| | Parents' objections to being togetherPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | Hey everyone!
Just thought I'd ask some advice. Im a 22 year old guy living at home with his parents; mum and stepdad. (Ive just graduated uni and Im working as a part time police officer, and cant really move out until july when i go full time)
Anyways, I have my own room in their house and I met a girl off here and we've been going out since december.
The other day she came round for the day and we spent the day mostly in my room whilst everyone was mostly out for the day anyways. We had a nap (both fully dressed but underneath the covers, door open), made some food and ate it in my room whilst watching a movie. We talked for a bit afterwards and she left at 11pm.
My mum had been out for the night until 11.30 so it was just my stepdad in.
He was in a massive huff because we'd spent the night mostly in my room but we'd spent time together with them a few days prior for literally the whole night she was over.
She hasnt slept over at my house yet, but the general consensus among my parents is that its totally unacceptable for me to be alone with her in my room with the door closed, and that we should be spending most, if not all the time she's over with them downstairs.
Am I being totally unreasonable in thinking that this is, well, unreasonable for them to have this view?
It's not as if we're 15/16 where the worry would be that we're too young/pregnancy etc. We're both adults in a somewhat serious relationship. It's not as if Ive got some one night stand in my room.
I fully believe that there should be a relationship of mutual respect at this age between me and my parents and if their expectations were somewhat reasonable then I would work towards a compromise. Kind of feel its a bit stupid when Im 22, Im a police officer, and I cant spend time alone with my girlfriend.
Its not the case at her house where we are able to spend time alone together as well as spending time with her family.
FYI, my bed is extremely noisy so its not as if we're bumping uglies either :P
Thanks in advance for the advice! | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:09:55 PM | Its not the case at her house where we are able to spend time alone together as well as spending time with her family.
Then go to her house and quit yer complaining. You gonna die before July??
I have no idea what your father's reasoning is, but to his mind it's sound obviously.
Maybe you can try to reach some compromise, but I wouldn't recommend it and definitely don't count on it. He's already in a massive huff about it. Betcha bring it up and you get yourself some brand new huff.
Your parents' house, your parents' rules. Simple as that. You don't have to like it. If your girlfriend's parents were upset about something you did, wouldn't you respect their wishes by adjusting your behavior? Or would you start an argument with them... "here's why I think I should be able to do whatever I want in your house....I'm 22!!" Ain't gonna fly, fella. They'd show you the door.
vvvvvv
Their reasoning behind this is because "this was the way with our parents so why should it be different?".
That's all the reason they need. You have exceeded their comfort zone. Live with it, kiddo. It'll all be over soon enough. You can say it would be different with you, but this isn't your choice to make and since you don't have a 22-yr-old son living in your house doing things that really bug you, come back when that actually happens and tell us how you feel differently about it then. ;) | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:12:48 PM | | Hi, this is a vert sticky (pun intended) situation. I truly believe that as long as you live under your parents roof you must abide by their rules. Having said that I think might be having a tough time seeing her son grow up. It's certainly understandable to have those feelings, I myself did with my son. My sons girlfriend stays over and I'm not really thrilled about it but I would rather know where he is at night and I do realize he isn't a child anymore. Good luck! | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:22:19 PM | Thanks for the responses.
Its not that Im saying that I totally want to go against their rules n stuff, it just seems that theres absolutely no room for compromise or, well, realism. Their reasoning behind this is because "this was the way with our parents so why should it be different?".
For me, (and Im not saying that this wont change when I have kids! :P ), I would not want my kids having their girlfriends/boyfriends over and being alone when they are young, but I would expect myself to allow a bit of privacy for them later on in their life when they officially become adults, have lived on their own at university for a number of years, have jobs etc-basically to be realistic with them - I just feel as though this is all a bit of a facade.
I just kind of feel a bit sad because this is one of many things that I feel is pushing me away a bit. This happened with my previous girlfriend where it ended up that she just never saw them, and we never spent any time at their house because I wanted to spend time with her alone. My mum would always offer to house us but I always told her that I might as well just go to my student house (I was home during uni holidays) with her for the time she was coming up so we could be together. (We were in a LDR, would not see each other for 3-4 weeks at a time, see each other for a weekend and we have to spend it with my parents? no thanks.) | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:30:02 PM |
Since it is their house you have to go by their rules. Once you get your own place this will no longer be an issue.
I'm saying this, but also another thing; they have to realise your not 15 either anymore. I wouldnt have a problem with my kids having bfs gfs over for the night, as long as there was no bumping of uglies involved lol | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:31:32 PM | You can believe whatever you want, but the fact remains-- you're living in mummy and daddy's house now so you have to follow their rules. Otherwise, you'll be grounded.
If you want to be treat liked a grown man, get your life together and behave as one. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:36:53 PM | I have to agree with Ozzygirl. Their house their rules. They have a right to be comfortable 24/7. I would not want either of my children entertaining opposite sex guests in their rooms.
Did you discuss these 'rules' with them prior to bringing the young lady upstairs? Or did you just assume it was ok?
If it is your Step Dad's house, he may have appreciated a heads up or at least you inquiring about permission. Sit down with him like a man and have a discussion. He still may say no but he is well within his right to do that.
Being an adult means being able to have talks like this and accepting the outcomes.
Are you paying rent? Establishing your independence also means helping them out.
Being at Uni, is not the same as having your own apartment, especially if they had to foot part of the bill.
But, I completely understand where you are coming from, I got married at 23, and the biggest reason was because my parents still treated me like I was a kid. I wanted to spend nights with my BF at his apartment and they were mortified by the idea. So when he asked me to get married I jumped at the chance to play house.
Big mistake. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:37:01 PM |
If you want to be treat liked a grown man, get your life together and behave as one.
Eh? I did explain Id just graduated, and was waiting to start full time employment in july? Bit harsh! 
they have to realise your not 15 either anymore. I wouldnt have a problem with my kids having bfs gfs over for the night, as long as there was no bumping of uglies involved lol
That was kind of the confirmation that I was looking for that Im not being totally unreasonable.
Im not saying that I want to be able to close the door so I can indulge in a bit of S and M! All I want to do is watch a bloody movie in my room! :P | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:40:04 PM | | There is no reason for them to compromise, it's their house. Live by their rules until you can afford to live on your own. Your age has nothing to do with it, it's what's comfortable to them that matters, they pay the bills. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 1:50:00 PM |
But, I completely understand where you are coming from, I got married at 23, and the biggest reason was because my parents still treated me like I was a kid. I wanted to spend nights with my BF at his apartment and they were mortified by the idea. So when he asked me to get married I jumped at the chance to play house.
Big mistake.
Aha, yeah thats kind of what I was going for!
On the flip side, wonder what it would be like if they came to stay at mine for a weekend or something and I forbid them to sleep in the same room together?  | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 3:13:23 PM | I just kind of feel a bit sad because this is one of many things that I feel is pushing me away a bit. This happened with my previous girlfriend where it ended up that she just never saw them, and we never spent any time at their house because I wanted to spend time with her alone. My mum would always offer to house us but I always told her that I might as well just go to my student house (I was home during uni holidays) with her for the time she was coming up so we could be together. (We were in a LDR, would not see each other for 3-4 weeks at a time, see each other for a weekend and we have to spend it with my parents? no thanks.)
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So, this has happened before? You feel pushed away because they only want you to entertain in the living room and kitchen. Because you have been given a room to yourself you want to turn their home in what appears to be a boarding house. Just because you're under the sheets, fully clothed, with the door open isn't justification to set your own rules. He who has the power to throw the other one out makes the rules. Your parents telling you that this is because of what their parents did was a mistake. I'd be telling you we talked about this before. It's not a debate. If you feel "pushed" wait until you see how far I can throw. Your room is for you only, they are telling you this, and you don't want to hear it. Get your own place and invite your parents over. When they start making your spare room more accomadating for themselves, we'll see how you feel then. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 3:36:50 PM | I do agree with the majority in the sense it's their house and their rules but I'd like to add a little more.
Normally, as parents, we raise our child to be independent, thoughtful, a contributing members of society, yadda, yadda, but we hold on the the knowledge that they are going to leave :-) That's part of what keeps us sane in the teenage years, the thought that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day, we can run around naked in our own homes again.
Off course, times have changed, partly due has the economic climate. Adult children are at home for far longer then in previous recent generations. So there's a bit of a clash which previous generations did not have to accommodate. As a parent, although we love our children dearly, we really don't want to extend that hospitality to your GF's because you will get too comfortable. You might never leave !! ARGH.
It has to be difficult for them financially assisting you with regards to living arrangements but also having to be aware that now you are no longer a child, the power shift has changed. Despite being an adult, the bottom line is, you are a guest in their home. You are no longer in the position of being a minor who they have a legal responsibility to provide food and shelter to. They are accommodating you in terms of their support whilst you get a good start on your career but that does not mean they have to extend that to all areas of your adult life. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 4:05:03 PM | OP, I am a bit disappointed that some of the responders that could roughly be your parents’ ages are being so draconian about “my house, so live by my rules”.
Raising children includes guiding them through making sensible independent decisions. Once they have reached adult age and displayed maturity, there should be room for greater flexibility and treating them with respect. For the parents to enforce rules just because they have the power to is actually displaying less than adult behavior.
I, of course, do not know the history of your past interactions with your parents. If in the past, you have given them no serious reasons to question your maturity and ability to make sound judgments, I would consider your stepdad’s temper tantrum simply a power display. I am sorry that you have no choice but to follow his orders under the circumstances.
I have a son your age, and developing a lasting adult to adult relationship with him is significantly more important to me than preservation of some archaic rules. When our children grow-up, interaction with them provides us with opportunities to grow and evolve ourselves. It is not always comfortable, but in the process we will gain genuine respect from our ‘grown up” children. The joy of such will far exceed the short term satisfaction of having forced them to obey your rules. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:12:05 PM | For the parents to enforce rules just because they have the power to is actually displaying less than adult behavior.
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This topic is about sex, so I'm approaching it that way. For me, that is where the conflict lies. If he was stating a conflict with eating in the kitchen or doing something in the living room I could see your point. The bed not making noise clearly steers the topic towards sexual relations. Based on the OPs input he is saying that he has never had sex. Do you believe this? He is saying why couldn't he have sex under his conditions. When I was younger than him I was having sex. Even in my parent's home. They just weren't there. I never even considered doing this while they were home (although I did, even got busted once by her little sister, I forgot all about that until just now). To get permission takes balls. Maybe I should have tried this in my youth. Yeah, we're not having sex, it just looks like it, so it's OK. He's trying to say he's mature and not having sex. BS. He has options. Get a hotel room, use your car, buy a van, get your own place, go to her house, wait until I'm not home, and there's always the great outdoors. That's what I did. You can even buy dinner for them just to get them out of the house. Cheaper than a hotel room. Getting in bed fully clothed with the door open is inappropriate. Even parents try to display discretion with sex around their children, children should do the same. That's maturity. This, we're in bed but we're not having sex so it's OK, doesn't cut it. Leaving the door open just adds insult to injury. I don't care if you have clothes on or not, get out of the bed. I'd feel better if you closed the door. If you're having sex you're going to have to be discrete just like everybody else, and save the BS for a fool. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:32:19 PM | I disagree - this is not about sex, it's about respect.
Your parents have extended their welcome to you into your adult years. That is solely for your benefit not theirs. It is to enable you reduced living costs.
For what may be a number of reasons, your step father was annoyed about your behavior.
It may be that even though your GF's reasons for coming to HIS home was to visit you, she did not extend the manners of behaving like a guest in his house. I am sure there are very few people who are effectively a stranger to him, that get to walk into his home and nap on his beds without the basic manners of conversing with him during their visit.
It may be that he walked past the open door to your room and saw you napping beneath the covers and that embarrassed him and he felt like he was intruding. This might have made him uncomfortable in his own house.
Whatever the reason it's irrelevant. This is his house. Whether or not you agree with your parents on this is a moot point. He is entitled to feel respected and comfortable in his home. It's one thing to be accommodating to family but it's quite another to be forced into accepting all of their friends/partners too.
The bottom line is, you have a choice. You can either accept his views or you can move out and find a place of your own and do as you wish.
Why do you feel that your view takes priority over your parents ? | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:45:46 PM | MSG 15
OP, I am a bit disappointed that some of the responders that could roughly be your parents’ ages are being so draconian about “my house, so live by my rules
Kmxplore... I'm very disappointed you chose this route ,!
everyone here was asked for and entitled to their opinion ,
why you felt you had to be condescending to the rest of the posters... and then portray yourself ,........as if , ..you have some pipeline to the truth ..!
..shows poor judgement on your part | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:46:59 PM | | It does not matter who thinks what, it's their house, their rules and you have to follow them until you move out on your own. One day it will be your house and your rules and then you can decide how you like things ran. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:49:42 PM |
Kind of feel its a bit stupid when Im 22, Im a police officer, and I cant spend time alone with my girlfriend.
Well, there's a big difference between spending time, and "spending time".
What ever happened to taking a walk, or going to a movie, or doing something else outside the house, if you want to spend time alone together?
As far as "spending time" (sex) - get a room.
I'm no prude but I'd be uncomfortable having a stranger in the house all night when I didn't invite him/her to be there.
And though you're correct in that being 22 you're not a teenager - how does that preclude your gf getting pregnant? If you can't afford your own place yet, how are you going to afford a baby if your precautions happen to fail?
As far as the remark about forbidding your parents to sleep together if they visit you in the future - that's an asinine quip barely worth dignifying with a comment - but obviously they're MARRIED - biiiiig difference. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:52:44 PM | | LOL! I still can't stay the night with a girlfriend in the same bed at my parents houses. Unless I'm married to that woman its a strict no no. It's their house its their rules plain and simple. Usually I get a hotel room if I'm visiting them anyways. Because my dad gets up at the butt crack of dawn, gets on his treadmill and turns the tv up to stun. | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:54:33 PM | Ok! Clearly a few lines have gotten crossed here!
I never said this topic was about sex. In fact, I specifically outlined that it wasnt about sex because my bed makes unholy noises when you move just the slightest inch on it. I in fact said it was about spending time alone together in my room, with a bit of privacy. We watched a movie whilst having pizza, cuddled and then talked for an hour or two.
"Based on the OPs input he is saying that he has never had sex. Do you believe this?"
Erm, I have had sex. With her and other people. I never said I hadnt, I just outlined that the spending time alone together thing wasnt sexual, because we can have sex elsewhere. It was simply about having the privacy to perhaps cuddle/kiss whilst we watched a movie and have a little privacy so we could feel comfortable rather than worried that anyone could walk in on us kissing. I feel like Im 14 writing this, which perhaps reflects my view on this subject.
"He's trying to say he's mature and not having sex. BS. He has options." Like I said I never said we havent had sex/arent having sex. I never tried to BS anyone, nor say I was mature because I wasnt having sex. Shes not my first sexual partner. We have actually had sex in my house but when my parents werent in. Like I said before its about having the space and privacy to enjoy each others company comfortably, and it doesnt even have to be sexual.
In regards to the stranger thing from Import, she'd came round twice that week and spent most, if not all, of her time with me and my family at the same time (a couple of hours each time). On the day the first time and then at a sporting event on the evening the second time. I kinda wanted a bit of time alone after two instances in a week where we'd spent time with my family. She'd already seen them numerous times before that as well. She met them at the start of january.
Not that I disagree with your point though, because I see its validity. They have done me a great favour by helping me get on my feet before I go off in to the adult world.
That said, I would appreciate being treat like an adult as well and given the space and privacy that I would give them, situation reversed. I think the problem we have here is the power shift that has occured by me not being a child anymore. I had hoped that as I got older our relationship would develop but I think it is still somewhat stuck in the child/parent stage rather than the adult/parent stage. Whilst I appreciate that they are still my elders and parents, I would regard it as farcical if they thought I was not having sex with this girl, or had not before (my last relationship was 2.5 years).
I just find it incredibly sad that the same thing is happening again - as I have the option of going to hers and having privacy, the inevitable will happen where I will simply just choose to go to hers if Im going to be more comfortable, have a better time, be able to have sex etc, and feel as though Im not 14 and under the watchful eye of sexually repressed parents.
I should also clarify what I meant by open door - it was slightly ajar to show that we werent up to anything but so you could not see in to my room. Just FYI :D | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:56:41 PM | My house my rules.
No sex under my roof, no partners spending the night.
When my ex husband and I were engaged, in our early 20's and living together, we went to spend a weekend at his grandmothers cottage. We not only had separate beds...rooms...we were put in separate COTTAGES! | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:57:18 PM |
As far as the remark about forbidding your parents to sleep together if they visit you in the future - that's an asinine quip barely worth dignifying with a comment - but obviously they're MARRIED - biiiiig difference.
I was merely contemplating following the "my house my rules" thing. If they come spend the weekend at mine, is it not at my discretion as people have posted before that I choose whether or not I permit people to share a bed together, married or not? | |
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| Parents' objections to being together
Posted: 2/14/2012 5:58:56 PM | Okay - I understand all of those comments but the bottom line is your parents view differs from yours.
Why do you feel your view is any more valid then theirs when you are a guest in their house ? Why do you feel that the final say is yours ? | |
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