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 Rescuediver08
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 1
Broken, and emotionally unavailable womenPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I find that in every relationship I've ever had, I've been with the women that are either emotionally unready for a relationship, or girls that tend to have severe internal issues. I know that I have the "have to help, want to fix" attitude, and it's how I've built my life(I'm a volunteer firefighter/paramedic) and I work in a hospital on the nursing staff. But how do I get out of this type of women...no matter how hard I try I can't seem to break it. It also doesn't help that I've come to use this site as a crutch, instead of just one possibility.
 tiggher
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 2
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:36:35 AM
Perhaps the problem is with you then????
You can't 'fix' everone & everything anyway...
This site should NOT be used as the sole means to meet someone....surely you come across plenty of people IRL?????
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 3
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:40:31 AM
First of all, know who you really are: such as, ask yourself why do you get involved with these type of women, is there something in your life that you may be lacking, do you think that your not good enough for someone that is emotionally stable, why do you want to fix these women.
You can't fix anyone no matter your job, your job is to fix help on your job, then you walk away. The saying is misery loves bad company, you may not be miserable, but what is it that you don't want to be around someone that is a little more upbeat,and not someone that will bring you down.
When you ask yourself these questions, I think you will be able to make sift through those type of women you mentioned.
Also, does the realationship last, have you been in a realationship with these people? If you want to be friends with them, I see nothing wrong, but If your the type of person that does not want to be down with their issues, then find out what it is in your life that draws you to these women first.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 4
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:42:08 AM
I've had men tell me I was strong, independent, bla bla bla till I wanted to puke...then they go fall in love w/ some chick who is a mess...

YOU keep choosing them- so it is on YOU...

IF you keep choosing emotionally unavailable women it is because YOU yourself are the same
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 5
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:42:41 AM
WOW!!! You sound just like me.....I meet these types of men and want to help them, then use this site as a crutch when Ive had enough.....IDK what the answer is, Im still searching.....Maybe Confusious has the answer.....
EDIT: I admit Im a little EU, its because I have my guard up.
 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 6
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:46:08 AM
I find that in every relationship I've ever had, I've been with the women that are either emotionally unready for a relationship, or girls that tend to have severe internal issues. I know that I have the "have to help, want to fix" attitude, and it's how I've built my life(I'm a volunteer firefighter/paramedic) and I work in a hospital on the nursing staff. But how do I get out of this type of women...no matter how hard I try I can't seem to break it. It also doesn't help that I've come to use this site as a crutch, instead of just one possibility.
Is it possible they are not broken and don't need fixing, that you just think they are? No one is perfect, no one is in 100% perfect emotional health all the time. People have problems in their lives, people get emotional sometimes, get depressed or angry, upset, stressed, etc. Many people are dealing with divorce issues or other kind of relationship fractures in their lives. Maybe you have an idea in your head of how everyone should be and what is healthy and what is not. Maybe you have an expectation of how other people should deal with adversity and when they don't deal with it your way, you think they are broken or need your help. A woman you meet may just have things to talk about and want support for; it doesn't mean she needs you to fix her. Maybe she just needs you to listen and be a caring, supportive friend.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 7
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:55:48 AM
^^^ same train of thought I was having.


I have the "have to help, want to fix" attitude


Then change your attitude. I dated someone who said that he had been a rescuer of broken needy women "all his life." But the odd thing was that in many of his relationships, his exes seemed to fare much better than he did after the split. He might have been wrong in his assessment that all of them were “broken.”

Another thing is that rescuers have a tendency to also be controllers. First, they’ve decided that the woman (or man) NEEDS them because she is so broken. That's a pretty judgmental and superior attitude. Second, they go about trying to “fix” her, which translates into thinking that someone should be “better” according to his definition of “better” and working to make her what he thinks she should be. Pfft. That’s a big mess. And it is a turn-off, which might be why these women are “emotionally unavailable” to you. Perhaps they don’t want to be with someone who thinks they are broken and who wants to change them.
 Rescuediver08
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 8
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:57:03 AM
Perhaps I should elaborate a tad more because you seem to have gotten slightly the wrong idea of the direction I was headed. I understand everyone has their issues, and in my friendships I have and always will be the one that they can turn too when they need an ear or shoulder...I do have an idea of what people should be, but that's based solely off what I found was wrong in previous relationships. I have not and never will expect someone to be perfect, but to be lied too, ditched, or just otherwise treated less than poor I should not have to have in a relationship. The women I spoke of, we're either hung up on their ex, too busy, non-personable to begin with, and I always have taken then brunt of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:59:11 AM
Emotionally unavailable or "unready" women tend to leave you no room for rescuing or fixing them - so are you unhappy with these women because they don't actually "need" you and you want to fix something? If you don't want to fix or rescue - seems to me women who are more independent in a relationship would be exactly what you're looking for.

If you are a rescuer and a fixer - that's great on the job. Don't do it off the clock.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 10
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 9:05:49 AM
It's because deep inside, you think a nutcase is the best you can do.
Deep inside, you have low-self esteem.
 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 11
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 9:07:43 AM
..to be lied too, ditched, or just otherwise treated less than poor I should not have to have in a relationship. The women I spoke of, we're either hung up on their ex, too busy, non-personable to begin with, and I always have taken then brunt of it.
Don't get involved with women who are still hung up on their exes. The first time someone lies to you, end it. Don't allow anyone to treat you badly. If someone is 'non-personable' in the first place, why would you even get involved? First of all, stop thinking of yourself as someone who can fix other people. Turn away from waifs and lost kittens. Stop thinking of yourself as Clark Kent. You aren't. You just think you are and you turn every relationship into one of you trying to fix the woman. An woman who is hung up on her ex doesn't need you to fix her, she needs you to walk away and leave her to her own ends. Ditto for women who lie and whatever else these women are doing to cause you grief. If someone is 'non-personable' freakin' walk. What the hell are you thinking?
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 12
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 9:18:20 AM
You may be looking (or attracted to) more of that type of woman than one who really doesn't NEED you but may enjoy your companionship?

This could be driven by your need to fix or support?

I'd also suggest that if you are always mothering someone then you can cause them to become more and more dependent on you rather than self sufficient and able to think and do for themselves rationally.

Aren't there some pretty single nurses that work at the hospitals you take people too? If you are driven to care for someone maybe a good match for you would be someone who is like minded?
 Rescuediver08
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 13
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 9:23:04 AM
Ha, I date mostly nurses
 crankyb4coffee
Joined: 10/3/2011
Msg: 14
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 9:42:47 AM
It's hard to reply without any specific examples, and I hate to make assumptions on such vague terms but I'll give it a go.

People have issues. There is no way around that. Most people, I think, don't recognize or want someone to fix their issues, but perhaps you being as helpful as you are, feel inclined to do just that.

Have any of these women actually said, "I'm an emotional wreck, help me"? You can either run for the hills, or appreciate that they told you. *shrug*

Or maybe another route would be to determine what issues you are able to deal with. For instance, trust issues are pretty run of the mill so it's a none-issue issue in my opinion. On the other hand, if someone has an issue with letting go of the past and are bitter, that is something I look out for.

Pick your battles.

Best of luck!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 15
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 10:11:20 AM
Once ya get old enough,you'll figure out when to walk away,,,and when to run. I'm being serious here. There are a lot of phucked up people out there,,,,a lot. But, because of the way society is nowadays,,,it's also their "right" to be phucked up,,,,so leave them be,,,once you realize HOW phucked up they are. If they are only a "little" phucked up,,,yeah, ya may have a chance to bring them around,but know this. Most people are moulded and have their basic values installed in them by the time they are TEN years old.

Again,,,I'm being serious here.

Edit:


An woman who is hung up on her ex doesn't need you to fix her, she needs you to walk away and leave her to her own ends. Ditto for women who lie and whatever else these women are doing to cause you grief. If someone is 'non-personable' freakin' walk. What the hell are you thinking?


Point of fact. If the OP did what you are suggesting, he has now eliminated quite a few women out of the dating pool. Actually, he could have eliminated the "majority" of those out there.
 Sun Leo
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 16
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 10:38:38 AM
OP it find to help a little but to much and people become useless. I would like to feel like my mate would need me a little but I dont want to be their every thing. I like strong people like my self.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 17
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 10:48:42 AM
Perhaps you are not fully utilizing the dating process for what it is.....

1. Filtering out the bad ones.
2. Slowly building a foundation for a relationship

Focus on #1. Keep yourself as emotionally detached as possible until sex and once you have ruled out what you don't want and can't handle, then you proceed.

If you have a history of picking the wrong ones......it's imperative to date slowly and be ready to end it in the early phases. That's the cross you have to bear, deal with it. We've all got our crosses.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 11:06:28 AM
You are simply not attracted to or do not attract people with their sh1t together.
The common denominator in every one of these bad relationships is you, so whatever it is you are doing is not working for you.
You have to work hard to not repeat bad habits, listen to your gut, pay attention to the red flags and get the whole 'Save A Ho' routine out of your system.
 raid_on_me
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 19
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 11:10:54 AM
I wouldn't take someone who is emotionally unavailable if that's not what I want. I guess If I were I'd ask more questions and talk for a while before going out on a date.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 20
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 11:15:58 AM
You need to figure out what "early warning signs" you are missing. Then you will learn not to continue dating women who demonstrate those early signs, and you'll be more likely to develop a relationship with emotionally healthier people.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 21
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 12:06:48 PM
Hi OP, I think the way out is by realizing your own intrinsic worth as a person, instead of feeling you are racking up points by good deeds. Caretaking and rescuing is needed for sure, and there are wonderful types attracted to these fields- I don't doubt you are a great guy. Beyond the rescuer persona though is a false sense of security about 'being needed/indispensable', and a (usually unconscious) superiority element which is really compensation for your own lacking measure of self-esteem. That is usually why caretakers end up 'rescuing' the broken through their romantic relationships, and it rarely works out bc the truth is everyone needs to take responsibility for their own selves. I will add that one other thing which may or may not be true for you is that sometimes adult rescuers are unconsciously trying to resolve unhealed issues they could not control in their family of origin by revisiting it in their lovelives. Again, this is often largely unconscious, and said rescuer feels like 'Oh, I'm just not lucky in love, I always pick broken, get burned, etc'. But when you realize your underlying conditioning, it can help you observe yourself making choices and resolve to choose differently. Best of luck to you OP!

edit: Oh ok, Op just read your other comments-from that I gather is that the next step would be YOU asking YOU, why is it you'd be attracted to unavailable women? I would think there might be a reason under like you having a fear of intimacy hidden behind you might want to explore. As long as you're the good guy saving lives and fixing the broken, noone will discover your own shameful or broken parts-like ie 'fireman who smokes', freaky username, etc-and yes, we ALL, every single one of us, no matter how rich famous accomplished or what not have some way in which we judge ourselves at times as somehow 'not good enough'.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 22
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Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 12:13:00 PM
you know the OP is dead on about women
but what he fails to mention is all the Men that are just as broken, and emotionally available !!!
 xXNarcissistXx
Joined: 10/17/2011
Msg: 23
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 12:14:22 PM

Broken, and emotionally unavailable women


I tend to avoid them. I'll fix cars, houses, computers, and even appliances...not people.

Peace, J.R.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 24
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 12:30:18 PM

I find that in every relationship I've ever had, I've been with the women that are either emotionally unready for a relationship, or girls that tend to have severe internal issues. I know that I have the "have to help, want to fix" attitude, and it's how I've built my life(I'm a volunteer firefighter/paramedic) and I work in a hospital on the nursing staff. But how do I get out of this type of women...no matter how hard I try I can't seem to break it. It also doesn't help that I've come to use this site as a crutch, instead of just one possibility.

You don't need to break out of the cycle. Most people get damaged along the pathway of life, its inevitable.

You just need to recognise the ability and motivation in another person to work through their issues, let go of their old coping strategies and heal towards a happy, healthy relationship.

Just like you.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 25
Broken, and emotionally unavailable women
Posted: 1/29/2012 12:46:24 PM
@OP -whoops, clicked on wrong profile -please ignore about 'fireman who smokes', 'username' in my comments, the rest of which directly address your post entirely. Humble apologies
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