| | Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?Page 1 of 1 | I have been with my boyfriend for a year and five months. We have had one heck of a relationship with a lot of ups and downs and actually broke up for about a month in February for this year. During the time that we were apart, we maintained contact with each other and both of us had a lot of trouble with the break up (presumably maintaining contact did not help any with this). Neither of us were involved with anyone else during the time that we were apart.
Before we broke up, and from just about the day we started dating, our relationship was very intense. Some great days and some horrible days. We fought a lot, made up a lot, and got along great a lot. There have been major questions about lifestyle preferences- where I want to live with a lot of land and run a dog rescue, he wants a more suburban lifestyle. He has an anxiety disorder which has made things pretty intense during some of our arguments. I have problems with insecurity, which has sparked some of our arguments. Neither of us is even close to perfect and this relationship has seemed like something of a wrecking ball in some cases and absolute perfection in others.
About a month after we started dating, he told me that he thought our relationship was "meant to be". That we were "perfect for each other" and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We said "I love you" a few months later. Things got serious quickly.
Fast forward to two days ago. Being an insecure person due to issues with past relationships (I am currently seeing a therapist for this reason) I have a number of unresolved trust issues. My boyfriend has been pretty good about dealing with this though and I have not had any reason to suspect him of anything, though there have been a few times where I questioned his motives with another girl, specifically a young woman who he met through his work who sent him inappropriate text messages. It took him far too long to tell her to back off. Other than that, he has been so seemingly faithful that I haven't questioned him at all. Or so I thought.
The thing is, if I hadn't suspected him of anything, I wouldn't have done what I did. And yes, I know snooping is bad. I know I deserve to find out what I did. It happened- clearly the trust issues extend far beyond what I thought they do. Hear me out: He visited me on Thursday night and left his Facebook logged in on my computer. Out of simple curiosity, I looked at his messages and saw quite a few between him and an ex-girlfriend. I started reading this conversation and was absolutely appalled at what I found out.
This girl lives about eight hours from here and is several years younger than both of us. When my boyfriend dated her, he said the relationship was serious but she was in high school and he was in college- the age difference and distance (he was going to school about four hours away at the time) created problems in the relationship.
The messages I found that offended me the most were dated from March 2011 to September 2011- during times when our relationship was supposed to have been at its best and well before we broke up for a month. In March of 2011 he said to her "I don't know what to do about us [meaning him and her]" and went on to talk about how he was in a serious relationship and she was just turning 18 and that he wished they could try again with their relationship but it would have to happen "in another world". He told her he missed her many times. And they had frequent sexual banter including times when she would send him photos of her in a dress and he would ask her for photos "in between changes" and other suggestions that she send him nude photos of herself. According to him, she never actually sent nude photos. He told her she was gorgeous, had beautiful legs, and would say "sweet dreams" to her when they each logged off.
I immediately called him out on it and asked him for an explanation. His immediate response was to tell me that he was coming over and to say "That ended awhile ago!". I was absolutely furious and went off on him for several hours once he arrived at my house.
His explanations now are that he was having so much trouble dealing with my insecurity and how I could not take a compliment that he was seeking validation from somebody who he knew could. He says it was never emotional (I don't get this at all!) and says it was a huge mistake- something he did not realize would hurt me (another thing I simply do not get).
I'm heartbroken and feel like most of our relationship has been a complete lie. In addition to these messages to his ex, he has other messages to women, jokingly saying that they wish they could be with him, etc.
He has begged and pleaded with me to forgive him. He blocked this girl on Facebook and is going to talk to her to tell her that he needs to cut off all contact with her. I never asked him to do this- he offered. He seems genuinely sorry- he has apologized constantly for the past 48 hours, stayed with me while I was upset, and told me this would absolutely never happen again.
The thing is, I simply do not understand how saying things like this could have been completely unemotional. I don't understand why he did this. This was somebody who I was certain was safe- or so I thought. Like I said- I never would have checked his messages if I was completely certain things were okay between us. Now I don't know how I can trust him. He has put me through so much with dealing with his anxiety issues, so his excuse that my insecurities were stressing him out makes it even worse.
My question is this: In this situation, what would you do? Would you consider this an emotional affair or just an inappropriate conversation with a girl? | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:44:19 AM | | It wouldn't really matter to me what I believed it was. The bottom line would be that I would never trust him again. You are already insecure, how do you propose to continue a relationship with someone you don't trust? | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:50:05 AM | You have 3 options.
1- Break up with him for good. It's too much to cope with, and his behavior completely violated your trust. The end. Goodbye. And mean it this time. Grow up and move on! And keep up with your therapy so you can learn to stop ending up with idiots like this one.
2- Forgive and forget. Never mention it again. If he says it's over, turn a blind eye to and assume it's true. No, you might not be able to trust him, but that's the consequence of staying with him you'll have to ignore. Live with it and never mention it again. You can't keep asking about it or dwelling on it. Mum's the word.
3-Stay with him argue bitterly when you feel insecure, monitor him when things are rocky, live a life of drama, mistrust, broken hearts, crying, arguing, therapy to not work on your own problems but to "cope with" his crap, feel suspicious, anxious and generally unhappy. In other words, keep doing what you're doing.
Your choice.
(I'd go with #1.) | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:50:09 AM | assuming what you wrote was verbatim to what he had written... then he was definitely emotionally involved with the 18 year old.
Now what i dont understand is how is an emotional affair and an inappropriate conversation with a girl... is gonna change how you feel about this. Either way he was screwin around. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 1:05:59 AM | What a fine mess!
The guy has anxiety problems. Probably of his own creation since he needs to have several women prop him up because his spine is missing. He excuses his behaviour because he needs validation? Eh?
Pitch him to the curb. You have enough of your own issues to deal with, never mind someone like him contributing to it.
Work on yourself first before you let another A**hole come in and really make therapy impossible.
Ask yourself why you attract men who reinforce your trust issues. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 1:06:13 AM | He's seeking ATTENTION, not validation from an ex-girlfriend and blaming it on your lack of ability to accept a compliment?
Interesting that part of his "complimenting" was asking for pics, engaging in sexual banter and asking for various pics.
He's working on being a manipulator, he's not quite got his game down yet, but with practice and the right audience, he'll probably get away with his lies...for a while.
Guess you have to decide if you want to be his "practice till perfect" girlfriend...or NOT.
MrsF | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 2:32:36 AM | stop getting into "intense" relationships where you and the other person emotionally and psychologically beat each other up until someone plays the dead horse... or turns into the dead horse. the relationship was probably going well before your insecurities messed it up and made him run away or as you put it, strayed.
at this point, i don't blame him for wandering off. if i was him, i'd be scared out of my wits that the person i'm with has to always be right and have the last word and hold mistakes over my head like i dropped an atomic bomb over pour starving child and kittens. don't lie. you know you are that kind of person. he just wanted to enjoy life again and it happened that his ex gf provided some fun in his life. you were being completely a downer. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:06:47 AM |
i don't blame him for wandering off. . So it's ok to cheat if you aren't happy in your relationship. As opposed to trying to sort the issue out, or ending the relationship? | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:10:10 AM | ...He seems genuinely sorry.....I simply do not understand how saying things like this could have been completely unemotional.....Now I don't know how I can trust him He's only sorry he got caught. It is probably 'unemotiional' as he's just playing with these women, but he's also insincere with you and can't be trusted. If he truly cared for you, he wouldn't be interested in playing these online games with other women. The bottom line now is that you cannot trust him and he is unworthy of you. IMO the thing for you to do is get rid of him and work on healing and moving past this; stay with your therapy and work on your issues of trust and other matters in relationships--improving your picker for one thing. Don't get involved with anyone for a while. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:04:32 AM | Good thing you are a pretty girl or else I wouldn't have read this book. Having said that...you already have trust issues, and he knew that, yet kept this statutory princess on his mind and in his inbox hmmm. Yah he really respects the trust issues you bring to the table. Ummm if you feel compelled to read somebody's Facebook covertly, well like Bill Engval said, "there's your sign." perfect for each other with intense fighting? Perhaps a quick Merriam-Webster dictionary check on the definition of perfect is called for? You're 22, and my guess is this will not be the man you marry. And if you do, this will be the guy you divorce in 3 years. Good luck OP!
G | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:05:43 AM | I must confess, I didn't read all of your post, but if you're here complaining, I know he must be guilty of something. So, he sucks.
Get rid of him. I'll help you get over it. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:10:21 AM |
I must confess, I didn't read all of your post, but if you're here complaining, I know he must be guilty of something. So, he sucks.
Get rid of him. I'll help you get over it.
I am sure it will --; ) | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 5:48:40 AM | Speaking from an "old man Dad" point of view, this story (which I read entirely) describes two people who are in no way ready to even think about committing to any sort of long term relationship.
Neither of you is capable of being able to rely on YOURSELVES. You are both vibrating around your own emotions, rather than around any sense of self within your own lives, and hence all you are trying to get from each other, are band-aids to cover your anxieties.
You could call it you breaking off with him, if you like, or the both of you realizing you can't fulfill each others needs. But either way, I would recommend you not try to continue on like this, unless you really do find that the drama of it all is what actually pleases you. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 5:53:52 AM | | The first step in dealing with trust issues is to trust your own gut feelings....and respect them by acting on them. I think you know what the answer is...you just have to trust that you can move on. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 6:07:04 AM | | Inappropriate texts with a girl from work. Inappropriate messages with a girl on facebook. Inappropriate messages with other women on facebook. Blaming your insecurities for driving him to it. What was your question? Can you trust him? No! | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:48:03 PM | Yep...its an emotional affair.
Is your relationship dysfunctional...yup....codependent relationship.
You will never trust him again. Can't have a meaningful relationship without trust.
Leave him and move on. Work on your trust issues and remember when searching for a mate make sure he has a light emotional plate (don't pick a guy with more issues than you do or you will be playing "dualing banjos" with emotional baggage) | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:22:34 AM | I have a few choice words on this matter. First of all, something instinctive (female intuition) led you to read his open ****Face, I mean Facebook. Add to that, something subconscience made him leave that page available to you. This is not coincidence. These messages fulfill a fantasy, which is the first step of him distancing himself from you. A dear friend of mine ignored these innocuous internet flirtations, and his girlfriend moved out of the state (leaving him) for her new internet lover. That is the end product of an emotional affair. My emotional affair ended up in a full on affair with a married man who still wants to marry me. He's nuts.
Okay, so he blocked her? How many ****Face accounts could he have (I have 2)? He SAYS he will talk to her? I'm sure he will, saying how is current girlfriend is such an insecure, nagging ****. He's unemotional because he doesn't intend on doing it and is lying to you. Here's a red flag too (I have had 2 of these and know it means buh-bye): "I promise I'll make it up to you!" **** that shit.
You would never had checked his messages if...... C'mon, don't be that girl. Put a steel brace on that spine of yours and put some avocados in your pants (BTW, "avocado" means balls in Spanish.) Chalk this one up to experience, learn from it, listen to your amazing intuition -- it keeps us safe-- and LEAVE HIM. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:50:24 AM |
In this situation, what would you do?
Cut his toxicity out of my life, period.
Would you consider this an emotional affair or just an inappropriate conversation with a girl?
It doesn't sound like this incident is the only problem, so it doesn't really matter whether it's an affair or merely "inappropriate". Either way, it's another problem for your relationship. How many more straws are you going to load onto that camel? | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/13/2012 10:37:28 AM | I think at 23, you should not be looking for a life partner especially with this guy.
All he has shown throughout your relationship is his proof of his own insecurity and complete disrespect. He put the blame on you that he has to go elsewhere for validation? What a complete load of bullshit. Trust me he is far more upset about getting caught than losing you. Your relationship was not a lie, you just happened to have a relationship with a liar.
Block him and move on, you deserve better than him. | |
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| Is this an emotional affair? What would you do?
Posted: 5/13/2012 10:49:26 AM | He begged, pleaded, asked for forgiveness & has taken steps to regain your trust. If that is not enough to ease your mind, then call it quits. This whole situation is a train wreck with neither of you being healthy enough to sustain a relationship. I am surprised your therapist has not suggested, strongly, that you end it with him. But then again, this might be the test you need to see if you can forgive, forget, re-trust & move on.
Personnally, his conversations with this girl would not even concern me. I'd let him know I didn't like it, then let it go. We have no control over others, we treat them the best we can, but it is their decision if they want to cheat. We have no control over that & there is no sense sticking around being miserable & trying to make him do what you want. | |
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