| | Am I Doing the Right Thing?Page 1 of 1 | I recently stopped seeing a man that I met here at the beginning of March. He started messaging me & we talked for about 3 weeks before we started dating, and had an immeadiate connection. However after 3 weeks of actual dating, we split. We didn't talk to to eachother for about a week and a half, and then last Monday, we had a rather long phone conversation about the status of our relationship. He's been divorced for a year, after getting out of a 25 year-long realtionship with his ex-wife. He told me that the issue of why he didn't want to give things another try wasn't because of me or how I treated him--he said that I was sweet, had a good heart, treated him well & the sex was phenomenal--but he just doesn't know what he wants right now, doesn't think he can give me a commitment & doesn't want me to sacrifice myself or my happiness while he's trying to figure out what's happening in his life. I get the sense that he still has a lot of pain over his divorce, which is understandable...25 years with the same person & then suddenly losing every sense of security that you had, I'd probably feel like I was wandering too.
When I put the question to him if the bottom line was that he didn't want me at *all*, he said that we could be friends and that he wouldn't totally omit the idea of maybe one day trying things again. I asked him when I could see him thne--as friends--and he replied by saying that he needed some time, but to call him the next week about going out for drinks. He even said that he wanted to see me go out on a couple of dates before we saw eachother again, however, not sleep with these perspective dates (uh-huh). I feel good about how the conversation went and completely respect the fact that he's got a decision making process that he needs to get through on his own. Since that conversation, I did have a tenative date set up with someone new, which I mentioned to him, and he said nothing. I popped him a quick text to say hello, and he said nothing. My last contact with him was Fruiday when I sent him a quick message to let him know that after a few days to absorb things, I was good about our conversation. I saw that he'd read the e-mail & not deleted itm, but again, didn't reply. As a matter of fact, he's kept all my e-mails, save for the one I sent him prior to us talking Monday night, telling him that I was sorry about how I'd acted in our fight that caused us to split before. He deleted that e-mail after we talked, but has kept everything else that I've sent. I can only guess that he deleted that specific e-mail due to the fact that he refused to let me take any blame for anything that caused the fight, saying that it was all him.
Having thought about it, I haven't really been respectful of his wish for time by making casual attempts to say hello. I won't lie...I still very much want us to have another chance and go much slower this time, but if he's not feeling up for it, I can't & won't force him. So this brings me to my question. He's expecting me to call him this weeks about going for a few drinks, and now I'm questioning if I should. My best friend seems to think that I shouldn't call him; that I should let him have the time he needs and then when he wants to see me, let him call me. I'm leaning towards that, but I just want a man's prespective on this situation. Should I leave him be for now & let him come around on his own? Or should I call him like he said to? I didn't expect him to reply to any of my messages from last week, but I hate to think that he could potentially avoid me if I call him this week like he said to. I don't want to push him away further, but I'm not interested in playing games with him either. Messy. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/29/2012 10:25:40 PM | Sounds like you like the guy. It sounds like he likes you too. He's going through some things right now and he doesn't want to put you in the middle of it all. He also doesn't want you to wait around because he doesn't know how long this process will last.
If it were me, I'd want you to call for drinks. He's in a vulnerable spot right now with the divorce and by not contacting him he may feel you've lost interest since your last discussion with him. Even if he's still processing everything that is going on at least he'll know you're still thinking about him and remembered to text. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/29/2012 10:51:00 PM | Call him, yes. I would say talk on the phone at least a couple more times.
Meet him for drinks or anything else , no. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 1:15:29 AM | He has been married for 25 years. Don't push him. Don't crowd him with your agenda of a commitment. Have sex with him, do stuff with him, or go away. Really not that difficult.
and remembered to text. ...NO!!
If you are intent on reaching out to this guy, you need to contact him in ways that remind him you are human and real. You will always want to contact any man you're interested via a phone call, or in person. Why?
Because its sensual. Humans use senses to build closeness and relationships.
If you resort to texting him your thoughts, at this point , you lose. "Text" and "Email" are sensually dead. Void of personality. Sterile. Easy to ignore. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:20:11 AM | Why does he get to set all of these rules? Because he's divorced now from a long marriage? boo fricking hoo
He has to think about things? I call bullshyte.
He's a controller who wants to keep you on the backburner as an option...for now.
By telling you to go out on a few dates but not have sex, he sets the expectation that he'll be dating too (he might even be having sex), but wants the "option" of coming back to you for round two and wants to know your "hoohoo" hasn't been tainted in the meantime.
He wants you to make the effort in contacting him -- in his timeframe -- about seeing each other for drinks. I'll bet that those calls don't get answered either, or if they do, he'll have a reason to not meet.
You're making all kinds of excuses for him, and on top of that blaming yourself for not being respectful. WTF? It's either on, or it's off. There's no carrot-dangling option of "maybe" seeing each other again...if you follow his rules.
Keep your dignity and walk away. Don't call, text or in any way contact him. If he really wants to see you, let him COURT you, NOT control you.
MrsF | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:41:05 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What she said! It definitely sounds to me like he's keeping his options open, fine, let him but you do the same.
I'm not a guy though so my opinion may not count...xxx | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 3:41:42 AM | What?
Oh definitely not, OP.
He doesn't want to date you, but at the same time he's trying to control what you're doing with your private life?
Trust me, nothing good will come of this. You can move on now, or agonize over it for a while, but move on you will have to. This bird has flown! | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 5:44:21 AM | Why does she have to call him? If he's that not much not ready to date, and he probably isn't going to be for a long time after a 25 year marriage, then she really shouldn't be wasting her time on him. If he wanted to see her, he would make the effort. That "call me on Friday, maybe I'll feel like seeing you", which translates into "I'll see how horny I am" is a bunch of crap.
When his ex starts dating somebody, he's going to be even worse. Forget about him. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 6:16:55 AM | Anybody got the dryer sheets? We got a major case of static cling in this thread.
You dated him for a few weeks? You had a fight? You broke up? Was this even a relationship?
Straight up OP this sounds more like an elongated 1 night stand. To keep sending these messages to him without him replying is a massive static cling episode that will make most men run faster than a sock can come up missin' in a dryer. He got the bootie, you got the bootie, enjoy the memories and go buy some batteries to relive them with.
And as far as seeing if he has read/deleted the e-mails? Thats borderline stalking there. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 7:43:18 AM | | No. Don't call him and don't go out with him. Its only going to confuse things more than they already are. Leave him alone and let him pursue you if he wants. You stated what you want and if he cant deliver, move on. Your not on the same page right now. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 8:37:29 AM | | I think it sounds like after "the way you acted" during your fight, he no longer wants to pursue things with you and is trying to let you down gently. He tells you to date other people? That's a huge red flag that he is pretty much over you. If he wants to have drinks with you, tell him he knows your number and HE can call YOU to arrange it. Why should YOU be the one to pursue him after he dumped you??? And stop contacting him to say hi or sending him emails that he doesn't even bother to reply to. You are making yourself look pathetic and needy. Just stop ALL contact and let him come back to you on his own terms. And if he doesn't come back, well then you have your answer about how he truly feels about you. Chasing him like this (despite how patient and understanding you think you are being) is not going to change that, it's only going to make things worse. In the meantime, date other people as he suggested, and get yourself emotionally ready to move on. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 8:37:33 AM | He told me that the issue of why he didn't want to give things another try wasn't because of me or how I treated him--he said that I was sweet, had a good heart, treated him well & the sex was phenomenal--but he just doesn't know what he wants right now, doesn't think he can give me a commitment
After three (3) weeks he says it's not you, it's me...
The "right thing" would be to get OUT to your local special interest social meetup groups, make real friends there over time, and not dwell/obsess over some player that said all the "right things" for a brief affair..
I just want a man's prespective on this situation. Should I leave him be for now & let him come around on his own? Or should I call him like he said to? I didn't expect him to reply to any of my messages from last week, but I hate to think that he could potentially avoid me if I call him this week like he said to. I don't want to push him away further, but I'm not interested in playing games with him either. Messy.
Always messy, when another person doesn't follow our hidden agenda "expectations/rules", especially after sharing so much of ourselves...
Another major reason why Finding and Maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for most,
it REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 8:41:57 AM | You do not say anything about his children and if he has them or if they are with him full or part time, equal custody, only weekends, etc. You do not have children by your profile, and having them can make the separation and divorce that much more intense and needing time and space.
What was the fight over OP? You do not mention what it was about, and that could speak volumes about where his head is at and why. It might be that you want it all, now, and he wants a little of it at a time and wants to spread it out over a year or two. These two things can add much to the insight of those us that have been there and done that when first divorced.
Without that information, my suggestion would be to postpone the meeting for drinks and roll the ball in his court and tell him to get back to you when he is settled more and leave him alone. Going from lovers to friends can be tenuous at best, and will take time to put thoughts and emotions in the right places. What I am getting from your post, is that you want a relationship, and he wants a friend with benefits, or just someone to date and have around a few times a month.
cd | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 9:25:08 AM | I'm gonna agree with CD, I think there's a lack of information to really go by. For instance, why did his 25yr marriage end? I'm guessing it wasn't "his idea" if he's that broken up about it (but I could be wrong). Did she cheat on him? Because having been there (after less time than that, but still years), I can say that knocked me for a loop, having the woman you still love suddenly walk out the door for another guy does a doozy on your self-esteem (I didn't date for almost 2 yrs, and I had several women 'interested' in me, and I can't even say it was that I didn't trust *them*, but rather that I didn't trust myself and my own feelings).
Or, as CD said, children involved? That can add a lot of complexity, and emotions if one has to keep dealing/seeing the ex because of the children. After 25yrs, there's probably still a lot of emotion there even a year later, and if he has to keep contact for the children, well.. that could keep dredging up those feelings for a while.
And yes, what was the fight about? To be honest, you sound like you were coming across quite clingy right off the bat, totally 'taken' and wanting 'it all' right away, and he's still trying to feel his way around being 'single' again after 25yrs.
I'd agree though, I wouldn't do the going out for drinks thing - contact him and let him know when he feels ready he can give you a call, and if you're not dating anyone and he wants to do something let him take the initiative. I'm not gonna say what some have, that all he wants is a FWB... it could be, but I think I'd take it at face value from what he said, that he doesn't know *what* he wants right now. You can't force that. I would nix the idea of sex with him until he's decided what he wants, but the option is yours as to whether you want to be a friend. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 10:11:51 AM | "It's not you, it's me" - oldest line in the book.
He then wants to keep seeing you "as a friend" (he'll get to the benefits after you've had a few drinks). He tells you he doesn't mind you dating but "no sex" - does he own you? I agree with previous poster, this is controlling behaviour and actually just a "test". He wanted to see how much control he has over you and when you set up a date he got his boxers in a bunch as he realised he doesn't have control over you after all, and thinks you'll probably have sex too and he doesn't want your sloppy seconds.
This guy seems to want his cake and to eat it too. If I was you I would let this one swim away. If you *do* meet him then keep your legs closed! See if his attitude towards you changes after that. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 10:25:40 AM | | Don't call. It's a mistake to push the friends angle. It's his mistake to accept it. That's just going to end up you wanting more and him still trying to find himself and feeling guilty that it's taking so long and potentially worse by seeing you date someone else. It's a recipe for disaster. This is the kind of situation that gets ruined by trying to keep something going. There's a chance in the future if you don't ruin it now. Assuming he figures himself out and you're single and he re-initializes contact. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 11:30:26 AM | Wow !
So many haters and cynics on these forums ....and wanting to meet people from the opposite sex ? Amazing ! :(
Safer to read than type I reckon. | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 1:52:36 PM | Succinctly.... Don't call him.
The reason(s) ? ... in addition to every good reason all the girls have stated, if the guy was genuinely interested in you, he would tell you, in detail, what is happening for you to have a clear picture of what _you_ are facing with him and would hope you'd be willing to work out through the issues together with your support.
You obviously are genuinely interested. You're trying everything you can to give the relationship a chance. Is he doing that ? ... from what you said... definitely not.
I don't know exactly what he is aiming for ultimately but, he is not being honest, not being straightforward, not attempting to gain your support to build a relationship. He is not scared... you should be the one scared. Run away!! | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 1:59:38 PM | | i agree . withsomeone the responds here . he just came out of a long marriage some people want t obe open and explore his options . i would not push the issues or contact him . it might blow up in your face if he is dating someone else beside you . and you could really get hurt . i would move on and if he comes around later maybe . but dont waste your time . hey at least he is being honest i never get honesty . i had a guy jerk me around and never been honest . give hi m that much credit at least/ | |
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| Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:13:06 PM | | I'd listen to your friend and let this guy take the initiative to contact you if he is still interested. However, he doesn't seem especially "into it." How are you feeling about now? Lots of compromise and consideration on your part. Kind of a one way street. It's all on HIS terms. Not healthy. | |
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