| | Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?Page 1 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | | Okay so I’m wondering if it is just me and the kind of men I attract or are guys in today’s world becoming more passive or maybe I’m expecting too much. Now I’m not saying I want someone who will always want to fight with me, but I do want someone who thinks for himself and doesn’t just agree with me to agree with me or stay in my good graces, but I seem to keep running into guys who fall into that camp. I feel like I am running the whole relationship and I don’t like that. I’m always the one deciding what movie to go to where to eat at if we’ll go out or stay in. They agree with most of the things I say, I know it seems kind of small and petty but I mean it just feels like they’re just not into it. When I ask what do you want to do I just get “whatever you would like” as the reply, which is okay occasionally but not all the time. I don’t know exactly how to describe it but it almost feels like I’m in a relationship with a programmable robot and maybe that’s what some women want but I want someone who has thoughts and ideas of their own. Do I just have too high expectation of what a relationship should be like, or are guys just becoming so passive in the modern dating world that they really don’t care and will do whatever the woman wants? | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/6/2012 10:39:54 PM | These days you need to make your views known, as a woman.
I'm not an alpha male, I don't think. I also don't think I'm a beta male. What I do know is that you can't just go around being a****-it doesn't work, and it tends to be counter-productive. Macho-ism is not rewarded as much as it used to be, even by women that might like that sort of thing.
The result is that if a woman wants me to get up in arms all the time and defend her honor, I am more than happy to do so--but she needs to make it clear that that's what she wants. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/6/2012 10:54:13 PM | | I don't necessarily want a guy who will stand up for my honor I can do that fine on my own. I just don't want to be controlling and directing everything in the relationship. I want him to tell me if he's mad at me, hell if I've done something stupid or ****y yell at me or at least tell me so instead of just saying “oh well that's okay.” Or him to make the plans instead of me always doing it and him just saying “yeah that's fine,” even when Its something he does not like. It’s one thing to occasionally let things go or to do something you don’t necessarily care for to make someone else happy. But I seem to be running into men who give into me all the time and strangely enough it annoys the hell out of me. Maybe I’m just nuts…lol | |
|
| |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:03:37 PM | | What are you expecting here? I have to wonder if its some kind of make up of what your past relationships were such. Are your that take charge always want to take control? Even if under the radar in your side. I dunno on the high expectation part, you should feel involved, and feeling valued. But really what are your searching for?! Do you want Mr.suck it now, wheres my dinner woman! | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:27:40 PM |
. Now I’m not saying I want someone who will always want to fight with me, but I do want someone who thinks for himself and doesn’t just agree with me to agree with me or stay in my good graces, but I seem to keep running into guys who fall into that camp. I feel like I am running the whole relationship and I don’t like that. I’m always the one deciding what movie to go to where to eat at if we’ll go out or stay in. They agree with most of the things I say, I know it seems kind of small and petty but I mean it just feels like they’re just not into it. When I ask what do you want to do I just get “whatever you would like” as the reply, which is okay occasionally but not all the time.
If you replace the "him" with "her", you just described the kind of women I was meeting, back when I was still dating.
It's not just men, but it's people in general that are becoming more passive. | |
|
| |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:42:15 PM |
Do I just have too high expectation of what a relationship should be like, or are guys just becoming so passive in the modern dating world that they really don’t care and will do whatever the woman wants?
I think at first a man truly cares what a woman wants, but as they age and realize it's a "losing" battle, and you can't really win no matter what you do, it's then they are resigned to "passiveness".  | |
|
| |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 12:19:31 AM | | I would suggest a profile review... Because if this is the guys your meeting off here.. Well a night out at the bar profile pics.. Bee's to honey... Course ya live in the German drinking town. Out grew your local local? | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 4:30:37 AM | | Be careful what you ask for. If you want a guy to always have his own thoughts and ideas--and not just go along with what you want--then you may inevitably be forced to recognize how very dissimilar the two of you actually are, which can set off all sorts of negative thought processes in a woman's weird little head. As well, it would only be a matter of time before his "voicing his own thoughts and ideas" begins to come across to you as "he doesn't care about what I want." | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 4:53:39 AM | OP, I think what you're really asking is, why are some men so effeminate? What happens to the male energy (masculinity) that a man is supposed to embody?
My theory is that if a boy grows up without a healthy male role model whom he can look up to and emulate, there is a good chance that he will grow up without knowing what being a man is supposed to be like. Usually, the father is by default the role model so look closely at the relationship these men have with their fathers. Do they speak highly of their dads? Were their dads active in their life, especially during their formative years? And then watch how these guys interact with other men who are their peers. Is there much male bonding going on? Do they feel uncomfortable, even ashamed when they are around men who are overtly masculine?
Some of these passive men will eventually become the proverbial Nice Guys. They will resort to passive-aggressive behaviors and covert contracts to manipulate and navigate their relationship with women.
If you keep running into these passive men in your relationship, most likely it is because they have traits that you subconsciously find attract. May be it's their easygoing nature, their non-threatening demeanor or their self-deprecating humor. If you want someone more masculine, you'll have to accept that initially, you may find him too opinionated, too hotheaded or too domineering. It is a tricky duality that only you know how to balance.
For further reading, pick up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. This is not a book just for Nice Guys, it is also for women who want to understand why some men behave more like your girl-friends than a boyfriend. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 5:25:42 AM | It's a function of age. Young guys are like all young creatures, they pour huge amounts of energy into what they do. The amount of energy often fools the person watching into thinking that the guy cares or desires that deeply, but it's really just that they ARE young, and have more energy than they can contain. If you can see clearly, you will notice that younger folks even take the GARBAGE out energetically. They are not in love with the garbage though.
The older guys get, the more likely they are to have been required to put more of their energy into other things, like proving to their boss every damn day that they still want their job, or tending to the tremendous extra stuff we all have to handle when we have mortgages to pay, cars to maintain, and refrigerators to keep stocked. They also usually start to realize as you should, that the particular "princess" in front of them is far from the only one in the kingdom, so they have no reason to panic and put all their eggs into THIS situation.
You are in your late twenties, early thirties, which is the normal time this apparent wind down happens to every generation.
So no, it's not that men in general are becoming more passive, it's that you are now at the time slice of your life when things change as I described. This is why some women decide to take the Cougar route, and chase younger guys. The trouble is, they'll also find that those younger guys will ALSO become like the older ones, as they progress through their lives. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 5:29:29 AM | Obviously, you don't get it....why don't you reverse it and see if women are being too passive. You agree to go to the sporting goods store with me......do you really care which one? That's right....you could care less, because you are going just to spend time with me.....that's called compromise. Do you think I'm even going to ask you what sporting goods store YOU prefer?.....hell no, we are going to the store of MY choice. Would you even be going to a sporting goods without me ?....I didn't think so.
I could care less what movie you want to see, or what you want to eat, because I wouldn't be going for myself anyway......doing it just for you. Actually, we are far less passive, because when we deside we are going to a lake or mountian and invite you along....I'm not even offering you a choice.....we are going to the lake of my choice or there isn't going to be a "we" that day. | |
|
114M3
| | Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 15 | |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 5:48:06 AM | never had that problem. in my last relationship it was actually the opposite. He'd speak his mind on just about anything... he could go ballistic at just about anything too .... then after realizing what an azz he'd been, he'd sheepishly apologize later .... after a while of this craziness, enough was enough and I threw in the towel.
Be careful what you wish for OP .. cos I think it's just you. | |
|
| |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:22:40 AM | Some great points out there worth reading through!
I would like to add that passivity is relative to the two people involved. If you have a super shy person for example, even the slightest of actions could be considered too aggressive. On the other hand, if you have someone who is semi aggressive themselves, then it would take a guy who is very aggressive to register on their radar. A guy who is actually normal in his actions would appear to be passive, since he is being judged by a person expecting more.
With that being said, I am far more comfortable being the pursuer in a relationship and in fact often can be over aggressive at times. I seem to cross the line from persistent to pushy sometimes, even if not by much. It is one thin line for sure!
I do not mean to be over aggressive, but it just happens. My intentions were definitely good but they came off the wrong way at perhaps the wrong time as well. But either way, if I am interested in someone truly, I will definitely show it somehow and it will hardly register as passive with just about anyone.
But since this balance point varies from person to person, getting it just right is not easy. I will get it right someday :-) | |
|
| |
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:37:38 AM | this is a lack of "polarity" as described by author David Deida...to have a successful relationship there needs to be masculine & feminine energy otherwise you have just a wishy-washy mess | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:45:11 AM |
this is a lack of "polarity" as described by author David Deida...to have a successful relationship there needs to be masculine & feminine energy otherwise you have just a wishy-washy mess
Well isn't this something that is slowly happening because of the evolution of the new and improved way of thinking for women,,,,,ooops,,,,"some" women. Does the good author state if it matters who's carrying this masucline and feminine "energy"???? Could be the problem here,,,,the young man just could be one of those guys that isn't all that aggresive in his behaviour. Some guys get like that after having their balls busted once or twice.
Oh,,and for once, I'm not trying to be smartbum here. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:50:52 AM |
Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
IMO there is a lot of things here that could be discussed.
I mean part of the answer to this question lies in the consequences of urban sprawl and cheap gas.
Do I just have too high expectation of what a relationship should be like
IMO you should not have expectations of what a relationship should be like.
IMO you should have knowledge of what you want to be like, and knowing that if you want to be around someone who is who you know they are based on your interaction with them.
The whole mental vs conceptual model.
Rely more on the conceptual model (direct interaction and learning/intuiting) from that than the mental model which is how you think it should behave based on past experience.
Or IOW communicate to him how you think it "should" go from the start, point out where and when it doesn't, and learn from the interaction, let the interaction define the relationship.
are guys just becoming so passive in the modern dating world that they really don’t care and will do whatever the woman wants?
People are becoming more passive.
This thread is evidence of that.
If you were actually communicating this and your problems with the guys in question directly you wouldn't really need to come to strangers.
Not to mention there isn't all that much information on what's going on here.
I mean for all I know you are really clingy.
So they want to go out on Saturday night. And ask you out on Saturday night.
But then you call Sunday through Friday asking them to go out, when they are just as happy to go out only on Saturday.
But they know you, and know you will start nagging "what's wrooooooong? Don't you like me? Why do you only want to go out with me once a week? What'd I dooooo?" or something to that effect, or you will just dump them, so they are like "fck. I like them. But I don't really want to do this every night, but I don't really want to lose them, but I don't want to be dumped, and I don't want the nagging, so if they want to go out, whatever, let them figure out what we are doing."
So they may just be still learning about who you are, or they are passive aggressive rather than just passive. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:51:59 AM | Does the good author state if it matters who's carrying this masucline and feminine "energy"????
Would be good to know what specific book of David Deida she was referring to before we could analyze that further. I did not interpret it as someone carrying it, but more that it has to exist in some from on either side. Perhaps the more the male/female energies balance each other, the healthier and more fulfilling the relationship would be? Sounds similar to a lot of enlightenment teachings. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:54:49 AM | there are some opinions & attitudes that certain beleifs are archaic/but when it comes to sexuality & romance there will be a more balanced relationship when one partner has the masculine energy & one the feminine...
up until several years ago, i did not know about this...i took a class in evolutionary psychology & my professor gave me a list of her fav reads, Helen Fisher, David Deida & others...
it really helped me in my real life interactions w/ both men & women | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:56:20 AM | | ^^^ ^ Once or twice? LOL. Truthfully, if you're a gentleman. And we are. Women have the final say anyways. They make the call. They have what we want. Not only from a sexual standpoint but emotionally as well. So, kick back, let them steer. You're right, Walt, that's just the way things have evolved. | |
|
| Just Me...Or are men becoming more Passive?
Posted: 1/7/2012 6:57:49 AM | I can see how a girl in the OP's position might be afraid of getting hurt by a guy like that. When you have feelings for someone, it's unsettling to see signs they might not feel as much for you. Maybe that's what she's getting at when she says it "feels like they're just not into it." When you can't get a very good sense of what your partner really feels about anything, it's hard to know how much they've got invested in you.
I'm careful not to let myself get upset about slights when I'm first getting to know a woman. Better just to ignore it. But with your squeeze, you should be able to say what you like or don't like. A little disagreement with someone you're crazy about isn't the end of the world. A few minutes later, you may be kissing.
It's also not very romantic for a guy to act like the OP's describing. If the girl's always the one making plans, how interested can he be, and where does she get the feeling of really being desired? And no, it's not all guys who do that--just the lame ones. But I'm afraid the girls who stay with them can only expect more of the same, because they're not demanding anything better. | |
|
Home
login 
