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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings      Home login  
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 mysteryxyz
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 1
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelingsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hey, I need ppl's opinion about a situation.
I met a guy on POF 2 months ago. He is a very nice guy with good values. We've been on 6 dates so far and everything was great. We also talk online like everyday or 2.
From day 1 we were very comfortable and we like eachother. Everytime we spend some time together, we both have so much fun. And we have an incredible chemistry!
However, he doesnt talk about us. I asked him on the 6th date to be a bit more open about his feelings and he told me that its just the way he is, that he doesnt like to talk about sentimental stuff and that guys are simply like that. So I am always the one who has to initiate these type of conversations. When I tell him that I like to be with him, he replies "me too" and I know that he is telling the truth. It doesnt bother me that much because at least he shows his love for me physically (hugs, kisses, holding hands, look me in the eyes when we talk, etc).
Also, I asked him on the 4th date what he wanted from me and he said something serious.

We've came to a point that Id be ready to be in a relationship with him. Im 99% sure that it wont be him who will ask me to be his gf. However im not 100% sure if he is ready or not (even though i know he likes me and stuff)...

So the question is, what to do? Do I have to ask him if he already sees me as his gf or not yet?
And Am I always the one who will have to initiate a conversation about sentimental stuff?
 zeek655
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 2
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 6:41:08 PM
First off, stop trying to break down every moment of your time with him. If you have a great time with him, and he with you, why focus on all that will eventually happen. He is a lot like most guys in regards to feelings. Did you ever see the movie Forest Gump? That character is about how guys have feelings. We cry at the extreme moments that are needed and everything else is just "OK" to us. The actions should speak for themselves.

What you may want to do is slide into a conversation about exclusivity. Ask if he sees himself just seeing you and you seeing only him. If you two are locked into each other, well that is really all you need. Spend the rest of the time enjoying each other and living it up. Don't let your brain sabotage a thing you have already been told what he wants.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 7:01:24 PM
I actually suspect that a part of why some young women do go for older guys, isn't due to the older guys looking better, or even their making more money.

I think part of it is that males seem to take longer to learn to be verbally eloquent.

In addition, at your age range, guys are in mid-rebellion against authority types demanding that they perform like semi-trained monkeys. Your requests for more verbalization might well cause him to shut down even more.

Will you always have to initiate? Maybe. Some people never get into verbalizing. The most common thing that happens at your age, is that either the woman gets tired of waiting for the guy to declare himself and leaves, or the guy gets tired of being told that he's an uncommunicative clod, and leaves.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 4
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 7:08:57 PM
me I am worse then him. I am not physically affectionate. I dont discuss my feelings or my stressers even when I am in a relationship. Part of the John wayne tough guy mantality. But the point is just let it come natural. I dont ask a woman if she is my gf or not and wont but in the same pile I dont want to asked either because I am not relationship material and I know it, so dont push just enjoy till he asks and then its right. and 6 dates is a little soon to be wanting a realationship and two months wow.
It takes at least a year or two to really get to know someone. think about it this way two dollars isnt going to get you much 12 dollars will get you a bit 24 will get you a lot more. So i think you are pushing the whole boyfreind girlfreind thing way too soon and if you do you will run him off. I have met women on pof that I have known for three years, never met face to face, havent even been on dates with them and we chat only every so often.
Dont make him feel pressured wait a LONG time before that step is taken.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 5
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 8:47:02 PM
Maybe he is not sure yet how he does feel about it. It could be that he realy likes you but he needs a little more time to figure out how he feels about it.. Don't want to tell you yes or no yet.. 6 dates is not much to figure out if you meet the right one. I would say give him a few more dates before you start asking all those questions. You might just chase him away
 icallbs
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 6
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 9:44:59 PM
It would be an incredibly RARE guy your age (i'm guessing???) who discussed his feelings openly. And, if you'll forgive the maternal instinct here... don't push. You're young, and this should be a time of your life that you're getting to know who you really are and seeking to know what you really want. He may be in that stage too. As you can see from the guys posting here, some guys never outgrow the non-verbal stage. :) Many guys do, however, and even some younger guys (a lot of the creative types, especially) don't have as much trouble expressing their thoughts, needs, desires verbally as you describe in your friendship with your guy.

Yes, friendship. Relationship, maybe... take your time. Enjoy. If it continues to bother you that you're the only one verbalizing anything about your mutual desires, your relationship, etc., you'll need to accept that he might not be the guy for you.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 7
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 10:06:37 PM
I am very open when it comes to discussion, but us guys don't really talk in detail about emotions. Most guys are not wired like that, I am definitely not either. If you want to talk about the direction of the relationship, I think you can find some common ground and see what he thinks.
 BrianL77
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 8
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/17/2012 10:59:07 PM
Most guys do not talk about feelings. Its often rare and men that often talk about their feelings a portrayed as weaker and if he had a tough father or many brothers or was in the armed service or those type jobs they may just to emote. Because of their job
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 9
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 1:14:50 AM
you've seen this guy SIX TIMES! Already you are pressuring him to express his deepest feelings for you.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you have no idea what type of guy this is. Most psychologists agree it takes a year to really get to know a person. you've gone on 6 dates.

It's easy what to do. First don't come on so heavy. I'm not an open book at all and I dont like people making me into one. It takes time for people to earn my trust in any situation so people that pressure me will destroy that trust.

Listen to your words,"at least he shows his love for me physically". You've gone on 6 dates and you are throwing the love word around already. Of course he's physical; guys like sex and being physical!

He eventually wants something serious. You seem to be coming on like a ton of bricks. Take a deep breath relax and tell him you are interested in getting to know him better and that you'd like to be exclusive to see if there is something between you.

If the guy wont agree to it something is up, and I'd tell them that you understand but if he doesn't want to be exclusive then you say you respect his decision and you'd like to be friends.

If you chase him like a puppy dog then he will keep playing these games and you will stay no matter what. Dont' drop the L word and don't put so much pressure on him. Lighten up and you will get a much better outcome. I wish you the best.
 SweetMollyGirl
Joined: 10/31/2011
Msg: 10
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 3:47:39 PM
^^^above post is absolutely correct.

Why do you feel the need for such intimacy after such a short period of time? You may want to examine your patterns in relationships and be more comfortable being alone, otherwise you will probably go through a series dating "tragedies".
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 11
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 6:04:01 PM
Guys don't feel or express emotions the way women do.

If he is wanting to be serious with you....
is only dating you.....
then all is good in his guy world.
It should be in yours as well.

Don't get silly and mess up a good thing.
:-P
 Integra1
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:55:32 PM
2 months?? In guy time that's a week. You're in early early days in this new relationship. Push it too hard and you'll send him for the hills. Just enjoy where you're at with him for what it is. I think most men would opt for a root canal before "talking about their feelings". If he's showing you that he cares and is enjoying the relationship, that sounds to be all good. I think his feedback to you after Date 4 is all you should need right now. If you keep demanding that he offer up more and more, eventually he's going to give up because he can never reassure you enough.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 13
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 8:10:41 PM
Op, give him some time to express his feelings, not might not be right now but be patient with him. When I was close with my female friend. I didn't just up and openly shared my feelings with her. It took a lot of time together and a lot of closeness for us to open up to each other. What killed our closeness was that I decided to be distant, and it hurt her big time and she called me on it because she wants us to be close like old times. Point is be patient with him OP, one day he'll open up.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 14
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 8:20:01 PM
He's known you for 60 days-- why should be talk about his "feelings" or "us" with you?
He hardly knows you.



Am I always the one who will have to initiate a conversation about sentimental stuff?


he told me that its just the way he is, that he doesnt like to talk about sentimental stuff

No, you can stop initiating-- he's told you he doesn't want/like to talk about that.
If you want him to be different from who he is, find someone different.
 catalina_view
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 15
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:02:02 PM
I agree with Landra. This guy needs to find someone like him and you need to find someone like you or it will never work and you'll only end up frustrated with each other.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 16
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/18/2012 9:52:56 PM

And we have an incredible chemistry!

Then why do you need to talk about it?

However, he doesnt talk about us.

Be careful what you wish for.

I asked him on the 6th date to be a bit more open about his feelings and he told me that its just the way he is

At least he was nice about it. I think I'd have wanted to say something like, ``I feel frustrated that I'm having to stop having a good time with you to waste time having a conversation about the good time we were having and the bad mood I'll be in because you ruined it by needing to talk about it instead of having a good time.'' I can either feel like I'm having a good time or talk about feeling like I'm having a good time but I can't feel like I'm having a good time by talking about having a good time.

When I tell him that I like to be with him,

I hate it when a woman thinks she's being cagey by feeding me the line she wants me to repeat back to her. My reply when a woman tells me ``I like to be with you,'' is ``I know you do.'' Unexpected answers like that lead to much more interesting conversations. Anytime I feel like I'm being manipulated into telling someone what she wants to hear, I make sure I say something totally unexpected just to be confusing.

Also, I asked him on the 4th date what he wanted from me and he said something serious.

I'd have said a $1,000,000.00 life insurance policy with double indemnity for accidental death.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 17
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/19/2012 11:14:42 PM

So the question is, what to do? Do I have to ask him if he already sees me as his gf or not yet?
And Am I always the one who will have to initiate a conversation about sentimental stuff?

I think you’ve raised a couple of different issues here – closely related but not quite the same. One is about his feelings for you, the other is about what sort of relationship he wants – what he feels and where you stand with him, in other words.

In a sense, you’re probably asking quite a lot of him here. Two people telling each other what they feel for each other in real time is pretty intimate stuff – about as vulnerable as it gets in early relationship. More vulnerable than some people ever get, even after thirty years of marriage.

You might have to do the initiating for the first while, just to get it going. And he might learn from observing you. Might. He might see that it’s ok to talk about feelings. We all say ‘I love you’ after all. But don’t go for the easy ones. Think about it first.

And then say, ‘I was thinking about you yesterday and I notice I’ve been happier in my life since you’ve been around.” Prepare for silence. Content yourself with silence. Let him process that for a couple of days. He will.

Sentimental, by the way, is about Lassie re-runs and grade three class pictures we keep in a shoebox under the bed. The feelings we have right now about the people we want and need in our lives are not sentimental. But I wouldn’t push that distinction too hard just yet.

Just know that he’d rather throw himself in front of a bus to save your ass than tell you he misses you when you’re not around. There’s different kinds of courage. They don’t make action movies about the second kind.

I don’t know what you’d gain from asking if you’re his girlfriend, other than put him on the spot. Just become that, start acting like you are his girlfriend in whatever small ways make you happy and see how he responds. Then begins the loving task of turning your gumpian autist into a fully functional walking talking human being. And that, if you’re skilled, can be done in under thirty years.

You’re too young to know this but having so much fun and incredible chemistry too only comes around a few times in a life-time. So go for it, eh?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 18
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 6:49:27 AM
Why break what isn't broken. Men are simple & not as detailed or as complicated as women when it comes to expressing ourselves verbally. If you have an issue with it now, then you'll have a lifetime of disappointment, since this is how most men are.

An even bigger issue I see is the pettiness of keeping score of who initiates what first. Gotta rein in that petty mentality or it'll rear it's ugly little head your entire life & create problems where there are none.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 19
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 7:58:23 AM
Just enjoy this stage of dating and dont worry about obtaining a label.

Like others have said, you have only known him for 2 months. Tomorrow you may drive by his house and catch him picking his nose and be put off him...lol (Seinfeld moments)...While I jest, in the early srages of dating when deep bonds have not yet formed, the silliest of things can put people off of someone...so dont be in a hurry to put a label on things until much time has been spent ensuring your bond is strong enough to withstand such things.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 8:17:02 AM
Is he your age? If so, then he wants nothing more from you other than companionship, sex and fun. 21 year old guys do not want to talk future plans, weddings, babies or their deep meaningful feelings after 6 dates.

You are putting far too much pressure on this guy to be something he isn't so YOU can be happy. 90% of the relationships you will enter into will go nowhere, because guys that age are not ready for it. Why can't you just date him and have a good time? Go to the movies, go bowling, play video games, go dancing etc. stop expecting things to happen at your frenetic pace. You can be his GF without insisting he turn into a complete pu$$y.
 Dr__Matt
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 21
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 8:17:52 AM
It's not just guys. I was seeing someone and it ended largely because she was a closed book. I can't be with someone who bottles everything up and I have to keep second guessing them all the time. Getting blood from a stone is not much fun.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
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Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 8:24:55 AM
OP: Your biggest problem is you're dating the wrong gender. What you are after is a female chatty box who makes every topic like a life and death, drama filled epic movie-much like what high school girls do. I couldn't be with anyone who had an addiction for constant emotional drama.

The funny thing is when you two have your first fight-which will happen, guaranteed-you will wish he kept his emotions to himself. You may even break up over his emotional reaction to an argument.
 catalina_view
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 23
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 8:31:39 AM
OP remember the old saying, "never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig."
 What_He_Said
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 24
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 8:58:55 AM

So the question is, what to do? Do I have to ask him if he already sees me as his gf or not yet?
And Am I always the one who will have to initiate a conversation about sentimental stuff?


This may be the way you express yourself. In all fairness, it could well be that he expresses himself by actions rather than words. If he is this type of guy, it may be that you are trying to change what he inherently is: The type of guy who just doesn't express or think along the same lines as you do. Especially at this stage of the game. That may change if you two stay together. Then again it may not.

Also consider this, if he were playing you then he would pick up those hot button things and answer with what he thinks you would want to hear from him.

It could also be that he just doesn't know. After all fourth date may not be enough for him to decide. I really can't speak for him so I can't really say. So maybe you might consider letting things just play out and see where they lead. At least for now.

Anyway, best of luck.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 25
Dating a guy who doesnt talk about his feelings
Posted: 4/20/2012 1:55:50 PM

And Am I always the one who will have to initiate a conversation about sentimental stuff?


Quite likely. A lot of women are good at that.

Actions speak louder than words. Some guys don't like to use a lot of words.

Would you rather have one of those guys that starts professing their everlasting love on the 2nd date and starts talking about how they want to spend the rest of their life with you already?
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