| | Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | This is my first post on the forums ,so be kind!
Three years ago the guy I had been seeing for a couple of years, broke up with me, for a number of reasons, including an international move, and the fact that we didn't have anything in common. What we did have though was a great deal of affection and caring for each other, which turned into a great friendship. Basically we talked frequently on the phone, and would see each other when he was in the country, about once every six months or so. NOTHING even vaguely sexual has happened, AT ALL, for at least two years, and even thinking about him sexually feels incestuous and wrong. We make each other laugh, and we give each other advice, including about the people we are seeing, the way that friends do.
Anyway, long story short, hes recently got engaged to a woman. I'm absolutely happy that hes happy. But his fiance wrote to me about a month ago, and asked me not to contact him again. I havent, because I don't want to cause trouble. But to be honest, I miss the friendship. Ive recently started dating again, and for once it seems to be going somewhere. Ive also just started postgraduate study. All together its getting a bit much, and he's really the best person to talk to when you are stressed, because he never worries about anything.
Actually just writing this makes me think I'm being selfish. I shouldn't call him, should I? But it does suck to lose a good friend... | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:21:10 AM | I wonder if he knows he's marrying someone who would take that much control of his life?
My best friend is a male. He has been my friend for 35 years. If his fiancee (now his wife) had written or called me to ask me not to contact him again I would have immediately called him and ask him if that was what HE wanted. If he said yes, then I would have respected his decision. If he said no, then I would have made it clear that I was only going to stay in touch with him if his fiancee knew about it.
If someone I was dating/engaged to sent a letter like that to my best friend, it would be the end of the engagement.
Not sure what to advise you as you've left it quite a while since she wrote to you. It could very well be that she told him that YOU had called and said you didn't want contact anymore now that he was engaged. | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:31:56 AM | I know, and he knows, that she has had an issue with the friendship for ages, He also knows she wrote to me (she used his email account), and has apologized for it. I haven't replied, because I would just like all the drama to die down. Its not that unusual for us to go for a while without contact, when we get busy or something, and I doubt hes thinking too much about it. I just really had a strong urge to have a chat just then.
I won't though. They've just moved in together. I figure if I give them six months or a year, she might be secure enough to deal with it then. I'm in another country, so I do find it hard to take her concerns too seriously. Its not like he can just pop round to mine for a quick shag, or anything, so I don't really know what the problem is. | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:38:31 AM | OP is an Australian...
(not that we don't respect the sanctity of marriage over here -- just not necessarily the 'American' aspect of it).
*edited to add -- we get to see the Kardashians over here too...
OP - where is the bloke located? (just out of curiosity) | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:47:23 AM | | Samoa! All beaches, and palm trees, and sun! I was hoping for free holiday accomodation, but I have the feeling that's not going to be on the cards anytime soon...... | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 3:54:21 AM | Oh, Australia you say? Well then go nuts!
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Edit!
OP if you were engaged to the love of your life would you want him conversing with his wonderful ex girl(friend)?
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EDIT
Wow! You Aussie women void of any trust and jealousy issues! I should've taken that job in Sydney when I had the chance!
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:00:53 AM | | Honestly, if I was engaged to the love of my life, I think I would trust him enough for it not to be an issue. I can't imagine ever telling a partner he wasn't allowed to be friends with someone. People need friends outside relationships, and your ex-partners are often the people who know you best, hence make good friends But hey, I get it that not everyone else agrees. | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:01:36 AM | No, I think his new 'gal' would have issues with that... lol
I am still friends with a high school boyfriend - went to his mothers funeral (and his wife gave me death stares -- but, I knew her, and was concerned for him. Flew down to Brisbane for it, and gave him a 'hug' -- his Dad gave me a hug too, and he is not the hugging type...
Keep in there OP -- this gal may end up being his wife, but you are first and foremost his friend. (you don't have to be her friend by extension, but it would simplify things if you were...) | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:11:50 AM | I know, and he knows, that she has had an issue with the friendship for ages, He also knows she wrote to me (she used his email account), and has apologized for it. I haven't replied, because I would just like all the drama to die down. Its not that unusual for us to go for a while without contact, when we get busy or something, and I doubt hes thinking too much about it. I just really had a strong urge to have a chat just then.
If someone feels their entitled to use their partner's account to mail one of his friends informing her the friendship is over, I doubt very much it stops there. I'm wondering which other friends and family she's going to attempt to isolate him from.
Sadly, I think your friend is in an abusive relationship and I hope he comes to realise this before he marries her. If you think he's not paying much attention to the whole issue, he's displaying traits that would make it much easier for her to get away with this sort of behaviour. One day he may wake up and realise he has no friends left - rather than it just being a normal period of no contact, it'll be no contact, period.
If a partner had behaved like that with me, they would have been out of the door pronto. Its likely indicative of far deeper problems and as such, is a deal breaker. I wouldn't spend my time getting married to someone who doesn't understand the basics of respect, effective communication, freedom of choice and trust. What kind of a relationship can you possibly have under those circumstances?
Option 1: You respect her demands and allow her to isolate, disrespect and abuse him as she sees fit, even though he contacted you and apologised for her, presumably saying your prohibition wasn't how he wanted things to be. Try not to resent that he's not there for you, but if and when things go pear shaped, be there for him;
Option 2: Completely ignore her mail and carry on as normal. If there's drama, its hers and its up to them to sort it out between themselves. Its only drama if you allow yourself to become emotional about it. If she sends you other mail, record it, ignore it and carry on as normal.
Her behaviour only has power if you do as your told, if you allow it to affect you. If a child has a tantrum, you ignore it - giving them attention, even if its a telling off, it reinforces the behaviour. If she can get away with it once, she'll do it time and time again to him, with every friend, male, or female, every family member who she takes a dislike to, until he has no one and is entirely dependent upon her for human contact. I'm going to hazard a guess she criticises him a lot and tries to erode his self-esteem as well. | |
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Posted: 5/12/2012 4:12:37 AM | | This a is no brainer...as much as you want to contact him just dont. Who know what he really told her about the true relationship(pretty sure all good things). Sounds like new gf is just a little concern so grant her wish . | |
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Posted: 5/12/2012 4:18:27 AM | That's sort of interesting,
It seems to be the guys who are saying don't contact him, and the girls who think it shouldn't be a problem. I wonder why that is? I might have expected the oppposite, if anything.
(Just to be clear, it was a passing urge, and I'm going to leave it for a few months at least. I will call him eventually though, and yes, I will always be around if he needs a mate!) | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:30:22 AM |
That's sort of interesting,
It seems to be the guys who are saying don't contact him, and the girls who think it shouldn't be a problem. I wonder why that is? It's because most men (not all, there are some intelligent ones) don't believe that there is such a thing as a platonic relationship between men and women. Whereas most women, often because they have male friends, understand that it IS possible to be just friends with a man. | |
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Posted: 5/12/2012 4:34:07 AM |
It's because most men (not all, there are some intelligent ones) don't believe that there is such a thing as a platonic relationship between men and women. Whereas most women, often because they have male friends, understand that it IS possible to be just friends with a man.
Ha! So all of us males on this post who have given our opinion contrary to your opinion makes us unintelligent? Why bother understanding reasons and experiences as to why men feel a certain way when you can cast us all off as idiots? Glad that sort of prejudging has worked out well for you!
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:34:43 AM | | Funny world we live in.. Slightly off topic but my parents have been divorced and both remarried, dad having a second family. Mum still goes to his family reunions and dad flew over from another state to take mum out for the day for what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. (with his wifes blessing) . They went back to her place and went over old photos, swapped some of them and talked for the afternoon about the good ole days. It all comes down to trust and how secure you are within yourself. | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:42:50 AM | My Mum died 7 months ago. She was re-married for 30 years to my step-Dad. I invited my real Dad to her funeral, and he thanked me for that. She was an important part of his life -- and he needed the closure (with his current wife's blessing).
OP -- you are not the other woman.
You are someone that is significant in 'his' life...
His new 'gal' will deal with it or not... | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:45:20 AM | | Hmm guess I touched a nerve. I didn't say anyone was an idiot. I happen to think that intelligent men and women are able to have platonic friendships. | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:47:30 AM | 3fferverscent, I'm sorry about your mum.
I do like your story though, and the one above. I like it when people act in ways that make me believe that human nature is basically sane and good :). | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:48:58 AM |
Hmm guess I touched a nerve. I didn't say anyone was an idiot. I happen to think that intelligent men and women are able to have platonic friendships.
That would make them friendly, not necessarily intelligent...
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Posted: 5/12/2012 4:50:04 AM | My father passed away just a few days after last Christmas. He left my mother when I was three months old and had been married to another woman for over 4oyears. My father and stepmother would visit my mum when they went to Sydney and mum flew up to Brisbane for his funeral. They remained good buddies and my stepmother never felt threatened by their relationship. I feel blessed that they were wise enough and good enough people to maintain a reasonable friendship not the least for the benefit of their children.
My ex husband is one of my closest friends, as his current wife. They recently helped me through the process of purchasing a property. If any person I was dating expected my to stop contact with him, or with my best friend of 35 years (who is male), it would be an easy choice to make.
^^ "that would make them friendly...." perhaps I could have worded it better, but my point is that it takes a rational mind to put petty jealousies aside and understand that men and women can remain friends after a romantic relationship has ended. I simply don't understand how a lot of people demand their partners have no contact with an ex, or get jealous when they do. It's all about trust.
Sorry OP, for going slightly off on a tangent. I won't make any further comment on this side issue :) | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:54:08 AM | Reading your reasons and experiences, gcdeb, I totally understand and get why you feel the way you do. Now, are you capable of listening to a man's reasons for being leery of his fiance's wonderful ex boyfriend who lingers around?
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:57:46 AM | I think people are, sane and good ---
if he is your friend (that is all that matters to both of you)
--don't desert him because of what she has said.
<div class="quote">That would make them friendly, not necessarily intelligent...
What does that mean? (thought I may not be able to reply for a while, as I am pushing my limit of reply's now...)
I am intelligent -- the OP seems to be, and so are all of the people that have replied.
What am I missing in terms of this not being intelligent?
VVVVV @grant - Well, pat your Pomeranian, and realise that people sometimes make connections that are life-long.
Your Pomeranian may not have had that experience -- but, none the less, these things do happen... | |
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| Friends, girlfriends and a nasty message...
Posted: 5/12/2012 5:00:10 AM | I was merely making friendly banter with a fellow forum fish. I simply stated that friendliness does not equate to intelligence. I have a lovable and friendly Pomeranian, but intelligence escapes him :)
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