Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 knnykool
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 1
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTFPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
hey all, here it is in a nutshell, met a girl out here who only dated spanish guys, i was the first italian (white) guy she dated, well we were together for 6 months, fell in love together pretty heavy, ya know told me no one ever treated her the way i did, I really didnt do anything special, just treated her like i would anyone i cared about, well anyway she dated this jackass for five years had a kid with him, hes a 3 year old, well i guess this guy cheated on her, beat her up, most of the time, he cheated he got busted, he beat her up chopped her hair off with scissors she had him arrested and this was all early last year, she met me, fell in love with me swore she hated this ass...and would never to return to him, hes belittled her on email, broke her windshield, shes had him arrested a few times, and always told me she felt bad because her son couldnt grow up with his dad, she told me once that she was thinking about going back, that she should give him the chance to show hes changed, I talked her out of it, told her he would beat her again and god knows what else, she stayed with me, that was last month, now he sends her emails, telling her shes a slut and got a fat ass, and all this sh*t last saturday, Ccme easter she is with me in the a.m. and tells me shes in love with me, and calls me in the afternoon telling me the same, 6 oclock that nite i get a txt mssge, that shes going to give him another try.!!! she says shes got to try and make it work, ....... My question is, why would a girl return to someone like that ??? knowing what kind of guy he is, !!!
 TempusFujis
Joined: 4/5/2012
Msg: 2
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:34:44 PM
The woman is Phucked up, end of story,
Its sucks but believe me when I say this, she doesn't know her ass from her elbow,to her its a self esteem issue, you were probably too nice
and predicable and she rather go with the devil she knows, people do strange things, heck I dont know why people eat at KFC but they do.

Don't be surprised after he beats her again , she comes crawling back to you begging for forgiveness , at best its a toxic situation and you want no part of it or her, I feel sorry for the kid.
 chamwit
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 3
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:36:44 PM
Be greatful you are not the other guy that has to put up with her crap. She sounds seriously messed up.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 4
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:40:20 PM
Your in way to deep. She warned you and told you she was going to go back to him. You should of listened. Its her decision not yours. Pick up and move on.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 5
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:43:49 PM
Move on pal, delete and block her number, remove all emails and block.

This can happen with patterns of abuse. For some reason(I'm no doctor so I can't give you the technical jargon) some people, usually with low self esteem, will repeat this over and over. In the worst cases, it results in murder.

You have to feel sorry for not only her, but especially the child. He has no defense against this slime. If you stay around, you will only become the person who she runs to, when it gets bad.

You cannot fix someone else, she has to get help from a professional, and stick to her guns, breaking it off, and having no further contact with this guy.

Good luck
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 6
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:45:12 PM
My question is, why would a girl return to someone like that ???
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Well, sexually, there are people that like to be tied up and whipped. You could ask the same question of them and I'm sure you'll get a definate answer.

My input: She likes the treatment.
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:46:15 PM
Unfortunately, she has mental/ emotional issues. Your new mantra - Better him than you (lather, rinse, repeat as necessary).

Break contact (change phone, etc.) before he goes nuts on you. NO MORE contact, no matter what "Mr. Happy" wants!
 cubanguy
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:52:55 PM
I don´t recall where I read once that battered people, as an average, break up definitely only after the fith o six times of the domestic violent incident.

Pick up your lossess and move on.
 Jamie95622
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 9
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:12:42 PM
i dunno,,,,,,,perhaps she was willing to do ANYTHING to get away from you????

always two sides to a story....

sincerely yours ....the devil's advocate
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 10
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:17:30 PM
She's co-dependent and likes the drama. If he did change..she probably wouldn't want him anymore.
 grasshopperslippers
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 11
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:32:09 PM
Probably her PIMP..lol your better off without her.. if she is soooo blind to see her real man
is before her, treating with great respect.. She is not the one for you... I am so thankful that i don't
have to deal with that crap. Some people are born with brains and self esteen.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:35:17 PM
Bullies and their victims have a lot in common.
She's as sick as he is.
 xgillybx
Joined: 11/24/2011
Msg: 13
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:49:51 PM
Very funny @ Jamie95622, had me giggling :)
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 14
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:17:21 PM
People who get into abusive relationships have learned to accept them, probably in their formative years. Its not that they like being abused, its that they have the skills to deal with it, but don't have the skills to deal with non-abusive relationships.

My theory is that abusive relationships are cyclical, they oscillate between kindness and abuse. At the start kindness is welcome, but they've learned that abuse follows kindness, so after a while their anxiety level increases waiting for the abuse. The fear of something is always worse than actually doing it, so when the abuse arrives, they use that adrenalin for survival and the fear is dissipated.

Put that same person in a situation where they are treated normally, the anxiety waiting for abuse increases, but is never dissipated. This can be a more painful experience, or overwhelming than the abuse itself.

I've just finished reading Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. He grew up with violent abuse and went on to be the founder of a company that deals with abuse from domestic violence to presidential assassinations from a predictive (and therefore avoiding) stance and he describes the dynamic slightly differently. He suggests that the 'high' (or relief) of surviving violence and passing back to the kindness stage becomes addictive.

He made an interesting point about women not leaving violent relationships. He describes a time in his childhood where he left a volatile home situation with his little sister in the middle of the night, went to a public phone booth and called the police to report two youths hanging around in the area suspiciously. The two youths were him and his little sister. He reasoned it was better to be arrested and be safe in a prison cell, than be at home. Why had he never tried to leave before? Because he'd never thought of the idea before. He suggests that many women stay in violent, or otherwise abusive relationships because they don't see any other other options, or choices. This concept of no choice is fostered by abusers.

In lab experiments using rats in a maze, electric shocks were administered in different variables. In some the rat found its way round the maze to a food source, but was subject to a shock in approaching the food. The rat quickly learned to cope with the shock in order to get the reward of food. In another group the rats were shocked randomly as they went round the maze. These rats, having no control, options, or choices came to exhibit symptoms of depression, including immobility, lethargy and a lack of desire to find the food source.

Its interesting that you say this man sent her an email calling her a slut before she left to go back to him. This man was deliberately taking away her options and choices by playing into societal expectations and norms. A woman who has relationships with men other than the father of her child(ren) is considered of low morals and no status. He's saying the only way for her to have societal respect is to allow him to disrespect her. The lack of societal respect was less appealing to her than the lack of respect from him, as she has the skills to deal with the latter, but not the former.

Its also notable that you mention you're the first white man she's had a relationship with. Why did you feel this was important to mention in your OP? What is the significance of this, as you see it?
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 15
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:17:47 PM
She has low self-esteem and self-worth. However this man treats her though, she knows he will always come back to her. She sees that as love. That's as much reliability as she's used to. Her self-esteem issues mean that she doesn't feel she can cope alone and someone is better then no one, in her mind.

Yes, you treated her well, but she didn't understand that. She doesn't understand that she is worth more then the situation she has returned to. And to an extent, because you treated her well, she was fearful that one day, you'd realize she was as worthless as she believed, and leave her.

People like her need a wider support network to escape the abuse. They need counselling and reassurance from more then one source that they do deserve better. Without the support network to help her rationalize her thoughts in times of self-doubt, without slowly building her self-esteem, she will never truly believe she's worth any more. She is inter-dependent with him and that's not a quick fix situation. You can't fix her, she needs to want to fix herself.
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 16
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:28:43 PM

Probably her PIMP..lol your better off without her.. if she is soooo blind to see her real man
is before her, treating with great respect.. She is not the one for you... I am so thankful that i don't
have to deal with that crap. Some people are born with brains and self esteen.

So assuming you're not talking out of you bottom and there is a hereditary link with the combined forces of intelligence and self-esteem and assuming environment has no impact upon perceptions of self-worth and the accumulation of knowledge, would you be equally as disparaging towards people who have other genetically inherited traits beyond their control, such as the amount of melanin in their skin, their gender, or learning disabilities?

Or is it just socially acceptable, or personally laudable to kick other women when they're down to increase your own self-worth?

There's something recognisably circular in the abuse you demonstrated in your post. Maybe you are dealing with this crap, eh?
 Kentish-Man
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 17
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:36:56 PM
OP, why would *you* want to go out with a girl like that? Talk about drama....
 many_joyful_returns
Joined: 5/18/2011
Msg: 18
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:00:42 PM

and always told me she felt bad because her son couldnt grow up with his dad, she told me once she was thinking about going back, that she should give him the chance to show hes changed


She feels guilty about putting her needs (to get away from her abuser) above what she believes is in her son's best interest (to grow up with his dad). She hasn't yet realized that her son isn't immune from the abuse. For his sake and hers, I hope she figures this out and reaches deep inside to find the strength to break the pattern.

mjr
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 19
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:02:47 PM

why would a girl return to someone like that ??? knowing what kind of guy he is, !!!


Another factor in people staying in the cycle of abuse is because part of the cycle of abuse is the rescue/honeymoon phase, in which traumatic bonding occurs, akin to the Stockholm Syndrome. Someone described it to me like this: if someone pushes you out of a boat way out in the ocean, you are terrified and go into a primal state of shear terror. If that person then also pulls you out of the ocean and back into the safety of the boat, you might bond to that person for saving your life and that feeling of relief, rescue, might override the threat in your mind. That’s why you so often hear abuse surivivors say, but s/he’s REALLY so good, or we get along most of the time.

Some people say that the key to getting abuse targets to leave is to have them journal the bad stuff so they remember and see the reality in their own handwriting and can't ell themselves, but he's REALLY so good. (which is what they want, of course. Who wants to believe someone terrorizes them, especially someone close to them?) Another thing is to help them recognize that the most insidious part of the abuse cycle is the rescue or honeymoon phase in which the abuser is soooo very good, spectacular, better than most. Abuse targets often think that that is when their abuser is being good (his “real” self), when really, that is when they are being their worst, because they give the sugar to keep the partner in place. It’s disgusting.

Anyway, don’t take that as any reason to try to do anything about this. It’s a nasty mess, so I'd stay away from her.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 20
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:58:41 PM
My question is, why would a guy carry on on POF about someone like that ??? knowing what kind of girl she is, !!! ???

Trailer park trash, Jerry Springer show fodder!
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 21
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:23:55 PM
I'd guess in her upbringing, through all her relationships--"normal" and "love" involves great pain and suffering, tests, low self esteem identity, numbness, shame, guilt, manipulation, obligation, taking on other people's problems, covering for them, being loyal to this tie eve if it hurts you-that is "love"-blind loyalty and even dying for this love...
A "normal" relationship outside of this is unfamiliar, fake, inauthentic because there is no great sacrifice--"too easy", too fat and luxurious, too safe.
It's twisted, but "normal" if that's the only thing you've ever known.
As time goes on, one sees if your date has grown up in dysfunction, it has a weight on who they are now.
Get 2 people from difficult families--they may understand each other well but often they produce a conflictual ltr until they work out a lot of those issues.
 sparkledrive
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 22
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:25:21 PM
Prolly for the same reason why you would want to be with a girl who wants to be with a man like that.....
 goldvelvetwoman
Joined: 12/31/2011
Msg: 23
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:27:46 PM
In a word '' Forgiveness ''
However it is clear she needs your help, be a hero and rescue her she needs time to think and TLC to heal and complete her self as who knows what atrosaties she has been put through to impare her survival instincts and skills.
 Zermatt
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
History
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:45:52 PM
OP, have you heard of White Knight Syndrome? Where guys want to rescue a damsel in distress? Problem is, you rescue a damsel in distress, what you get is a damsel in distress. Not a whole woman who wants to love and nurture you but a pack of problems and drams.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 25
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 8:03:29 PM
She maybe one of those women willing to work things out for the sake of her children.

However, if the guy doesn't change, that would be a horrible upbringing for the child.


If abusers are abusive towards their SO, chances are they will be abusive towards their children as well. That is how the pattern usually goes.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF