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 Tibby182
Joined: 10/7/2011
Msg: 1
Why deny?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I suspected then found out my husband was cheating. When i told him part of what i knew, although not how i had found out, he still denied it. I left him as we could not work things through with him denying. Now he wont let go. 1) why is he denying it? 2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wonts me back or how do i get him to move on.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:28:51 PM
I can't tell you why HE is, but I can tell you that the single most common recommendation given to would be cheaters has always been...deny, deny, deny.

It's in at least one movie, and a couple of comedy routines I've seen by famous comics on TV. The movie was A Guide for the Married Man, starring Robert Morse, and Walter Mathau (1967). It's worth a viewing, when you feel better.

Divorce lawyers that defend cheaters also recommend to deny, deny deny, from what I've heard, because to admit, at least used to cause the cheater to lose most of their money.

But at the bottom of it all, I suspect it boils down to the fact that most cheaters are immature, selfish three-year-olds at their core, and when asked, will ALWAYS claim that anything they did that might be seen as wrong was someone else's fault.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 3
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:29:48 PM
1) why is he dinying it?

Because he's stupid! Because he heard that somewhere. There was a movie years ago, the wife came home and found her husband in bed with a woman. While she stood there acusing him, they both got up, got dressed, made the bed and the woman left. All during that time, he kept saying 'who are you talking about?', 'what woman?' and on and on.

I can't tell you how to get him out, go see a lawyer. Next what proof do you have?
 Jimbonator62
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 4
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:30:33 PM
Based on my own experience with a cheater they deny as a form of defense and it won't stop. As far as working things out or moving on, you either need to accept that you'll never get the full truth or you need to call it quits and move on. It's not him you need to motivate to move on, it's you.
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 5
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:38:09 PM
If I listen ....long enough to you ...I'll begin ...to believe that its all true !
Rod Steward
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 6
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:53:35 PM
Cheating is one.of the most hurtful.things.than can happen in a marriage. So sorry this happened to you. Its been just over 10 years for me and when I think about it, which I rarely.do, I can still feel the pain.
 Boots168
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 7
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:57:14 PM
1) why is he denying it?

"Why Deny"? Well short answer is, some people (i.e. your husband) wants to have his cake and eats it.


2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wants me back or how do i get him to move on.

If you truly love him and you are someone who puts "love conquers all' into practice, well give him another chance? Otherwise, instead of getting *him* to move on, you are the one who needs to break free from the whole thing. And you know what you've got to do to end things already.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 8
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:02:13 PM
Does the "why" really matter?
The bottom line is-
do you want your husband back or not?
Can you live with him as he is, for who he is:-- in denial, with possibly another infidelity in the future? Can you let this incident go, even without getting him to tell you "why"?
That's really the only thing you need to ask yourself.
If you can accept that with him, continue your marriage as is.
If you want things different with him, get marriage counseling and make it happen.
If you just can't do it with him anymore, cut ties (divorce) and make things final.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 9
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:15:58 PM
If youre convinced you "know" he was cheating you would be better served by asking yourself whether or not thats a deal breaker

if it is then none of this is even relevant

If on the other hand you DONT have enough proof to "know" he was cheating, but enough to suspect it then he could be denying it because he wasnt cheating

But then you would have left him based on assumptions and supposition. So personally I'd be classing it as a lucky escape


If on the other hand (yep, I do have three hands (dont ask)) you did have enough proof to know he was cheating and are STILL considering taking him back then yet again none of this is really relevant unless taking him back is conditionally based on him answwering one of both of the questions


2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wonts me back or how do i get him to move on


That is just insanity incarnate

Pick one THEN try and formulate a plan
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 10
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 4:31:09 PM
You don't "get" him to move on. You just move on yourself. Ignore him. Block his calls or get a new number, have no contact with him, make your own life without him. Just move on.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:15:58 PM
If you were in his shoes, would you not be asking yourself,,,"why not"?????? It can't hurt him,,,he's already in big ca ca. Or is he???? Why do you care why????? Have ya asked why he cheated to?????

The only thing my ex got when I found out about her cheating was her suitcase on the front step,and directions to her new boyfriend's place. Boy was HE mad.
 ixtlan09
Joined: 12/12/2010
Msg: 12
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:21:10 PM
Listen, you can tell the most incredible, unbelievable story in the world and as long as you stick to your guns there is a chance someone might believe you. Once you change your story? Well, then everyone knows you were lying.
 ipiano
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 13
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:22:41 PM

1) why is he denying it?


Because he has been a Bad Dog, got caught shitting where he eats, and is getting his face rubbed in it.

Less, far less, important than what you need to do about it.


2) either how do i work things out, as he says he wonts me back or how do i get him to move on.


Working things out from here requires therapy. Lots of therapy. It will also involve him admitting it, which we won't do, so it makes therapy moot.

You don't get HIM to move on, sweetie, YOU move on. Get yourself a box of tissues, a bottle of wine, and a good lawyer.

My ex denied it up to, and including, our day in court. Even though he brought his girlfriend with him to the courthouse. Even though I had the phone bills with her number on it, and the bank account showing where he had spent stupid ridiculous amounts of money in her hometown, he denied it. With her sitting right there, in the truck next to me, he denied, again, he had cheated and was not seeing anyone. Writing me out my first child support check, with her number on the check, he denied he cheated and was seeing anyone.

Not that I cared at this point, mind you. The denials continued unprovoked until I told him what to shove in his mouth to get him to shut up. The day I hired a lawyer is the day I didn't give two shits about what he did. (But had I given two shits, he would have been the first recipient.)

Get a good lawyer and move on. You won't know why he denied it, you won't know why he did it.

Remember, divorces are expensive because they are worth it.
 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 14
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:29:20 PM
That reminds me of a time when I was paying bills and 900 numbers kept coming up....I asked my ex about it and he said "It wasn't me! Maybe somebody broke in the house and used our phone"

Stupid is as stupid does....
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 15
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:41:54 PM
Ok, ok, I did it, but it was just the once.....now will you get your fanny back home, I'm hungry.
 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 16
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:58:32 PM
Mr. Lion! Naughty naughty boy!! How do you like your steak cooked??
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 17
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:08:54 PM
he's lying because he still loves u.....if he came out and told u the truth he knows that would hurt u. He has already caused pain, he doesnt want to cause more. If he admitted it, then u and he would know that he doesnt love u anymore. He lies because he still cares....SAD BUT TRUE.....
 Drostatus
Joined: 9/15/2011
Msg: 18
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:26:36 PM
ok, first off. there are many reasons why a person would lie, but i am going to narrow it down to 1. fear, either he is afraid of losing you, or afraid of hurting you. When a person is going to cheat, they dont clearly think the matter through. But when caught, fear makes them hide. As selfish as cheating is, at least he cared enough to lie, than admit the truth. i am guessing that at this point he didnt want to hurt you further, because lets be honest. Even if he told the truth, he'd still be hurting you. But the real question isnt why did he cheat, rather, what are you going to do about it? Yes you left him, is that truly what you want. If so its not your job to help him get over it, he made his dirty bed, now he has to sleep in the filth that is his reality. Now if you want to make things work. you have to forgive him, he needs to get some type of professional help that will help him admit the truth. If it isnt willing to admit it than he isnt willing to fix it either.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:29:32 PM
You are wondering why a liar would keep lying?
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 20
Why deny?
Posted: 1/23/2012 7:57:07 PM
Who cares why he denies; that's irrelevant

I'd have to second Landras comment.

You know what and how he is; now do you still want him after that info is yours?

If yes: do your thing and coddle the man and let him pay you back in the "I'm sorry" stuff that cheaters pay to lessen guilt.

If no; divorce or separate from him.

There's your simple answers to a complex information.

Thank Landra; she summed it up real tight and real fast.

 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 21
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:14:03 AM

It's in at least one movie, and a couple of comedy routines I've seen by famous comics on TV. The movie was A Guide for the Married Man, starring Robert Morse, and Walter Mathau (1967). It's worth a viewing, when you feel better.


I love that movie! The best part is where the wife catches the husband and woman in bed and he is denying it the whole time while the woman is getting dressed!

Chris Rock had a routine where wife keeps saying she won't get mad, just admit you cheated. The man finally admit he is cheating and the woman gets even madder. The guy says why you getting mad? And the woman says she wasn't completely sure, but now he's admitted it.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:25:11 AM
What do you want?

You suspected he was cheating, then found evidence to confront him. So why are asking him to be 100% honest now when you are holding back information? Dealing with someone that finds it easier to not tell the truth in order to save face is hard .....but you are doing the same thing.
My suggestion would be to decide exactly what goal you want to achieve out of all of this. Reconciliation, divorce etc. then tell him the truth and ask the same.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:39:02 AM
Does the why really matter now? Somehow I bet you are a part of the why, and all that will do is add to your problems, his, and the situation.

It takes two to make a relationship and marriage, and it takes two to break one up. I hear over and over and over about how "I did nothing wrong", I did not know or deserve this, on and on, and while I feel for everyone that had someone cheat on them............deep down inside they know that they had a part in it somewhere.

People do not go elsewhere if absolutely happy where they are...........people do not look elsewhere unless something is wrong with the situation they are in. Does not make it right, and if knowing the whole story will help you to look at yourself as much as you are looking at him, then I say go for it. But if all it is for, is to somehow find more blame with just him, or the woman he cheated with, it will accomplish little.

Good counseling for each other you, with an understanding that cheating is a mutual responsibility, and knowing that it happens for a reason, even if that reason is that you two never should have tried to commit to each other that way, it does exist. I can look in the mirror and point at myself when I think about a significant other cheating on me, and know, I was a part of the problem, and they chose the worse way to solve it for them, but not for us.

If you want him, take him back with an understanding of getting counseling and talking it all out and why the both of you allowed this to be a part of your life, and if you both can change it, and if not, then move on and let time help you heal.

cd...............
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:50:09 AM
A trait I have no tolerance for is stupid mind playing garbage. I'm not talking about the guy being accused of whatever and denying it. I'm talking about people who ask questions that they know the answer to, like the OP was doing. What's the purpose of this nonsense? No matter what the guys says, nothing will be acceptable or believed because the accuser has already made up her mind of what the "facts" are and nothing will change the person's mind. Any answer, no matter what it is, will only make matters worse than they already are. So why play stupid, retarded games of trying to force an answer you don't want to hear? A person has nothing to lose by denying any wrongdoing. In fact it's encouraged if the accuser is going to freak out and go all psycho if the accused gives an honest answer to stupid questions.

And what is the purpose of asking someone the same question multiple times and then go completely nuts if you hear the same answer as the other 100 times you asked the same question, unless the accuser has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia and doesn't remember asking the same question countless times before?
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 25
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Why deny?
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:14:31 AM
Come on now "C Deacon", you know that ain't the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

There are plenty of cases where both contribute to the cheating, but there are just as many where the other party doesn't deserve it.....whether you look in the mirror or not.

I know, because I've been tempted more than once by a very sexy female making herself very available, persistent and seductive. Personal integrity comes into play here, and you better have a sh*t load of it. I've damn near cracked several times, but the fear of my kids and wife finding out saved the day. The performance of my wife in any area was not in fault or question here........just pure old male DNA up against temptation and curiosity. Weakness is a fault, and many times just one person in the relationship is guilty of it, or has been exposed to the temptation. It might take two to tango, but just one can trip on the dance floor.
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