| | un-met expectationsPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | so here's an interesting experience that i thought was funny enough to share...
i had been interacting w/someone through POF and she seemed very cool. We exchanged lots of emails, talked on the phone - very comfortably, exchanged lots of texts.
from very early on - we decided that we'd meet at a special type of movie place - it's not a regular theater - instead it's more of an experience (called ipic, i believe) where you have like reclining chairs, etc. i had never been before so i figured it'd be fun. it did seem a bit too pricey, especially for a first date - but based on the person - i decided to take the risk. so we continued to chat throughout.
there was a few "yellow" flags that i noticed but didn't do anything about at the time (i always notice the yellow flags but at the time, they're just that yellow flags)...
at one point i mentioned about not being completely sure what i could afford and the reply i got was that if it would help - we could always put the date off for another week. i dunno, if someone told me they maybe couldn't afford something and i really wanted to meet them - i would suggest something less expensive, not simply putting off the date. now, i know not everyone is going to think like me so....
i was going through a lot of stress lately due to a recent move and have been feeling under the weather. when i mentioned the same to the person - she texted how she hoped i'd feel better by the time we were to meet. again, maybe this is just me - but i would be more inclined to tell someone "i hope you feel better soon" ... not that i hope you feel better so that you could meet me....
last, this is the funniest. the day before my move, i texted and had to cancel our date. the move ended up costing me a lot more then i had anticipated so at that point there was no way i'd be able to afford an expensive date. when i texted her - she was fine w/that and very understanding - which i really appreciated.
anyhow, i later emailed on POF if she'd like to get together sometime soon for coffee? nothing, nada, zilch, zip ...ok, no worries. i waited a day and sent the same request by txt. Generally (always) she was very responsive, whether by POF or text. So once again, nada zilch, zip.
It's so odd to me, when i'm inclined to spend a lot of money on a date - there was a lot of interest, once i suggested a more affordable alternative - the interest simply disappeared - hysterical !!
I am learning from this experience though, i am learning that for a very first meeting - it's very wise to keep things simple, say drinks or coffee. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/12/2012 11:55:27 PM | I am learning from this experience though, i am learning that for a very first meeting - it's very wise to keep things simple, say drinks or coffee.
Got it in one!!!!!!
Lesson learned? | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:01:14 AM | | That is desappointing to hear that some people lose interest based on the expense of the date. But I know that I am not a fan of getting coffee on the first date. Not because it is not expensive but because it seems something that is too quick, almost as if you (or whoever) isn't willing to put in the actuall time for a date. Perhaps she just didn't like the alternative suggestion? | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:05:10 AM | ...I meant....just meet for a Coffee or a drink....on a first date....
If it proceeds to a 2nd or 3rd date....then maybe arrange something a little more expensive....that's all....
btw...A first meet is NOT a date.....it's a FIRST meet....keep it simple... | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:09:22 AM | The other thing you should have learnt from this experience is to not build the relationship up into something that it isn't by endless emails, calls and texts before you meet.
It may be that she noticed, what to her at least, were yellow flags. Perhaps you were trying to get out of the date by saying you couldn't afford it the first time. Perhaps you were fishing for her to go dutch with you (which she may have thought was tacky). Perhaps you were again trying to get out of it by cancelling the day before, again pleading financial reasons.
Perhaps she felt she'd overlooked her yellow flags enough times.
(I'm not saying she is right, personally I would have offered to share the costs right from the start, and definitely once you said money might be a problem, but not all women think like that.) | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:11:16 AM | | it may have been the expense.. but it may have been something else... like maybe in the time you were busy... she was busy with other men. Or felt you were playing her... or many other unknowns. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:21:17 AM | if someone is interested in getting together but is not interested in getting coffee - then unless they're hands have been crushed or chopped off from the last text they sent - there is no reason why could not have replied that while coffee wasn't their thing but they'd love to be doing something else.
"The other thing you should have learnt from this experience is to not build the relationship up into something that it isn't by endless emails, calls and texts before you meet."
the statement above is ignorant because it's based on something where presumptions are made. first, there was no "relationship" - we never met. second, there wasn't anything "built up" - it's called friggin' respect for people i'm writing. when i am writing to someone, i don't pressure them into meeting - if they're ok to meet sooner then later - *awesome*, but maybe someone is busy, maybe for whatever reason they'd rather prolong communication a bit before they are comfortable to meet. i'd be kind of an ***hole if i tried to force someone to meet before they were ready. so you roll with the flow and meet when both parties have determined it's mutually convenient. but, um ...thanks.
although i wasn't fishing for us to go dutch - wtf - why in the world would that be tacky? goodness friggin' sakes, women want equal rights but then *expect* to be paid for on a date - are you serious???
anyhow, if someone doesn't have preset expectations about being paid for - then it would not be a yellow flag if the person they are speaking with is saying how they may not be able to afford completely paying for an *expensive* date.
that's one of the beauty's of online dating - people are so adept at eliminating themselves from contention. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:28:37 AM |
the statement above is ignorant because it's based on something where presumptions are made. first, there was no "relationship" - we never met. second, there wasn't anything "built up" - it's called friggin' respect for people i'm writing. when i am writing to someone, i don't pressure them into meeting - if they're ok to meet sooner then later - *awesome*, but maybe someone is busy, maybe for whatever reason they'd rather prolong communication a bit before they are comfortable to meet. i'd be kind of an ***hole if i tried to force someone to meet before they were ready. so you roll with the flow and meet when both parties have determined it's mutually convenient. but, um ...thanks.
although i wasn't fishing for us to go dutch - wtf - why in the world would that be tacky? goodness friggin' sakes, women want equal rights but then *expect* to be paid for on a date - are you serious???
anyhow, if someone doesn't have preset expectations about being paid for - then it would not be a yellow flag if the person they are speaking with is saying how they may not be able to afford completely paying for an *expensive* date.. Wow that was a nice little attack on your part for a post from me that was actually on your side.
We exchanged lots of emails, talked on the phone - very comfortably, exchanged lots of texts. I didn't make any assumptions. Most people on here will agree that it is not a good idea to have a lot of non face-to-face communication prior to meeting. If you can't meet straight away, fine, but keep the communication limited so expectations are not raised.
I never said you were fishing for her to go dutch - I said she may have thought that. Reread my post. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:30:47 AM | | my vote goes for she felt blown off by you... you threw up some yellow flags yourself... I hate hate hate when a guy talks about money and makes a date about money.... never plan something you can't afford... if I were her... I would have thought that you were playing games... you set a date and then canceled the day before.... money or no money should have kept the date.... | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:34:46 AM | there's no "attack" - i'm just speaking my opinion. i don't desire anyone to be on anyone's side - i shared my story not for sympathy - just for the sake of sharing.
it doesn't matter what "a lot of people on here" agree to - i can't force someone to meet any sooner then they might be ready to meet.
what you say about keeping communication limited makes sense to a degree. in one sense - it sucks because i'm expressive and until i can meet with someone in person - being expressive/communicative can help one another get a sense of each other's personality. on the flip side - it can be a lot of energy pourted into something with not outcome - and that's the risk that we take sometimes - it's all good.
yes, i did see that you didn't say that i was fishing to go dutch, i was just saying that even if i was - i don't understand why that would be tacky. actually, i wouldn't fish - i'd just say it outright.
the difficulty is i believe in chivalry, i believe in paying for the first meeting - i prefer when a women at least offers to pay her share, but i'd still prefer to cover the tab. but sadly, now i have to consider being taken advantage of and that kinda sucks but eh, it's life. it's not something i'll inherently change who i am over - it's just something i'll have to be mindful over. | |
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saveta
| | Joined: 4/23/2012
Msg: 12 | |
| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:35:46 AM | | I would've paid for myself and we would have met for coffee and a stroll in the park. I don't "do" fancy things on first meetings. I especially pay for myself. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:38:36 AM | "money or no money - should have kept the date"
are you flippin' serious??? *wow*
once again, if someone has expectations that someone else is going to take care of them, someone they've never met, on a first date/meeting - then i have no sympathy for that stupidity.
if you're interested in a person - then you work it out because you want to meet the person. if you're interested in what the person can do for you - well then again, no sympathy whatsoever!! | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:45:10 AM | | yes I am flippin serious... if you were interested in her... you would have kept the date... and YOU put those expectations on her... she never said anything about YOU taking care of her.... YOU didn't have to agree to a date you couldn't afford to begin with... YOU made this about money,.... I wouldn't want to see someone who cancelled the night before for no good reason.... if YOU were interested YOU would have kept the original date and either switched it up from the movie.... or figured out how to make the movie happen.... we have those theatres here..... they are not all that hugely expensive.... | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 12:57:25 AM | @Neck - yup, who knows. thanks.
@Saveta - thank you for your common sense answer!
@iiCeiiCe - my goodness, i find your reply so ignorant - i won't debate w/you on the matter - you're welcome to your views. as far as hard and fast fact ... between the movie and food in the theater - the date would cost about $85 - $100. whatever you consider "expensive" for someone that you haven't met to be paying for you - is your perrogative. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 2:10:44 AM | To Mercury_rising
Just from your answers, whether you're right or wrong, you seem to have a temper. You posted something, and although you didn't want sympathy, it seems like you didn't want anyone to respond to your already preconcieved thoughts on the matter--that would raise some yellow, orange and red flags to me about you. This is a forum, and you'll get opinions whether you want them or not.
My opinion on the expensive date---I would have suggested another place or activity the night before, instead of cancelling. Maybe she had told all her friends where you were taking her and she felt flattered only to look foolish when you cancelled. Or, maybe there were people in her life that always let her down and you looked like a pattern of this? No one knows why she bailed, so give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.
And, speaking from experience having gone on several POF dates, the simpler ones are the best. This way if it doesn't work out, neither of you regrets the money and time spent. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 2:36:12 AM | huh ... huh and ... huh?
"it seems like you didn't want anyone to respond" - i'm glad you worded your input like that with "seems like" ....this is a subjective concept - so if it seems like that to you, you are welcome to that perception, there's no debate - end of story.
"i'll get opinions on a forum whether asked for or not" - seriously? really? no way? wait - seriously?....*sighs*
so i'll continue with my assessments from earlier - if someone has some grand expectations of someone elevating them on a pedestal before they've even met - that's something *they* need to own. everyone has a story and anyone can BS someone else. well i didn't BS anyone - everyone owns their own expectations. in my most humblest of opinion - someone doesn't look foolish in front of their friends if their perspective date had to cancel because of unexpected exorbitant moving costs. one *may* however look foolish in front of their friends if they bragged about a date that had not occurred, with someone they had not met about how special they were going to get elevated on a platform by a stranger. we own our own communications, no one else but ourselves. if someone has a pattern of being let down - again, that is their thought process to own - it is in no way the responsibility of some new person they have never met!
there is no reason to give someone the benefit of the doubt - or not, the situation simply is what it is.
i agree w/your last statement about simpler being better. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 2:53:34 AM | Anything else, OP? Did she part her hair wrong on one of her profile pics or say ‘bye’ when she should have said, ‘see ya’? Jeez.
we decided that we'd meet at a special type of movie place …. i had never been before so i figured it'd be fun. it did seem a bit too pricey, especially for a first date - but based on the person - i decided to take the risk.
i later emailed on POF if she'd like to get together sometime soon for coffee?
So she went from being someone worth ‘risking’ a pricey date on to someone worthy of coffee?
Put yourself in her position. You suggested a lovely date, then told her you were sick, moving, etc. then ended up canceling on her and offering a coffee meet as a consolation prize. I’d lose your number, too.
But……you’ve got a long list of irrelevant gripes to try to justify yourself.
Oh, and next time you want a woman to split the date, TELL HER. Don’t play childish games.
You’re your own worst enemy.
ETA: Oh. I just read through the thread. If you’re that disrespectful to the women you date, they are better off without you. Pfft. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 3:06:35 AM | I would of ditched you as well. I wouldn't let a guy pay for my share of the date, but if he cant even afford a 100 bucks hows he gonna afford to come with me on all the rest of the awesome things i like to do?
i have never been that broke, and i wouldn't like to be with someone that was.... it would impinge on my lifestyle | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 3:24:38 AM | | I had a gal ask me out.. ask for separate checks at dinner and after the date claim I should have paid for dinner and will not date me because of that. Thanks to that I now go dutch on all first dates/meets to weed out free rides,gold diggers and any other such entitlement BS. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 3:54:26 AM |
there's no "attack" - i'm just speaking my opinion.
the statement above is ignorant I consider this to be an attack. It's certainly not a compliment.
first, there was no "relationship" - we never met. I used the word literally. I have a relationship with my co-workers. I also have relationships with people I know only online. "Relationship" means that we are 'relating' to each other in some way.
..second, there wasn't anything "built up" Yes, there was. According to the title of your thread, there were "un-met expectations".
but, um ...thanks. Perhaps not an attack, but unfriendly sarcasm at best.
- wtf - why in the world would that be tacky? goodness friggin' sakes, women want equal rights but then *expect* to be paid for on a date - are you serious??? Again, I would consider this to be in an attacking tone. And totally unwarranted. I don't think it was tacky. But I can guarantee you a lot of women would. And yes, I was serious. I was trying to tell you what she may have been thinking.
Don't ask questions if you aren't prepared to consider all possible response. I'll make a note to never offer you advice again.
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:18:54 AM | It is very clear to me, OP, from the way you are dealing with all the people here who are responding to your post, what the real reason is that the woman in question ran for the hills.
You have attacked, and often insulted every person who failed to immediately support your assumption that there was something wrong with the woman who you failed to date.
And when you are called on your paranoia and misdirected anger, you claim you are "just stating your opinion."
No point in suggesting any answer at all to this post, since you have made it vibrantly clear, both why you came to make the complaint, and that you have no intention or desire to learn anything from it. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:42:27 AM | You planned a first meet that was expensive, why? If you are struggling financially then what possessed you to suggest that? It seems to me that you over stepped your comfort zone then bashed her for not getting it.
Most women are happy to just meet and talk about common interests the first time. No need to try and impress.
You say you believe in chivalry, does a man that invites you out to a specific location on a certain day and time and then cancels sound nice to you? She lost interest because you blew her off, and your 'yellow flags' are all about how she didn't react to information the way you thought she should.
You have attacked every poster here that did not agree with you. You should try and listen to what people tell you, their opinions are not meant to be mean only to give you their take on what YOU posted. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2012 4:43:51 AM | It's so odd to me, when i'm inclined to spend a lot of money on a date - there was a lot of interest, once i suggested a more affordable alternative - the interest simply disappeared - hysterical !!
It doesn't seem odd to me because I don't think the money had anything to do with her interest or why she disappeared and from what I've read in this thread, I don't blame her. | |
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| un-met expectations
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:44:15 AM | That is desappointing to hear that some people lose interest based on the expense of the date. But I know that I am not a fan of getting coffee on the first date. Not because it is not expensive but because it seems something that is too quick, almost as if you (or whoever) isn't willing to put in the actuall time for a date. Perhaps she just didn't like the alternative suggestion?
If someone has a problem with getting coffee, OTHER than the fact that they don't like coffee. Or they are too concerned about a typical VENUE they're wanting to meet, that's someone I'd not want to get to know anyways. Means they are superficial...at least to me. | |
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