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 AtmaX
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 1
23 Lessons I have learned from U.S FilmsPage 1 of 1    
Now, to be fair, most Hollywood movies and television shows are written by groups of White guys. So of course, in most instances, a writer is going to write what they know, have experienced, and seen throughout most of their lives, which of course, are other White guys.

Now many of you out there might mark me off as a cynic, well at least the politer of you folks.


1) Blondes are magical. The more blonde they are the MORE magical they will be. Platinum Blondes would easily tear the very fabric of space and time.

2) Teenagers do not have to listen to their parents if they suspect they are wrong.

3) Men and women cannot be friends without at least considering boinking one another from time to time. Platonic friendships simply went extinct.

4) It is perfectly acceptable to follow your heart even if that desire is a tremendous exercise in placing the needs of one over the many.

5) Carlos Mencia is mildly amusing. Not a lesson as much as it is just a tragedy.

6) Black Men can be dark skinned and still be presented as attractive. Not so much for Black women, who, as a rule of thumb in everything from television, to movies, to even rap videos, must pass the Halle Berry skin test.

7) Any time Black people are facing dire straits some sort of negro spiritual like humming with dramatic organs accompanying will play. It happens to me all the time. Even on little things like dying in video games or misspellings.

8) The entire universe, all dimensions, planes of existence, and planets, discovered and undiscovered, are filled with Caucasian people. But mostly only those who are very Anglo-American in speech and appearance. They also will most likely be blonde and magical. Sorry everyone else ever. You are just a strange anomaly that exists solely on planet earth.

9) Like a scale, the darker a Black woman’s skin, and heavier her build, can be used as an indication to how sassy she will be in any given movie or T.V show.

10) Asian women can serve as romantic leads or interests. Asian men mostly do not.

11) Black men can serve as romantic leads or interests. Black women mostly do not.

12) In a great number of these romantic situations, Black men will be with White Women. Asian Women will be with White Guys. Apparently some sort of treaty was signed and this was one of the concessions.

13) Jesus is the answer to every Black Person’s problem in a large number of Black movies. Lost your love? Jesus. On drugs? Jesus. Financial problems? Jesus. Angry aliens threatening to probe you? Jesus. Eggs are still a little runny? Still Jesus.

14) Tyler Perry’s makes the same movie, over, and over and over.

15) Live in a foreign land but need a hero because you’re people are completely inept? Find a White guy, and no matter how epic this problem is, he will knock that somma**** out in just an afternoon, with enough time left to spare to also bang your princess, priestess, goddess or whatever other woman you have placed on high.

16) Regardless if there is a legend or myth from an ancient tradition, in a different country, steeped completely in an entire culture of a people, somehow a White guy will arrive to be the chosen one.

17) If you are the one Latino, Black, Asian or even remotely ethnic friend in a situation of survival, you are so dead.

18) A great deal of Black movies and shows are rooted in absurd buffoonery, or terrible misery. It’s a roulette wheel were you are forced to bet red, but all the numbers are black.

19) When Aliens, ghosts, monsters, or any other otherworldly visitors needs help and comes to Earth seeking such desperate assistance, they will always require the aid of White Children…who I assume are magical.

20) Black people have survived slavery, vicious segregation, rampant injustice, and a host of other things that would make you curse God, but in horror films or shows, apparently cannot manage to avoid one stabby manic or monster for more than 30 mins. You hear that Skinheads? You have been doing it all wrong.

21) In any given show or movie, when there are any Latino bangers, and trust me there are going to be Latino bangers, producers will ALWAYS make sure to slip in just one Latino cop to avoid being called racist.

22) If you are White and in a Spike Lee film, you are as evil as Satan being initiated into the Nazi Party, in a ceremony hosted by the Tea Party, with the sacred chant being read by Ronald Reagan, while personally being bathed in the blood of puppies and babies.

23) There are nearly 7 billion people in the world. However only White, Black, Latino, and on some special occasions, Asian people, seem to ever do anything EVER. Everyone else exists in a separate dimension. This phenomenon even occurs in New York City, possibly the largest melting pot in the world.
 Ffrin
Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 2
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23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 3/19/2012 10:51:59 PM
Thank you! I really enjoyed your dissection of that particular movie cliche; would be interested to hear more.
 AtmaX
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 3
23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 3/19/2012 11:16:56 PM
Well thank you, madam. I am flattered you enjoyed it. I actually write these little blurbs for a blog.
 Kentish-Man
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 4
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23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 3/20/2012 6:32:19 AM
You forget that the black man is always willing to sacrifice himself so that the white hero can escape :)

"You go...on....leave me....save yourself...."
 AtmaX
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 5
23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:26:51 AM
LOL That one always kills me, Kentish-Man. Do they still do that?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:51:04 AM
Mine would have to be sorted by era.

1. If the film was made before about 1967, then no one ever actually had sex. Babies were all born at the age of about 12 months, and the woman who gave birth, never appeared to weigh any more, or be larger around than any other non-birthing woman.

2. If the movie were made in the 50's, women didn't have sex because they wanted to, they only did it as a reward for acts of courage and accomplishment above and beyond the call of duty by the tallest male available.

3. if the movie was made in the 1970's, then who ever was seen to be downtrodden at the beginning, especially people of color, they would prove to be the only people capable of rational thought by the end. If you were both white, and old, you were a complete idiot, unless you were also a Jedi.

4. if it was the 1960's or 70's through about 1985, anyone who had a lot of money was a crook, except the undisciplined rebels, who inexplicably were always rewarded with huge contracts by billionaires who secretly thought all along, that being insulted in a puerile fashion was the only thing they ever really needed from the world.

5. If you speak with an upper crust British accent, you are much better educated than anyone else. Also, you will never be required to bend at the waist, or exert yourself strenuously. However, if you have a c0ckney or Australian accent, you will be required to do all of the physical labor not being handled by the "coloreds," and you will be limited in levels of insight, to things involving cooking potatoes and gardening.

6. if you are male, wear glasses, and it's before about 1980, you will never be found desirable by any female, no matter what. Same for females who wear glasses before about 1977.

7. If you are fugly, all that is required to become a runway model, is to take off your glasses , unclip your pony tail, and shake out your hair. This will also cause an entire orchestra to spring out of their surrounding area hiding places, and play dramatic, heart rending music.
 jujubean52
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 7
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Lessons I have learned from U.S Films pre 1970
Posted: 3/21/2012 12:13:33 PM
Women are good screamers whether being hauled off by giant King Kong types or face to face with death but don't count on them fighting even when they had on pants. there were exceptions , but mostly the bottle to the head fighters were the women who the rest of us know would be portrayed as lesbian if the film were remade. Calamity Jane comes to mind.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 8
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Rules from Halloween horror movies
Posted: 3/25/2012 4:52:54 AM
If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe.

1 - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2 - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3 - Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4 - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5 - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."

6 - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that fun.

7 - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8 - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY!

9 - If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10 - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11 - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12 - Don't fool with recombining DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13 - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14 - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15 - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16 - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17 - Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18 - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19 - Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights!

20 - Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21 - Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
 Ffrin
Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 9
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Rules from Halloween horror movies
Posted: 3/26/2012 5:06:31 AM
Msg 8 brilliant!!

If only this advice had been available to those ladies who wake up thinking, I wonder what that funny noise in the cellar/graveyard/kids' bedroom/garage is? I'll just undo a couple of buttons on my nightie, slip on a pair of high heels and go find out!
 DanceFiendStrapS
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 10
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Rules from Halloween horror movies
Posted: 4/8/2012 12:39:17 AM
I think I know why black people or anyone of the ethnic minority die first....
WHITE people haha
I tell you most what, majority of horror/thriller movies I've seen are as such...
White person goes to search for something in the dark ... flashlight starts flashing so their initial reaction IS TO HIT IT?!?!?!?!!? black person is like are you stupid lets turn back. White person tends to say oh c'mon it's nothing, thus killing the black person first then he dies shortly after.
I think the only movie whereby I KNOW the black person lives is Deep Blue Sea, I mean come on you can't kill the Jay!
 seymore.fish
Joined: 10/29/2011
Msg: 11
Rules from Halloween horror movies
Posted: 4/10/2012 5:17:12 PM
An English accent makes you a better villain
 TruthGrower
Joined: 4/29/2012
Msg: 12
23 Lessons I have learned from U.S Films
Posted: 12/9/2012 10:15:15 PM
Now that I've read this thread, I know what's going to happen in EVERY Hollywood movie. Thanks guys! You just saved me a lot of time.
 richiejb
Joined: 9/28/2011
Msg: 13
Rules from Halloween horror movies
Posted: 12/10/2012 3:50:55 PM

I think the only movie whereby I KNOW the black person lives is Deep Blue Sea, I mean come on you can't kill the Jay!


Also, Childs from The Thing remains at the end with MacReady, and this was as far back as 1982.
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