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 beachlover4269
Joined: 7/11/2011
Msg: 1
What would explain the hot/cold nature?Page 1 of 1    
I've been dating someone I really enjoy for about one month now. However, it is always difficult to find time with her and she disappears for 1-2 days at a time. There is definitely chemistry on both sides and we've had several nice dates, but then when I expect to call or hear from her, she goes AWOL for a day or two. Then I hear from her again, all supernice saying let's get together, and then the pattern repeats. I'm naturally trying to get closer to her, and she says she wants a long-term relationship, but I just find it all a bit odd. I suspect there could be someone else involved that she hasn't revealed, but not really sure whether I should bring it up at this stage. Any thoughts?
 OSGF
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 2
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/18/2012 9:51:39 PM
First, you need to ask yourself if you want to be in a committed relationship with her. If you do, then tell her you're ready for the next step. That way you can find out if she's dating someone else...that's what it sounds like, or she's married?
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 3
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:05:08 PM
I would not worry too much about it at this point. Going AWOL for a day or two is no big deal at this point. It's possible that she simply likes her space. You've only been together for a month so she probably has other priorities.

Frankly if you want to take it further and it bugs you that much then there is really only one solution here. You simply bring it up to her and discuss it with her.
 OriginalBrunetteBombshell
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 4
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:14:11 PM
AWHOL for 1 to 2 days at a time?
Sure yes some of us women like to live our lives and are not the type to make the guy we are seeing our entire life, more as a compliment to it. If you are expecting to see her everyday that might make her abit uncomfortable. And from here 'AWHOLING' as you put it it seems like you are pushing her away, it comes off as insecure and clingy. If you don't see her for more than a week without her letting you know what is up than it might be time to move along, but a day or 2 is I think is fairly regular.
But hey good on you for showing interest! Just talk to her, make sure she is clear about how she feels about you and what she expects...if she really likes you she will have no problems telling you to ease up.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 5
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:33:48 PM
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
She has a life.
And currently, you're not a huge giant priority- yet.
 Melannie1
Joined: 1/25/2012
Msg: 6
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:46:02 PM
Hi beachlover4269! In my opinion, if going AWOL does not work for you and you are keen to get closer to her, may I suggest you ask her a series of observations and questions similar to what you have stated in your thread. For example, stating to her an observation like "I think there is chemistry between us and we've had several nice dates, and then when I expect to call or hear from you, you seem to go AWOL for a day or two. Then I hear from you again, saying let's get together, and then what I find is the pattern repeats". And a possible question "Is there something you are not telling me like being involved with someone else?" Again, this may sound direct however, we are all adults and some of us are keen to meet and form some form of a relationship with another.... good luck... M.
 _Kites_
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 7
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 12:01:06 AM
It's funny how the women here interpret this as, "she has a life, you're not her priority right now.. it's only been a month.. she likes her space.. you're acting clingy and insecure, etc.." If it were the other way around (a *man* going AWOL), they'd ALL agree and scream, "He's married!!"

Getting to the point however, I'm going to agree with them. You're not her priority right now. Back off and turn it around. *You* go AWOL for a few days and see what she does. If she disappears forever, it wasn't meant to be. Good luck!
 Basiate
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 8
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 1:24:41 AM
Be careful how much pressure you are putting on a "new" relationship. I'm thinking there may be a little more going on here than you're either seeing or actually telling us in this post.

IMO: Give her some wiggle room hun. Go work on yourself so your not so uptight about being apart for 48 hours and stop blaming her for upsetting the balance of the relationship and going AWOL. She obviously needs space and its either because she has things to do, or she is seeing your insecurities and needs a break.

A man who is desperate for constant attention would be a deal breaker for me and is not very attractive.

Time to start looking at the other 3 fingers pointing back at you instead of the one you're pointing at her.
 xx_JJ_xx
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 9
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 3:08:45 AM
That sounds perfect to me.

I like my space and like fo be given the chance to miss a guy when I'm seeing him.

I've found men just cannot tolerate it and have to be in constant contact all day every day which drives me round the twist.

If it's not for you though, move on to someone who likes a lot more contact.
 CalypsoRach
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 10
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 3:20:54 AM
If you bring it up at this stage I think you may come across as needy. Perhaps when she disappears and comes back say to her I'm sorry I'm busy. Make a date for a more advanced time. Letting her know you also have a life. This should make her think to give you more consideration in her priorities.
 jdawg4876
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 11
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 5:11:33 AM
whats up with extremes what happened to middle ground, what I mean is he has been dating her for a month, at this pt would I want a lady to be calling or texting me all day heck no, thats annoying. But at the same time I think there should be a 5 min call or even just a txt asking how was your day, not to just vanish off the planet for 2 days thats off putting to most people and like another poster pointed out if it was a guy he would be married or have a gf. If she did that to me, I would have found that rude and just moved on, but then again I know what I like and what I dont like. Best thing to do, as others have said is say what you need to say about the situation. if she is down and puts in effort to make at least a little more contact keep dating, if not move on quickly.
 NolitaFairytale
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 12
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 9:32:40 AM
I don't think going missing for a couple of days is a huge deal at all. She's probably just busy, or doesn't want to seem too clingy to YOU. If it was a week I might worry.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 13
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 9:54:50 AM
Most normal people go off for a day or two naturally. If this is a problem to you and you actually need to see or talk to someone every day, you may be a bit too intense. It's only been one month, yikes! Dial it down, chief. People have things other than you to pay attention to.

It's funny how the women here interpret this as, "she has a life, you're not her priority right now.. it's only been a month.. she likes her space.. you're acting clingy and insecure, etc.." If it were the other way around (a *man* going AWOL), they'd ALL agree and scream, "He's married!!"

I don't agree it's AWOL, and I would never think a man should be in contact every freaking day, so no - I'd ask her if she knew how to entertain herself. I'd tell her to have more of a life so she's not so busy watching the clock. A woman would be very clingy if she posted something like this, IMO.

Getting to the point however, I'm going to agree with them. You're not her priority right now. Back off and turn it around. *You* go AWOL for a few days and see what she does. If she disappears forever, it wasn't meant to be. Good luck!

Right now? The only time someone disappears for a day or two and it would cause some concern is if you live together - in that case they'd not come home, and it would make sense to worry (or even notice, honestly). Even in a serious relationship people need to balance out their lives and shouldn't revolve around just the relationship.
 PutYouOnBlast
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 14
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:03:10 AM
Um, you have been dating for just a month. I don't see it as anything wrong if for a day or two you don't see her. She has what is generally known as 'a life'. Appreciate the fact that she is not a hysterical, needy, and psychotic person that blows up your cell phone needing validation every 5 seconds.

Oy, vey! *face palm*
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 15
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:12:26 AM
I think your a bit dylustional...1 or 2 days AWOL isn't bad. Unless you're in an intimate relationship or married, then 1 or 2 days is normal..a week is normal..

You're not normal...but I could be wrong
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 16
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/19/2012 11:30:58 AM
When you are "expecting" her to call, has there been an established time that she has promised to call, or is the expectation in your own mind? And if the expectation is yours only, and you want to talk to her, why don't you just call her?

I don't really designate her not calling you for a day or so being "hot/cold", unless she has promised to call and then did not. I think she's just a woman who is not all clingy and needy and prone to histrionics if a couple days go by without contact.

If YOU are wanting to take the relationship up a notch where you do talk on the phone every day, then you should actually discuss it with her face-to-face.
 Rockwell13
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 17
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What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:07:26 AM
most likely she is seeing other people and when you try to get more out of certain women they run away for a while or for good because they see someone as not a challenge when you talk about future things aka ltr to soon and some women will say and do things to keep men interested like hint at sex or say they want this or that but don't walk the way they talk to keep you guessing and in their orbit, so the beast thing to do is don't chase and see other women and dont repeat the same pattern with the next one say stuff like i'm not here to audition for leading man in your life but i'n interested in you doesn't mean at some point things cant be different so lets hang out and always try to make out with her and look her in the eyes and lips back and forth while at dinner also neck and shoulders it wil make her hot. and dont try to be her boyfriend too fast
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 18
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:42:42 AM
However, it is always difficult to find time with her and she disappears for 1-2 days at a time. There is definitely chemistry on both sides

Apparently, there's not enough chemistry on her side. If I were you, I'd consider her a sex only possibility and look for someone who has more relationship potential. Blow her off unless she calls you.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 19
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/20/2012 4:11:57 AM
Just like you, her intention may be to date but not get into anything serious. She likely has more then one iron in the fire and to be fair, there's nothing wrong with that. She isn't AWOL - she's busy and that may include dating other people. Unless she's getting naked with one of you, there's not reason not to do that.
 RedElectric
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 20
What would explain the hot/cold nature?
Posted: 2/20/2012 9:17:27 AM
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder"

Also, might help *everyone* in here to read the thread about introverts and how to deal with them. Could be she just needs alone time.
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