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 smashing_bloke
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 1
Message etiquettePage 1 of 1    
Hi

New to on-line dating and so far have found that people are quite rude. I say this because I have messaged a few ladies and tried a variety of messages from a simple "Hi, How are you?" to more lengthy messages in which I have asked them about things in their profile, or commented on activities that we seem to have in common, or sympathised with one of their beliefs etc. I don't seem to get any replies. I don't mind not having any positive replies, (it's gonna take time right?) but am I expecting too much for a girl to reply with a "sorry, your not my type" or "you live too far away" or whatever? Perhaps you get so many messages it's not realistic to reply to them?

thanks

smashing
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 2
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 3:55:27 PM
Online dating is a whole new world and there really is no right or wrong. Just because you take the time to write a two word email or a two page email does not mean the person on the receiving end owes you a reply. It is much like when you smile, nod, or say "hi" when passing on the street. There is no guarantee they will return the civility.

As well, there are a good deal of men on here that when they receive a thank you not interested email turn into haters and feel the need to blow up your inbox with what they really think.
 Sheslikeastar
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 3
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 3:59:32 PM
I don't send thanks but no thanks messages due to the haters but I do try and respond and be polite. The only messages I tend not to respond to are the perverts or the one liners.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 4
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 3:59:33 PM
It's nice when I get a message from a guy who has ACTUALLY read my profile. What I don't care for is the, "Tell me about you!?" ( I got one this afternoon )

Ask one or two questions about her profile.
Don't ask her/beg her to check you out or reply back. She will if she's interested.
Add a touch of humour.
Keep things light.
Don't say, "I read your profile." It's obvious you did.

Remember, OP, no response is a response.

Good luck!
 _sunshine_blue_skies_
Joined: 4/7/2012
Msg: 5
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:03:48 PM
OP, I get it that you'd like these women to send a quick "Thanks but no thanks" reply, but you can't assume that they're rude just because they don't. Many women DO get a large amount of messages and simply don't spend time messaging everyone back. I tend to send "thanks for your msg but I don't see a match, happy fishing" replies when the msgs are really thoughtful and usually the guys are cool about it, but sometimes they don't take the hint and keep on messaging..ugh!

Just take it as not interested and move on to the next. Btw, the more witty, light, fun& interesting your messages, the more likely you'll get responses. Women tend to not only get a lot of msgs, but a lot of generic& boring ones at that.

Btw, when a guy asks me questions that he'd know if he actually read my profile, he gets no response!


Good luck!
 smashing_bloke
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 6
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:06:52 PM
I get the thing about the person not "owing" me a reply, but I don't really get the passing the street thing, because in placing your profile on a dating site, you do kind of expect to receive some messages, or what would be the point?

I hadn't appreciated that some might behave that way in response to a not interested email. How sad some people are and I can fully understand why you would ignore rather than reply with a polite no thanks. How naive am I? Why did I think the site would be only full of genuine people that would play nicely? Actually reading some of the profiles, it's clear to me now that some have been subject to some really silly stuff. These idiots should be reported!

The problem for me has been knowing when to give up. I don't want to turn into some weird serial email stalker! I think that if there's no response after 2 messages it's time to give up!

thanks for your thoughts

smashing
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 7
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:10:28 PM
Consider this...You go to your mail box and open it up and inside, there is lots of unsolicited mail. You take it home and have a flick through it and then decide nothing is of interest. Do you contact them all and let them know you aren't interested ? And if you did, how do you think that would be received ?

Sometimes, when a woman politely declines, she deals with a barrage of abusive message along the line of 'What - Aren't I good enough ?'.

And another thought - If you have sent a message to a lady you are interested and then saw she had replied, you would feel uplifted. So, you open the message only to find out she has no interest at all on you. What a blow to the self-esteem. Do you really want an Inbox full of rejection notices ?

On-line, no answer is an answer. It's the clearest one you will ever get. Stop focusing on the actions of those who are uninterested and focus on finding one who is.
 Sheslikeastar
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 8
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:12:12 PM
Some women also like to play hard to get so will take a while to respond or expect you to chase with a couple of messages. Not all are like that but it does happen.

I agree in reading the profile. Some don't have much info on but some do. If someone cba to read my profile then why should I waste my time replying as they obviously aren't interested enough to read about me.

Good luck. You will have bad experiences but hopefully good ones too.
I met my ex on here and we were together for 3 years, we just drifted apart and wanted different things.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 9
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:15:39 PM

but am I expecting too much for a girl to reply with a "sorry, your not my type" or "you live too far away" or whatever?


No, but don't have a crying fit if you don't get one.
In the future, stop wasting time asking questions about each others profiles online. Nobody "Dates" online.

Just tell her you want to meet and give her a time and place to meet , today or tomorrow. Just for a half hour. Its not a date.
 smashing_bloke
Joined: 4/13/2012
Msg: 10
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:16:08 PM
import_from_uk

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. It's such a pity that men (and presumably some women too) resort to abusive messages because they can't deal with the rejection.

I don't feel so bad now (well, not quite so bad anyway!)

thanks

smashing
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 11
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 4:37:37 PM
Smashing - the on-line dating vortex is not for the light of heart. When I first got on-line I responded to everyone who wrote-until the abusive/argumentative responses started. Wait til you start meeting dates - they don't look like their pic, they lie about their age/height/weight/education..... It a real testament to the human spirit that's one's hopefulness can survive this silliness. Try to not to get to invested in any of this until you actually meet someone you like. Take a deep breath and carry on. (Humour will be you best ally in all of this!)
 bugse
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 12
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 5:40:09 PM
hahaha, the first emails I got were abusive, guys lurking on the new function to chastise anyone who joined!!! I have seen it noted in the forums that other women have experienced this too--the faint hearted dont appear to survive that, . Luckily, not too many , met some really nice people on this site and the forums are terrifically amusing sometimes.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 13
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 5:50:56 PM

In the future, stop wasting time asking questions about each others profiles online. Nobody "Dates" online.

Just tell her you want to meet and give her a time and place to meet , today or tomorrow. Just for a half hour. Its not a date.


I'm gonna advise against this. Most women will think you are a creeper and block a man that does this in a first message.
 LouiseA88
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 14
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 5:57:57 PM
personally i dont reply to 'hi how are you' because i know that message has been copied and pasted to 100 people! and no effort at all but do try to reply to all 'decent' messages i get, but some people either dont want to reply saing no because its abit awkward (even though not replying is rude!) or just arent interested and see it as a waste of time (rude yes but its the truth!)
i agree with every one above! dont linger on those that cant be asked just keep trying, the right girl will come along and apreciate the effort u made with the longer message!
what ever you do do not send 'hi' or 'how u been' because i would be supprised if many would reply to a generic message like that!
good luck!
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 15
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 6:03:15 PM
No reply is a reply. They aren't interested. Delete the message after you send it, then you won't have to keep watching to see when/if she read your message.
 curvesweetblonde99
Joined: 5/7/2011
Msg: 16
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 6:41:46 PM
It is not considered rude for someone to not reply to you. It just means they are not interested. Rudeness is if they reply to you with an insult and then tell you F off. Most women will not respond with a "sorry you're not my type" because experience has shown us that doing so will often result in the guy responding to that with nastiness. So we just don't reply to those we are not interested in. You can realistically expect 90-95% of your emails to be ignored. Don't take it personally.
 jackiejc
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 17
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/21/2012 7:04:03 PM
Believe me a lot of the guys are rude too! A guy asked me to chat last week when I said I was kinda starting a relationship,when he said well you should take your profile off! And I replied it was just starting and wasn't ready for that .He replied I was a b*tch and the missing link! So now if I am not interested I am just being rude and not being polite and answering !
 VT1032
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 18
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/24/2012 5:05:15 PM
I'm not a woman, but the simple answer to your question is that it is a numbers game. Statistically speaking, roughly 3 out of 10 women you message will respond. The rest of your messages will be deleted without a response. This greatly varies based on things like looks and writing ability, but call it a rough estimate.

Some tips to get responses are this.

DO NOT use a generic form email. It is obvious and never works.
Comment on things in their profile
Start local

In terms of your messages, you need to find a balance between brevity and detail that allows you to send out plenty of messages while still sending genuine messages that discuss things from the profile. I usually send messages about 1/2 page in length on MS Word (weird habit, I pre-type my messages on word and paste them into the message box). I happen to be a pretty good writer which helps a lot since communication online is primarily written.

By doing these simple things, I have upped it to about a 70% response rate overall. Bear in mind, that is just getting a response to your message, much less a date. I am no don juan so if you want help past the message part, look elsewhere.

Final thing, this (http://blog..com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/) might be useful to you.
 7thour
Joined: 12/2/2011
Msg: 19
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/24/2012 5:18:09 PM
I reply to any man I am interested in. Those I am not I click delete. Too many times I wrote back saying thank you for your interest and received backlash or even them trying to get me interested.
 Little Miss Perfect
Joined: 11/28/2007
Msg: 20
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Message etiquette
Posted: 4/24/2012 5:34:02 PM
Most men will fight with you once you say that or are nasty. That's why I don't do it.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 21
Message etiquette
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:28:20 PM
Most men will fight with you once you say that or are nasty. That's why I don't do it.


I'm not saying people are obligated to respond. However not responding doesn't necessarily prevent rude emails. Some people will get mad because you ignored them. Also saying that most men can't handle rejection because of the actions of some men is a broad generalization.
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