Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 gowithitbaby
Joined: 1/24/2012
Msg: 1
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm confused; what is the dating (over 40/single parent) process/etiquette nowadays?

The men who want to start a dating relationship; and I don't for whatever(could be lack of chemistry etc...) reason. The men I'm interested in or mutual start out strong; but always with high expectations of sex quickly and after a mth or two I feel like I'm too serious and into "us" and they give me the I'm not ready for a serious relationship speech...really ? Can this be for real?
I am too picky so when I do meet someone that clicks for me I'm all in... perhaps it's just too much for these fellas. a. I can't be someone I'm not, b. how does the dating process work anyway?
1. When do you have sex? I want to be intimate with someone who wants to be in a long term committed relationship with me.2. when does it go from dating to relationship and how do you know? URRRRRRRRRR...help!!
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:23:57 PM
I don't think etiquette is done any more to be honest....
its kind of dog eat dog.. or in this case fish eat fish. People lie, don't know what they want, get confused, get cold feet, feelings change and all on a very personal level...

some people just freak out, some give up, some get depressed, so the rules of etiguette I do not believe apply.

Not sure what rules apply, if any...
rule of: save yourself ........... maybe?

the key is communication but you have no garentees the person is being honest or will not change their mind.
The best advice I can give you is don't put out until you know for sure
unless your just looking for sex, then it doesn't matter.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 3
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:48:39 PM
YOU can be picky...THEY should be courting YOU...set your own standards & just go from there...
 gowithitbaby
Joined: 1/24/2012
Msg: 4
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/25/2012 9:18:41 PM
Wow- so I'm not a prude; I'll stick to my guns and have confidence my match does indeed exist. Thanks Ladies.

I noticed the men seem to shy away from these kind off direct questions...

Come on men fess up; what's the deal?

 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 12:33:09 AM
It's just my opinion, but I really don't think there is any real difference at all between dating as a teen/twenties person and dating as a grown up 40+ person.

Wait for it...

The reason that it SEEMS to be so different, is that by going through everything they did in their youth, most of us older folks have realized that we really WONT have a great time with every good-looking person who passes into our field of view. So we are quicker to dismiss mismatches as we recognize them.

Expectations of sex quickly have ALWAYS been present. The only change with age is, that people blurt it out to you out loud, because they are tired of hiding it, like they did in their youth; and they stopped hiding it, because they found out from experience that the primary reward for waiting, is usually that you spend a bunch of time doing nothing, before you finally realize that he/she is really after someone else other than you.

When I was young, lots of people had sex almost right away with each other. The ones who insisted on following a plan of holding out for commitments, either waited a long time, and watched option after option turn to other people, or they gave in to someone who claimed to be committed, only to discover that people really don't know their own future after all.

As for the rest of what you are describing, it sounds like standard "picker problems," as is often labeled here. If you keep running into the same bad situation with the guys you DO choose to try out, then likely you are inadvertently choosing that kind of guy.

So no, it's not that there are different "rules," or that you have to change your expectations, to find what you want. But you might well have to change how you look at everything, and change how you make your choices to get what you do want.
 richl9548
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 6
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:32:11 AM
The lack of commitment to a "long term" relationship in some folks in the over XX bracket can likely be tied to their past relationships and a desire/need not to make the same mistakes again. By the time we reach AARP status we know what our faults are and where we may have failed in past relationship and have a firm desire not to repeat that. With that said, this doesn't mean that we are not out there looking for "the one", we just tread a bit more carefully.

The when do you have sex question is totally up to the individuals involved. If you feel the desire to have sex on the first date, are aware of all of the possible consequences both positive and negative, are reasonably sober when you make that decision, then go for it. The morality police are out chasing others.

Now do you mean other than picking up each others dirty clothes from the floor how do you know that you've moved from dating to a relationship? There are no definite signs. In most relationships it is an evolution. You do not have to have "the talk", no setting of lines and boundaries, no set time period...it just happens when both of you feel comfortable with it and it grows from there.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 7
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:46:09 AM
They say there are stages of love relationships and the first is infatuation.
I no longer believe in infatuation and I don't get swept up off my feet thinking that my knight in shining armor is coming.

After all that knight in shining armor does climb down off his horse and he has dirty underwear he wants washed and he wants someone to cook his supper.

I think you have to keep the realities of being in a relationship upfront and don't go overboard with all the butterflies and dancing sugar plums in your head when you first meet someone.

In any age range sex does not make a relationship OP. Dont confuse some mans desire to get his willy wet with a desire to have a long term relationship. It just doesnt work that way.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 8
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:58:20 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amen to that, Scotty.

Whenever I first talk with a man - no matter in what medium - I pretty much tell them up front if all they are looking for is to get laid, then they need to go elsewhere.

I can usually tell within the first 10 minutes of a conversation what a man is looking for.
 gowithitbaby
Joined: 1/24/2012
Msg: 9
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 5:31:42 AM
thanks for the input. I was starting to think it was just the reputation of POF that drew this type of man to the FREE site. I know that can't be true because I have met many quality, good men , who are still friends to this day.

I do think my picker could use some adjustments though; as the prize fox is always the one hardest to catch. It seems to be human nature to value the elusive prize. In the POF world the hardest one to catch is usually the ; married, not too interested because he's casting for a one night stand so casting far and wide ...well; you get the picture.

Onward with the journey.
 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 10
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 6:41:52 AM

what is the dating (over 40/single parent) process/etiquette nowadays? how does the dating process work anyway?

It's gotten reaaaaalllly complicated.
Step 1. Find someone whom you want to spend an hour at Applebee's.
Step 2. Go to Applebee's with them.
Step 3. Figure out if you want to do it again.
Step 3a. If you don't want to do it again, go back to Step 1.
Step 4. Do it again. Repeat.
Step 4a. If they don't want to do it again go back to Step 1.


1. When do you have sex?

When I want to.
You can replace "Applebee's" with "sex."


I want to be intimate with someone who wants to be in a long term committed relationship with me.

Then you aren't looking to date, you are looking to buy or barter a relationship.
"I'll give you sex, if you give me the relationship I want."
You are treating a relationship as a commodity.
You've figured out what a relationship "should" be, and are simply looking for part of the recipe or instructions, a cog, to stick into what would get it for you, making people merely objects to fulfill your ideals.


. when does it go from dating to relationship and how do you know?

As soon as you say "hello". As soon as they are seen as someone different from the faceless mob of "guys." You are in a relationship with them.
Relationship is just interaction.
All it can do is start or end. It's not a product or goal. You can only control how you interact with someone else. Not how they interact with you.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 11
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 7:45:13 AM
The new dating etiquette is there is no etiquette. No one really wants to waste a lot of time talking -- they want instant chemistry and sex.

OP, since it appears you just joined and maybe you're newly divorced, I'll give you the benefit of my experiences with on-line dating. Regardless of what the guy's profile says, he wants sex before getting to know you. He doesn't want to waste his time if that isn't good. And he's probably got a couple of back-burner girls in case you won't put out. A lot of men put "long term" on their profiles to make them seem more sincere. They aren't. There are so many choices on these sites, and probably plenty of women who are willing to compromise themselves for a man that if you don't have sex on the first or second date, he's gone.

The best you can do for yourself is stick to your guns. If he's moving too fast, he's not the one for you. You're young and attractive and you can afford to be picky. A lot of men I've met on-line are prolific and accomplished liars. Just ask lots of questions and don't let anyone bulldoze you.

When I first joined I thought it would be easier than shooting fish in a barrel ... like "instant boyfriend". Imagine my shock when I discovered how easily the lies flow. This can be fun if you approach it the right way and not use this as your sole means of meeting someone. Unfortunately, because of what I've experienced, I'm no longer dating and maybe I'm a bit jaded and cynical. I'm working on that, but it's tough when you've been burned so many times.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 12
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:10:47 AM
IgorFrankensteen in msg 5:


Expectations of sex quickly have ALWAYS been present. The only change with age is, that people blurt it out to you out loud, because they are tired of hiding it, like they did in their youth; and they stopped hiding it, because they found out from experience that the primary reward for waiting, is usually that you spend a bunch of time doing nothing, before you finally realize that he/she is really after someone else other than you.


Another truly excellent post by Igor.

Darthbanker in msg 10:



I want to be intimate with someone who wants to be in a long term committed relationship with me.


Then you aren't looking to date, you are looking to buy or barter a relationship.
"I'll give you sex, if you give me the relationship I want."
You are treating a relationship as a commodity.
You've figured out what a relationship "should" be, and are simply looking for part of the recipe or instructions, a cog, to stick into what would get it for you, making people merely objects to fulfill your ideals.


Very, very good answer.

Ro1970 in msg 8:

I can usually tell within the first 10 minutes of a conversation what a man is looking for.


Since when do you need 10 minutes of conversation to figure out what everyone else already knows? If you met him through a dating site, and he invited you out on a date, he is looking for sex. Now, if he enjoys your company, if he enjoys making love to you, then he will keep coming back, for more of your company, more of your love making, more of you. And after a while, if the two of you are really good together, then Surprise! You have a long term, committed relationship.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 13
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:14:56 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^





Since when do you need 10 minutes of conversation to figure out what everyone else already knows? If you met him through a dating site, and he invited you out on a date, he is looking for sex. Now, if he enjoys your company, if he enjoys making love to you, then he will keep coming back, for more of your company, more of your love making, more of you. And after a while, if the two of you are really good together, then Surprise! You have a long term, committed relationship.


Well......gee.....now that I have been pretty much called stupid here, does this mean if I hit the bars and clubs, or worse yet the public library or a coffee house it will be more of the same?????

Or does this just apply exclusively to a dating site on the internet????

Damn it's a good thing I have walked away from the dating pond.......Apparently MY B.S. detector isn't any good anymore.........and maybe I need a chaperone...........or worse yet a keeper............

 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 14
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:26:54 AM
Army_mom in msg 11:


Regardless of what the guy's profile says, he wants sex before getting to know you.

Point conceded.

He doesn't want to waste his time if that isn't good.

Makes perfect sense to me.

And he's probably got a couple of back-burner girls in case you won't put out.

I guess that depends on how you mean it. Most experienced daters will tell you to not put all of your irons in one fire. That is, talk to more than one person at a time. Up until the two of you have the “exclusive” conversation, no one owes you fidelity. Many people here (both men and women) think that as soon as you start dating (not just an initial meeting, but actual dating), that you should be exclusive. Our own moderator abelian is a prime example of this school of thought. Others think differently. The only way to know? Ask.


A lot of men put "long term" on their profiles to make them seem more sincere. They aren't.


I remember seeing a number of threads here in the forums over the last 2 years on this very subject. Actual experiments conducted by a number of different forum members clearly illustrate that men have more success at meeting women if they put long term on their profile. Another example of women training men. Women, quit putting so much weight on this one item. It is a drop-down selection box, nothing more. Odds are the man spent about 0.5 seconds thinking about his answer.
 PutYouOnBlast
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 15
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:56:04 AM
There is NO science to dating over 40. To others who are younger and want a cougar, to them it would be a science, since what we prefer and will not deal with changes as we mature.
 thewhowhobrokethepot
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 16
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 11:02:03 AM
[I don't think etiquette is done any more to be honest....
its kind of dog eat dog.. or in this case fish eat fish. People lie, don't know what they want, get confused, get cold feet, feelings change and all on a very personal level...]

I agree, Miss HolyC...

I came to the conclusion that people watch too much real TV and movies depicting great love (easily-breakable, but who cares...) stories between the most unlikely partners...

OP, imho, the etiquette is: don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, look at the bright part of any.... meet-and-miss, and stick to your guns until you do find the one for you.
 gowithitbaby
Joined: 1/24/2012
Msg: 17
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 11:17:42 AM
Darthbanker...u r off your rocker!!

So, let me try to understand ...no, actually I can't because it's ridiculous. Dating= sex. obviously you think dating and Applebee's is the price for sex??? So when did we go from no sex before MARRIAGE all the way to dating = sex. I think you are too cheap to pay a prostitute or escort and would rather cough up a $10 applebee's dinner,with women who are probably"thinking" you are looking for a relationship. How can you have sex with a woman without knowing her first and knowing she is the one you ant to have a relationship wit...??? This is ridiculous. Do women actually buy into this crap???

The pendulum has swung too far the other way. Come on ladies don't buy into this B.S. we are not objects to be used and thrown aside for next week's POF delight. Darthbanker you are just too cheap to pay for casual sex and would rather steal it off of a FREE dating site; fess up. YUCK!!! Darthbanker is the exact stereotypical male who gives this site the bad rap it gets and ruins it for the men who are good and respectable. and makes us ladies jadded and untrusting.

b
 WiseBurro
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 18
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 8:49:02 PM
^^^ You have twisted his words around. But more importantly, I think you are reacting, rather than trying to understand what is being written.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 19
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 9:10:34 PM

how does the dating process work anyway?

You talk to people and go out on dates.

1. When do you have sex?

After a few dates.

I want to be intimate with someone who wants to be in a long term committed relationship with me.2. when does it go from dating to relationship and how do you know?

There are no gaurantees.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 20
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/26/2012 9:44:09 PM
It sounds like you have had a few burns, OP. You are a really good looking 43 year old woman. Men like good looking women. They will sometimes say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get closer to you. Everyone wants sex sooner or later and it is supposed to be good for both partners, but waiting a few months will not guarantee the guy is ready for a relationship.

Because all men want sex--even those who want relationships--you will have to use your reasoning skills to weed out the ones who are actually ready for a relationship. It is not easy, but try to look at evidence from their lives (do they seem honest, kind, stable, over their exes, have healthy attitudes towards relationships etc).

Do not put much stock in all the nice things they say to you at the beginning--ie. you are so wonderful, I can see myself settling down for a sweet person like you, etc. That is infatuation and it is pretty common for people to have those feelings early on--especially if the woman turns their crank.

Lastly, I know it hurts way more to lose someone after you have gotten intimate with them. So a lot of us girls think we can avoid the pain by not getting intimate, or by creating some kind of rule around the issue. But that is just allowing the fear of pain to get the better of us.

Right now, I am not ready to get intimate because of my last "burn." I imagine that the pain will fade soon and then I will become all zen and my heart will be open and ready to try love again. Of course, I will try to use better reasoning skills early on in the dating stage. Maybe both of us will be luckier the next time around...
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 21
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/27/2012 3:32:58 PM
Op,the bs that some bottomfeeders use (thankfully not all men are like this) of
"women are bartering/using ...(which is it-)-sex or a relationship as commodity" is another manipulative male projection--
since THEY barter, or pretend to barter, a "relationship"(fwb, at best anyhow) to have a sex life(whoever gets lied to be damned) they assume women do it in reverse, or say that they do to in order berate or character assassinate--"gps", "goldigger", "user to gain relationships!" (laughable and don't flatter yourselves--why do you think there is hesitation, and no answers to your contact).
What else is new..been done for eons.
Armymom is right--they don't want to know you before having sex, they just want to have varietal sex with anybody that will let them, the idea being that any sex is better than not.
How would they cobble together a sex life if some women weren't desperate and believed their bs or waited to get to know someone?
They'd get cut in the first few dates with no sex, and so women waiting to know them are real threats and are berated as "frigid", etc..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 22
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/27/2012 3:58:57 PM
The rule for over 40 dating is the same as the rule for under 40-

Carry out your own dead.

Actually, I usually consider the Golden Rule tto be a given that ought to go without saying -but in case I'm wrong here, the Golden Rule is "Do unto others..."
Yeah.
THAT Golden Rule.

OP, seriously-you will have to work out your own salvation in this matter, and you may find yourself making it up as you go along.

The new etiquette is the same as the old etiquette....
Do what you believe to be right.
If this results in what you initially believe is a disappointment, then it is up to you whether or not you adjust your behavior and standards.
There are just too many variables to make a blanket statement about etiquette, other than observing some commonsense safety rules.
Cindy O
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
view profile
History
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/27/2012 4:14:22 PM
@msg 17: houston, we have found the problem.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 24
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/27/2012 4:38:17 PM

I'm confused; what is the dating (over 40/single parent) process/etiquette nowadays?


Women do all the calling.
Women do all the planning.
Women do all the driving.
Women do all the paying.

Women disregard any advice contrary to the above.



p.s....I may offer a more serious post at a later time.

Of course, you are also free to follow the above advice if you
find it to your liking.
 risingmist
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 25
What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?
Posted: 2/28/2012 10:13:56 AM
If men indeed expect/desire sex immediately with a stranger, why, why, why do NONE of them come prepared with condoms. NONE. Having worked in healthcare and knowing how grotesque dying of AIDS is, why would any sane human touch a man who at a mature age, doesn't carry his own birth control? It is mindless for one, to expect sex instantly, and not care if the female is receptive or not, and beyond insanity to not offer condoms.

In the last 10 years I have met TWO adult males who were equipped with their own condoms. One was a nurse. The other was a Physicist who was raised by a nurse. They were both wonderful, educated, respectful and let me decide when sex was right. They also know about pregnancy, stds and a prolonged dying process.

Bathroom used to have hilarious boxes with condoms for some coins. All stores carry condoms now. All. If a man wants sex he gets to buy and use, condoms.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the new dating etiquette for over 40's dating?