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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sex      Home login  
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 cooltrainer33
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 1
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?Page 1 of 1    
Im interested in knowing some of you guys opinions or experiences dating women that where victims of sexual abuse. The last three women I have dated have all been victims of this. I of course didn't know that when we first met. All were really attractive and the latest was very successful career wise. Yet it seems they can't connect even in a relationship when they say they love you. All of these relationships have failed. I didn't really do anything wrong. They all have crazy trust issues just because Im outgoing. I told them never once have you gotten a call from a lady, had one pop up at my house or seen any inappropiate messages in my text. One went as far as making a fake profile to get on my facebook. After I had already previously gave her the password to my facebook since she made such a big deal about it and was constantly starting fights. You have to many friends you dont need 4oo friends. I thought given her the password would clear her mind that Im not cheating. She proceeded to go back year and have problems with me saying a few girls were pretty. Way before her. After that drama a change the password. All of them has told me they wanted and never had a man treat them right. I treated them right and the act like its not good enough. They dont know what they want anymore. If I hear Im sorry I thought I wanted this and that, but I dont think I can be with anyone. I heard that the last 3 times. I never want to hear it again. Is it wrong to think If a woman tells me that, I am instantly not dating her anymore no matter how good its going. I think that they are permantley damaged. I hate to say that but it has proven true in all the ones Ive dated. I look forward to any insight guys and girls couls give me. Should I steer clear of a woman who has been thru this?
 VienneSeule
Joined: 5/10/2012
Msg: 2
Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 9:04:13 PM
This has happened to you 3 times with 3 different girls, have you ever considered that maybe your own behaviour could be contributing to these 3 women's behaviour. You cannot label all women who have been abused as a child crazy because you dated 3 women who acted out in different ways.

Women who have been abused as a child may have issues when it comes to sex and sexuality because theyve been exposed to it at such a young age, but the good thing about this is a woman who has been abused as a child will be able to spot an abuser easier than a person who has never been abused and she will protect her children with her life from being abused. She will be able to see things that a regular woman wouldnt notice because she has been through it herself.

The down side to dating a woman who has been abused as a child is that if she hasnt gotten counselling, a lot of sexual issues can trigger her back to experiences as a child. Since women who have been abused have been taken advantage of sexually, if they havent built up enough trust and respect for a man they are intimate with, any situation can trigger feelings from the past. Feelings of disgust, anger, being used, being robbed, abandonment, neglect, self loathing, self hatred, unloved, uncared for, left behind, unhuman, invisible, small, unwatched over, etc. There is not enough words to describe the disgusting low feelings. This usually continues onto a lifelong circle of triggering events that they have never came to terms with and only created more bad experiences and bad triggers.

Women who have been abused have been used sexually. If they do not get counselling to deal with it they will feel they are being used sexually again and again especially if they havent built up trust love and respect with a person. They do this unconsciously of course so its best if youre dating a woman who has been sexually abused as a child that you remind her constantly of your feelings for her and that youre not trying to hurt her, if not you can easily trigger events from the past.
 cooltrainer33
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 3
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 9:24:50 PM
Thanks for your reply. I feel I have been very outright in the way I feel. especially with this last one. I bent over backwards to prove myself. Deleted some people of my facebook page. Took something out my bathroom that she thought symbolize Im a player. I mean really she just would find something else to try to change or controll. It even went to she didnt want to have a kid, one of the reason was because I would love the kid more than her. I thought that was really nuts!!!! Im not labeling all women at all. That would be unfair and thats why I wanted to know what other men experiences were. Im focusing on my experiences in feeling like these women might not be capable of establishing real emotional attachments. I just think I decided I don't want to risk becoming emotionally involved with someone with that issue again, because I seem to be the one that gets screwed in the end.
 VienneSeule
Joined: 5/10/2012
Msg: 4
Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 9:55:21 PM
Well, I kind of understand where shes coming from. Why would you want to have a child with her without marrying he first? Isnt that putting the cart before the horse? You wouldnt make her a wife but you wouldnt hesitate to make her a babies mother? That says a lot about you too, weather you realize it or not.
 cooltrainer33
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 5
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 10:15:49 PM
Actually you jump the gun on that comment. We where talking about the future. In that I want kid(s) Im sure when you where in a serious relationship. You discuss kids with your spouse? I also discuss marriage aswell and would have been happy to have both with her if she had the mental aspect toghether. Im 33 yrs old. If I was the BABY MOMMA type of guy. I would have had them buy know and I don't have any children. So I hope that clears up anything you may have thought about me! Family is important to me and I take marriage and children seriously.
 VienneSeule
Joined: 5/10/2012
Msg: 6
Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 10:20:16 PM
Alright, well you may be right but that was just 1 conversation where she made a figurative comment about the future. Whether this comment was true or not is kind of irrelevant. Actions speak louder than words, so far, you havent said anything that she or they have done that was so bad.
"Our grand business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance but to do what lies clearly at hand" -Carlyle

Theres 2 sides to every story and I doubt one is any crazier than the other or you would not have been with her if she was so crazy, you must have done SOMETHING to make them feel this way. You never really explained WHY they felt you treated them so bad and your explanations dont really make any sense. They cant all be just crazy.

but anyways, I will leave this alone. It seems youve already made up your mind that these women are crazy, these types of women are crazy, and youre not at fault. Ive tried my best.
Best of luck.

P.S. my ex also thought he was one of those"victim" types and he thought he was the best boyfriend in the world because he didnt "cheat" or "beat" me but he did so many other things that were disrespectful to purposely make me jealous and had no regard for how I felt. Just called me crazy and unreasonable for having my own feelings. It seems that you might be somewhat like him. Just a thought.
 cooltrainer33
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 7
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/23/2012 11:05:44 PM
Once again thanks for your reply. None of them ever said I treated them bad. I just felt like nothing seemed to make them happy. There is two sides to every story and I will analyze what I did and try to learn from it. Im not trying to act like a victim. Im sure I could have handled a few things differently. I did try my best and put my best foot forward in investing in especially two of those relationships. Once again thanks for your insight :)
 cooltrainer33
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 8
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/24/2012 7:35:33 AM
Thanks a lot that was really some excellent info that made me seriously think. Especially the communicating feelings part. I think certain things I dis unknowingly may cause her to react or over react with mistrust. Should I call and apologize even though we broke up. I wish the communication could have been better. It's hard to handle some of the serious emotional issues
 ivanoso
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 9
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/26/2012 1:56:28 AM
All people have some issues that being said if someone can't trust you it won't work out
 mysterioustallmn
Joined: 2/17/2010
Msg: 10
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 5/28/2012 1:09:02 AM
The sad fact is, most women in this country and probably around the world have been abused at some point in their lives, many as children. As far as having a successful relationship with women abused as children, define successful. If you mean did the relationship result in marriage, measured as time together, result in a joining of two people forever that did not result in marriage. Many ways to define success in a relationship. Probably the most entirely horribly abused as a child woman I have ever known, was also the smartest, best woman I'll ever know.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 11
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Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 6/8/2012 8:47:05 AM
well its really up to you
but yes of course a man can have a perfect relationship with a woman who has been abused
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 12
Can you have a successful relationship with a woman that has been sexually abused as a child?
Posted: 6/8/2012 10:47:18 AM
I believe you can't throw women into one basket. Too many variables. First let me say sexual abuse is terrible and happens too often and to those to young. Time to get tough on this.

That said, women get to self diagnose sexual abuse. As such, what one considers sexual abuse may not be by another. I was on a forum once where a female claimed a male poster "raped" her via his flaming posts - and yes she was serious. Or take the young boy who plays the old "Do you want to play dress up?", then lifts up her dress and runs. Sexual abuse? Sometimes we never know the deal.

OP - How can you associate, jealousy, Facebook stalking, etc to a history of abuse? I believe non-abused people do some of these too.

Can you have a successful relationship? Yes.

That said, again in my experience, if a woman makes a big deal that every male is out to attack her, her children, or brings up her sexual abuse history for no reason - I take it as a small red flag.
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