|Wanting to go home Page 1 of 1 |
|Ok so here is my situation...|
I have spent the better part of the last 10 years raising my 2 kids by myself. For 5 years of that the kids dad and I were together, but when we were he was more content with leaving me at home with the kids-even in the evenings after work.
Anyway, 6 years ago he told me it was over. So, for the first little bit he gave me enough money to live on so I could continue to be a stay at home mom. When the kids both were in school full time, I went and got work and he stopped giving me money. Now at this point he was quite content with not seeing the kids often (like once every 2 weeks or so on weekends). I used to beg him to see his kids more. So at this point he was not giving me any money and barely took an interest in his kids.
So 2 years ago I finally getting sick of not getting help from him I decided to take him to court. Because he always changed things we had verbally agreed upon, so it worked in his favor. I wanted legal papers, things set in stone so he couldn't just change things whenever he felt like it. That being said though, he was always verbally abusive to me when we were together and has a bad temper and a penchant for snapping and throwing things, etc. So when I did sign the papers I signed them under durest, fearing I would feel the wrath of him.
He found a mediator that helped to speed up the process. One of the things he asked in the papers was that I cannot move back to Alberta from BC without further legal fight. Because he knows how badly I want to go home. I am from Alberta and that is where my support system is. So, at this point I had forced him to have the kids more often. He started seeing them every second weekend no questions asked. And finally started giving me child support.
Then, just over a year ago he met a woman with 3 kids herself. They started living together, so once again we changed our agreement. He had the help at his place to look after the kids. I still used the daycare when I had them at my place. So, this nice woman took on our 2 kids when they were at his place. The agreement became every other week for 7 days. So, the kids bounced back and fourth between houses. I did a lot more driving because I had to pick up and drop off, etc. It seemed even though he was taking them for 7 days, when I had them on my 7 days my work load got bigger. Because he changed the kids school as well, so the kids had to take the bus from his place and to his place every week day.
His girlfriend soon became his fiancee, and he had suggested to me that we try something new. Because the kids were going to and from school from his place he offered to take the kids on a weekly basis and I have them on weekends. So, about 2 months ago we started this temporarily to see if it worked and we set a court date for July to make it permanent if it did work. I found out since we set that date, that his fiancee was the one doing all the care of our kids and she called me to tell me she is now leaving him. I also found out that the mediator he picked when we got our original papers done was a former lover of his.
He is not aware that I know they are splitting and he has not made the effort to talk to me about the situation. He knows part of the reason I agreed to this was because he had a woman there to help him with the kids. So, taking that into account I went to see a lawyer last week to find out what my rights are. She told me I would have an uphill battle if I wanted to leave the province with the kids.
The thing is though, I don't want to leave out of spite or to take them away from their dad. I am going to go and get my custody back, because I didn't spend the last 10 years raising them almost by myself to give them up now. I have tried my very hardest to stay here so they can see their dad. But, I have an opportunity to make more money there then I am here. Which could give my kids a better life. And as I said, my support system is there so I would have help with the kids so I would not have to pay somebody to look after them. Which is a huge expense. I would make the effort for them to see their dad as often as possible. I cannot live without my kids and it seems at this point going home is one of the best options. As, he has to work too and has nobody to help him look after the kids now that she is leaving.
I just wanted some opinions
Sorry it is so long but I had to try and cover it so you had all the details
|Wanting to go home |
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:55:39 AM
|A very long and complicated-sounding story here. But I think it boils down to:|
Decide how you want your life to be arranged, get a lawyer who knows there stuff, and go to the courts to arrange it to your specifications. Stop trying to make decisions based upon what you imagine might or might not be in other peoples minds (which is what I see most of this narrative consisting of). Thus, you want him to have the OPPORTUNITY to be involved in his children's lives, then have your lawyer establish times when he will have those opportunities, at your convenience, and according to your schedule. If you have a lawyer who specializes in such situations, they can advise you about what you can and cannot ask for, and what methods to use to set your limits.
You are extraordinarily lucky to have the financial wherewithal you describe, so all you need to do is find a "translator" (your lawyer) to help you take your notions of how life ought to be, and turn them into a legal course of action and agreement.
|Wanting to go home |
Posted: 5/21/2012 5:22:03 AM
|There is a woman on this site who has several kids whom she got from helping ex's|
and ended up with custody of the kids.. and child support from the parents ( both I think)
Be careful if you intend to be your kids mother as from what you describe a judge may see someone else is better suited. Not a good idea in my eyes to have your husbands new woman watch them...
if they break up the kids are changed to new sitters.
It would be better to find regular sitters if his father will not be there and doing it and work another job to pay for it.
Ask your sisters and work something out with them if thats possible.
|Wanting to go home |
Posted: 5/21/2012 7:08:37 AM
|May I say - think very carefully about your motives for leaving the Province. Is it really because of this wonderful job offer or is it because doing so, would stop the back and forth of constantly changing arrangements with regards to the children.|
When my ex husband and I split up initially, because we had both come here from another Country, one of the conditions the judge set was that neither of us could remove the children from the Province without the permission of the other parent which could not be unreasonably with held.
When he later disappeared during the legal process, I was finally granted a divorce in his absence, and that condition was lifted when I was given full custody and full paternal rights. Fleetingly, I considered returning to my home country.
Doing so would have provided me with the support of extended family, life-long friends, business contacts etc. I would have been able to live with my parents (not sure how that would have worked out - LOL) but it would have provided my children with a home until we got re-established. I would have a social circle. But then I realized something - all of those reasons, were all about me.
I brought my children here with my ex husband because I believed they would have a better standard of living. I still believe that Canada is a far better environment to raise a family then the UK is. This is all my children know now. Their friends are here, they are settled in the school system, they know our community. Once I understood that the reasons to move all benefited me but not necessarily them, I decided to stay. And I have never regretted that decision.
So, I would simply say, really look at the reasons for considering the move and make sure you aren't fooling yourself about the motives for doing so and then decide.
|Wanting to go home |
Posted: 5/21/2012 9:31:42 AM
|A couple things that popped up in your story. One, I highly doubt your mediator was "picked" by your ex. It don't happen that way, and it definitely isn't "professional" of an ex lover to be said mediator. If you actually believe this to be true, it should and can be brought up through this mediation process.|
I would also be careful on how you handle your "moving away" back to Alberta. Toooooooo many scenarios to go thru,but, do make sure you are acting in your children's (and your) best "long term" interest. My ex and I both agreed on not being able to move with our daughter,except it was out of the lowermainland,not just the province. She tried to pull a few "work related" moves during our child's younger years, and she just couldn't get the mediator to see "her side" of the story. You decided to have children with this man, in this province, WITHOUT "your support system",but, because you have split, you have decided NOW that you NEED this "support"?????? Do you see what I'm getting at??????
|Wanting to go home |
Posted: 5/21/2012 10:27:48 AM
|Mediators tend to have a code of ethics and I would imagine you were at least smart enough to use a professional in the first place. The usual process is to come up with 3 mediators and settle on one you both agree on. Most careful and prudent parents then take the suggestions outlined by a mediator and have a lawyer review it?|
Then, just over a year ago he met a woman with 3 kids herself. They started living together, so once again we changed our agreement.
Agreements are made to be changed as the children grow older and the needs or best interest of the children changes….so who cares if it changed because of some other woman…or some guy you were seeing…
She told me I would have an uphill battle if I wanted to leave the province with the kids.
As any custodial parent should…..the fact you had already enabled the children to spend every other week with him indicates you have already acknowledged shared custody….
As, he has to work too and has nobody to help him look after the kids now that she is leaving.
Lets go back to the start and the 10 years…suggesting the children are not babies…..I will suggest the deal is not that difficult….you work…you come home and take care of the kids…you have a after school care take care of them until they are 12---14 and things move smoothly…I have a 16yr old….been at this over 10yrs…almost 11yrs…it really is not that difficult a job single parenting…far easier than living with my ex and raising the children!
But, I have an opportunity to make more money there then I am here. Which could give my kids a better life. And as I said, my support system is there so I would have help with the kids so I would not have to pay somebody to look after them
The reverse logic…he has a support system in place in another Province and the opportunity to make 6 figure income which would allow a better life for your children. Based on your logic he should be allowed to move away with HIS children also? Something I would also suggest he should not be allowed to do!
I moved from one school district to another. Something that should open the door to losing custody if the other parent was not in agreement with the change of primary housing. Now with her having reached the age of 14….had it gone to court…her choice of preference would have been probably given allot of weight….and my daughter was also very interested in moving.
But in moving I also agreed in picking her up at the end of her access weekends if she went. I created the distance so it was only right I compensated by doing 50% of the extra driving that caused….As opposed to your suggestion of ???? making effort that he gets to see the kids as often as possible....LOL...every other month for a day>>>a few weeks in the summer….wow…seeing the kids….got to love the concession….he gets to see HIS kids occasionally!! That is generous!!!
I suggest your motivation is going home and you really do not care about the best interest of the children which is to keeping contact with both parents. LOL…I really do not care very much for my ex…but I would never have suggested removing my children from the same Province as their mother….that is just lacking in any respect…respect and consideration to my children probably more than anything.