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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > paying child support for non-biological children      Home login  
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 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 1
paying child support for non-biological childrenPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I want some advice from parents.

My common law husband filed for divorce two weeks ago. He and I have been together for four years, his ex and her partner for nearly six so this is not a case of her being cheated on or abandoned by her husband for a new woman. In fact, she left him for this man years ago. There are two children involved. One is my partner's, one the product of yet another affair this woman had thirteen years ago. His ex has now admitted publically that my partner is not the father and has told her daughter the same. She even went so far as to tell her who her biological father is, and allow that individual to be listed as the child's "mother" on her facebook page. That is right, I said mother. The person in question is transgender.

Now that individuals gender identity is not the issue, although it certainly causes a lot of confusion for a twelve year old I am sure. The problem is that despite the fact this person acknowledges parternity on a public forum, and is gainfully employed by the way, he has not offered one cent in support for his offspring and my partner's ex is not asking for such. Instead, she is going after my partner for additional support money; something that just became an issue for her since she received the paperwork for the divorce by the way. Prior to that, she made not a single noise about the amount of money she was getting and now she wants nearly double that amount.

In a bid to put a stop to this woman's ridiculous, malicious behaviour my partner is now being forced to get a DNA test on both himself and this little girl who he has called daughter and whom has called him daddy for nearly thirteen years and it is all winding up to be a bitter, hate filled court battle with this little girl being the bone of contention. Her mother is telling her that my partner is disowning her when in fact he is heart broken over all of this but is being forced into this corner by her unreasonable demands. He is already paying more per month than his income would legally require him to pay for the one child that is his so he is offering financial support for the child of his own accord, he has health and dental coverage through his work for her, has her as a beneficiary on an insurance policy, (the proceeds from which she would share in equally with his biological children should anything happen to him), pays for numerous other things in her life, and most importantly, he includes her in all aspects of his family life as often as he can based on the fact that he lives in one province, she in another. Having a family that will accept her is priceless in my opinion and now that is all in jeopardy because this woman refuses to take any responsibility for her own child (neither she nor her current partner work) nor hold the party who impregnated her accountable financially.

What do you say to a child under these circumstances?
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:31:31 PM
I personally feel all children should be given DNA paternity tests at birth to avoid this kind of thing..........
so the test is to be done. wait and see.
After paternity is estabilshed, all the rest can come later.

Although I understand what your concern is of an emotional attachement... the test will not change that hopefully. It could be child is not his. Then he pays nothing...

if he is not the father and there is no father he could always adopt her.

this is a very complicated situation.
 vanexec
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 3
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:36:48 PM
In Canada that is not the case.

Non-biological parents are just as on the hook for step-children as biological parents are for their children. Your partner could very likely end up paying alimony to his ex (even if only common-law), child support for his biological child, as well as child support for his non-biological child.

This will ESPECIALLY be the case if the ex were to to go to the government looking for social assistance. I believe that social assistance will go after your partner on the ex's behalf, even if she doesn't ask them to.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 4
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:39:04 PM
His name is on the birth certicifate and as much as I wish what you were saying was true, he could be on the hook for paying for her for an additional five years of child support minimum. Family Law is draconian in its outdated approach to mandating support. And it is not that he does not want to support her at all, he just cannot afford to pay her mother the amount she is asking and maintain his own lifestyle.

We already know what the results of the test are going to show, we just have to have it done to provide the court with incontrovertible proof that my partner is not her father if we have a hope in hell of putting an end to this woman's demands for money.

What we do not know is how to deal with the fallout of all of this in regard to talking to the child about it without getting into addressing her mother's behaviour because every word we say, no matter how true or just, will be repeated back to mommy and that will just turn into a he said/she said finger pointing, name calling disaster.

Because her mother refuses to take any blame for this whole mess and is saying that my partner is doing this so he can disown the little girl I am sure she is going to be devastated. As far as me and my partner are concerned he can be her daddy but, he is not willingly going to pay her umemployed mother any more money, especially when there is a biological father in the picture now. If the courts mandate it, so be it but, we are not buckling under to her insanity any longer.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 5
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:40:35 PM
Yes, I know all about what the law can do but, they have discretion in the matter and there is another avenue available to explore in terms of support; the biological father whose name and location is known.

What will be will be on that front. I have no say in any of that, the judge will decide but, in the meantime, what do we say to the child?
 vanexec
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 6
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:44:51 PM
I wouldn't say anything to the child.

How much money your partner pays in alimony and child support to his biological and non-biological children doesn't matter in the sense of what the child needs to know.

Whether or not your partner can continue the lifestyle he wants is also irrelevant in the eyes of the court. It's about what is in the best interests of the child. The court could very well go after both the biological parent and the non-biological parent if they feel the amount of money paid by one is not fully sufficient.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 7
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:49:07 PM
Sigh, it is not about discussing money with her. It is about the fact that her mother is telling her the man she calls her father is disowning her. That is NOT what is going on here. We just want to make her understand that none of this was initiated by her "dad" without bad mouthing her mother to her because that does not help matters either. What we say about that woman in private or, to other adults is one thing but, we have to be diplomatic in this regard in dealing with the child because for better or worse, that is her mother.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 8
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:49:08 PM
in the meantime, what do we say to the child?

nothing
 vanexec
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 9
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:54:04 PM
Maybe it's just a simplistic view of it, but you can't control what this other person is telling the child. Trying to talk to the child to show them your side of the situation does nothing but put the child in the middle of it all.

I'd advise to just continue the relationship as normal. Children are smarter than people give them credit for and the child will see that even though her mother is saying your partner has disowned her that he is in fact still in her life (as much as he can be). Maybe the child won't understand today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, but at some point in their life they will look back at your partner and realize what an important role they played in his/her life. It's better than get into a he said she said argument with the child in the middle. It will just lead to big counseling bills for the child down the road.

That's just my take on it anyway.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 10
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:54:14 PM
So we let her believe that the man she thinks of as her dad is trying to disown her?
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 11
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:56:43 PM
That makes a lot of sense vanexec. It might be a bitter pill to swallow in the short-term but, in the long term it might work out for the best.

I will keep my fingers crossed for speedy resolution to this problem that does the minimal amount of damage to the child. Mediation has been put on the table as an option from our end of things. Lets hope her mother has enough sense and enough regard for her daughter to take that option and not turn this into a nasty court battle.
 cautiousluv
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 12
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 1:58:00 PM

Because her mother refuses to take any blame for this whole mess and is saying that my partner is doing this so he can disown the little girl I am sure she is going to be devastated

To me....this woman is a p i s s pore excuse for a human being. As a mother......you would think she would want to protect her daughter's feelings in this whole mess she got everyone in.


What we do not know is how to deal with the fallout of all of this in regard to talking to the child about it without getting into addressing her mother's behaviour because every word we say, no matter how true or just, will be repeated back to mommy and that will just turn into a he said/she said finger pointing, name calling disaster.


I would just be as honest and forthright with her as I could without saying anything negative about the mom.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 13
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 2:00:28 PM
Oh, I agree with you cautiousluv and we will do our best not to sink to her level.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 14
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 3:06:29 PM
How old was she when he came into her life? He pays CS for their one child together, does he pay anything extra towards his non-biological child?
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 15
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 3:29:45 PM
Non-biological parents can be ordered to pay child support here in Canada but certain conditions come into play and it also relates to the length of time the non-biological parent has taken on that role. The term applied is if they have 'stood in the place of a parent' financially and emotionally with zero support ever being court ordered from the biological parent and if the non-biological child is considered a child 'of the marriage'.

Let me try and explain....( I am using the mother as the custodial parent in this example but of course, if the father was raising the child, the laws would apply to him too).

A couple has a child and then split up. The child lives with her mother and has limited access to her father. He does not see the child regularly and does not provide emotional support. He does not pay child support even though morally he should. The mother has two options -
Option 1 - she can accept the situation
Option 2 - She can take him to court for child support.

If she takes him to court, she will be awarded child support based on the table amount of the province (which is a set amount based on his income and the number of children). He will either pay this or he won't but the important fact is that she has pursued the biological father for support, the court has agreed and he is legally recognized as being responsible for that child. This means that she CANNOT ask the courts for another court order from another 'parent' for the same child. But, let's go with her not taking the biological father to court and so there is no court ordered support and no legal support document.

She later meets a new partner who accepts her child as his own and they have a family together. All of the children are treated equally. The all get the chance to join sports teams which has an impact on the family unit. They all go on outings as a family. In all aspects, the first child is fully part of the family.

Years pass and the step father has established a pattern of financially supporting this child. He also emotionally supports the child in his role as a step father. He has stepped up and taken the place of the absent biological father.
If later that marriage fails, the first child will be considered as part of the child support order because like the other children, she will be considered a 'child of the marriage'. (Marriage does not necessarily mean legal marriage because common-law marriage is grouped under the heading). Again, the table amount will be applied which looks at the step-father's income level and the number of children 'of the marriage' including the first child.

So based on what I am understanding about your situation, your ex has provided for his daughter during their time as a couple and also for the 6 years they have been apart but was believing this child was his biological daughter in doing so. He did not knowingly step into the role of a parent because he thought he was her father. He will not be made to pay based on this part of the law because this situation does not fit the definition. He was duped into paying and he is not obligated to continue IF this child is not his. This is not the circumstance that this law was created for.

As you are doing, the first thing that has to happen, is this claim has to be investigated and a DNA test will show that.
The second thing you need to be aware of is that child support and access are separate issues here in Canada. And so, if this horrible situation turns out to be true, he can still apply to family court for access to this child he has raised as his own and in doing so, he is not financially liable for paying support to see her because these issues are not connected.

He has a relationship with this little girl and she has one with him and the courts are highly unlikely to take that away just because it's suddenly come to light that he is not biologically her Dad. I think the term is a 'child of the heart' but I'm not sure if that's a legal term or just a term commonly used by the courts.

Now, agreements such as the provision of health insurance, sometimes a life insurance policy for the term children are minors etc., are normally all part of a child support agreement but in this situation, child support is not something he is liable for. Certainly, if he wanted to offer just that (health insurance) the court would see that as him continuing to look after a child who is not his and therefore reflective of his good intentions towards her when and if he decided to go for legal access.

What do you say to this child ? You tell her that regardless of the outcome of the test, she is his daughter. He has always loved her as his daughter and nothing will change that. She has always been and always will be part of his family and she will always be welcome in his home. And once you've said that, you show it to be true.

I have seen first hand the effects of a child rejected by a parent and it's long lasting and deep. If you wish to message me, you are more then welcome to do so. I'm in Canada too.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 16
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:11:59 PM
I am going to pass this on to my partner. We are hoping that a court battle will not be necessary and that if it is the outcome will be that the mother is forced to puruse the biological father when patnerity is established legally. I know my partner wants to continue to be a part of this little girls life and if the mother is told what her standing is in all of this once and for all, that is what we will try to do.
 HeartsAndSparks
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 17
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:33:43 PM
While I totally agree with one of the other posters comments that DNA tests should be done at birth for children to avoid these messes, there are a couple things were are forgetting in this whole situation...first and foremost that the child support is for the best interests of the CHILD. How long has your partner been the father figure for this child? If it's anything more than a year, then he is indeed responsible for continuing the care of the child. The whole situation sucks, of course, but the reality is that he stepped up and took responsibility for this child as if it were his own (regardless of the fact he didn't know it might not be). That child has received a certain amount of care for x number of years, and to expect the courts to stop ordering that because of DNA found out after the fact is wishful thinking. The courts don't care about HIM being unable to live the lifestyle he wants...they care about the child being properly supported. I think it's kind of callous, to be honest, to all of a sudden let a child who you had cared for as your own go unsupported because you are pissed off at the mom for lying. It's not the child's fault.

Side note...unless the other father is able to maintain and support to the same extent as your partner has been, the courts will probably not recind the order on your partner. The courts are going to order in favor of the best interests of the CHILD, and no one elses. Sorry...
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 18
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:37:00 PM
I remember this story.........

The first time you told the story, you were the one who wanted to rip the little girls world apart & tell her the man that raised her is not her father, because you were upset about the fact that he had an obligation to someone besides you, & were quite jealous that his ex & her new partner seemed to be living a better lifestyle than y'all were.

If he CHOSE to accept a child from an affair, CHOSE to act as the father & put his name on the birth certificate, then that is his child. Legally & Morally. Period.

And what does the fact that the bio-dad is transgendered have to do with anything? His business, not yours.

Sorry to hear about the divorce :)
 valleyfosh
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 19
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:42:53 PM
stay clear of single mothers unwed or devorced thats there history and social services will look after them as they always do mothers get all the support fathers just pay up
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 20
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 5:00:24 PM
He just found out last year. I most certainly am not jealous of two drug users who have not worked in five years. I am not making an issue of the fathers gender identity, his daughter is confused about why her father is being called her mother.

I asked what the child should be told now that her mother told her about her paternity in a fit of rage at my partner. This rant is useless to me and useless to the child in question.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 21
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 5:24:44 PM
Ummm...last time you posted you said they had jobs & earned a high income, & you were angry because you felt they didnt "need" the support because they had money & a lavish lifestyle.

Now they are druggies & broke?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/3/2012 7:41:02 PM
What the mothers 'wants' has little to do with what the courts will decide.
The girl is 12 and if she is half as intelligent as my 13 year old daughter she will not be persuaded to stop loving her Dad or treat him any differently than she always had. Teenagers are quite capable of making decisions for themselves.

Have you posted this story in the past? I have been on these forums for a number of years and I have heard this transsexual tale before. Doesn't your 'husband' have a few sons he also has sketchy relationships with? I seem to remember a story about the visiting kid sleeping in and having sex in the guest room and not washing the sheets.......am I remembering right?
There are not a lot of females claiming open marriages on this site.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 23
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:02:36 AM
@ HeartsAndSparks -


<div class="quote">but the reality is that he stepped up and took responsibility for this child as if it were his own (regardless of the fact he didn't know it might not be). That child has received a certain amount of care for x number of years, and to expect the courts to stop ordering that because of DNA found out after the fact is wishful thinking.

This isn't correct. With regard to non-biological parents paying support in Canada, it is driven by the non-biological parents having 'stepped up as a parent'. This refers to the circumstances where a non-biological parent has financially supported a child who was not theirs in the knowledge that their biological parent was not doing so.

This is not the case here. This man believed he was supporting his own child. He has a proven track record of paying over and above the table amount which the courts would have awarded but that was because he believed this child to be his. I did not know he was paying to raise a child who was not his. He did not voluntarily accept that role.

If the ex is going to pursue anyone for financial assistance to raise the child in future, her only option is the biological father and in certain circumstances, that amount can be back-dated, although it's unlikely to be back-dated for the lifetime of child. Just because this man has been tricked into paying towards raising this little girl for the last 12 years, no court is going to say he is obligated to continue to do so. The fact that his name is on the birth certificate will further support the fact that he was duped from the beginning.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 24
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paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/4/2012 7:01:47 AM
Just because this man has been tricked into paying towards raising this little girl for the last 12 years, no court is going to say he is obligated to continue to do so. The fact that his name is on the birth certificate will further support the fact that he was duped from the beginning.


As much sense as it makes that he shouldn't be obligated because of the fact that it was under false pretenses, most courts WILL make him continue to pay because he missed his window of opportunity (usually about 1 year) to absolve himself of any responsibilities. At this point he's on the hook until the kid turns 18.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 25
paying child support for non-biological children
Posted: 4/4/2012 7:12:53 AM
^^^ That may be true in the States but not here in Canada.
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