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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Can't date you because you date around      Home login  
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 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 1
Can't date you because you date aroundPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If you are the type that dates multiple people and were told by someone you were dating (say the type that only dates one person at a time) that they couldn't date you anymore because you are dating around. How does that make you feel about yourself and about the other person?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:28:20 AM
It makes me feel that the other person has different ideas about dating and that we're not a match.

But my feeling is that that's not how it makes YOU feel.



 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 3
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:28:37 AM

How does that make you feel about yourself and about the other person?

That we probably aren't compatible?
And that I'm now more free to see Beth, or Tiffany, or Bambi, or find someone else to go out with?
I guess it depends on why I was dating around.

I would probably feel bad about myself if all I was really doing dating a bunch of people was
trying to get as much shallow validation as possible, sips from as many wells as possible.
I couldn't value or define myself, I needed a bunch of other people to do it.
So if a support structure for that bridge collapsed I would feel bad. Like I was rejected. Like something wrong with me. I might feel like I would have to chase them, the one that got away, or the crumpling support I had to fix in order to make myself feel more secure, like I am desired and wanted, safe and secure.

If I was just dating a bunch of people because I had the time, energy, money, and a strong personality, didn't need them to define me, to value me because I could handle that myself, then it wouldn't really affect me all that much, because I would rather go out with new people and have fun and new adventures.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 4
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:41:32 AM
I am the one person at a time person as I feel it is very disrespectful to the other person involved to date multiple people. I can't love someone I don't respect and can't love someone that doesn't respect me.
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:44:09 AM
It's not disrespectful to date multiple people. It would only be disrespectful *after* exclusivity has been agreed to. You weren't disrespected.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 6
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 6:46:16 AM
I am the one person at a time person as I feel it is very disrespectful to the other person involved to date multiple people. I can't love someone I don't respect and can't love someone that doesn't respect me.


wow your going to have a bad time with online dating !!!
I am afraid maybe you are assuming a lot of things about how this all works !

You are not exclusive with someone unless both parties agree.
You are also putting the cart in front of the horse to assume dating equals love...
and your also equating respect with exclusivity.
Your messed up in all that and online dating is going to be hell for you unless you wake up to reality of things.
You date someone and get to know them, and you can date several people at one time until you decide to be exclsuive and they agree.
To assume otherwise is a nightmare about to happen. Your ideas are not going to work and also make you come off as controlling, creepy and desperate.

Maybe you should date nuns?

seems like you want NO competition... why not very unattrative women? that should garentee no one else will want to date them and they will be "ALL YOURS"
from laying eyes on them.
 SerendipityHappens
Joined: 1/24/2012
Msg: 7
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:00:53 AM
Well, I date around. I'm not having relationships with all these people. Just dates. At the point when things get serious, then I'd want to see about becoming exclusive and make sure that this is mutually agreeable. But there is no reason I can't go to the movies with Khalid* on Friday night and go hiking with Ahmed* on Saturday. Eventually they'll either both fizzle out or with one we'll develop a mutual desire to spend more and more time together until we agree to see only each other.

If someone expects me to be exclusive with him before I even KNOW him then I find that really strange. Why do I owe someone I don't even KNOW yet exclusivity? I am perfectly capable of getting to know multiple people at once. I'd be concerned that the man who demanded exclusivity from the get go had serious self esteem issues.

*names are purely fictitious.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 8
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:01:59 AM
Wow Holycow why don't you read my profile? I don't want online dating and you seem to be very defensive and aggressive. You are just trying to justify your position with aggressive behavior. Please tell me what is wrong with me having my own set of standards and my own moral values. Is it a problem with you that they are not the same as yours? You seem to be reinforcing my position! Thank You
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:03:55 AM
I am a single one person at a time dater, so I would be fine with that....I only date men I am really interested in, so I dont see the point or need to date multiple men. To do otherwise in my opinion is a waste of time. However, I am not a 'casual' person by nature, so casual dating has never really appealed to me anyways.

I go many months in between dates becase of this and it is just fine for me. Life is more than dating and many things fullfill me, outside of dating.

If a man asked me not to date others, because he doesnt want to date others, I would be peachy-keen! In fact, the man I date currently is in synch with me on this and so far, so good.

I wouldnt hold it against someone who wants to keep dating others, they just wouldnt be my type is all.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 10
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:17:12 AM
the problem is not with your set of standards, but that you EXPECT others to have the same ones you do !!!

thats not right or fair or respectful of them !!!

ps. disagree with someone, does not make them aggressive. You have issues dude !
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 11
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:17:54 AM
Can't change anyone, if a person dates around that is what it is....if you think they are going to feel, sad, lost, concerned, hurt cause you told them I can't date you cause you date around hell no....they are gettiing attention from those others, so why would they be concerned or feel anything because you turned them down.
They will move right along it's their preference and it's different from yours.....no match see ya.
 PutYouOnBlast
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 12
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:19:53 AM
While I get why people date around, I myself wouldn't do it. For me, I just don't see the need to date that many people because you truly can't tune into what it is about that person that makes you like them the way that you do. With multiple people, you are spreading yourself around pretty thin, and avoiding the elimination process. With that many people to date, there are too many decisions to make with all the women possessing one trait over another.

Date one at a time, easier to make a decision.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 13
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:25:11 AM
I don't expect that Holycow (are you saying that you think I have to date someone that dates around? Are you even gonna give me a choice? Please let me know if I have a choice in my own happiness? I am waiting!) I think I will respectfully disagree with you
 WiseBurro
Joined: 11/25/2011
Msg: 14
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:31:31 AM

You are not exclusive with someone unless both parties agree.

Why not just ask up front: "Are you a one-at-a time sort of dater, or do you date multiples?" Then decide if you want to continue.
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 15
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:32:44 AM
I think you are taking it way out of proportion, holycow is who holycow is, you are not them, your preference is different then theirs, your morals, values etc....much different. I think what they said is somewhat true, however, if you are very sensitive to some truth, or even just an opinion, then I see why you are having issues.
I too would like to only date one person, but I will test the waters, and by that I don't mean (intiment) I will talk to a couple of guys at one time, but there are my limits to what i'll engage in too.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 16
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:42:24 AM
It is a personal choice. Many people date casually because do not want to build ties for one reason or another at that time, and that is ok as long as they are very clear about that.
Other folks find it hard to juggle multiple relationships and want to give each individual a fair shot.

I have very little respect for the man or woman that silently dates multiple people but makes each partner believe they are a couple, they then backpedal with the 'but we never had the exclusive' talk after months or years of seeing each other. It's cheating without the guilt.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 17
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 7:57:10 AM
lightbrownsuga [/then I see why you are having issues.] Why do you think I am having issues? I am perfectly content being alone until I find what I am looking for. I am just exploring viewpoints and don't like being chastised for having one of my own. I have every right to stand up for myself and my values. I don't fault anyone else for their viewpoint or values I am just looking to be enlightened without being chastised.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 18
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:01:25 AM
I am just looking to be enlightened without being chastised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

???
not possible with the massive ego. Lose that and become more open and realisitc and it may happen.
Others who differ in opinion does not = chastising you.

There is something wrong with you in the way you take things as a personal assault, you are either very controlling or insecure.

Someone who was actually wanting to be enlightened or know how others feel would not think their differing opinions were assaults.

Go on and do things your way.. you are inflexible anyway it seems. Good luck.

ps, think of all the women your excluding who are not willing to commit to an exclusive relationship to someone they don't really know !
too bad for you, your screwing yourself and don't even realize it.

oh well, your problem, not mine.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 19
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Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:07:20 AM

I don't fault anyone else for their viewpoint or values I am just looking to be enlightened without being chastised.


Oh yes, you do, and, no, you aren't. I know this because you said:


I feel it is very disrespectful to the other person involved to date multiple people. I can't love someone I don't respect and can't love someone that doesn't respect me.


That shows me that, rather than looking for enlightenment, you're judgemental and intolerant of other people's point of view, and appear to just want your point of view validated.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 20
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:12:00 AM
Good point LilliMarleen, I needed that and plan on doing some rethinking. I saw no agression in your post. Thank You for making a valid point.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 21
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:13:00 AM
If a man refused to date me because I date around, I wouldn't careless.

Not that I date around. I prefer one man at a time.
 fall_blossom
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 22
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:13:37 AM
I met one man a few months ago that swept me off my feet. He was into me too (it's rare to find mutual attraction) but then he revealed that he was a *free spirit* and that he couldn't stick with one women. It broke my heart because he and I had lengthy conversations while together and adored each other equally. Because it hurt too much I walked away. It hurt at first but as the weeks slid by I was okay.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 23
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:19:44 AM
If you are the type that dates multiple people and were told by someone you were dating (say the type that only dates one person at a time) that they couldn't date you anymore because you are dating around. How does that make you feel about yourself and about the other person?


I'm not gonna participate in your forum beating, OP, but I will say *this* about *that*. It depends on other factors.

For example, let's say you & I just met each other for the first time last week. Now if you call me up and say something like "hey what are you doing next Friday or Saturday, would you like to do x or y?" and I say "thanks but I already have plans for this weekend", and if those other plans happen to include going out with some other guy and you either find out about that or just assume it and start acting out, then you are history because you're presuming something ("a relationship", or "exclusivity") that doesn't exist and cannot exist in any normal universe after one date.


However, if you and I had already gone out with each other a few times and it was clear to both of us that we wanted that to continue, then yes I would be interested in a "let's see where this goes" approach rather than to keep dating some other guy at the same time. Otherwise I might end up yelling Billy Bob by mistake instead of Bobby Joe, haha just kidding. Even then, I still wouldn't be presuming "a relationship" or "exclusivity" because "let's see where this goes" isn't the same thing. One is open-ended but focused on a single person, and the other one is merely insanity looking for a reason.

Just taking your question at face value though, if somebody said they couldn't date me anymore because I'm dating around, it certainly wouldn't change my opinion of myself but it might make me change my opinion about you. Based on other factors, as I was sayin.

vvvvvvvv If I were in that situation, I'd end it. I certainly would treat somebody else that way. Is it a platonic thingy that doesn't involve sex or the pursuit thereof?? Then you're in the friend zone anyway and there's nothing to wonder about really. Is this the woman who won't hold your hand after a year??? She's not emotionally available, I'm telling you. Not because she won't hold your hand, btw, but because of some other things you said.
 jacks34
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 24
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:26:59 AM
Yes motown, I am refering to after multiple dates with one person even months and the other person still wants to date around. Am I still wrong?
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 25
Can't date you because you date around
Posted: 3/9/2012 8:42:27 AM
When i was single,i dated around(as opposed to slept around!)and i must admit,i had the time of my life and actually had some great times. On one day alone,i met three different men,lol!

Ive always been one of those to NOT put all my eggs in the one basket and i had an absolute ball.

I also found *most* of the men i dated were actively dating,too and were honest and upfront about it,so it was never a problem *shrug*.
Being on the same page in relation to how you date IS important.
When i finally met The One,all of the above ^^^ came to an abrupt halt

*Edit* Op,when and if you meet someone who is really into you,she would not dream of wanting to meet,let alone date other men..........im also wondering if you're referring to the gal you had 3 dates with in a year and you'd only held hands????
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