| | Broken marriagesPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I came from a 2 parent family. My mum and dad, although not particularly happy, stayed together for my sister and myself. I remember hearing them fight when I was in bed and worrying that they might split up because despite the frequent bad feeling I needed both of them. They seperated when I was 24, my mum left my dad which I think was justified as he gave her a hard time.
I often wonder what it would have been like if they had split when we were young. Although I think it was an unselfish act on their part is it better to stay together for the children or live apart? I have never married and neither has my sister which may be the result of their not so happy marriage.
Do you think that your parent's relationship, whether happy or unhappy, has had an impact on the way you view your own relationships? | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 10:45:59 AM | Probably, my parents had a long and happy marriage as did all people I knew growing up. I tend to find the short term thinking of modern marriages rather sad and not something I agree with.
Thankfully I'm the only divorcee in my circle of friends. Everyone else is happily married in long term relationships. They must be screwing up the modern day statistics. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:17:38 AM | | My mum remarried so i had a father figure there.. but didnt like him. My husband left me and the kids and i was utterly devastated at the time . I have often wondered, if he had come from a broken home would he have walked away from our marriage so easily. He didnt care nor had any thought to the hurt and pain he put us all through. Still, being forced into single parenthood isnt bad depending on your mindset. I'm glad he left. took me a while to get over it, but now i look back on all that me and my boys have and are achieving and know if i was still with him then the things we do now would never have come to reality while still with him. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:20:03 AM | My parent's were divorced when I was about 17,
and was unfortunately it was never a very close family prior to that.
I believe childhood has more of a bearing on how we grow
up and greatly influences our thoughts and actions in later years | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:40:52 AM | My role models for marriage were my Gran and Granddad who were married over 60 years until my Granddad finally past away. They played a big part in my childhood, as my Mum and Dad divorced when I was 3. My Dad was a very 'hands off' Father, who only played when it was layed on a plate for him or when he was not dating.
I always wanted to follow in the footsteps of my Grandparents, but sadly the man I decided to marry I did not get to know well enough before marrying him due to a brain virus I had that took away almost 2 years of my life. It was years after we married that I realised that he had been controlling me and trying to surpress the real me, at which point I started to rebel and finally got the strength to leave him.
I admit that I do not have high expectation with regards to men and relationships, but I am learning to let go of the past and I know that my Granddad can not be the only decent, hard working and caring man to have walked this earth.
The things that worry me more now is the throw away society that we live in. It's so easy to opt out when things don't go the way you want them to and people don't like to work at them. Maybe I am guilty of that too?
I don't think it is right to stay with someone for the kids though, as that isn't teaching them about loving relationships, that is teaching them how to co-exist with someone. If you want your children to know how to respect themselves, then you need to show them how you respect yourself. This is no dress rehearsal, it's your life too and you have to live it and live it to the full! | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:46:53 AM | The fact that my parents still fight and threaten divorce after 50 yrs of unhappy marriage is enough to remind me why I left mine, albeit it took me 10 yrs to do it because I desperately wanted my children not to be from a broken family. My own childhood was growing up in a house full of anger and bitterness, both said and unsaid, it's still there when we visit them, so tangible that even my kids commented on it at an early age. Some relationships are so toxic for those in them and those living around them that they do more damage than if they separated. I gave up on God by about 13 when he failed to answer my prayers to get my parents to separate.
An interesting fact that I have been told by my mother and other women in their 70s, 80s and 90s is that in the years leading up to and including the 1970s the law stated that if a husband left his wife she would get social welfare but if she left him then she got nothing. These women have all stated that it was not because they were happy or of moral values that so many marriages stayed together but because the law made it so difficult to survive as a single mother, not only because of the welfare rules but because in those days work was virtually impossible to find if you were a single mum, no childcare as it is today etc and education was not geared towards teaching girls a trade or career so many women had no skills or knowledge of how to earn money. One lady in her 90s told me that the concept of the 'good old days' with proper morals and happy marriages etc is the biggest lie this generation is fed. I found that statement very enlightening. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:50:46 AM | I do believe we do maybe think of relationships and how they work based on our own parents relationship..
Me personally don't agree with broken families.. I believe you make sure 1000% that that you want that relationship before you even concider having children as I do think it affects your children's view on relationships and its a knock on effect for theirs..
I'm really old fashioned thays just me.. I also don't believe in marrying more than once unless under special circumstances | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:53:49 AM | | I also dont believe in marrying more than once , i have done it once lasted over 10 yrs , but thats it for me i wont be doing it ever again . lol | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 11:54:12 AM | Me personally don't agree with broken families.. I believe you make sure 1000% that that you want that relationship before you even concider having children as I do think it affects your children's view on relationships and its a knock on effect for theirs..
I'm sure no one here wanted to end up as part of a broken family, but we did anyway. Sometimes, with all the forethought and love we think we have, things just don't work out. Yes, both of you should make every effort to make it work, but sometimes, it still goes wrong.
Edit:
In most parts i think breaking up your family is one of the most selfish acts going and in most circumstances the breaking up of relationships can be helped
I have to disagree that in most circumstances it can be "helped", I suspect you're right that SOME may be, but I would argue that doesn't apply to MOST. As far as breaking up the family, sometimes, due to violence or where the unhappiness is so strong, then it's the only thing you can do. It should NEVER be taken lightly of course, that's quite correct. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:03:34 PM | People need to realise children are for life not just for the cute baby stage.. everything the parents do in life will affect their children relationship wise or other things..
In most parts i think breaking up your family is one of the most selfish acts going and in most circumstances the breaking up of relationships can be helped. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:09:41 PM | In most parts i think breaking up your family is one of the most selfish acts going and in most circumstances the breaking up of relationships can be helped.
No the most selfish act going is staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids , that does more harm than good , to put kids through the stress and tension of a marriage thats not working is not a good thing to do .Until you yourself have been in that situation then you have no idea at all how bad it can affect the children .For young children to see their parents not getting on day after day can have a devastating affect on them sometimes it kinder on the children to end the marriage . | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:13:32 PM | In most parts i think breaking up your family is one of the most selfish acts going and in most circumstances the breaking up of relationships can be helped.
In my opinion, it isn't the break up that screws the kids head up as much as how the parents act with each other afterwards. If they can put the childs feelings before their own negative feelings, then it doesn't have to be such an ordeal.
This comes from someone who watched his own parents marriage obliterate in the 70s as a child and what i went through has actually made me do it the right way as the father. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:16:53 PM | I disagree..
It's tough luck really if your in a bad relationship.. who's fault is it really?? The kids? No of course not so why should they suffer just because two people decide to procreate and **** up their relationship..
This country has gone to pot because of selfish humans that can't be a good parents | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:19:59 PM |
It's tough luck really if your in a bad relationship.. who's fault is it really?? The kids? No of course not so why should they suffer just because two people decide to procreate and **** up their relationship.
Don't you understand what people have said? If two people are very unhappy then the children will pick up on it and suffer anyway. An amicable split (if it can be amicable) is better for them. What if there is violence in the home? Should the children stay there, see that, or possibly be subjected to it? | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:23:43 PM | | Jim you're 22 yrs old, how long have you been married for? Or maybe it sounds like your parents' relationship affected you too eh? I do hope for your sake that you have a happy and successful marriage that lasts the whole of your life. Me personally I'm never getting married again. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:23:43 PM | It's tough luck really if your in a bad relationship.. who's fault is it really?? The kids? No of course not so why should they suffer just because two people decide to procreate and **** up their relationship..
Maybe at the time they had kids the marriage was fantastic , it could be yrs after having children that the marriage goes downhill , and no its not the kids fault and that is why i feel it would be wrong to put them through the pain of living with parents whose marriage has gone downhill , would you rather the children live in an environment where they see arguing day in day out , in some cases abuse , in some cases violence , are you telling me kids wont suffer if they see this day in day out ?. Until you have children of your own you have no idea what damage it can do to the child . | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:27:19 PM | I understand what people are saying..
If people were good parents then there would be no violence, no heartbreaks, no split
If two people in a relationship are unhappy I personally think they should be strong and try atleast (no relationships easy) splitting up is the selfish option and weak and ruins everyone | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:27:51 PM | My parents had an unhappy marriage. My father beat my mother, had affairs and she was miserable and took her misery out on my sisters and I...not good.
The had clocked up 47 miserable years when she died 10 years ago. My marriage was falling apart when I went to my mother's funeral. I'd never seen her look so happy and she was in a coffin. I looked at my dad and husband and thought "hell no". I wasn't going to end up miserable in life but happy dead...I left him.
Our children however were happier. Although apart we never missed an open evening, recital, birthday, graduation, flat warming. We still spend August bank holiday by the seaside as a family unit and our girls are 20, 24 and 29. We travelled to visit our girls in uni togetheri and today I had lunch with my ex husband and mother-in-law, they felt sorry for me as the girls are away with their partners, bless em.
I wasn't going to live an unhappy life, but we both wanted the girls to feel loved, they've never been in any doubt and we've raised three happy, loving, respectful intelligent young ladies. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:32:09 PM |
If people were good parents then there would be no violence, no heartbreaks, no split
So are you saying every parent who has divorced is a bad parent ?
Maybe when you are married and you do have children you will understand it better .
What about the parent who abuses the child ? Do you think they should still work at the marriage for the sake of the child ?
More often than not most parents will do what they think is the best option for their child , it is not a selfish act to walk away from a marriage that is not working it is one of the hardest things parents can do who have children . | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:33:44 PM | Yes im 22.. what's that got to do with me having an opinion on topics in life?
I've never been married nor have I got children why? Because I'm not ready and if I'm not ready why would i have children I'm not ready to look after or to even substain a happy marriage? Because of 2 things one I would be a rubbish husband and two a rubbish father..
And that would be sure to cause a split up
For some of you people my advice is a waste as you have already messed up.. but for some others I might actually make some sense
Conversation over from me | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:33:51 PM |
to walk away from a marriage that is not working it is one of the hardest things parents can do who have children .
The hardest thing I have ever done. Not sure anything will ever compare to it. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:35:01 PM | | Speaking from experience, two happy homes for a child is preferable to one unhappy one. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:39:23 PM |
For some of you people my advice is a waste as you have already messed up.. but for some others I might actually make some sense
Conversation over from me
Good. Because you're not allowing for anyone's opinion to have any validity except your own. And for those of us who have "messed up" as you so nicely put it, how can you comment on our situations when you know nothing about them? | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:47:41 PM | For some of you people my advice is a waste as you have already messed up.. but for some others I might actually make some sense
Advice from a young lad that has no experience of being married that has no experience of having children and that really has no experience of being in a long term relationship ...I rest my case .....
Now opinions are a different matter . | |
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Posted: 4/8/2012 12:55:14 PM | I don't think my parents relationship had much of an impact on how I view them.
They had a totally different outlook to the one I do because they are totally different people.
I will say that I am glad they eventually split up because they weren't happy together - I feel the relationship I had with my father may have played a part in that, but I don't feel I am the sole cause for it happening.
Both me and my sister just felt a lot more relaxed when they finally split up and whilst I chose to ignore my father afterwards, my sister saw him on a regular basis.
I totally disagree with the idea that people should stay together just because they have kids. I think kids are far more resilient than people give them credit for and whilst many may be sad that their parents are no longer together, I would say that the vast majority of kids from "broken homes" are relieved that their parents aren't constantly fighting all the time - not including the ones where the parents are still fighting even after the split.
We were older kids when they split, but I think we'd have both thought the same if it had have happened when I first thought they should split up (about 7 or 8 years before they did)
My mum has done a fairly good job with us and whilst I disappoint her at times, I doubt I'd have been much different if they'd stayed together | |
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