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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?      Home login  
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 fall_blossom
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 1
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
There is a double standard where men think women are easy if they sleep with them on a first date. What if the woman fools around with them on a first date? Is the woman still considered easy and every other derogatory name?

When men try this I push them away and say, "we can do this another time" because I fear if I cave into them I won't get a call back ( I am aware that if a guy is pushed away and doesn't get a little tease that he may not call either).
 mrs_sir
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 2
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:33:07 AM
I think that if two concenting adults decide they wanna get semi-naked or naked and touch each other, that's just fine.
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 3
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:33:22 AM
You need a better picker. Regardless of how far you go on a date some people are just players. They want that quick rush they get from the experience and then they fall off the map. You are responsible for weeding these people out. Sure not messing around or sleeping with someone quick could be a way to do this but you also need to assure your date that you are interested in them in some way. There are no set rules or guidelines here. You have to make them up as you go based off past experiences etc. Not every guy is the same and the same goes for women. What's worked for you in the past wont always hold true and every situation requires a different approach if you expect different results.

What Mrs Sir said is right on the money. Two consenting adults can do whatever they like but they also need to take responsibility for the consequences. You are just as responsible for getting played as the player is for playing you.
 General-Public
Joined: 2/2/2012
Msg: 4
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:34:13 AM
There is no right or wrong answer to this, it depends on your philosophy when it comes to sex and making out, you know men and women are different? most men can drop their drawers and have sex with most women unless she's some type of war pig.

And yes there is a double standard, its not fair but that is life, I'm sure folks on here will tell you stats about them having sex on the first date or fooling around and they dated for what ever time.

And there are folks that will tell you they've been there and done and got the t shirt and it didn't work out.

It all depends on how YOU feel, not how every one else views it, If you are not comfortable fooling around or having sex on the first date DON'T, and if he decides to kick you, well such is life at least you can go to sleep at night with a clear conscious.

My baby girl often tells me " I dont get into situation where I'm forced to say NOOOO" if she goes out with the guy and he wants to make out I dont give him the opportunity or put my self in a opportunity where I'm uncomfortable. Smart kid that one.
 goslowboy
Joined: 12/4/2011
Msg: 5
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:39:22 AM
I think if a guy likes you fooling around is not going to stop that. If he does not then he just might hit it and quit it
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 6
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:41:29 AM
@ msg 2 Spot On!!! I'm thinking you have no problems meeting men on or off POF. A very healthy outlook. Don't get jaded!!!!! Just askin why would a woman go out with a guy if she wasn't interested in "foolin around"? (rhetorical) I love the term "foolin around".
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 7
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:45:56 AM
I have a saying; whatever happens, happens. It only happenned to me once to have sex on a first date, and it just "happenned". I don't plan anything, don't expect anything, just show up expecting to meet a cool person I'll hopefully get along with. And I usually allow them a wide range, in the sense that even though I'm "managing" the date, their the ones with the decisionnal power. I'll offer something to them and then its either yes or no. For sex, I wait for them to do the first move, send me the first sign. Only rarely will I ever try encouraging it myself, I find it disrespectful to say that to someone you barely know.
So in a sense...I give a lady enough rope to hang herself with lol. If she wants a go with me....at her own risks and perils, and decision is on her lol. I can't really say it hasnt worked, as most of the time,1 date with someone is all I need to get a 3 year+ girlfriend in the bargain. Next time it'll hopefully be a 50+ years lol.
 Adam Taylor
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 8
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:46:49 AM
All you can do is decide what you're comfortable with.

There's going to be people out there with double standards. There will also be those who think as you do.

You can't get in a tizzy trying to figure out who's who. If you're into someone, and making out feels right, then go for it. If they're serious, and have a real interest in you, then they'll stick around. If they "hit it and quit it", then they're losers who aren't worth your time to begin with, but at least you got to enjoy a (hopefully) nice makeout session. :p

For me, I don't think that there's a problem with a woman "putting out" early in the relationship process. It's more of getting an idea of WHY she's doing so. If she just sleeps with anyone at any time, then that's not exactly something that wins me over. If it's because she's really just that in to me, well, that's a nice feeling.

If someone's shagging everyone they meet up with, that's a risk to you. So naturally, you'd want to be careful. If someone just sometimes moves a lot quicker than other times because of some spark they feel, still be safe, but also explore that spark and see if it goes both ways.

At the end of the day, the only person you answer to is you. If you're okay with what happens, then there's nothing to worry about.

I've told some ladies to slow things down. And I've had the odd lady who I've been physical with early on. There's no set rule, you have to go with your feelings.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:47:28 AM

It all depends on how YOU feel, not how every one else views it, If you are not comfortable fooling around or having sex on the first date DON'T, and if he decides to kick you, well such is life at least you can go to sleep at night with a clear conscious.

My baby girl often tells me " I dont get into situation where I'm forced to say NOOOO" if she goes out with the guy and he wants to make out I dont give him the opportunity or put my self in a opportunity where I'm uncomfortable. Smart kid that one.


I second this all the way.

I go by what I'm comfortable with, and fooling around on a first date is not it.

Because I know this about myself, I kept first (and a few subsequent) dates in public, for the most part, unless I had a very strong feeling that the guy and I were on the same page and that there would not be a problem with being in a private space with him.

If a guy was not cool with this, I suppose he just disappeared, as many did. There is no point in worrying why you are not a match with a certain person. You just accept that you aren't, and move on.

If you sacrifice your own standards and integrity, however, it will affect your self-esteem and ability to sleep at night, and that's really a much bigger problem.
 faerlan
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 10
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:52:11 AM
"A guy could just as easily dump you if you fvck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth."

I say, go with whatever feels right. If you can live with the possibility that he will not call you again, go for it. If that scares the daylights out of you, don't. Cause it just may happen.

And fooling around on a first date isn't AS BAD AS HAVING SEX, cause in my personal opinion having sex on a first date isn't bad at all, only sometimes the consequences of it are bad, but as adults we should (at least in theory) be able to foresee them and act accordingly.

Fooling around is a lot more high school... Has its gimmicks.
 WinstonDoubtfire
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:53:47 AM
First date 'etiquette' (what it boils down to) :

As long as you don't allow yourself to be placed in a 'NO' situation (or any type of situation where you feel unsafe) then the sky's the limit. We're all (for the most part...lol) adults here, and we should be able to make decisions accordingly.
 funinsun32
Joined: 9/1/2011
Msg: 12
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:01:43 AM
I just don't understand where these "rules" come from.
If you want to get it on, so to speak, in the first 30 min's of meeting someone that is your business! And if you want to wait for 6 months, yup, your business as well.
Personally, I would wait but I have also been that person who had sex on the second date.... That was a long time ago and guess what? He and I were together for 6 years!! Sooooo, that whole "IF you sleep with or fool around on the 1st or 2nd date" crap does NOT apply all the time or to everyone.
 Zach4141
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 13
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:16:46 AM
Neither one of them are bad if you both agree to it. If you are capable of meeting and going on a date, paying for dinner , etc, then you are more than capable of deciding together about whether or not you get physical. Be who you are: if you like to screw on the first date, have at it. If not, that's fine. Just find somebody who matches up with that.
 Adam Taylor
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 14
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:18:05 AM
I've had a "one night stand" turn into a relationship. Though it wasn't my intention to have a one night stand to begin with.

Just met a lady through an online site, who seemed really taken with me. We got together for a drink, just to get to know each other some. She had been dealing with cancer, and hadn't really had any "relationships" in some time, as she couldn't find the right headspace to meet people with all she'd been dealing with.
She got interested in me because I showed actual concern and compassion for her, as well as just being genuinely interested in getting to know her for who she was. I didn't just treat her as some cancer victim who needed to be looked after.

Drinks turned into something more intimate as the night went on, and she invited me back to her place. At first just to talk more privately, and snuggle, so she could enjoy being with someone who saw her as a woman again. And it turned into a night of passion.

I honestly didn't think it would turn into anything. I first got the feeling she just needed that physical release. But she called me back after, because as wonderful as the night together was, she was still taken with WHO I was, and not just what we did.

So we started dating more seriously for a time.

So yeah, you can't judge a relationship based on what happens the first time you meet. It's something that has to grow and develop over time. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But you can't worry about what may or may not be. You just have to go with the moment.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 15
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:35:39 AM
There is a double standard where men think women are easy if they sleep with them on a first date.

Yes, there is a double standard. But not all men and women subscribe to it. Several of my long-term relationships began with first-date sex.


What if the woman fools around with them on a first date? Is the woman still considered easy and every other derogatory name?

I can’t speak for others. If someone wants to slut-shame* you they will, whether for intercourse or outercourse*. But they might come back for intercourse first.

I think outercourse offers many a cool way to play when you’re not emotionally ready for intercourse, or when you’re not sure it’s safe, or anytime for any reason – for heating up or cooling down.

* google
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/10/2012 10:05:58 AM
I can only report observations.

I've witnessed guys who thought that any woman who got at all intimate on a first date was a slut, but I noticed that the same guy's opinion of the women who made him wait a few dates first, was that they were high-priced hookers.

I've known guys who thought that any woman who would say yes to him, was obviously defective (I've known women like that, too).

I've more commonly seen that people who think well of themselves, tend to think that the reason someone had sex with them early on, was because of how wonderful they are. Some of them, would have subcategories, wherein anyone they were very attracted to, was someone with "great taste and rapid insight into their character," while someone they weren't so attracted to, were just saps.

My own conclusion remains, do what you want, and no matter the results, the relationship will go the way it would have gone, based upon who you really are. Therefore, whether it lasts just a few minutes, or many months, or a lifetime, artificially scheduling intimacy will not change anything.

If anything, artificiality itself tends to be more damaging than almost anything else on outcomes, so you might as well go with your instincts and your understanding of yourself.

Thus, if you know yourself well enough to recognize the difference between when you are genuinely attracted to the person you are with, from simple generalized lust, and you are capable of accepting responsibility for the consequences of your choices, then you'll be fine with whatever you decide to go with.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 17
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 12:51:41 PM
IgorFrankensteen I usually agree what you post igor, and I think you are spot on.


<div class="quote">
My own conclusion remains, do what you want, and no matter the results, the relationship will go the way it would have gone, based upon who you really are. Therefore, whether it lasts just a few minutes, or many months, or a lifetime, artificially scheduling intimacy will not change anything.

If anything, artificiality itself tends to be more damaging than almost anything else on outcomes, so you might as well go with your instincts and your understanding of yourself.


I recall one women that was a 10, very pretty, we dated for several months without getting intimate, not sure how many dates. Then one time we were in a hotel in Virgina, I had peeled her out of most of her clothes down to her panties. Still, she was like a starfish, going along but I got no feedback from her. So I lost interest at that point, and we went to sleep.

Later on after we stopped seeing each other, a friend told me she had advised the young lady not to rush into anything because I would think less of her.

She had a lot going for her, very good looking and owned several businesses, so I always wondered if she hadn't held back so much, how the relationship would have progressed.

Now that I am older, I would think it might not be a good marraige, because she would likely use sex as a weapon to get what she wanted. Because at the time, if the sex had been good, I would have proposed.

On the other hand, I have had sex with someone before any date, and we were together for a year. Met her in a bar that was across the street from the high rise I lived in, she passed me her phone number as she was dancing with some other guy. I told her where I lived and the apt number.

A week later, she knocks on my door later at night, I was in a bath rob and invited her in. She gave me a hint what was on her mind when she opened my robe.


I don't think any more or any less of a women based only on how soon we have sex. It's a heck of a lot more complicated than that.

The sex the first time would have likely been better had we actually gone out on a few dates before, but it got a whole lot better quickly. But I doubt the long term would have been any different.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 18
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 1:12:58 PM
I think if a couple fools around semi or fully naked and touches one another or fools around in a sexual way, they may as well have sex and go for it. I know that not everyone would agree with that, but it's MY opinion.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 19
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 1:41:06 PM

If anything, artificiality itself tends to be more damaging than almost anything else on outcomes, so you might as well go with your instincts and your understanding of yourself.


Very true, and hopefully your instincts include sensing how comfortable your partner is with trusting their own instincts and understanding of their own self.

I've always been surprised how many people make this issue so much more complicated than it needs to be. Fooling around and sex are neither bad nor good sooner or later. Simply put, intimacy should happen when you both feel intimate. There are no rules that can tell you when that will be, and no friend or internet forum can tell you how YOU feel.

I've also never understood why anyone would want to have sex or any other intimate physical activity with a partner who wasn't also eager to do so. Where's the joy in that? Might as well kiss a wall for all the fulfillment to be found, at least for me.

For those worried about a guy who would reject you for doing too much too soon, is that sort of man REALLY the type of guy you want to be involved with? If he judges you for that he'll surely judge you for your other behaviors as well, and that kind of judgment is a recipe for a lousy relationship. On the other hand if you both simply want to enjoy the passion of the moment, it doesn't matter if you never see each other again. You'll still have the moment.

It all comes back to being true to yourself. The memories you'll savor most in life won't be the times you followed a rule or conformed to what others think. They'll be those times when whatever you were doing at the time seemed perfectly aligned with who you were, what you wanted, what you most needed at that point in time.


Now that I am older, I would think it might not be a good marraige, because she would likely use sex as a weapon to get what she wanted. Because at the time, if the sex had been good, I would have proposed.


She may or may not have used sex as a weapon, but she clearly either wasn't sexually attracted to you or didn't trust her own ability to interpret and act on that attraction. Had the sex happened there's a good chance it wouldn't have been good sex. Had you stayed with her she might have learned to foster and embrace her own sensuality, or she might never have, relying on the advice of friends more than learning how to know and listen to herself.

I too have backed away when I sensed a lack of response. Maybe I could have helped a partner develop that part of herself, but I much prefer to be with someone who is as comfortable with herself as I am with myself, so we're both on equal footing as we explore how best we match together.
 egowitch
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 20
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 2:50:35 PM
I don't see either one as being "bad" . If things are headed in that direction, and everything feels mentally ok too - and both folks are adults - where's the problem ?

Not that I'd choose to do it with every/any one - but if someone doesn't call me back because of making out - he's not a man I'd want to be with anyway !

Women have choices here too, ya know.
 fall_blossom
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 21
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 4:08:27 PM
This topic got me to thinking about how women think of men who initiate 'fooling around' on a first date. Does his mean they do this with *every* woman they're attracted to? What about the guys that are proud of their 'packages' who are willing to show what they've got after two hours - do they show every woman? Should women stay clear of these types of men since this behavior is probably repetitive and a habit and not for our eyes only? Wouldn't this lead to trust issues down the line if anything were to pan out?
 skip361
Joined: 5/20/2011
Msg: 22
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 4:22:04 PM
I tend to agree with amny of you who have already posted. It is about your comfort level, adults can do as they wish. It is also about respecting the limits of the person you are with. No means no. If a guy or a woman split after that date where you were intimate, it should serve as food for thought next time. Have an awesome evening everyone.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 23
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Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 5:55:51 PM

This topic got me to thinking about how women think of men who initiate 'fooling around' on a first date. Does his mean they do this with *every* woman they're attracted to?


It's my experience that 'fooling around' is generally initiated through mutual attraction. Most women's body language and/or words are pretty clear. If not I may do or say something subtle to give her the opportunity to pick up on it or not. If there's no positive response then I push no further. It's her turn to let me know if her mood shifts later on in the date.

Unless instant fireworks are driving both of us there's no rush involved. It's great to stretch out the mutual exploration experience one small step at a time, which also gives both of us the chance to say "that's far enough", whether verbally or non verbally.

But yes, if I'm unattached and attracted to a woman who is attracted to me, AND it all feels right, I'm ready to act on that attraction every time. If I'm happily committed I'm not attracted to anyone else. If I'm unhappily committed I don't act on any attraction I might feel to anyone else. It just renews my resolve to work on whatever is wrong with my relationship. A couple of times that has meant ending a relationship that needed to end, and only THEN revisiting that attraction to see if it's shared.

If I'm going to be intimate with someone I need to feel good about it during AND after.
 CharityTrue
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 24
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 7:20:18 PM
I think there is a double-standard still...

Saying that, most guys are aware of the double-standard, and IME would respect your refusal to do too much on the 1st date...

Contrary to what a lot of people here are saying; IME, some guys are like, more old-fashioned and would consider any woman who slept with them on the 1st date a slut.
However unenlightened, uncool people might say they are for thinking that way;
I don't think it's uncommon.
I'm not a guy, but I think the logic is something like "If she sleeps with me on the 1st date, she can/might/will sleep with any guy on the 1st date..." which makes you a "slut" to the guys who think like this. and a "slut" is not relationship material...
Of course there are other types of guys for whom this is not a problem. They wouldn't care either way or judge you if you did....

Which guy is the guy you're dating? That's the question...
 ForumFish
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 25
Is fooling around on a first date as bad as having sex?
Posted: 2/11/2012 10:13:19 PM
I agree with what Charity said. Everybody seems to be so openminded here, but that's not what I've seen in daily life. That old double standard is still around.
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