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 sickofsillyness
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 1
Insecurities or valid concernsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have found that in past relationships guys I have dated have accused me of being insecure when I brought up things that concerned me about their behavior. Things like talking to exes, eyes wondering all over the place when we are out etc.....

Things have gone something like this: I see him checking out/looking at a good looking woman (not just glancing, gawking). I then make a comment like "see something you find interesting?" to let him know it is making me uncomfortable, he then would lie and say he wasn't looking, or accuse me of being insecure. I do not think I am insecure just think that if something makes me uncomfortable it should be brought up rather than left to simmer.

Another thing that happened is one guy I was seeing still had an ex on facebook......I did not know this and rarely went on his facebook as it can cause drama and I like to steer clear of all that mess. She was also a friend of a friend of mine and began taunting me on his page. I then asked my guy what his exes name was, he came back with "why are you so jealous?!". I then explained that I wasn't, I was just trying to figure out why this chick I did not even knew had a problem with me.

I am not sure what it is. Maybe guys take my openness as acusing them of something when in reality I am just trying to be open and honest and start a dialogue when I see something that I think may be an issue.....maybe I am over reacting to situations and being a little insecure but I feel I am just being open.

Thoughts/suggestions?
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:34:02 PM
You are meeting guys who you are obviously not compatible with and you continue to date them.
Here is a novel idea... stop trying to fix them or hoping they will change.

No subtle hints, no drama... use your time to look for someone who respects you and treats you like you want to be treated.
Move on from those not right for you and focus on finding someone who is.

stop being open. learn to trust your judgement and stop dropping hints. When a guy responds to your question of just being jealous, then take it for what it is...
he is not the one for you.

and you should not be asking about what his ex;s name was or anything about her............. that is not a good idea. Use facebook block.
 MssCrystal
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 3
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:37:29 PM
Men tend to just the "you are insecure" line to justify their bad behaviours!! If they are talking to exes and have roaming eyes and roaming anything else LOL they most certainly deserved to be called out on it. They need to understand why and how their negative behaviours are making us feel uncomfortable and they need to respect that and stop doing it. Guys who disrespect like that need to be dumped.

But not all men are disrespectful and gawk at other women. There are some who only have eyes for who they are with and those are the ones who are the keepers.

OP, you are not insecure you have realistic standards. Find yourself a keeper and avoid the players! Your concerns are 100 percent valid!
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 4
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:38:19 PM
I lean towards valid concerns, based on what you have written.

"Gawking"...."taunting"......

If I were you, I would not be happy with those types of behaviors, either.

 CulturedBlackMan
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 5
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:40:06 PM
I think its insecurity, although that doesnt make bad behavior right. You have every right to mention your discomfort. Perhaps his response is an indicator to his level of seriousness or commitment to the relationship.

I had a girlfriend that made the same complaints....I didnt agree with her, but because I cared about her comfort I conformed.....do I think she was insecure? YES
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 6
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:40:32 PM
It's not you, it's them.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 7
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:14:52 PM
If a guy is into you.....
he will want to resolve any concern.(even if silly)
If he is not....
then he will make it all your fault.

You are jealous.
You are insecure.
Which really means....with him,
you should be.

Now that you know the type of guys not to date,
try a different sort.
And see if your luck improves.
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 8
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:26:27 PM
Insecure yes you are. Yes it is wrong if somone is gawking which makes it obvious but why say anything. Sooner or later things will come to light rather or not you are meant to be together.
And if it does not then you have to make your decision on rather or not you want to be with somone that you know could be cheating.
Some man are like that they do look, but does not mean that they are cheating, some don't look, but they could be cheating. Either way, saying something only makes you look like you are insecure or jealous.
You need to look deep into yourself because I would not let that bouther me to the point of saying something to a man, there are other ways to know rather or not he is following through with the eye gawking instead of bringing it up everytime a man looks, which is what they all do. Why do you think that man ask question that you know is in your profile, because they only looked at the pics, not who you are.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 9
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:31:42 PM
I am not sure what it is. Maybe guys take my openness as acusing them of something when in reality I am just trying to be open and honest and start a dialogue when I see something that I think may be an issue.....maybe I am over reacting to situations and being a little insecure but I feel I am just being open. Thoughts/suggestions?

IF you have found those behaviors common with most every guy that you picked, it may be you as common denominator, so you may need to upgrade your picker, or re-initialize your sensors to allow wider tolerances in the wetware...

Human beings don't come with a service manual listing all specifications,
which is another reason that Finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life...
Success REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S
 FunnymanDan75
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 10
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:41:40 PM
It sounds like all of your concerns were legit. If it is something that bothers you it is probably because you sense something isn't right. You have every right to dicuss your feelings and concerns with you partner (without accusing them of anything). If they really care about you then there should be no problem with you both comming to an understanding of each others boundries. If they have no interest if your feelings, invalidate them, or just get angry then I'm sorry but it's probably just not a good match for you.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 11
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:44:35 PM
OP if it is every man you have dated I have to wonder if you are over exaggerating the gawking. I have known women who would accuse her man of gawking at another woman if he so much as glance at one or accused him of flirting or fooling around on her if he were to smile or have a friendly converstation with another woman.

If you feel that the man you are dating is not a match for you then stop dating him. If you find there is no one who can live up to your standards then maybe you need to question your standards and/or judgements.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 12
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:48:47 PM

...one guy I was seeing still had an ex on facebook......I did not know this and rarely went on his facebook as it can cause drama and I like to steer clear of all that mess. She was also a friend of a friend of mine and began taunting me on his page. I then asked my guy what his exes name was...


If this ex was a friend of a friend and you found out she was taunting you on Facebook, then obviously you know her name. Why were you quizzing the guy to get her name? What would you do if he gave you a false name? A huge turn-off to every guy is when they are tested like little children by being asked a question the woman knows the answer to. If you can't trust the guy to give an honest answer, it's the death of the relationship. Then women flip out and can't figure what went wrong.

As for the unforgivable sin of looking at other women (of course, you would never look at good looking guys), you must make it clear that if you date anyone, the guy must either wear blinders or he must be blindfolded when in public.
 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 13
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:50:35 PM

Insecurities or valid concerns

They aren't mutually exclusive, IMO.

Just like the catch-22 thing "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

I mean for all I know you are choosing men that are going to behave in ways that justify and validate your insecurities because you are safe and comfortable with them since they are so easy to come by.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 14
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Posted: 2/28/2012 7:57:48 PM


If a guy is into you.....
he will want to resolve any concern.(even if silly)
If he is not....
then he will make it all your fault.

You are jealous.
You are insecure.
Which really means....with him,
you should be.

Now that you know the type of guys not to date,
try a different sort.
And see if your luck improves.

I don't think that's entirely true. A man may very well be into a women. But if she starts to behave in an unattractive manner, such as the OP is doing, he can and will quickly lose interest. The same is true if a man questions his woman in the same manner. She'll find it unattractive and lose interest as well.

Here is the secret people. You want your partner to be into YOU? Then act attractive. Be attractive. If you act unattractive, you will eventually lose your partner, and be replaced by someone who does act attractive. It's that simple.

People don't seem to realize this powerful truth. YOU hold the controls to your partners level of attraction to you.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 15
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 8:19:35 PM

I have found that in past relationships guys I have dated have accused me of being insecure when I brought up things that concerned me about their behavior. Things like talking to exes, eyes wondering all over the place when we are out etc.....

Ok... I look at it this way...
I wouldn't date a person who is still friends with an Ex... (exception being they have kids and HAVE to talk)...
I've done it and I don't like it... will not do it again... so I understand part of where you're coming from....

The "eyes wandering" can be more than you think...
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood... my eyes watch everything... a seconds warning back when I was young might make all the difference... It's a hard habit to break...
I had a G/F accuse me of eyeballing the waitress one night. I told he I wasn't and she dropped the issue... Later on, she asked me to get the waitress, she wanted another drink... I guess I looked puzzled because she asked me what was wrong.... I had no idea which one was our waitress.... Apparently that was the right thing to say... LOL...
But I honestly had no clue....


but I feel I am just being open.

Maybe you're a little accusatory when you ask... but me, I'd prefer a woman to tell me what she's concerned about than to have her either worry or steam up over it.... so maybe make sure your delivery is neutral.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 16
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 8:35:20 PM
OP...after reading your profile, I tend to think that you aren't necessarily insecure (ok well some), but more trying to control what your mate is doing. It appears that you are ruling with an iron fist about what you think is appropriate based on the hurt that you have experienced. Perhaps what you view as openness comes across as controlling or something of a similiarly classed action. No man is going to react favorably to you barking "see something you find intersting." I wouldn't think insecure...I would think b*tch...no offense (but you put the subject out there). Realize something and realize it quickly, you cannot and will not ever control the actions of your mate. The more you push an issue, the more they will push back against it and you will lose. Men are going to look...get used to it. BFD...they looked. They didn't bone her, didn't get married...they looked at someone (if she's good looking, has big boobs or some other noticeable feature...I'm going to look too). I'm quite sure that you've looked (although you will most likely deny it) in the presence of your mate. Also, get used to the fact that some ex's keep in contact. If your mate is respectful of you and your feelings, then take comfort in the fact that he chose you. In life I have learned to let people be themselves. It will either come together in a beautiful way, or it won't...oh well.

As a side note, I would recommend a dating hiatus so that you can use that time to go to therapy and deal with your issues. When you emerge emotionally healthy, then try dating again.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 8:49:10 PM
Let's see, attractive girls.....nagging girlfriend.

Facebook friends.....nagging girlfriend.

Attractive girls on Facebook......nagging girlfriend.

Which would I want to spend time with???
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 18
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 9:45:14 PM
Hahaha! I loved your OP! Yeah we all have issues! So lets try and square some of them away.

First off, I didn't read the replies, so some of this maybe covered all ready. Next OP, your kinda a babe, in the looks department, so relax, and try not to act uptight.

The thing about ex's, is they are ex's. Some of us are able to put them in a good spot, some not so much. If it's an ex-wife and kids are involved, there is always gonna be a link, like it or not. For me, dating ex's come in 2 categories, ones that I never wanted to see again, ever. Then there were those who somehow managed to morph into friends or acquaintences. We either had so much in common and had no chemistry, or were just kindred sprirts. Either way, they were never a threat, had interactions with someone I was dating.

The check out the woman thing, was always trouble for men. Maybe women are more stealth in the way they do it, but they check out men as well. Now to me, I am self confident enough that checking a guys never bothers me, I have always thought, if she prefers him to me, go for it! As for checking out the gals, nothing is worse than being busted doing it! Some guys can just admit it, others feel the need to cover for it. By far the best women I have dated, would actually look at the woman and say "yeah I can see why you checked her out", maybe even throw in a little banter about (cough) her best feature!

The rest? ehhh! FB to me, is nothing but drama! In addition with the exception of out of state friends, my daughters, the causes I support, I wouldn't be on there.

Your openness is a plus, don't make it a detraction by making a mountain out of a molehill, if someone does something silly. If they are literally disrespecting you, by talking to one of those women they checked out, bail. If the ex is giving you a hard time, it's the BF's job to deal with it, tell him.

JMHO
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 19
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 9:58:58 PM

Men tend to just the "you are insecure" line to justify their bad behaviours!! If they are talking to exes and have roaming eyes and roaming anything else LOL they most certainly deserved to be called out on it. They need to understand why and how their negative behaviours are making us feel uncomfortable and they need to respect that and stop doing it. Guys who disrespect like that need to be dumped.

But not all men are disrespectful and gawk at other women. There are some who only have eyes for who they are with and those are the ones who are the keepers.

OP, you are not insecure you have realistic standards. Find yourself a keeper and avoid the players! Your concerns are 100 percent valid!


I had to quote the above....very well written.

Girl, what you want and need is a gentleman. I'm the same way and won't settle for anything less. Be patient and don't settle when you get lonely....that's the secret.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 20
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 10:10:29 PM
if a guy im with is not checking out other women, that makes me nervous, he may be gay. if a guy im with avoids looking at other women, that makes me nervous, he's an undercover sexual deviant. a man who has a healthy appreciation for the oppisite sex is a good thing, but being rude is another matter completely. as far as u trippin over him having his ex on his FB, thats childish.....almost laughable. I see my daughters FB, and MOST OF THE CRAP on there is make believe.....stop NAGGING HIM!!!!
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 21
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 10:19:57 PM
People who act that way are being rude rude and disrespectful. If you remained silent whenever he/they act this way............he/they would most likely keep pushing your buttons until you finally DO say something, just so they can tell you how jealous and insecure that you are.

Most likely it is he/they who are the extremely jealous and insecure ones, and the only way that they can deal with it, is to try to make someone feel the same jealous and insecure feelings that they do.

When people feel that they need to/or can play games with, and manipulate your emotions like that, it is a HUGE red flag, and definitely time fop you to move on.

When you are dating someone, that is the time to have eyes wide open, to determine if in fact they ARE someone you should be with long term. If there are too many red flags, it's best just to move on. Let someone else raise them........it's not your job.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 22
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 10:31:57 PM
Starting a dialogue? Oh really? You're sure he wants this type of dialogue? Sounds like a fun date to me-NOT!
I wouldn't say you were insecure or open or kind. I think you are acting controlling, are accusing and self righteous.
It is not for you to say what another does is right or wrong, he's not your child. Pointing things out that are natural or getting in a huff about things because they are being done different than you would like is controlling, mocking him is mean.
Being attractive is more than meets the eye and your "dialogue" is not attractive.
 KorageHu
Joined: 10/29/2011
Msg: 23
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Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/28/2012 10:40:46 PM
i dont talk with my ex.

we ignore each other on the streets.

your not insecure. their just saying that to make u stop thinking their cheating, when their cheating.

He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk..

Most girls that accuse their man, are usually right. And you have the right to ask.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 24
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Posted: 2/28/2012 10:53:32 PM

i dont talk with my ex.

we ignore each other on the streets.

Smart.... very smart....
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 25
Insecurities or valid concerns
Posted: 2/29/2012 12:45:58 AM
I think that you started all the drama for tripping in the first place, we will look at other woman's asses all we want to when we are out. Most of us can get away with it pretty easily and others are idiots. That's your insecurity if you get irritated with that. It's also never a good idea to creep on your SO's FB page and start a war with the ex. I think you should move on to the next guy.
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