| | What can I do to let him see that I do too much?Page 1 of 1 | Hello All,
I am a kind of single parent, I live separated from my boyfriend because he moved out. So we have two separated places, but we still see each other and do things together. Just like a couple who does not live together. We have a daughter. She is v happy girl. We try to show her that we get on well.
The problem is that he is a v perfectionist person. He spend long hours doing whatever he has to do. So In a normal day I have to get up and to prepare things for Johanna. He brings her to kindergarden, I go to work 100 % and I collect my daughter. He spends some time alone doing his things. And then he comes home or I go to his place, but I have to do everything in company of my daughter of 14 months of age. So I do everything fast and I can make mistakes sometimes.
He does not see that. What do to for him to see that, today I got angry with him cos he critise the status of my kitchen and I send him to his place with my daugther and I will clean my place properly, but I find such a frustrating thing this situation.
Sorry for my English I am Spanish and I normally speak German. I know you will complain about my grammar, but sorry again. | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 3:25:54 AM | If he criticizes the status of your kitchen, he wins.
If you get upset about that, or do even more to please him, you lose.
He does not see that.
He is either unthinking or lazy and I suspect both. Next time he criticizes the status of your kitchen, tell him to get off his selfish ass and clean it. Make sure he doesn't miss a spot.
If you are already doing too much, you might as bloody well take charge.
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:27:53 AM | I would ask him to meet me in a cafe (a neutral place) to have a talk. Please make sure your daughter is not there, although she is very young, children can pick up this type of tension and it's not good for them.
Meet with him and tell him that you need to discuss the changes in the boundaries of your relationship given that you are separated. The most important thing is that you want your daughter to grow up happy, secure and balanced in her life. You are sure he feels the same way. Arguing in front of her is not good for her. It has to stop. Now that you are separated, when he comes to your home he is a GUEST, and should act accordingly. This is your home and you will keep it the way you like, you're 39 years old you have that right. You, in turn will not be critical of his home.
If he can not do this, then like many other parents, he can come to pick your daughter up at the door and he can leave her at the door but he will not be welcomed in your home.
It's a very tough situation OP. Have the strength to sort this out now, otherwise the control he tried to have over you while you were living together will continue...even though you live apart. | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:46:06 AM | I would go with some combination of the above two suggestions.
I have had to deal with the exact sort of thing myself, at two stages of my life. First, when my parents came to visit me in my own house, and had to be told that they were no longer in the position of instructing me how to run my life, and again after I split from my wife, and I had to make it clear to her that the moment she decided to exclude me from her life, was the moment she lost all right to talk about how I live mine.
After those formal declarations, each person required a few reminders on the spot, such as telling them to go ahead and clean my kitchen if they cared too, before each finally got the lesson learned.
In fairness, I think one should realize that adjusting to being separate people, especially with a child involved, takes lots of work, and will include lots of mistakes. So establish where your lines of who is in charge are, first with yourself, then with him... and then follow that up by enforcing those lines.
Don't clean your kitchen because he says to, do it because you think it needs doing, when you think it needs doing. Recognize that most of his criticisms like that, are the result of his struggling to assert his sense of control over his daughter's life, which he gave away by leaving her. It's his responsibility to figure that out, and yours to stand your own ground while he does. | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 7:21:02 AM | he is a prefectionist, he critise your kitchen....hmmmm pretty simple..
THOSE are HIS ISSUES not yours...tell him this and get over it...dont allow to be pushed around...if you allow this you lose who you are
you do your thing and do the best you can... | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 7:35:25 AM | Sounds to me like since you already have seperate places, your half way there...
nothing will make someone appriciate you when that person does not appriciate you.
File for whatever to make sure he pays child support... get all the visitation for the child and holiday schedule
in writing and get away from him.
Do not let him in your place again and let him find someone else to be critial of..........
who is he to complain YOUR kitchen is a mess?
Let him worry about his own kitchen... you need to quit trying to please him... it will not bring him back or make him love you/ respect you. | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 8:36:59 AM | | unless your home is unhealthy for your kid.... he had no business telling you what to do.... with that said... you are a mother.... it is your responsibility to care for your child... it would be lovely if he wanted to help and do things... but likely he doesn't based on what you say.... just be the best mother you can... and not worry about what he is doing... just do your job.... with or with out his help..... | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 6/3/2012 9:04:19 AM | One of my kids dated spmeone like this..... very critical.
It left her in tears. She tried and tried to please him and he always found
something "wrong" with her or her choices.
There are sme people who just cannot be pleased and LIVE TO BE CRITICAL of others.
Putting others down and finding fault makes them feel superior. OP, sounds like you have one of those
and should really re-think your ideas of trying harder so he see what you do.
Instead find someone who appriciates what you do and are... someone who does not demand perfection.
It sounds like you have a total control freak on your hands and perfectionsist.
Stop trying to "win" or "please" them, as they will always find fault, no matter what | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:26:55 PM | He can either help you clean it or leave. If he isn't helping to fix the problem then he's making it worse.
As for your kiddo I suggest you work out a visit schedule so you get alone time and might have more time for cleaning or whatever else you'd like to do. I really suggest the schedule. This will show you how much he wants to be a part of the child's life. This could help you decide if he's worth staying in a relationship with. Sounds like you are not sure about that. | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:44:36 PM | OP I understand you want to be civil for your daughter sake but you're not together why does he come over to your house or you go to his every evening?
You need to make a clean break from him. Sort out how to co parent without doing everything like you are still together. This will confuse your daughter.
Smexi | |
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| What can I do to let him see that I do too much?
Posted: 7/27/2012 12:57:44 PM | I agree that he sounds like a perfectionist, but you sound like you may be overly sensitive...
If someone came to my home and criticized my kitchen I'd just laugh and say "yeah, it's a mess, huh", not take it personally. | |
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