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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?      Home login  
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 PinkSugar7
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 1
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?Page 1 of 1    
I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post under but here it goes anyway…

Background:
My ex-bf and I dated for 5 years and we’ve been broken up for roughly 7 years now. We’ve always kept in touch over the years as we have many mutual friends. We have both lived our separate lives and dated other people with no hard feelings.
As of now, he has temporarily moved away from our hometown (work related) but we still text each other every now and then.

Situation:
Recently, within the last few months he has been texting me more especially when he comes home to visit. One night, his text messages became more than friendly asking me about my body and if it’s still as ‘tight’ as it was when we were together. He’s sent me messages commenting on how good I looked in a picture he’s seen online. I downplayed the messages and brushed them off as I didn’t want to pursue anything with him. The next day he asked if we could get together while he was in town to catch up. I didn’t really pay much attention to the idea of getting together because I didn’t know what his true intentions were and I didn’t want to lead him on. A week or so later, I found out through a mutual friend that he has been dating a girl that he met where he works for the last 5 months or so. I thought it was odd that he never brought it up to me but never really put much more thought into it.

So, a month goes by and he messages me saying that he’s in town again and would like to get together for lunch. I thought there was no hard in getting together so I agreed. At this point, I figured we’re just getting together as friends and nothing more as he has a gf and I’m not interested in anything either.

Anyway, we ended up getting together for lunch and a few rounds of pool. I was expecting it to be a little awkward at first as we haven’t hung out one on one in a very long time but to my surprise it wasn’t at all. It was like no time passed between us and we caught up where we last left off. The conversation was never dull and I truly enjoyed myself. As he was talking to me, I started to realize that I do miss him and was still attracted to him. I began to wonder if we could/would get back together or how I wanted to hang out more.

During our conversations, I did briefly bring up his current gf and he briefly talked about her. He brought up things about our relationship and discussed what he liked about our relationship and what not. Neither of us said anything out of a friendship boundary but I felt as though he would say things that displayed an interest in me/us.
So, after a few hours we parted ways. I sent him a quick message to thank him and that we should try to get together again. He replied saying that he had a good time and that we will do it again for sure. He then followed up with commenting on how good I looked. I said thank you and told him that I was happy he was doing well and so fourth.

The next day he was flying out for work so I sent him a message wishing him a safe trip back. He replied thanking me and that it was great to see me. I replied saying it was great to see him too but it put me into a ‘funk’. He asked how so, and I simply replied that it made me think but I had respect for him and his relationship so I didn’t think it was fair of me to say/think more. He replied saying that he understood and that was the end of our conversation.

Question:
We haven’t spoken since but I am confused as to what his motives were/are. I feel that he lead me on. I understand he has a gf and he hasn’t really crossed any boundaries with me but why would he want to hang out with me to catch up when he has a gf? Why does he message me more often now and comment on how good I look when he has a gf?

Thanks for any advice you may have to offer, I greatly appreciate it :)
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:51:38 PM
He carries a torch for you, but it's possible he's looking for some side-sex. Only you know if he is capable of such a thing
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 3
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:52:29 PM

why would he want to hang out with me to catch up when he has a gf?
What else did he have to do that night? You were available.


Why does he message me more often now and comment on how good I look when he has a gf?
What else does he have to do? You keep responding.
It passes the time and it's a little diversion.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 4
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:55:28 PM
two words... booty call

Edit: no he was setting you up for a booty call, he is doing that to take your temperature on things .
 PinkSugar7
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 5
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:04:58 PM
Really?!? I guess I'm really naive then cuz I would have never thought he would have thought of me as a 'booty call'... We've never taken it to that level and I've never given him that impression.

Also, I forgot to mention that he did come into my work to visit me while he was in town.

Note: I'm new to posting so I'm not sure how to respond or edit postings :)
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:14:57 PM
If you want to avoid drama, cut the ties with your ex and don't look back. Otherwise, accept the ride you're in for.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 7
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:39:10 PM
Because you let him?
 True_Gem
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 8
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 10:15:35 PM

"Recently, within the last few months he has been texting me more especially when he comes home to visit. One night, his text messages became more than friendly asking me about my body and if it’s still as ‘tight’ as it was when we were together. He’s sent me messages commenting on how good I looked in a picture he’s seen online."


Look he started texting more and asking if you were "tight" still and wanting to see you afterwards, what do you think this means?

I agree with Iceman, I think this guy was setting you up for a booty call. When you told him you were in a "funk" do you notice how he didn't say he was in one too, he just said I understand. He was feeling things out and would comment on your looks to put shit in your head and it obviously worked.

I say leave him in the past but it's your call.

Good luck!
 Silver_Sparks
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 9
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/1/2012 11:02:55 PM
As he was talking to me, I started to realize that I do miss him and was still attracted to him. I began to wonder if we could/would get back together or how I wanted to hang out more.

Uh-oh.


I feel that he lead me on.

Yep.


...why would he want to hang out with me to catch up when he has a gf?

Convience.

I'm very sorry to hear that this experience has caused you grief and confusion.
I really am.
Stop texting this guy. Ignore him.
This type of situation isn't healthy. It's the old textin' the ex routine.

Walk away smirking and thinking "booyeah--I still got it!" Laugh about it.
Don't ruck in the muck with him.

Are you looking for a convenient affair with someone you're comfortable with?
Do you really wanna be the girlfriend sitting at home while her boyfriend is out messin' with his ex ?
Because these are your 2 options if you become involved with him. Which one interests you?

Run. Run fast. Run far.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 10
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 2:55:01 AM

I thought there was no harm in getting together so I agreed.

You thought wrong. Any time you decide to meet up with an ex, you run the risk of resurrecting old feelings or worse, getting yourself into an uncomfortable position. As long as you keep in touch or stay friends with an ex, there is always that danger. You can eliminate any chance of a confusion and live a simpler, drama-free life by cutting all ties with an ex, especially this one.


Question:
We haven’t spoken since but I am confused as to what his motives were/are. I feel that he lead me on. I understand he has a gf and he hasn’t really crossed any boundaries with me but why would he want to hang out with me to catch up when he has a gf? Why does he message me more often now and comment on how good I look when he has a gf?

I thought it was pretty obvious what he's after. But forget what his motives may be, whether he's leading you on or even if it's right for him to behave the way he did when he has a gf. The real question is, do you want to pursue this further?
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 11
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 3:46:07 AM
My advice:

Ask HIM.

OT: I really don't understand why people write these type of questions when the answer is to ask the person it involves. Why is that obvious answer so difficult to arrive at for so many?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 3:49:15 AM
You are actually confused about what your own motives are, not his.

That's what your entire post is about, OP. Trying to convince yourself that your old flame came back for another serious try, even though you know full well on another level that he's not serious. He DID get on that plane and fly back, didn't he?

Him: Seven year itch syndrome. You: "return of the prince" fantasy. Actual result: booty call test.

Possible alternate real story: he's trying to decide about marrying the woman he's with, and came back to test himself against his memories of you. Now that he's run his test, he'll make up his mind. If this is the actual scenario (which I've seen a number of times), than you will hear within a month or two that he's getting married, or that he's split up, but is busy chasing tail in his own current neighborhood.

Either way, you were a way for him to run a SAFE test of his single-guy skills and tastes, because he didn't have to start over with you, nor did he have to add extra obligations or risk that you'd follow him home and mess up his situation there. Head-clearing exercise for him.
 darknight48
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 13
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 8:20:50 AM
one word for you LISTEN CAREFULLY I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE S -E-X, THATS ALL HE WANTS PURE + SIMPLE
 faerlan
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 14
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 8:37:58 AM

I simply replied that it made me think but I had respect for him and his relationship so I didn’t think it was fair of me to say/think more. He replied saying that he understood and that was the end of our conversation.

This. He's got what he wanted, a confirmation he can still jerk your strings. Guy's a douche, write him off and move on.

PS. I never thought it possible to be friends with an ex and none of my ex's prooved me wrong thus far.
 PinkSugar7
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 15
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 8:53:31 AM
Thank you to everyone that responded... I greatly appreciate it :)

I tried to summarize my scenario so it wouldn't be too long but I failed to mention that
I truly don't think he's looking for SEX... He knows I'm not that type especially since he has a gf. We have hung out before in the past (years ago) and most often in group settings with no problems (no feelings) but for some reason this time it did spark for me. If he truly is looking for sex, he's not going to get it and I will never ever hang out with him alone again. Yes, I'll remain civil and friendly as we have many mutual friends and are bound to run into each other but that's would be the extent of it.

Anyway, I have not and will not message him until he messages me again and I will not respond right away. It sounds like a game but I'm not putting myself out there anymore than I already have.

I would love to call him out on his behaviour... I find the older we get, the less we tolerate 'games' and would much rather lay it all out. So, I think if we ever do see each other again, that would be a perfect opportunity for me to bring it up.

Thanks again for your feedback and if you have anything else to add, I'd appreciate it just as much :)
 faerlan
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 16
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 9:25:00 AM
Stop for a moment and read your own messages and see how you keep trying to explain and excuse his actions. What gives there?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 17
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 9:50:55 AM

Recently, within the last few months he has been texting me more especially when he comes home to visit...he messages me saying that he’s in town again and would like to get together for lunch...I found out through a mutual friend that he has been dating a girl that he met where he works for the last 5 months or so. I thought it was odd that he never brought it up


Can you say OB V US? Did you ask the ex if his girlfriend knows he's keeping in contact with you and you two had lunch together? Does the girlfriend know that he asked you if you are as tight as before? Next time you talk to him-which you will-mention that you would like the opportunity to meet and talk to his girlfriend. Ask him to bring her next time he's in town. Chances are he'll make all kinds of excuses of why she can't make it next time he comes to town. That will be your answer.

What's with "I have not and will not message him until he messages me again and I will not respond right away."? Does this mean instead of responding within 10 seconds, you're going to make him wait 20 seconds for a response? How about NO response, or are you too addicted to the cell phone and his subtle clues looking for hidden meanings?

And then there's the gem: "I started to realize that I do miss him and was still attracted to him. I began to wonder if we could/would get back together or how I wanted to hang out more." Guess what: he knows this and this is why he's playing games. He's knows he'll eventually get in your pants again, even though you say he won't. This is high schoolish crap going on here. Are you actually 14 years old posing as an adult?
 Kings_Knight
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 18
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Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/2/2012 10:38:38 AM

" ... We haven’t spoken since but I am confused as to what his motives were/are. I feel that he lead me on. I understand he has a gf and he hasn’t really crossed any boundaries with me but why would he want to hang out with me to catch up when he has a gf? Why does he message me more often now and comment on how good I look when he has a gf? ... "


He. Wants. To. Get. Laid.

Next question ...
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 19
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/3/2012 12:00:49 PM
You tell me when you figure it out. An ex of mine starting showing up at my work years later asking to get together for dinner and a lot of flirting including still hot for me talk, when he had been seeing someone new for about 6 months. I seriously doubt she was holding back sexually.

My assessment was he was about to propose to her, which he did, and he still wanted to explore any possibility with me before he popped the question with her. Or maybe he just wanted some pre-engagement booty. Maybe nervous and confused. Who knows?

I had ended it with him years before due to him hanging onto his ex's. What do you know, bet he told her we were just friends.
 luvspjs
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 20
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/5/2012 5:31:46 PM
ok without reading all that here is a possible answer:


He wants to tap that. Hes having a problem with his gf and your the "back up

Move on, tell him you are tiredof him coming around and ****ing things up in your life.
 PureSentiment
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 21
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/7/2012 1:27:09 PM
OP: We don't tell you this stuff to hurt you, we tell you this stuff because we learned it from somewhere be it ourselves or our own friends and family and are trying to save you some heart-aching crap. So here's my two cents for you!

typical he still loves me thingy and all he wants is a piece.

Your relationship was dead along time ago!!!! Keep it there!!!!!

Now go look for a new guy, chuck him to the curb don't' ever fall for that crap again and chalk it up to experience.

..two cents well spent! Advice and Knowledge: Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!

(any spelling errors are free!)
 twicewise
Joined: 10/27/2011
Msg: 22
Confused: Why does my ex-bf want to get together when he has a gf?!?
Posted: 2/25/2012 4:58:29 PM
Ya i going to have to agree with everyone else, he's a horndog and he is going back to his comfort zone.
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