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| | 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !Page 1 of 25 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25) |
I always try to stay open minded, and give folks a chance.
Ok. So last night I met a very nice guy, that happened to be a widower. He said he felt quite ready to date, though it turns out his wife has only been gone since Sept. 2011.
We hit if off really well, and I definitely found him attractive - as he said I was as well. We hugged goodbye, and I was feeling good about the meeting. Then today - I received an email about how he got home last night, and felt all guilty about being with "another woman". And he admitted he's going to retreat from trying to date, for who knows how long.
I know it is not an easy time for anyone - to lose a spouse/partner. But damn - I wish folks would really think things through before inviting others into their lives !
This is the third time this kind of thing has occurred . I do believe I'm now officially sworn off meeting widowers - unless maybe it's at least 5 or more yrs since their loss , no matter how ready they might think they are , and they've already dated some before they meet me !
Anyone else's experience similar , with widowers, or widows ? | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 1:34:45 PM |
Anyone else's experience similar , with widowers, or widows ?
No personal experience like that, but I am always a little wary in such a situation because the questions are always sitting in the back of my mind:
Are they really over the loss?
Will they ever be over the loss?
Would I just be replacing someone they wish they were still with?
Several years ago, I saw a news story on TV about a New York man in his 50's who lost his wife in the 9/11 attacks. He had built a shrine to her in his house. He said he never thought he would find love again, began chatting with a 40 year old never-married woman in Houston, they met, and ended up getting married. He still kept the shrine to his dead wife up, and the new wife said she was OK with it. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 1:55:32 PM | I have dated a few women that have lost their husbands through illness, accidents, military, etc., and no matter what, they look at other men differently for a long time, compared to those that are divorced. It seems that if it is normal for us to wait to date someone divorced only after a year or so, it would be for me to wait at least two to three years after the death of a loved one.
This does not mean that we avoid them, or ignore them, but rather, learn to be their friend first and foremost, and take your time before making them possibly more. Time is always needed when there is a loss in ones life, and if we think they are worth the wait, we will do that and be there as a friend.
cd | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 1:58:37 PM | " I do believe I'm now officially sworn off meeting widowers - unless maybe it's at least 5 or more yrs since their loss , no matter how ready they might think they are , and they've already dated some before they meet me ! "
If people jump into meeting/dating with a person who just came out of a relationship what do they expect? I don't care if the person is widowed or divorced.
I don't understand why people don't understand that it takes time to get over a relationship no matter how it ended.
I only date people who have taken the time to create a happy single lifestyle for themselves. It takes time to learn how to be happily single.
OP, check out how long a person has been single and where their heads are before meeting. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:32:29 PM | ^^^^^So how does only dating people "who have taken the time to create happy single lifestyle for themselves...." been workin' for ya? Hmmm?
Apart from that nonsense your post had some good points. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:35:14 PM | I most certainly do understand it takes time to get over the death of a loved one.
I always have checked. And asked questions. And then, proceeded according to their responses. I want to believe they know themselves enough to know where they are. But clearly - some don't.
And you can't always find that out in advance of the meeting .
These "backfires" occurred AFTER they assured me they were ready to date , and after we had met.
So good for you, for never choosing people not ready. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:55:34 PM | Everyone has baggage. The worst is the broken relationship that has no closure whether it be by death or divorce. In beginning something new, if we can’t take our prospect at their word or at face value, maybe we’d best not begin, at all. We learn soon enough if someone is good to their word.
We must decide at the beginning if it’s worth investing a little time to find this out. You found out after one date. Was it not worth that little bit of time to find out? Even after three such experiences, it seems so little to completely dismiss a hundred-thousand other prospects who are widowed.
Of course, maybe this is the only kind of disappointment you’ve had lately, in which case these three constitute the entire sum of your recent dating experience. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 3:55:34 PM | Guess you missed this part "Aspen" - "unless maybe it's at least 5 or more yrs since their loss " . I'm not at all eliminating a "hundred-thousand other prospects who are widowed" .
And no - this has not been my entire recent dating experience. I've described a disturbing coincidence amongst meetings occurring over time. But thanks for your observations ... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 4:54:25 PM | | I always thought I would like to meet a widower with a young daughter, who had lost his wife to illness, and had had a good marriage. I never had a daughter of my own, and I figured if his marriage was good then he wouldnt have any of the hangups about women that someone who had been through a nasty divorce might. I actually met and started dating such a man, and in order to keep his wife alive in the little girl's mind (she had died when the girl was about 4) he brought her into EVERY conversation, "Your mother liked eating that too", "Your mother would be proud", and on and on and on. There were photos of her in every room of the house. The woman was a saint, and I couldn't compete. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:07:27 PM | Wish I had a buck for every divorced guy that I dated that was an azzhole or just packing too much friggin baggage from his divorce. And I'd think that comment would stand for divorced women as well.
Widows/widowers are no different than the divorced in the fact that they have to heal before they can move on. And yup, divorced and widowed sometimes "think" they are ready when they aren't.
And OP, really, was it such a hardship to spend an evening with someone that didn't turn out to be "the one". It's not your first failure at selecting a date and it won't be your last and it doesn't matter whether they are single, seperated, divorced or widowed. It was a bad date, nothing more/nothing less.
And IF you can't handle a widow/widower - stay away from us cause we don't need you either. Unless you can treat each situation as it is instead of generalizing marital status or gender, don't date. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:08:30 PM | I went to dinner with a widower from here. His wife had dies 7 years ago.
Before we met he just seemed shy. But during dinner nearly everything reminded him of her.
She made great mashed pumpkin, she loved prawns etc.
I tried but his head was not in the present. Like the post above it was impossible to compete.
Besides I don't really want to compete with a dead wife.
I have also spoken and become a bit of a pen pal with another widower on here and likewise, his wife was a saint and even though she has been gone for a few years. He talks about her in nearly every second sentence.
Will this turn me off widowers, no. But there will always be that 3rd person in the room. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:13:23 PM | I agree with those saying that people need time to get over a loss whether it's from death or divorce. The times it takes for each person will vary, of course. Having not dated someone who was widowed I can't speak to that. When I first started dating a year after my divorce I had someone tell me that he preferred to date those who had been divorced for at least 3 years or even more. I could not understand that at the time, but I sure do now!
There is a lot of processing to do, even it you wanted the divorce, or if it was mutually agreed upon. And if you are not the one who wanted it, even more processing needs to be done. Also, if you have kids of any age, I don't think the processing/learning part of it is ever done. You still have to figure out about sharing holidays, weddings, grandchildren, even funerals of parents. The learning will never end. And that's okay as long as everyone can remember to act like an adult and treat each other respectfully. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:27:35 PM | Damaged goods can come in either package, a little sympathy is more attractive and can go a long way toward new ties...
Remember we’re all in this cesspool together, the divorced the widowed far out number the singles in the over the hill section... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:44:21 PM | I have a very dear, dear man-buddy who I met from POF who is a widower. He lost his wife in '07 after a prolonged illness and is still very much in love with her. We met last year and I would not want to have missed getting to know him. I knew very early on that he is not "ready" for the kind of relationship I would like to have, but he is a fine, funny, wise, platonic friend. Who knows, maybe our friendship will serve to help him cross that bridge with someone down the road.....he's exploring, bless his heart, and I don't ever mind hearing about his "love story". :)
And THEN there was the one who was so excited to experiment with his "little buddy" after his wife (who also had a prolonged illness) passed 6 mo. earlier...that he wouldn't quit with the slapping me on the butt and trying to corner me with his "feeling like a 20yr old" after his heart surgery. First meet, last meet!! Holy Moly !! LOL. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 5:51:55 PM | I hear you folks re people bringing up the past (be it the 'ex' or the 'late spouse'). It can definitely be a mood-killer, especially in the early stages of getting to know each other and forging a pair bond.
Thing is, when people are trying to learn about each other, it's awkward to say "I did this", "I went there", "I had the following experience", etc., because chances are these things were joint activities (e.g., with their significant other). We remember the activity as the shared event that it was. It would be like trying to talk about family life that involved your children without mentioning the kids.
Chances are, both parties starting to date had a significant other. I have no problem with the person talking about shared activities that mean something to him, or places visited, etc. The person has a past, and he shouldn't have to pretend it didn't happen or file away memories of what mattered to him. Also, to get to know someone you need to understand where he's coming from, which includes important past experiences and his responses/reactions to them. That said, I take it as a very good sign when a man speaks enthusiastically about his present interests and future plans far more than about his past. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:33:05 PM | I dated more than 2 widowers over the years. Each one cried about his "wife"
The women I know who lost their husbands seem much more together emotionally. The men seemed stuck. Not fair to dump on women who they went on dates with.
Don't date until you have moved past your loss...it's ok to grieve... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:41:27 PM | I would rather date a widower who has fond memories and nice things to say about his late wife, than a divorced guy who is still complaining about and dissing his ex.
Not that every widower says nice things and has fond memories -
Not that every divorced guy is a bitter whiner -
Just saying that given the choice, all other things being equal, I'd choose the former. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:52:20 PM | | My sister dated a widower and it didn't go well. They'd meet, have a nice time, and later he'd call her to tell her he felt bad and couldn't see her. Some time later, he'd call her again, say he felt bad about how it ended, they'd meet, have a nice time, and later... You guessed it, he'd 'dump' her again. He'd been a widower for a few years but obviously couldn't get past his hang ups about it. It's definitely put me off dating a widower... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 11:16:00 PM | 7 months is no time and I guess he was just sussing out whether he was ready to date and apparently he wasnt.
I wonder why you are going for widowers? You have to deal with the ghost of that woman and be compared to her all the time, at least in his mind. Once they pass on, they often sprout wings and a halo. So make sure they have been widowed at least two years I would say. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/25/2012 11:18:15 PM | | It could be just an excuse not to see the woman again by the same token and he may be looking for younger hotter for the second time around. It is a good story to blow someone off with. After all what is wrong with starting slowly and developing some kind of friendship but if they dont want that, they dont really fancy you. IMO. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 12:00:56 AM | | Well as a widower, I'm leaning towards dating widows as we have some common ground. But on the other side I watched my MIL build a pedestal so tall, there was no way my FIL could have climbed up there by himself. In her defense she never wanted to date for her last 15 years after he passed. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 7:10:06 AM | | I think you just don't know how you are going to feel , until you're smack into it. At least he told you right away, and not after sex. ;-) | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 7:39:29 AM | "My sister dated a widower and it didn't go well. " FFS, did she also date a divorced guy and it didn't go well? How about a seperated guy that didn't go well? How about 15 divorced guys that didn't go well? I mean really - why generalize. It's like saying "I dated a blonde once and it didn't go well so I'll never date another blonde." Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it?
Hone your date picking skills, ask the right questions and for crying out loud - listen to the answers. | |
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