner. That is, they're not quite willing or ready to let go completely, and not willing to hold on completely. If their partner accepts this condition, you then have something that's called "Relationship Purgatory (or Limbo)."

A surprising number of people - at least surprising to me - are in this position. Their partner is on a "walkabout" or just isn't sure about committing or doesn't know when they can get together again ("We're gonna to get together soon, son, we're gonna have a great time then," as the song goes), and they wait...and wait...and wait. I've been there, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You wait because you love the person and believe you have something special worth waiting for.

I've almost never seen this work out for the waiting partner - it certainly didn't for me - so my recommendation is not to waste months or years waiting for someone to make up their minds about you. Exit the relationship and look for someone who truly wants to be with you.

 Highflyingadored
Joined: 3/18/2006
Msg: 17
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 9:13:44 AM
Well if you happen to be a Narcissist, you disappear without saying anything to your partner then resurface days/weeks/months later without giving any explanation. Takes all sorts to make a world
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 10:01:19 AM
I can see it happening if a single person is popular and dating other people or has a FWB and is dating someone who has potential to be Mr/Ms Perfect and can't decide if he/she should dump the other person(s). So the person wants to have one last fling with the runner-ups before deciding who will stick out as the cream of the crop and put the potential Perfect One on hold until the final verdict is in. Whether the person who is put on hold will wait around until judgement day is another issue. I think this is a common tactic for the "I am a princess" women and the "I am God's gift to women" men.

When it happens once in a committed relationship, it usually means "I am not into you any longer". Taking a break from the relationship usually reaffirms the feeling.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 19
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 10:38:13 AM
When I hear the words, "maybe we should take a break" or some form thereof......

it means to me that he is walking out the door and saying he is finished......so he is.....I don't wait around for anyone.

If he even tries to come back....of which I have had several of those situations, I pretty much tell them to hit the bricks as I just don't do any renditions of the on/off again shit.........NO exceptions.



 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 20
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 10:52:15 AM
Well if you happen to be a Narcissist, you disappear without saying anything to your partner then resurface days/weeks/months later without giving any explanation. Takes all sorts to make a world.


Yep, i agree, this is narcissist territory, whether they tell ya or not not things are on hold. Ya gotta "feel" your emotions and those of your partner to keep a relationship going. Although 2 narcissists could probably pull this one off.
 rec_diver
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 21
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 10:55:04 AM
If one person wants to take a break, it usually means (among other things) that their needs are not being met and/or their partner has issues that they are considering to be a potential dealbreaker or they've got someone else on the side and they're planning on making the swap (or at least doing a comparison between the two of you) or they've got personal issues that are making it difficult for them to concentrate on being involved with another person.

There's a really good chance that by then, it's all over for all practical purposes, and the "break" is a nice way of saying "I'm dumping you but doing it in tortuously slow way to drag it out and cause you more pain because I'm a coward and cannot tell you to your face that it's over".

But.. you just might have a chance at making a save if you finally LISTEN to what they've been complaining to you about the past few months and do something about it. Begging them for another chance is not "doing something about it".

 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 10:59:57 AM
As everyone is individually pointing out, this isn't a single question. Perhaps it's better to say that different people mean entirely different things when they use the phrase "on hold" in association with a relationship. Both "hold," and "relationship" need to be defined specifically, just to talk about it.

I too have seen it be a fake, "escape cover story" for someone who is on their way to someone else's arms, and just wants the other person to quietly stand still while they leave, so they talk about putting things on hold, or taking a break, or going on hiatus. What they REALLY mean in that case is more like "I want to get far enough away from you that I can feel safe from your emotional reaction to figuring out that I've already left you."

But then, there are times in our lives, when everything is moving very fast, and so much is going on, that we have to make SOMETHING stand still, long enough for us t figure out what we want, and why we want it. That's the sort of thing that CAN be a genuine reason to take a break, or "out things on hold." The examples of having to simultaneously deal with a huge life-affecting change, such as the loss of a parent, while in the midst of trying to build a romantic relationship is an excellent one to examine. In that sort of case, the person suffering the loss, would want to be able to separate out their emotional responses, and be sure that they weren't clinging to the other one for comfort alone, or out of fear, or for any other "wrong" reasons one might do so.

As femaleconnection pointed out, the person who needs to take the break, MUST accept as a part of that, that things are NOT really "on hold" at all. Everyone will continue to evolve through their lives, and there is no way for the other person to be ABLE to promise not to be gone when the first one returns. Even someone who HOPES to wait patiently, would have to be prescient to be SURE that they would not change, or discover during the "hold" time, that they really DIDN'T want to be there when the hold was done.

The main thing to keep in mind, for the one proposing the hold, is that people are not even mildly similar to VCR's and DVD players. There IS no such thing as a "hold" button on anyone.

When it comes to the definitions of the words, "hold" can mean pause, or stop, and can refer to a predictable waiting period, or to one that might be a minute, or years. "Relationship" has more than one meaning here too. In a purely BUSINESS type relationship, or a basic friendship, taking a break can be very easy to do. You can leave the country for a sojourn overseas, and return and take up as friends or business acquaintances fairly easily.

On the next level, comes what someone was describing where someone just needs some alone time, or meditation time, or regrouping time. Lots of lovers and married folks survive this sort of hold multiple times, mainly because it's not the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP that's on hold, it's just some aspect of it, such as "no sex while she's in the process of giving birth."

But when it reaches the level such as described in recent movies like "Hall Pass," or the "walkabout" someone mentioned, things are really high stakes. I have never experienced being in a serious relationship, and wanting to take THAT kind of break. I either wanted out, or wanted things to get better. The idea of having an affair which would "make the lover realize just how much they really do want to be in the marriage" has always struck me as too annoying to have anything to do with.
 tidecats
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 23
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:12:07 PM
That was an awesome post. I think I choose the words poorly.

I think there is a big difference of putting a relation on hold, and taking a break, or even breaking it off due to personal reasons.

I know we all want to be romantic and think that in stressful times we pull our significant others closer. I think in real life sometimes we dont have time for them during the stressful time. Is it unfair to tell someone that Right Now im no good for you. I cant devote the time to you that you deserve. Is it unfair to say. I hope when the amoke clears your still avaible. If not i wish you well.

Thats not asking them to wait for you. That to me is being honest.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 24
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:29:51 PM

Right Now im no good for you. I cant devote the time to you that you deserve. Is it unfair to say. I hope when the amoke clears your still avaible. If not i wish you well.

Thats not asking them to wait for you. That to me is being honest.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You just said.
I have other things I want to do that are more important to me than you are.
Que Sera Sera




Please.
 tidecats
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 25
Putting a relationship on hold? Possible
Posted: 12/23/2011 1:43:55 PM
I would disagree. What i just said was. I cant devote enuff time to you.

Example. Full time student. Working two jobs. Its not fair to you.

In a way making a living and furthering your carrier may say to some. That your not as important...
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