| | Always dumped, is it me?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | From LTR to ONS, they are always the ones to break it off. Maybe because I'm too optomistic that things will work out, maybe its because I hate confrontation, maybe I'm just oblivious.
Any advice on how to toughen up and not get my feelings hurt when someone says they don't like me anymore? | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 5/31/2012 9:00:22 AM | It most certainly is.
You're a white-box quoter's dream, and so I'll simply avail myself of the facile self-insight of
Maybe because I'm too optomistic that things will work out, maybe its because I hate confrontation, maybe I'm just oblivious.
You're weak, you're needy, and you'll never be remotely able to fully comprehend why your relationships fail
until you emotionally mature.
But you knew that. On some level.
Kind regards,
Joshua | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 5/31/2012 9:31:54 AM | | Take your time when meeting someone, don't rush anything. While it's okay to think positive about a relationship it's not okay to push things. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 5/31/2012 12:21:06 PM | To answer both of your questions:
1. It is not always you, because it can be a variety of factors. With that said, to reduce the chance that you are the problem you need to communicate early, effectively what your goals are for any type of relationship you engage in. Let me point out that a ONS is simply that, so you may need to embrace it for what it is. In other words, don't engage in ONS activity if you are hoping it can turn into a long lasting relationship.
2. To toughen up requires courage, and it is hard to do, but this is something you must find from within. You will always be hurt when someone tells you they are not interested in you anymore. You can reduce that pain by focusing on moving forward and continue being you. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 5/31/2012 4:22:29 PM |
Any advice on how to toughen up and not get my feelings hurt when someone says they don't like me anymore?
{/quote]
stop assuming anything..
learn to ask better questions and stop putting out too earoy in the relationship.
Don't overshare your thughts or feelings... let things devlop slowly or end.
main thing is to not assume anything, things can change quickly in new relationships.
| |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:43:21 PM | | HKO has it spot on. J. Josh is over simplifying, I hope you took his comment with a grain of salt. On some level (if we care about the other person), whatever reason that's given to us does hurt a little in some way. My advice, just learn from your past mistakes and do your best not to repeat it. Learn how to cope with your feelings for when it might happen again. And don't go into the next date expecting it to end horribly, you dont need that hanging over the experience. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/2/2012 9:07:57 PM | OK, I'll play along. Yes, bsunrise28, it is you. You're too optomistic, hate confrontation and just oblivious.
But, here's the thing... All relationships end. Whether one person wants out, both want out, or it's death that parts them. Even if you're the one to walk away, it still hurts. Always give yourself time to mourn. Being so tough that you don't feel hurt will change you into someone you don't want to be.
Oh, ya, the other important thing: Because you are too optomistic, hate confrontation and just oblivious, there are guys out there who are going to find you (and your qualities) so freakin adorable that they will stick around so long that you'll either "break it off" with them or you'll choose one to grow old with. | |
|
| |
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/2/2012 10:47:39 PM | Dating isn't easy. As unconventional as this may sound, maybe you should consider learning from a dating techniques book. What could it hurt? Science has proved that there is an art to approach dating.
Personally I believe that you have admirable qualities- you seem sweet and buoyant. Of course with that type of character comes the unfortunate downside being that you're more prone to being taken advantage of. Contrary to many other opinions on this forum, I believe that you shouldn't have to completely change who you are because it won't scare off the right person. Those men that hurt your feelings just weren't right for you. Perhaps a self-help dating book could help you to better organize and tailor your approach! Good luck! | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/3/2012 6:46:54 PM |
Dating isn't easy. As unconventional as this may sound, maybe you should consider learning from a dating techniques book. What could it hurt?
All I have ever read in those types of books is how to make someone love you by shyting on them and manipulating them. Go ahead and try it and you will find out that you won't want them because you were able to manipulate them. No one wants someone without a mind of their own. Those books are self defeating unless you are the author or book publisher raking in the dough.
Toughen up a bit but be yourself and when the right guy comes along it will all work out. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/4/2012 3:51:23 PM | You know how you're optimistic and non-confrontational? Those are really great qualities, and if you keep getting stomped on, they'll be buried behind walls a mile thick, which isn't fair to you or to the guy you're meant to be with.
So what do you do? You don't want to be manipulative, or play dishonest games. That's not right. But what if you looked at each new potential relationship as a learning experience from the get-go? We do have to kiss a whole lotta frogs to find that prince, but the frogs can be a lot of fun if you don't try to make them into something they're not.
I'm not advocating bitterness or pessimism. I've made some pretty good friends with guys I met on here. We didn't want to date, but we liked each other well enough to not see a bad fit as a rejection.
Don't close down, just guard your heart a little:-) | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/4/2012 4:53:34 PM | How does one "break off" a one night stand?
Maybe you should consider not dating others for a while and start learning more about yourself.
Go to the self-help section of the bookstore and discover why you feel the need to date. Sometimes, we date for the wrong reasons and make bad choices as a result - that may be the case for you. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/4/2012 5:22:45 PM | There are two ways to ace this.
The first, is to develop something you can do/be
that makes you smile just doing it.
Whether it is helping orphans in Africa
or being able to shoot free throws one handed.
If we become the cool people we can be,
we are not concerned about the opinions of others.
We are great and happy in the world
no matter what.
The other method....is the guy method.
and that is to become totally delusional
that we are all that.
despite any and all evidence to the contrary.
And if others can't share that neurosis with us,
well...can't help em.
They just be missing out.
:-P | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/5/2012 6:27:52 AM | I read your profile and one thing you say that I think ( in my humble opinion) you might want to delete is that you are "addicted to love." To me that is like saying...HEY I'M an EASY person to hurt because once I fall for you...that's it! "Pay attention to me for 48 hours and you'll have me at hello"....believe me predators will find you. And you'll keep getting hurt over and over.
I have learned at my ripe old age...that you need to spend time with someone...get to know them and LISTEN. Really LISTEN...and don't ignore the flags. You cannot change someone into what YOU want them to be.
** You might want to read the book - "Attached" by Amir Levine and R. Heller. It really helped me to learn WHY I made the mistakes that I did in dating guys, MORE so than the "He's just not that into you" and all of the other "dating" books I read...how to act, what to do, what NOT to do, The RULES,,,blah, blah, blah. I have a whole LIBRARY.
Be true to who you are, what you want, and what YOU don't want...and don't let anyone run your show. If you agree from the get go in what you both are looking for, you have chemistry, you genuinely like each other...then chances are you won't get hurt. But take your time...there's no rush. Pay attention to what guys DO...and not what they SAY. They have to earn your trust. I learned the hard way in that I gave my trust too easily. When on a date, have no expectations...just enjoy it. If he's truly interested, he'll work for you...not you for him. Not that you shouldn't let him know that you like him or anything...just let nature take its course. Hope I helped you!! | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/5/2012 6:51:53 AM | OP, from my POV, once you realize that there can be many people you enjoy spending time with, and even if you are looking for a soulmate there are way more than 1 in a world of billions of people, you won't be so depressed when your current relationship turns out to be disappointing.
There is another newer relationship waiting around the next corner. Try and have fun in the moment with each new relationship, and realize that the end is just the beginning of something new. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/6/2012 7:09:36 PM | It is so hard to feel rejected. Rest assured it is not just you. It takes two.
There are lots of opportunities. I think you should focus on learning to set boundaries. For yourself, and also because men are more attracted to women who can be confident in themselves (not snotty or too independent).
Addicted to love? Is this just your insecurity talking? It is sure to attract the wrong type of men. | |
|
DJR999
| | Joined: 8/24/2010
Msg: 17 | |
| |
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/14/2012 11:03:41 AM | bsunrise28,
First thank you for putting yourself out there and posting this question. I SO needed to read this....I feel all the same things you do. I feel like both of us got some good advice here :)
Dating SUCKS! I read the books (dating advice) and it seems to promote so much manipulation. I just hate being played...why would I somehow feel better about the entire thing because I AM the player. huh???
I think there are those of us out there who are just sensitive souls. It doesn't mean we are desperate...it just means we feel things a bit deeper then other people.
Just keep your chin up and try to fill your life with lots of people and activities. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/14/2012 8:21:49 PM | | What do you mean toughen up? Get some confidence in yourself. Who cares if they don't like you any more??? Stop "putting out" so soon with your one night stands!!! Maybe they would stick around if you had more self-respect. I know this is harsh, but you need to hear it. You sound weak, and believe me, men can sense it. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/15/2012 12:24:47 AM | | let them go, there is more fish in the sea , stay optimistic dont change who you are with an open mind keep moving, your filters will upgrade by itself | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:01:51 PM | Raise your sights and the results will follow.
Life in general and relationships in particular have taught me this.
Focus on doing the things that you enjoy, and exploring and cultivating the best things about yourself without looking for another to bring happiness.
Work to develop a clear sense of what you want and need in and from a connection with someone.
Most of us start with an assumption that others want and need the same things that we do, and that others can also offer to us what we hope to offer to them. Unfortunately, it is far from that simple. There's millions of different flavors of crazy, and no such thing as "normal," so none of this is a matter of better or worse, or more or less morally worthy (about you or about anyone else).
You just want to seek and find another flavor of crazy that harmonizes with your own (and truly I am not suggesting you are crazy), rather than clashing with your flavor.
It's about getting a clear sense of what you have to offer, and what you need in return, making sure that you are not squandering your pearls before someone who can't appreciate them, and making sure the person you begin to invest time and emotion with is capable of and competent at offering what you need. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/17/2012 1:10:00 PM | | If you are always dumped that it is definitely you. Change yourself and maybe one day you dump somebody | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/17/2012 4:31:11 PM | Listen darling log term relationships have to develop. Start by respecting yourself enough so that you're not settling. Work on your self esteem. You are a hottie. Change your hair style, go to the gym and work out to those songs you love but can't remember the artists. Don't do this because you are um attractive. Do it because you need to get intouch with yourself. Explore who you are. Take inventory of all your surroundings. Where you live, how you live, how you dresss, the friends you keep and how people percieve you.
I know you understand my answer to your question is you are working against yourself. You seem like a nice person. I hope what I wrote helped. Good luck to you darling.
Izzy. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:34:49 PM |
You know how you're optimistic and non-confrontational? Those are really great qualities, and if you keep getting stomped on, they'll be buried behind walls a mile thick, which isn't fair to you or to the guy you're meant to be with.
Sorry, but non-confrontational isn't exactly a great quality, especially when combined with optimism. It basically means you assume every person you meet in ANY context is good, special and unselfish, and this is far from the truth. It's the very definition of a pushover. | |
|
| Always dumped, is it me?
Posted: 6/18/2012 8:07:23 PM | People who are nonconfrontational not infrequently have some form of anger issues, in ways that they may not understand or recognize, and that can inflict some pretty unexpected and unwelcome stuff both on/ within the person carrying the anger and others that they interact with.
Rent and watch the movie "Anger Management." A lot of the specifics of the plot are immature humor and implausible in the extreme. But there are elements of truth in it that are worth checking out and reflecting upon if you're a "nice guy" or "nice girl" | |
|
Home
login 
