Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Separated, but not divorced      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 j.josh
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 1
Separated, but not divorcedPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been seeing a wonderful lady for the past three months.

Her situation is that she's been separated from her husband since last September;
she contacted me vai another dating site, and things have been progressing naturally,
gradually, and wonderfully.

Her life is complicated; she's studying for her Master's degree in Teaching, her mother
is in the throes of cancer treatment, and she has two young children under the age of
eight, of which she has custody of six days out of seven.

I was having lunch with her yesterday when her husband rang - as it turns out,
it concerned him proof-reading one of her assignments for her degree.

He's been told that she is now 'dating people', but not exclusively, and, in particular, not me.

For more obvious reasons, her mother hasn't been told about me,but nor have her other closer relatives,
nor her separated husband.

I've introduced her to my family and friends, and so it's a slightly weird situation whereby this asymmetrical
inclusiveness puts a strange tilt on our relationship.

My question is: given that she's clearly compromised about our connection, should I continue to reassure her
about the status quo, or insist upon a disclosure on her part towards her family and friends, but, specifically,
her husband?

I'm utterly relaxed about our current situation, but I can plainly see that it's causing her major discomfort;
might a firm word from me encourage a sort of cathartic resolution?
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:07:55 AM
Separated, but not divorced

Know your laws! In at least ONE U S State, there is a law on the books that has been enforced, called Alienation Of Affection. In that particular state, I have heard that there is also a 3 year Statute Of Limitations.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 3
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:08:18 AM
Cathartic resolution? Is that an euphemism for ultimatum?

Anyway, separated means she hasn't tied up her loose ends. She seems content to have a bunch of them. You are just one more!


My question is: given that she's clearly compromised about our connection, should I continue to reassure her
about the status quo, or insist upon a disclosure on her part towards her family and friends, but, specifically,
her husband
?

I'm utterly relaxed about our current situation, but I can plainly see that it's causing her major discomfort;
might a firm word from me encourage a sort of cathartic resolution?


Bwahaha! Can you hear yourself talking? You are CLEARLY NOT "relaxed!"

I think you should enjoy being the "transition" boy toy!
 LadyRider81
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 4
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:11:17 AM
Depends. Why is she only separated and not divorced? If they truly are split for good, who she dates really isnt any of her husband's concern. Introducing you to the rest of her life though (closer relatives) should be a given if you are at that point, which it sounds like you are since you are doing so with her.
 Sparkledustpajamas
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 5
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:12:00 AM
This is a tough one. If I'm doing the math correctly, you began dating in late January, which means it's only been 3 to 4 months since she separated from her husband. That's a relatively short time for a married person to start dating seriously again.

I wouldn't put any demands on her for disclosure as that could drive her away. However, please be cautious and protective of your own heart. It's clear to me you have serious feelings for her since you introduced her to your family. I'm not so sure that sentiment is returned.

Best of luck to you!
 j.josh
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 6
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:15:08 AM
Know your poster!

I'm from Australia.

Cheers for the response.
 j.josh
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 7
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 7:24:45 AM
Thanks for your frank advice, Sparkle;

those sentiments have crossed my mind.

I'm nothing if not the arch-realist!

Josh
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 8:03:09 AM

it's a slightly weird situation whereby this asymmetrical
inclusiveness puts a strange tilt on our relationship.


That's because she's not all in. Josh, this woman is going to need a lot more than you giving her a firm word to ease her discomfort. She is going to need to resolve her relationship with her husband (who she is still relying on.)

as it turns out, it concerned him proof-reading one of her assignments for her degree.

I'm sure that her university offers a writing lab that would happily have assisted with this; instead, she chose him.

Once she is actually DONE with the marriage she'll more than likely need some time to heal from the divorce. The last thing she needs is to be dating someone who is going to give her ultimatums. If you're truly content with the situation then enjoy it. If you're looking for something long term, I'd rethink this one. The timing is not right for it.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 8:27:09 AM
Kudos for being as brave as you are. That's a heck of a lot of baggage to deal with in a partner. Wow... I honestly wouldn't be joining a dating site if I wasn't even divorced yet, but that's just me. I also wouldn't get involved with someone while they're still in a relationship with someone. They may be separated, but they're still legally married. I've been through divorce myself and I'm a firm believer in taking time for yourself after ending a relationship. a person really does need time to reflect, heal and move on before jumping into another relationship.

Just be sure to tread carefully and good luck to you.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 10
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 8:31:23 AM
Since my fiancee was separated when we started dating, I think I can offer you a little insight into what you need to see from the woman you're dating to make it worth your while to date a woman who is separated and not divoreced.

Her life is complicated;

The very first thing she needs to do is uncomplicate her life. In particular:

I was having lunch with her yesterday when her husband rang - as it turns out,
it concerned him proof-reading one of her assignments for her degree.

She needs to get her soon to be ex husband out of the picture except for whatever is absolutely necessary for the kids. If she won't do that, then she's a married woman you're having sex with, not a woman who is separated and jjust awaiting the divorce to make it official.

He's been told that she is now 'dating people', but not exclusively, and, in particular, not me.

Maybe the guy is a psycho and she'd rather not have him know about you.

For more obvious reasons, her mother hasn't been told about me,but nor have her other closer relatives,
nor her separated husband.

It's only been three months, so her relatives not knowing about you doesn't mean much, especially since she isn't divorced yet. Her relatives may disapprove of her dating before the divorce is final and she may not want to create any tension, especially if it makes her relatives see you as an opportunist who is taking advantage of her marital problems. On the other hand, thee's no reason for to even be talking to her husband for any reason other than filing the divorce papers and dealing with kids. You're also liability in divorce court.

Why the hell do you want her husband to know about you? Are you planning to become buddies with him and go out for a few beers to shoo the shit every now and then? I've never met my fiancee's (now) ex husband and the last time my fiancee saw her ex husband was before she and I ever met. I'm sure she said something to him when they exchanged a few emails and phone calls to get the divorce filed, but, he woudn't who the hell I was if I stood in front of him and talked to him. I'm not sure if he even knows my first name and that doesn't bother me in the least. He's just baggage that got left when she walked out on him.

The bottom line is that if she isn't willing to act like she's divorced and relegate her husband to the status, ``I want nothing to do with him except what's required for the kids,'' you should not think of whatever you're doing with her as dating. At best, you're having sex with a married woman and if you aren't having sex, whatever else you think is going on is a delusion. Unless all you want is sex, you're wasting your time until her husband becomes an ex husband and she loses interest in talking to him.

Why is she only separated and not divorced?

Ther could be lots of reasons. When my fiancee left her husband, she moved 200 miles away to start over and at the time, she did not have health insurance through an employer. She waited until she got her own health insurance before getting the papers filed. During the interim, she had major surgery and without her health insurance through her husband, she'd have been 40,000.00 in debt. From my perspective, her health mattered more to me than having her file the papers right away, since for anything related to our relationship, her husband might as well have lived in Antarctica on an ice flow.

I've met a lot of women who were ostensibly divorced, but who were far less single for all practical purposes than my fiancee.
 surfaceofficer
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 11
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 8:43:41 AM
If I considered this sort of arrangement at all...the best thing I would do in your position is fly as far beneath the radar as possible. As has been said a few times...you're are there to make a tough situation easier by filling a void, NOT complicate it with your needs.

In relationships like this, it becomes several times more important to know your role, fulfill that role, and let the more intricate parts of the relationship work themselves out gradually.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 9:01:47 AM
You are single and free to date whoever and whenever you want to, but why do you assume you are in any position to expect her to complicate her life even further by doing a big reveal of your relationship? What's the point? Is
"Insist upon disclosure" "A firm word from to encourage a cathartic resolution" for who? She does not want her Ex or her family to get involved.

You've only been dating a few months, she is still married. The odds of this progressing past a rebound are about a million to one. Right now with what she has on her plate you are just the guy she happens to be fooling around with, no more. If you want a real long term partner she is hardly in a position to give that to you at this time.
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 13
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 10:03:39 AM
So what you're saying is that she is married and you are dating her. Good luck with that.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 10:19:37 AM
Hmmm. You're dating a married woman. And you want to insist on a disclosure to her family and friends about it? The visual of that old Saturday Night Live sketch, "Bad Idea Jeans" is suddenly running through my head.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 10:39:48 AM
A married woman with two young children, a dying mother, a husband who's very much involved in her life, and pursuing an education.
You put in your 90 days so it's time to demand your rights!
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 16
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 10:44:54 AM

Know your laws! In at least ONE U S State, there is a law on the books that has been enforced, called Alienation Of Affection. In that particular state, I have heard that there is also a 3 year Statute Of Limitations.


The OP doesn't live in the USA, but it is always good to check the laws in your jurisdiction. North Carolina, for example, has had several huge judgment against the third party (not one of the spouses) in such cases. And even if your state is a "No Fault" state, the "no fault" does not usually apply statutorily to a third party.

http://perspective.catseyepi.com/featured/alienation-of-affection-in-north-carolina/
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 17
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 10:48:13 AM
Honestly, you have to "standing" in the lineup of all that is demanding attention from her.....it is so unlikely that there will be any long term relationship with her, however, if you really want that, then your best bet is to be a relief, not any demand, and to actually be her friend...that would mean asking for almost nothing and giving support and understanding. I personally think your relationship is doomed, as it appears that you want to "assert" yourself, and that's what'll shoot you right out the door.
 j.josh
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 18
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 11:35:16 AM
Wise counsel, Landra!

Thanks for distilling others' salient points into an impossibly dry precis.

I needed that.

Josh.
 surfaceofficer
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 19
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 11:43:06 AM

Wise counsel, Landra!

Thanks for distilling others' salient points into an impossibly dry precis.

I needed that.


That reminded me of a point that I forgot to mention.

Most questions like this are asked by people who KNOW the right and moral course of action, and come here only to 'be talked out of it'.

Why is it always such a shock when that plan goes south?
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 20
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 12:04:33 PM
Honest to Gawd - why do you people date married people?
 3ffervescent
Joined: 7/1/2010
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 12:26:35 PM
In Australia, we have "No Fault" divorce.
In order to obtain the divorce, you must be legally separated for a period of 12 months
...then comes property settlement.


I've been seeing a wonderful lady for the past three months.

--just continue doing what you have been doing.

You don't have the complication of children, and she does. My children (while older than hers) have only met one person that I have dated. They (her extended family) don't need to meet you yet.

I am curious as to why she is not asking you to proof read for her? You are obviously very literate yourself...
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 12:45:12 PM
OP, independently form any possible legal issues, if you are really "utterly relaxed" about your current situation, why even entertaining the idea about insisting on "disclosure on her part...."?

Look, the lady in question obviously has a lot on her plate: Recently separated, two young kids, studying for her masters and a dying mother.

And there you think about insisting on "disclosure" ??? She obviously has more pressing matters on her mind, so you will have to take a back seat, to put it bluntly. You best just remain "utterly relaxed" about it if you want your thing to continue.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 23
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 1:06:43 PM
I was having lunch with her yesterday when her husband rang - as it turns out,
it concerned him proof-reading one of her assignments for her degree.


Did she let it go to message or answer the call infront of you? If she answered it and chatted, you are screwed.

Sorry but this has rebound written all over it UNLESS you use a little strategy. If you want long term with her you need to tell her to take care of business and to give you a call when she is free and single. It is asymetrical as you said, and needs to be an even playing field for your relationship to grow.
 j.josh
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 24
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 1:18:20 PM
starofgaia - Honest to Gawd - why do you people date married people?

Sometimes, things can only be explained by The Simpsons.

Bart's chief tormentors, the elder bullies Jimbo and Kearney,
are talking about Jimbo's 'mom's' current boyfriend, 'Gunner'.

Jimbo: Sometimes, he gets us beer.

Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom?

Kearney: Hey; SHE came on to ME.

I was trying to match the flippant tone of your comment, but it was bloody tough.

Gawd!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 25
Separated, but not divorced
Posted: 4/27/2012 1:43:37 PM

Honest to Gawd - why do you people date married people?

Because a person's attitude about an ex or soon to be ex doesn't change just because the papers have or haven't been signed. I've dated on woman in my life who was separated - my fiancee - and she was a lot more single than a lot of women who have already signed the papers. She had been awa yfrom her husband for more than 2 years and shortly after we started dating, she got the paperwork taken care of with nothing but a few emails a phone call or two and a fedexed document. A better question would be, ``why do people date those who still have their exes in their lives, divorced or not?'' The judges signature is a legal matter, not a new perspective on one's ex.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Separated, but not divorced